discuccsant

I really don't understand the underlying issue here at all. Why would anyone make such a big deal out of stuff like that, that was TEN YEARS ago, before you even knew the person? Didn't anyone at least once cheat somehow in school, to get better grades? Well, I did. 10/10, would do again. Our whole educational system is flawed as hell. Why would someone who wants to be a lawyer need to know about integral calculations? There is no good reason, one should assume that our educational system is fair. Hell, it's a given issue, that rich people have more chances than poor people in school. You also claim that this is “normal behavior” in your country. This seems, to me, as if your countries educational system is also unfair or corrupt. What do you expect of your countrymen? That they should live in poverty, as long as the state say it's legal? Who even gives the state the justification for being morally right, just because they declared something as legal? Hey, if someone punches another man, because he spit at my wife, this may be illegal, it's still — at least in my opinion — the right thing to do. And I couldn't care less about our state, given that our state is something man made and full of faulty people. But that's another topic. And especially given that most state systems are overly unfair for poor people. I really find it interesting. Never seen someone being “lawful good”, as in DnD role play games, in real life haha. I could understand people being like that in a theocratic state, given that the laws are “godly”, but in other states? Nah. As long as nobody was harmed by what you did and as long as the system itself forces one to takes such measures like bribing state officials. Well. I simply can't see the issue here. Do you have OCD? Yes. 1) Obsession: My husband did something illegal. I think this is morally wrong, because it is illegal, but is it really the case? 2) Compulsion: Checking for instances where illegal stuff as defined by the state is not inherently wrong morally speaking. 3) Doubt: Unsure if everything being illegal is at the same time morally wrong. Doubt being not so, because this would contradict with your world view, that everything illegal is also morally wrong. Normally you would be judgmental. But in this case, your husband is the one you would have to judge. You obviously don't want to -> Dilemma.

Re-thinking this, I would really like to know if someone thinks he is homosexual, because he once touched his very own private areas. Seriously, this wouldn't even surprise me anymore. But your “issue” is among the top of silly OCD cases. And you NEED TO UNDERSTAND IT, as well! Seriously. Go to therapy. I'm not joking here. Your OCD latched onto stuff, that should never be possible! And trust me, one day you'll look back at this and feel cringy, because of like “What was I thinking?” and then laugh about it. Because it's just like that. Please, go to therapy. You have to.

So you hit on someone? Like. Okay? And also for the first time? You wanted to test your luck? And honestly, who the hell cares if she explicitly told you are allowed to message her? What? It's not like the woman I flirted with had a sign attached to them, “Open for flirts”. Haha, just imagining makes me laugh. I don't want to sound rude, but this is one of the silliest episodes of OCD I've seen so far. Who would want to die because he tried to land on a girl, he liked? Haha, no way. I'm sorry, but simply no. OCD, stop! My wife hit on me via messenger and that's why we are married today. So. Is my wife a sexist? Did my wife sexually harass me? I guess you never stop to learn, haha. Seriously, sometimes the level of OCD here is just beyond measures haha. Like what? How do you think most people got together before Tinder? Hell, before the internet in the 90s? I just want an explanation from you here. What steps does your OCD think is okay to get in to a relationship? I'm right now here, laughing to the screen, that someone got suicidal because of a simple flirt. Seriously? Stop worrying. Please. Why would you worry about something like that? That doesn't make any sense. Sometimes you need to laugh about OCD, because OCD can convince people of the most normal thing to be something bad. And in your case, dude. You never harassed anyone, nor are you a predator because of that. You were simply flirting. Oh my god, I guess I'm a serial predator then. The amount of girls I flirted with is much higher than your amount. And this goes also for the other way around: the amount of time I got hit on, makes me a serial victim of sexual harassment, I guess. What a bunch of nonsense. Your OCD really is strong here. Please, go as fast as you can to a therapy. That doesn't sound healthy at all. You're on a very thin line. You basically will never get a girl, if you think that this isn't okay. It's totally okay. Flirting is one of the most funny things in life. I love flirting. Everybody does. Hell, tons of people in relationship miss flirting with strangers. And that's totally normal. And you're normal. Stop worrying. Please. Please. Please. Get back to your senses and, PLEASE, fix yourself by going into therapy. I couldn't image feeling guilty for flirting at all. Just wow.

I may add the following: I asked several people about that. A lot of people said: Oh yeah, we also got moments like that. But we don't think about it any further, the moment after it happened. We just find it weird, but don't question ourselves and move on. Forgetting it instantaneous. And I on the other hand can't do that, in fact I analyzed why I would get such an urge. What exactly my intention were, when I took the money and knew I'm going to touch this random guy's hand. What exactly the feelings were and what they say about me. Was it just some kind of reactance (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactance_(psychology)), a “Call Of The Void” moment, because I forbid myself touching his hand and therefore felt this weird urge and the thrill? Or did I really felt some kind of gratification in doing so? Why would I get such a spontaneous, impulsive out of hell urge at all? Does this happen to others as well? Do they know what I really meant when they said, “Yeah, we also have moments like that”? Or do they refer to a different situation? Are there things, from the past, that indicate that I in fact am a deviant and I just allowed my “true self” to be present in this very moment? And the list goes on and on. Maybe this was my problem at all? Analyzing it, instead of just trying to forget about it and not giving any significant meaning to it? So the reaction to the moment itself is 100% OCD related. The anxiety and my reaction to the intrusive thoughts the second before as well. But the very situation itself, it felt completely different. I never had something like that before or after that. And even though there are some people, that had very similar moments, that seem to differ from classical intrusive thoughts, I'm not sure the moment itself is part of the OCD cycle: It was neither a classical intrusive thought, nor was it a compulsion to check or anything like that. No. In this very particular moment, OCD wasn't relevant. It was present the seconds before, yes. It was present the second after it happened, also true. But in this very particular moment, there was just this simple urge to touch this guy's hand. Just a hyper awareness with the urge and the knowledge of what will happen: “Yes, I'm going to take the money, and while I do so, I'm going to touch this guy's hand. And I want to do so”. And in this very moment it felt thrilling and satisfying. Obviously, I tried to recreate the situation in my mind. Following that, my avoidance got stronger, so I tried to avoid it for following customers after that incident. Was horrible, obviously. I got over it at some point. Through therapy, I took the money in very similar moments as part of my ERP, ignoring my anxiety and do it without giving in to any compulsions like the usual avoidance pattern. And yeah, nothing like that ever happened afterwards. It was a “one-timer”. That's why I also suspect my anxiety was the driver of the urge, the classical “pink elephant” example. But I'm unsure, and that's why I'm just so confused by it. I don't even understand how this happened at all, from my today's perspective. And that's why I'm not gay, Andy, haha. I don't fear being gay, actually. Back then, yeah. But not even that, I just feared always touching people inappropriately with the wrong intentions. Couldn't care less about being gay or whatever. I just fear this particular situation and the inclinations that comes from it. Did I inappropriately touch this guy, due to the difference in intention? Did I out of the urge touch him differently, when taking the money? I don't violate others. That's my basic fear.

So as far I see it, you say you can't have moments like that, and otherwise you are gay? I don't expect any meaningful or deep. But just if intrusive thoughts can feel like that and if moments like that happen to other as well. And yeah, I'm already in therapy. Got much better. Still, the situation bothers me. And also is something new to me. I know about thought-action-fusion and magical thinking. But in this situation, I was actually very close to “fulfill” the intrusive thought or urge. And it felt thus thrilling to “giving in”. Just very weird. Therefore, I also can understand Andy333's conclusion. Now what exactly is the problem? Before that incident, the intrusive thoughts just caused distress, without any emotions other than anxiety attached to it. But in this case, in the very brief moment it happened, it felt “satisfying” and “thrilling”. The usual distress happened after the situation happened. Obviously it was an urge, one would dismiss, but due to the fact that it came at the moment, it — yeah, felt — as if one was giving into it. Also, because of the sensations I described just before. It also felt as if I was giving in, because I normally would avoid situations like that as hard as possible. But in this very moment I ignored my usual avoidance patterns — mainly because there were no good alternatives at all — and went through. I normally dismiss intrusive thoughts easily. As I said. Therapy helped me with a lot here. But I can't seem to dismiss this incident here: Because in the sudden hyper sensitive awareness of touching this man's hand, while taking the money and then feeling this thrilling feeling, it doesn't fit in the classical OCD anymore somehow. Just weird. I'm pretty sure others would be as well distressed heavily by it.

Hey, my question is basically about having intrusive thoughts / urges, while we do something. Let me further clarify this: Let's say you are a cashier. So also pretend you are a man, and you have OCD regarding being a closeted homosexual. Now comes a man, who wants to buy something. And let's say before that very moment you're anxious, about touching this guy's hand at the upcoming moment he is going to give you the money. And as you're already fearing it, you actually want to avoid touching him in any way. Therefore, you just hope he lays the money on the table. But he doesn't do so and instead handles it to you in such a way, that it is very risky to touch his hand if you take the money from him. But in that very moment, as you reach for the money, you somehow get an intrusive urge, in which you actually want to touch this guy's hand. And you continue to do so, taking the money in such a way, that you're going to touch his hand. And it feels, as if you did it on purpose. Once the situation ends, obviously you, the cashier, freak out, and you feel, as if you had acted on it. So even though you had to do it, it feels, as if you acted on an intrusive thought. My questions regarding this basically are: It's always stated people never act on the intrusive thoughts. Is this not considered as acting on it, even if considering that it happened initially for another purpose? Does this happen frequently? Having intrusive thoughts/urges/feelings/ideas, fueled by your anxiety, while you do something, which alters the situation for you in your perception of the otherwise innocent situation? Are you guys familiar with situations like that? Especially for those that overcame it: How did you do so? Do moments like that also happen to people with no OCD? Before, I felt as if I had several moments, where I did something out of character, just to snap out of it one second later it happened. Is this really OCD related, or is this more like something every human experienced? I know this may feel like I ask for reassurance. And yeah. It may be true. But I just want to understand the psychological phenomena behind it. I had a moment like that, that from the outside looks innocent. While I did something actually good and reasonable, I suddenly had a disgusting, intrusive urge while doing so. And it felt, to me, as if I had acted on it, even though I had to do what I “wanted” to do anyway. It just felt “wrong”, as if the intention wasn't right. It seems, as if I took advantage out of the situation to act on my urge. Very similar to the one moment, I used as an example. So no, not something you wouldn't consider as normal from the outside. Something so innocent and normal, you wouldn't even be assuming something bad out of it from the outside. Yet in my perception, it felt as if I have acted on it. I also know, that I would have never went through with that, if there wasn't the necessity there to do so. It's so weird. I can't cope that well with it. I somehow acted on it, but somehow also not, as I had to do so anyway. This is a real dilemma for me. Do you get what I mean? I hope for some insights. Ideally, from some OCD specialists. Thanks in advance!

Hi Caramoole, yeah, you're totally right. Sorry for hijacking her thread. And thanks for making it, its own topic!

Hey @PolarBear, I read this forum as silent reader for like a year. And I really love your postings as you're always on point. I hope you can help me with my problem: I suffer from a real event, everybody except me seem to see as something silly I shouldn't worry about — even though I can't see it myself, thanks to OCD. And yes, I spare you the details as I don't seek for any kind of reassurance. And the story is actually very boring, haha. People always were like, “What? Relax” after I told them the story. Cringy haha. I seem to have understood it with my logical side as well, that I should move on from this, but my OCD is still super powerful in making me feel horrible about it. Sometimes I can move on for like one week, but then some kind of trigger just restart all the OCD triggered thoughts about it again. Then I'm in a mode where my logical side somehow wins the fight against the OCD, and for a week I'm relatively fine again. But then once again OCD gets back at me, because of another silly trigger. And this happens in a never ending cycle, but I finally want to break through this. I want my life back. Do you think it would be legit to tell myself something like “Everybody says it's okay, and it appears that I'm just exaggerating this event again. OCD, go away and let me have a good time already!”, or should I tell myself something else? I fear, that this might be reassurance seeking, because of the part with “Everybody says it's okay”. And I might fear that this is just another compulsive reassurance trap. Or do you think, that this is a valid way in “fighting” my OCD successfully? I'm really grateful that people like you are on this forum. And thanks for all the efforts you put in for literally years. You're just an amazing human being for doing all those posts, trying to help people. Thank you so much! EDIT: Same goes for you @Caramoole, thank you very much for being so helpful to complete strangers.

I don't necessarily think that this has something to do with your OCD. It's just a problem you have in your relationship. Something pretty normal. If you still want my opinion regarding this: I'm a proponent of forgiving people if they seek for forgiveness, given that it is sincere. If he was sincere in his apology, I don't see any big issues in forgiving him. Everyone does mistakes. And it may seem to me that he has not tried to leave the place because he was bored or something like that, but more because like he couldn't handle the situation. And you seem as if you are shocked by his behavior, and something you never would have expected by him. Did you feel as if he was out of character here? Of course, he still messed up here, but to me, it seems as if he tried to escape the situation. Maybe because of an underlying fear he has? Maybe because he can't handle people coping with grief? And maybe you should give him the chance to explain himself. And even if he was just bored: If you feel that he is sincere in his apology, you should try to forgive him. This isn't something unforgivable, especially if you love your partner. And if he learned that he made a mistake here, he hopefully will do better the next time.

Yeah, I also always had the feeling as if I'm the one in a million case, who happens to have this very disturbing illness. You seem to recognize it as a silly idea with your normal functioning brain. The problem is, that you try to argue with your OCD. Don't. It will always win. OCD is like a person, who is basically an idiot. OCD holds tight to ideas it creates in your mind, even though they can't be supported through any kind of reasonable evidence. Imagine you have to argue with someone, who believes the earth is flat. No matter what you try, the person will still hold on to his beliefs. That's also the case with OCD: It can't let go. And it happens to also affect you. The longer you try to argument with OCD, the more and more impact it will have on yourself. You start to believe it's reasoning. Even though your actual “You” knows that it's not the case, your loud and noisy OCD silences your mindful thoughts. And once in a while it happens to be the only voice in your head. This is when you fall into a rabbit hole, you can't seem to get out of again. Stop arguing with it. No matter how you do it. Whether it's done be seeking for reassurance through Google, whether it's done by going to doctors or simply by having an inner dispute with it. Just don't. Let this idiot talk, you don't need to listen or answer to that. Don't silence your OCD. Just let this fool say his stuff and ignore it. At some point, your OCD loses interest in convincing you otherwise. Often we try to re-evaluate the happenings right then, but this just leads to OCD being revived again. Talking his silly stuff again. You just don't re-evaluate anything. Let it go. Let it go to this point, where you feel cringe thinking back of how much fear you felt over nothing. That's the point you can consider yourself free of OCD — at least regarding this topic.

I'm sorry to be that harsh now, but isn't like everyone a bit like you, and you aren't that special, as you think you are? Most people I know, including myself, are like that. You just described a normal human being. Who isn't lazy about things they don't enjoy? Who isn't too invested in his hobbies? Who isn't vocal at parties, whilst he is having fun and enjoy the time? And what is so wrong with being a vegetarian and taking care of your surroundings? That's concerning, especially the latter part of your post: A lot of people feel the struggle to stop, when others tell them so. Has to do something with our pride. Yeah, and sometimes we cross boundaries, we aren't able to see in this very moment, but afterwards. Just as you told us. As long as we apologize and try to change our behavior, everything is alright. Do you think you need to be some kind of super human, without any kind of weak characteristics? That's insane! I'm sorry, but your OCD completely disaffected you from the reality of things.

Reminds me of when I was in my early teens and my mother went to work. I waited for hours desperately, looking out at the window, hoping she will come home safely. I also remember that when someone was ill and coughed in our house, I wasn't able to sleep as long as the coughing didn't stop — and sometimes when it stopped, I went to their rooms, silently checked they were breathing and okay, before I went to sleep as well. Feel hugged. You're just a concerned mother, who seems to love her kids dearly and by heart. You don't need to feel guilty of that. Not only that, but you're ill. You have OCD. A lot of people would love to have a parent like you are. It's normal to be concerned. But it's not normal to be that much concerned. Glad you identified it by yourself. As hard as it sounds, but you should really just sleep, no matter what your OCD makes you think could happen if you do so. That actually helped me to go through my phase. At several points, I became so tired (not annoyingly, but sleepy) in waiting for the coughing to stop, that I just fell asleep against my will. And the fear of not being able to help them if something was off, slowly faded away once I woke up and everything turned out to be okay in the afterwards, even though I fell asleep. You need to change your behavior. And that means, in this case, doing the exact opposite, than what OCD tells you or want you to do. Stop giving in into this compulsion of staying awake or calling him. Go into your bed, open up some relaxing music and simply try to sleep.

I don't even know why you call it “bullying”? Like what? It doesn't have anything to with bullying, to make fun of your son. I always do that with my daughter and laugh with her afterwards. What's the big deal? Hey, my daughter picks up her water pistol and shoots me with that. It's just fun. Why should I consider that as bullying? It's as if someone throws a stone together with his son and now asks himself if his son is going to be a terrorist because of whatever reason. That's just nonsensical. There isn't any good reason to believe that. It's just so absurd. Think about it yourself. Doesn't it stinks heavily, as if OCD try as hard as it can by picking up something silly as that to create doubt in you?

I just try to understand what happened here: You touched the back of your daughter, while you moved your arm somewhere else, and now you feel horrible, because you had in the very same moment intrusive thoughts? It seems, to me like, as if you're concerned that you had faulty motivations in doing so. Or that you made up in your mind in this very moment, that it isn't okay to touch your daughter on her back, while moving your arm away, and you somehow did it anyway. As if you forbid it for yourself, even though there is no good reason for that at all. Do you know why those thoughts are always coming in this very exact moment? Simply because your anxiety spikes in those moments. Remember the “Call of the void”, I told you about? As long as you fear something, you'll have a hyper-sensitivity regarding this, knowing of all the implications coming from it, if you would go through doing this or that. This is just your fear, manifesting itself in the very exact moment and giving your OCD the chance to show itself as ugly as always in forms of intrusive thoughts. Accept it as part of your OCD. Your OCD basically hatched into your movements nearby your daughter. You need to re-label it as what it is: Simply OCD, forcing your mind to create intrusive thoughts, fed up by your anxiety and to create doubt in you.

Yeah, completely understandable what you go through. I also had this feeling of doubt, like if they did miss something or like that and if they just could give me a diagnosis early enough, I could still be saved. I've also read a lot of stories about people, that were considered to have Hypochondria, but then in the aftermath it turned out they were right all along. Further alienating me from accepting the reality. So your main issue is the doubt here. You basically have doubt in the doctors. But you did everything you could. You went to the doctor, got a non-concerning diagnosis, and you simply need to accept it. And I think what you could do here is trying to realize, that you can't do anything about being actually ill. Sounds harsh, but actually holds truth. A lot of people died of sudden heart attacks. Tons of people had issues concerning their back, just to later get a diagnosis, that they not only have issues with the back itself, but that in the MRI screening it was seen, that they also have a cancerous tumor somewhere, completely unrelated to initial pain itself. You can't do anything about it. Your OCD just gives you the impression as if you could do, but you actually can't. That's the key here. You need to identify your OCD here. You need to understand the irrationality in this, and you need to relabel it as silly stuff, that doesn't need any further evaluation. Went to the doctor? Fine, that's all you could have done. Be happy, the diagnosis you didn't want didn't come. And let OCD dry out in its attempt, to mess with your emotions.

I'm pretty sure it was always in situations you didn't search for, but actually tried to avoid, right? Or where you got this sudden realization and hyper-focus of the situation, isn't it like that? Like you became aware where your hands were, you became aware how this could turn into really something bad, if you just did this. You became aware what the implications of this would be, if you went through, as there is no taking back of such an offending crime. We both think the worst thing ever in life is someone sexually offending against a child, am I not right here? We both also know, that the capabilities of doing something like that, are there for us as well, isn't it like that? We both also are clearly aware of the fact, that it just takes one step to take, which would make the worst we could ever imagine happen, correct? But isn't this that holds truth for everyone? No matter whom it is? No matter about what it is? Everyone could be potentially be doing this or that horrible crime. It just takes small steps to take to make them a reality. There isn't much in taking a knife and stabbing my wife in this very moment. I actually could just go to the kitchen, grab a knife and stab my wife, coming back here and continue writing my post to you — People with OCD in concerns of harming someone may be heavily triggered by this sentence and I'm sorry. It's actually one of the easiest, yet horrendous crimes I could do. Yet both of us don't fear it. The question here is why do we fear our fear? You may think that this has something to do with you being sick in your mind. But no, it's just your worst fear ever. Like it's mine. A lot of people have fears, that instantly manifests once they are in a situation that reminds them of this fear. Arachnophobia for example. No matter how safe they actually are, no matter if it's just a video they see, they'll nevertheless instantaneous feel fear, anxiety and just want to avoid the situation. No matter how irrational the fear at this moment really is, as they just watch a video. There never really is a danger at all. Just because they fear the consequences of it more, it doesn't mean they've a higher risk of actually being bitten by a spider, it just means they're just much more concerned about that, than others are regarding spiders. Just think about it. The reasoning given by our OCD is nonsensical. Doesn't hold any value of truth. I want you to think about that. Don't you believe that you actually have the right values here? That you just fear, that you might go against those values? And that you're just always aware of stuff like this in the very moment, because it's your biggest fear? And that it sometimes comes in a moment, where you're already doing something?

Your theme is very similar to mine. In my current OCD theme, I also constantly fear that I may have done something wrong. May I ask how it got triggered at all? Did you ever hear of the “Call of the Void”? The most classical representation of it is, when you are standing on a cliff, and you somehow have the urge to jump. I have this in relation to my fear that I inappropriately touch someone. Like when I'm aware that I just need to move my hand a little to the left, that I'm going to touch a person's bum or whatever. My current episode was being triggered when I had this in a moment, where I actually had to follow the “Call of the Void”, as I had no alternatives to do what I had to do. I even searched for alternatives the very moment before. And spontaneously I did, what I wanted to avoid and while I did it, I felt some kind of thrill. If people had seen it from the outside, they wouldn't have seen anything weird — maybe the part where I looked for alternatives, haha. But in my mind, I felt this kind of feeling, as if I did something forbidden, and I felt this rush of thrill in me. Afterwards, I was so horrified, I couldn't comprehend what just happened. Yeah. Now I'm stuck in a loop as well. I can't get over it, even though I KNOW that I had no better alternatives and I KNOW I did the right thing. I then began to accept it as that, but then questioned myself: Did I maybe do it more differently than I had to do at all? Did I maybe move my hand slightly different from where I would normally move it, given that it felt like, as if I had an evil intention/urge while I did what I did? I questioned myself if I put my hand two centimeters differently, then I had to do, as it felt like, as if I gave in to the urge. I suffer from this since almost a year. So I can really feel for you.

Isn't this basically Hypochondria? I also had that. I once spit blood out of my throat and went crazy. Not only that, but I was like I'm going to die for that. I then began to cough on purpose, to see if blood is coming. The whole day long. Today, I obviously cringe about that, because this was ongoing for like three months. What was I even thinking? Just because I once spit blood — which was clearly related to the fact, that I had nose bleeding the day before, I somehow assumed the worst. And I constantly, really constantly, began to cough. Google symptoms of lung cancer, COPD and whatever. I was so 100% sure I'm going to die. I even collected the minimal amount of blood I spit to let doctors see it in the hospital, and was waiting in the waiting room. But then a doctor herself told me in, became extremely furious with me, shouted at me and basically threw me out, telling me not to worry about anything. I suspect her having seen really something bad this day. Obviously it triggered her heavily that people like me, with no real issues at all, wasted her time. I immediately came back to my senses and felt ashamed by my behavior and how stressful I've acted around everyone. But then it just got worse. The coughing became real. I coughed constantly without wanting it and not as a compulsion anymore. So my concerns felt this time valid, as I constantly felt a tingle or itch in my throat. And then again: I went to several doctors, let them check what's going on. And obviously, no one could “help” me. The question now is: How did I overcome this? Well, my OCD focused all its concentration on another incident: I felt some kind of very tiny knob on my neck — just another silly episode. That's why I somehow didn't care anymore, that I constantly had to cough. Now guess what: Literally one to three days after the new episode, while I coughed for like 3 months constantly before, my coughing stopped completely, as I didn't focus on it anymore. If you want to overcome this, you really need to not care anymore about it. Your brain needs to recognize, that it isn't important. And to do that, you have to ignore it and to focus on different stuff. Not fighting, not arguing with or whatever, but you need to learn to ignore it as brain noise. As a random thought, that doesn't hold any relevance in your life. It's actually super easy to overcome this. But as long as OCD has latched itself into this, it's very hard to overcome it. But in plain sight, it's so god-damn easy. I went from 100% focus on that to 0% focus on that, which basically let me forget it instantaneous. Can I ever know that I'm not having a serious health issue? Obviously not. But I just know that this isn't relevant, as my OCD was just letting me exaggerating it. OCD for me is like a “second mind”. It's not part of my real mind. It is like a lens, that puts itself over the eyes of my normal mind. Making things different for me then they really are. It's so weird and even though I fully understand how it works, I can't figure out how to fight it, without my current episode getting replaced by a new episode. Super strange. I highly suspect that I suffer from some kind of physical brain related issue. Like it's more of a physical thing in me and not really a psychological thing. I just get this 100% focus on something. Literally everything. I get it on so many themes, it's just absurd. But it also had its positive effects on me and my life: I was so convinced that I'll fail at school, that I basically memorized every single notebook of each school subject word by word (I'm not kidding), just to make 100% sure I'll not fail. Yeah, in the end I went from being a bad to average student to the best of the whole school. I even got an award by local companies because of how good my grades were. But in the aftermath I just know that it was 100% OCD related, as it was a horrible time for me. But somehow I'm gladful that I had it, as it basically lead to the career I have today — a very well paid by the way, especially given that I come from a poorer background. Fascinating, isn't it? But yeah, that's just some backstory I wanted to share with you and I really hope, that it somehow may help you.

Who doesn't? I think it's fairly normal. Even if I associate something completely non-sexual like a tree, car or monitor with something sexual, I always get a groinal response. I mean. It's as if we can put ourselves into a “sexual mode”. Where we then afterwards can see through our “sexual mind”. Very weird to explain. And once we do that, our brain automatically gives signals to our groinal area. And here you go: You'll have groinal responses. There was a theologian and scientist with whom I talked once about that and he basically told me, that sexuality is uncategorizable and has to be seen more or less as something like on a spectrum. Categories are human constructs. There is no “Homosexuality”, “Heterosexuality” or whatever in the biological sense. There is just sexuality. In the Victorian age there was a real issue with men getting aroused by curvy tables. Therefore, they put tablecloth over those curvy tables, to make sure men don't get aroused by it. Sounds silly, but back then this was a real issue. It's also why people in prison do homosexual acts with each other — yeah, it's still an ongoing issue in prisons and a reason, you can get condoms from the prison doctors. Now here we are. You get groinal responses. And I highly suspect it is because your OCD make you go into this “sexual mode”. Your OCD basically makes you aware of it, as it is triggered by your anxiety and then your OCD puts you into this “sexual mode”, without you really desiring it. It's actually so paradox, but that's how OCD manifests itself in our brains. "Don't think of the pink elephant" -> You automatically think of the pink elephant. And here is the same: You don't want to feel those groinal responses to specific things, which just then automatically makes you see those things as something sexual, which then leads to your groinal area reacting to that. It's so absurd. But it is, as it is. Try not to worry about it. It's normal. A lot of people, also people with no OCD at all, have those moments of their anxiety triggering the sexual mode and therefore them becoming groinal responses. Difference between them and us are, that our responses are mostly triggered by our OCD constantly, while theirs is triggered by an random intrusive thought once, which they — and that's the key difference between them and us — afterwards can easily dismiss.

Hey Cora. I also suffer heavily form pure OCD — this disease always makes me doubt everything. And I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's as if there is no solution for your answer. It's as if you're stuck in this forever. I had a very bad incident happen to me, that triggered my pedophile related OCD — even though it's not classical POCD as written in books, but more like inappropriate touching themed. I basically was sleeping in my bed with my wife and my little baby daughter, and my daughter is always moving like a snake across the bed when she is asleep. Cute, but to my horror also the beginning of one of the worst OCD episodes I've ever had, and sadly is still my theme. I somehow had a sexual dream this night and well, I also make humping movements when I have those dreams: I normally do that if I lie on my stomach, so there wasn't any risk of doing that inappropriately against someone else, and therefore I was never really concerned by it. It's also pretty common for a lot of people that have a higher libido or feel some kind of pressure down there (that's why it only happened to me if I lied on my stomach), I guess. Now guess what happened? Remember that my daughter moves like a snake? Remember that to have this happen, there has to be some pressure “down there”? Guess where my daughter moved herself to? Yes, exactly at my crotch. And I had a sexual dream. I don't know why I, but somehow while I was still dreaming and fully asleep, I also somehow got semi consciousness about my surroundings and slowly realized that I was dreaming. And even though I was still in this weird half asleep mode, where you still dream, but are also somehow being “aware”, I felt that something was off. Weird. And while I did those movements, I realized I wasn't lying on my stomach. Then the name of my daughter popped into my mind. Slowly realizing what's going on. Once I fully comprehend what happened — that she was basically lying on my groin and I did those movements against her —, I immediately went up, disgusted by what just happened, changed my position as fast as I could, just to fell asleep again seconds later. I basically got myself to awaken from my sleep, because I felt that something was off. Pretty amazing the more I think about it. And this was the start of one of the worst episodes of my life. The next day I woke up, I felt guilty as hell. I felt horrible about what happened. Oh, god! I somehow read online about this to figure out: did it ever happen to others? And I've read about "Sexsomnia" and read the worst stories I could ever read, basically fueling my angst even more. And this also just triggered my OCD more: I doubted that I didn't react immediately or that I at least could have reacted faster: Did I continue making those automatic movements for like a second, even though I had capabilities to react faster? Am I having "Sexsomnia" and maybe did I even worse while I was asleep? Did I do stuff like that in sleep-overs when I was younger? Literally hell. My OCD is being fueled mostly by having doubts: Doubts about something being normal I've done, doubts about something having happened, doubts about doing something with the rights intentions, when I had an intrusive movement in the very same moment — I hate this the most! Doubt about everything. As long as I'm not 100% capable of getting rid of the doubt or having a solution, I can't move on. And in this particular issue I viewed myself in my eyes as not really as a pedophile, but as someone who inappropriately touched his daughter — which actually leads to my current theme, as I always fear that I inappropriately touched someone. Very similar to yours, just that yours is also about your general feelings, I guess. But coming back to this story: Here I am. I told my wife about what happened. I cried in front of her. Said stuff like “you can call the police if you want, about what I'm going to tell you”. Our “you'll never see me with the same eyes as before” — Oh god, I still cringe about that. And my wife of course became very concerned, asked me if I was cheating on her. Well, then I told her, what have happened. The moment after I told her this, she burst out in laughter, left the room and called me silly, for being so concerned about that. She really expected something else. And she knew about my humping as well. So she was laughing even more. She really knows about me exaggerating every single thing. Yet I didn't believe her. No matter how often she told me to chill about this. And the more I tried to remember what exactly happened, the more details I somehow put into this. Doubted my memories about this, I had for two weeks. I developed false memories, added stuff and questioned myself in this very exact moment. Starting from “Why did this happen to me” to “I hope she doesn't develop a trauma out of it” to “Did I felt pleasure specifically to my daughter, and therefore I continued to do so?”. In a span of like two months, constantly reliving my memories of this moment. And the more I read, the more I put other stuff into my memories. Somehow integrated others experiences into my event. Make it much worse, that it ever was. Back then, I couldn't see it. Now I can, simply because my mind stopped having the OCD view on this, the lesser I thought about it. Thinking back, I could slap my face for this. I tried to analyze myself over something, where I reacted completely normal as everybody else do by being as fast as I could, about something completely by accident, and yet I managed to doubt me and myself. I tried to analyze the possibility of me thinking in this one-second period something very bad. Like, what the hell? The amount of thoughts/emotions I would have had in this situation doesn't even fit in this one second where I got up and reacted. I mean, I even got up? I somehow expected myself to be a super human, who is able to comprehend stuff immediately, even though he was still asleep and reacted pretty fast — I guess even faster than most. Today I laugh about this incident. And do you know why? Not because I somehow got over it like normal people, but because other events that since that happened. I re-focused all my OCD powers completely on them. Even today, I still suffer from a bad episode, even though most people think I'm just stupid over this and overthink again — And I know people claim, that other OCD themes are equally horrifying, but trust me, the worst someone can have, are those related to your and mine stuff, as I had a lot of different themed episodes. Pedophilia related OCD was and still is the worst! I'm glad I don't have the classical POCD, as this would kill me. I myself don't really bother that much about being pedophile, simply because all my themes are more related to something that happened or could have happened, not about me or myself as a person. I simply know I'm not a pedophile. That means, I just fear I inappropriately did this or that, that could be classified as sexual assault. But to doubt oneself in the present must be really horrible. I really wanna share a hug with you, because I can't comprehend what you must go through. I just feel sorry for what you feel. Fore like two years you're posting regularly. This must be horrible for you. Yet if I look back at my incident and what I deemed as the worst possible thing that could ever have happened, I think of myself as being extremely silly now. I wasted two months on this for nothing. And Cora. I've read every single incident of yours. And trust me: Those are also complete non issues. My current episode is also a non issue. But somehow, I'm only to be able to see it, if something supposedly worse happens to me. Yet my brain knows it! The more time goes, the clearer I see it. Back to this incident, though: I don't need an answer if I reacted fast enough or not. I don't know it. Maybe I didn't? Maybe I even did it on purpose for a split second? Human Brains are complex, and intrusive thoughts happen to everyone. I simply don't care anymore. I laugh about this, because I just know, that this is something I would never do under NORMAL circumstances — can't say for my sleep state haha. Furthermore, I'm pretty sure I would have developed this inappropriate touching themed OCD in the context of incest, if this was my mom. Or a gay context if it was my brother. Just happened to be my baby daughter. Therefore, my OCD latched on that. Under all of it, the underlying issue here is and always will be OCD. And therefore I can understand all the others that doesn't have your theme, that they think nothing out of all your incidents. People that have similar themes to yours do feel for you and somehow can relate, but even they still see it as a much lesser catastrophe than you do. Now imagine people not having this theme at all. For people that suffer from contamination OCD — I also have this in a very light form — this is a complete non issue, simply because they don't have all those negative associations with this. But the problem is, you and me can't see it they way it should be seen. Because we have this very big Angst of being the worst or in my have case having done the worst we could ever imagine. But if you think about it: Isn't this enough evidence that you're not like that? That all of those moments you had, are basically non-relevant in terms of all the stuff you really value, and you live by? Think about it, Cora. You're not a bad person. Absolutely not. Even though your OCD tells you otherwise.