Bev53

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Hello Nick and welcome to the forum. I think what you are describing is what some people term 'false memory OCD'? I can't relate to your specific issue but I have had memories from my past crop up out of the woodwork and cause me a great deal of anxiety. With me, it's usually been about something that actually happened but my OCD latches on to whether I've remembered it correctly and likes to 'add' things in. As time passes memories get distorted and our recollection can't be relied upon. OCD tries to convince us we've done something terrible and our memories won't give us 100% certainty that we haven't. I'm sure your parents tried to reassure you, telling you that if you'd done something terrible there would be evidence, and it would have come to light by now. That won't satisfy OCD. No matter how many times you hear it, you want concrete proof. The key is kearnibg to accept the uncertainty. Maybe something happened, maybe it didn't, but get on with life anyway. When I was first told this, my initial reaction was absolute horror. I couldn't possible accept even the slightest possibility that I had caused harm. It's not an easy thing to do, but I have since learned that by accepting the possibility, the thoughts lose their power, and you realise that it's all nonsense. I hope that makes sense. Hopefully someone else will respond who can explain better than I can.

Yes, it's the compulsions that keep the thought at the forefront of our minds. If we could reduce and ultimately stop the compulsions, the thought, and our anxiety over it, would eventually fade away. I am familiar with the theory, but still find it tough to put into practice at times.

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@Symps07 Most people get intrusive thoughts. Those without OCD are able to shrug them off more easily, maybe think 'weird thought, where did that come from?' but then pay it no more attention and get on with their day. Those of us with OCD react differently. We don't shrug them iff. We engage with the thought, wonder why we had it, what it means about our character etc, ruminate and analyse it, perform compulsions to try and disprove or cancel the thought out. That's my understanding, but maybe someone can explain it better than I can.

Some positive news, thank you for sharing. I too am trying to focus on these areas. At one point I only used to really try mindfulness to get me out of the 'rabbit hole'. Sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. I'm now beginning to realise that building mindfulness and gratitude into my daily routine regardless of how I'm feeling, is key. If I can exercise these 'muscles' when I'm in a good place, they are much stronger when I need to call on them when my GAD/OCD is rearing it's ugly head.

OK, let's say you did, I don't think you did, but you are convinced you did. but you feel you put your child at risk. We all make mistakes. I've made loads, we can choose to dwell on them and torture ourselves for ever and a day, or we learn from them and resolve to do our best not to let the same thing happen again. You are being hard on yourself. You are obviuosly a responsible and caring parent. You made one mistake (in your opinion) find me a parent who hasn't made mistakes.

I think many would, but most parents would be watching them, as you obviuosly were. Then if the child looked as though they were going to go through the open doorway.. ..they would behave exactly like you did. Try and draw a line under this. I know it's hard, I was a very risk averse parent, and saw danger everywhere, tortured myself with guilt for years over perceived mistakes/wrongdoings. Your child won't remember the incident, and has come to no harm. However, and I don't mean this unkindly because I do know how difficult this is, your child will notice and be impacted by you taking to your bed for 2 weeks and he/she being cared for by others. I have the benefit of hindsight my 'children' are now 28 and 26, and my biggest regret is letting my fears/worries impact on their lives.

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Yes. Although I'm not sure this will bring the certainty you crave. I really don't mean this to be unkind but you are, this post is all rumination and search for reassurance. Unfortunately so are so caught up in this you just can't see it. Did you see my reply to your other thread? Is there anything you can do to get busy and take a break from this even if just for a short while.

As a start can you maybe make a plan for your day, despite the way you are feeling, or at the very least for a couple of hours? Maybe a walk, meet up with a friend, or anything that you would usually enjoy. Resolve (do your best) to give it 100% of your attention. Take a break from the reassurance seeking and searching for answers. The forum can not give you the answers (certainty) you seek, and this compulsion is only keeping the obsession going. Unfortunately as @Garfieldsays we can't do it for you. At some point you have to take that leap of faith and resolve to let this go. Even if you only manage to do it for short periods of time...that at least gives you something to build on.

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I am so sorry you are still stuck! You've been given lots of excellent advice on here on how to let this go. It isn't easy I know, but just keep trying, and honestly it does get easier in time. What have you got to lose? The constant ruminating is what is keeping you stuck. Get busy with other things.

Snapping in frustration is part of being human. The overthinking on it is OCD.

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