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discuccsant

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Everything posted by discuccsant

  1. That you right now "hope" to get rid of this fear, by hoping to not experience any kind of intrusive thoughts, sensations, feelings and so on. And therein lies your very problem: As long as you don't experience them, you're fine. Once you experience them, though, you instantly break down. And why? Because exactly as she said, you still give the intrusive thoughts, sensations and feelings some kind of menaing, they actually don't deserve! You still try to figure out, what the groinal responses could mean, instead of just ignoring them and keep going, as if they didn't happen at all. You're like a guy, who fears spiders, but just hope to be lucky enough to never encounter them. Do you think this will work? I doubt so. As long as you keep testing yourself, wether or not you feel some kind of sensations by doing this or that, you'll be stuck in this forever. There is no way out of this. So your main issue is that you keep questioning yourself over these kind of intrusive thoughts sensation, i.e. groinal responses. And the key to beat your OCD in this, is by doing the exact opposite: You don't question yourself at all, so that it doesn't matter whether or not you experienced some kind of sensation. That's literally the solution of how to beat OCD on this. Why don't you give it a try the next time you experience any kind of groinal response? Good luck!
  2. Hey Ma, look. This is just classical OCD. I think this might help you, as I can 100% relate to you: As long as it didn't feel like, as if I did something out of a 100% clear and good intention, i automatically assumed, that it was something done out of a bad intention. What a dumb logic. But that's just how OCD works and couldn't be further from truth. Why? Because no mother is like "I'm going to kiss my baby. This is because I need to show love and affection to my baby. Done. Now I hug my baby, to show it another form of love and affection. Done.". No, haha. They don't think anything at all. They just kiss their baby, without questioning themselves. Parenting is not about being some kind of mechanical robot, with 100% clear and good intentions, before any kind of interaction with your children. Social interactions generally doesn't work like that. This would be super stressfull. So everything you did was alright. Keep doing that. You just need to stop questioning yourself in the aftermath, whenever your OCD tells you, that you did something bad. The next time OCD tells you, that you did something disgusting, you just go ahead and kiss your son once again. Be like: "Get lost, OCD. You can't attack me on that". It's hard, but that's the only way. Keep going! And trust me. Please. OCD will loose it's grip on you. Don't worry. It will feel horrendous, but it will go away. Always remember: Your child doesn't care wether or not the hug was with 100% clear and good intentions. No! Your child only cares for the hug itself and the love it felt from his mothers hug. Don't give OCD the power I gave it and learn from my mistakes. You wont feel bad because of the stuff OCD throws at you, but because of the time you wasted. Trust me on this. Really. I was in the exact same shoes as you!
  3. To not hijack another thread: I do experience short anxiety spikes, where I feel like, as if I'm not cautious enough, I'll falling back into OCDs compulsion and obsession trap. The anxiety isn't really that much about my old themes or intrusive thoughts, but more about this constant fear of falling back into this rabbit hole, once something shocking happens to me, I'm not really aware off now. I guess this fear is because of the fact, that whenever OCD hit me, it was because of something I never would have expected and because of something, that shocked me tremendous back then. But I hate this constant fear! I just want to be completely free from OCD, without even giving a single thought about it. Without the fear of falling into OCDs trap, if I don't be careful enough. I just want to be like all the other people. I don't want to be in this constant state of "being cautios" to not doing any kinds of compulsions, once a anxiety triggering thought pops up randomly. Sometimes it feels for me, as if it's simply my character, I try to surpress, as I'm known as a thinker. What do I mean by that? Well, I do want to think about random thoughts here and then, but I have to stop myself, because I fear that I might push myself into OCD. I really surpress myself! But maybe it's just something I learned from OCD? I guess decades of having OCD just influences your mind and thinking in some point. I don't know. I'm also a little bit concerned when seeing Caramoole, Snowbear and so on: Even though they are more or less "experts" on OCD and even though they did suffer from it for a long time, they still don't have "Ex-Sufferer" as their status. This makes me wonder why. What does this mean for me? How it comes, after all these years, that OCD still has an impact on their lifes? The very fact, that I'm still participating in this forum, is something, I also question myself time to time. To be completely free of OCD, also means, that I wont even be like "Oh yeah, let's go to ocdforums.org or Reddit and "help" some people there" -> I'm actually doubting that I'm helpful at all, I just feel like, as If it's something I need to do, as to feel as a part of this community or something like that. Mabye because I like to be around people, who also have to live with this? And here again: I don't want to associate with people who have OCD at all. No, it's not because I despise people with OCD. Absolutely not. But I just want to forget about this traumatizing illness once and for all. OCD had a very bad impact on me and I'm still traumatized by it. So I think it's pretty normal, that I don't want OCD in my life in any kind of form. I want to distance myself as much as possible from OCD. I don't want to feel "different" to others around me, because I have OCD. This sucks! It just feels like, as if I'm still not really free from OCD, even though most people here would love to be "in my state". I just feel down and depressed. Are there others who can relate to me and maybe even have some advice for me? Thanks!
  4. Exactly this! My worst theme was about inappropriately touching someone, same as yours, Ma. It just wasn't restricted to children only: I completely distanced myself from my wife, my children and friends. I was always afraid I could sexually assault someone out of an random impulse/urge. I think Cora resembles me the most, haha. So? No more hugs to anyone. It doesn't matter who it was. My mother, father, wife, children and friends. Everyone needs to be safe from me! Sometimes, when I did some kind of ERP, it really felt, as if I did it out of an bad intention, so that I distanced myself even more from anyone. This was actually the worst I could do and really hindered my progression. I sometimes even faked, that I did ERP, during my therapy, just to avoid these kind of situations. How stupid, right? The problem, concerning my children, was though: If I would keep distancing myself, never take them on my arms and keep neglecting any physically love, because of my fear: "What effect would this have on my children?" Personally for me, to realize this, was a key moment during my battle against OCD: To understand, that with this exact type of avoidance behaviour, I'm actually hurting my children. There were moments where they craved for hugs, but I was just like "Oh, I need to work. Go to mommy", just to avoid touching my children. Stuff like taking their hands became a problem for me. MY OWN CHILDREN. I'm still asking myself, if my behaviour back then could have any bad impacts on my children. I hope not, but I think it might have: This went for like one year, so it would be like a miracle, if it doesn't. Shame on me for that. Children will feel emotional neglect, exactly like Caramoole said. This will have a negative impact on them and you'll hurt them, if you don't "take the bite" and force yourself, to be the parent your children NEED. They NEED affection in form of hugs, kissed and cuddling. Children need this! That's how you show them, that you love them. That's how children feel loved! There are thousand of studies, that neglecting this kind of love, will negatively effect children. Thousands! If anything bad ever came out of my OCD, then this. Nothing else. Who cares if it "felt real" or that I actually tried to do the opposite with my behaviour, i.e. not hurting/assaulting anyone, when, in fact, my behaviour did hurt my children! And that it WILL have some kind of bad influence on my children! That's the only thing I did wrong! Nothing else! Instead of fighting OCD the proper way, I faked ERP, continued with these kind of compulsion and damaged the emotional basis of my children, by neglecting them the fatherly love. Maybe to realize this, will help you to overcome your fear. Please, don't make the same mistakes as I did. I wish you the very best.
  5. May I ask how long you are already diagnosed with OCD? I'm in fact like this, but I hoped to get rid of it, once and for all. Reading this, worries me a little bit. I really want to put "Ex-Sufferer" at some day on my OCD Status, haha.
  6. Because you're fixated. That's why. Keep doing compulsions and it gets worse. Stop it and you'll see how things change. Either you the take the red pill and accept, that you need to change your behaviour pattern to get better or you keep taking the self-destructive blue pill, and continue ruminating like crazy, becoming more and more fixated on the obsession and develop more and weirder intrusive thoughts, which makes it even harder "to understand". There is nothing more to say about this. Make your choice.
  7. Caramoole is absolutely right. There is no moment with some kind of "urge", that will feel the exact same as the other moment. It doesn't matter if it's about an intrusive urge, feeling, sensation or whatever. They'll always be slightly different compare to before and that's why there is and never will be the perfect explanation, to explain them all. There just needs to be one single doubt and there you go: Your question for reassurances continues. Forever. And all you got out of the perfect explanation for urge X is, that you'll keep questioning yourself, once another urge Y pops out: "This time this urge was REAL and not like the fake urge before!". Just one detail needs to be different. Just one doubt. And there you go: "I know back then, as you explained, wasn't a real sexual urge, but this one really feels so different!". Yes, "this one" always "feels so different". Saw that thousand of times. No offense, Cora, but that's basically how it goes for you. We explain you situation X and you experience situation Y in the aftermath, with some slight differences, and instead of applying what we told you to apply, you immediately ask for another clarfication. And why? Because "this one feels so different". No! Stop this! Don't want to sound harsh, but I'm just so frustrated to see, how you basically keep up with this self-destructive behaviour! Nobody here is annoyed by you, but everybody is simply sad, that you can't seem to make any improvements! It really tears my heart appart! You're still so young, please! Listen to us! To you, FlyingRocket: Do you really want to be stuck like Cora? Instead of applying our advice, simply ignore what every tells you to do and keep destroying yourself by keep doing the same compulsions, over and over? Stop SEARCHING for the PERFECT EXPLANATION! It wont help you! Just trust us! We gave you everything you need on how to beat OCD and how to be happy again and self-confident enough about your sexuality. Wish you the very best.
  8. Hi, yeah, it's pretty common with OCD to attack your past as well. Especially when you happen to suffer from things concerning your morals, e.g. harm, sexuality and so on. The OCD subreddit in Reddit is basically mostly about this and I think it's because they are pretty young there, i.e. their OCD didn't latch into other things, as it did for us. I, for exmaple, couldn't care less about my child and teenage sins, but that's maybe because I'm a little bit older then others there. So yes, people on Reddit do have a lot of obsession about their teenage sins, i.e.: "I once experimented with sexual stuff with my cousin, when I was nine years! I feel disgusted and ashamed!" "I once watched illegal porn when I was 1X years old. I can't move on form that!" "I once bullied some child, when I was a teenager! I can't shake the feeling off, that I destroyed his life!" "I once sniffed the panties of my sister, when I was a teenager. I'm disgusting!" "I once hit this guy for no good reason! I might have traumatized him for life!" "I once did fart in the classroom, and pretented it was some other guy, who in the aftermath was bullied as "farty" after that! I destroyed his school experience!" - Yes, I've read this story and as horrible it it for "farty" sounds, I actually laughed out loud, haha. Bla, bla and bla. I'm pretty sure everyone did dumb stuff as a teenager, they happen to regret at a later point in their life. Human brains are not fully developed at this time and age. It's normal to do questionable stuff as children or teenagers, without being fully aware of the moral implications. It's normal in our development and in our quest, to become adults. And it's something we would do differently from our todays point of view. And this is the only thing that's important. So, in retrospect to our past, all we have to know is this: "What only matters is who we are now and not who we were or what we did back then.". That's literally how people without OCD would do, if random memories from their past popped out and how they would find peace in the aftermath. That's how they would come in terms with it. Humans are not perfect. Especially our youngsters. They can't be perfect, because they have to do mistakes by themselves. There is no human child or teen who walks on the earth like an angel. Take me: I'm in fact pretty sure that I was among the best children, a parent could have had. No criminal records, good at school, nice and respectful to people. Yet, even I did questionable stuff here and then, I'm absolutely not proud of. In fact, I still regret certain things I did to others randomly. I once bullied a "friend" of mine, who cried in the aftermath. Yeah, still hurts to see his face. But I can't change my past. It's part of me and even though I did some other stupid stuff as well, I was still a pretty decent guy, compared to others back then. Pretty sure the same goes for you, too. We do a lot of mistakes throughout this time. That's how being a child and teenager works. People with OCD are sadly not able to be reasonable enough to see it that way, because - as you very correctly said - everything is viewed in this very strict "black and white" pattern. No middle ground, no forgiveness, no contextualizing, but just very hard and strict verdicts upon ourselves. Now what can you do out of this? Instead of ruminating over stuff like these, you simply do, what you did before random memories popped out: You stop thinking about them and you don't give them any relevance. Just remember, that it's totally normal to be unreasonable during this time and age. Absolutely normal. All that matters is how you are behaving today and if you would do things otherwise, compared to back then. Pretty sure I wouldn't behave like a douchebag and "jokingly" bully my "friend" in front of others, so that he cries out of the emotional pain - really, this makes me wanna punch my old self. I wish you the very best!
  9. Everytime I read topics about this, I just get very frustrated, because of the misconceptions and how easy it would be to fix this. Whenever the topic is about sexual thoughts, I just get somehow triggered, because I'm like: How it comes you guys don't understand how sexuality works? I'm now sure if you know it or not, but I'll just post this once, to give you maybe some kind of "Oh well, I can work with that to beat OCD" vibes. If you keep asking questions over stuff like these over and over again, then it's 100% clear that no explanation will help you and that you should really stop asking for clarification like that. To make it short : Yes, you can have sex with everything and it will bring sexual pleasure without, despite your morals or your desires. Sorry, that's how mechanical/physical stimulation works. Can't do anything about it. Yes, you can find other men or parts of their body attractive as well, if they happen to resemble features of things we like from women, e.g. curvy bottoms and so on. Sorry, but men do get easily stimulated by visuals. Our eyes don't care if the yoga pants is being worn by a man or woman, as long as it have specific characteristics we like. That is how our biology works. Yes, if you think about having sex with a man, you'll feel something "down there" and even some kind of arousal. Simply because of the feelings you would associate with it, as explained in point 1). This is how we as humans work. Once again. Yes, you will have weird sexual feelings, you don't like, because your preference is pointed at something else, i.e. woman. Egodystonic is the key here. That's normal. Refer to pont 1), 2) and 3) to understand why these sexual feelings could and will happen throughout your life. Yes, if you see stuff with your "sexual eyes", you'll have a "sexual feeling". Normally we would do it out of intuition, because we think something is sexy with our minds, but people with OCD tend to do it out of testing and not out of actual desire. I think it's called "false attraction", but look: If you look at a potato with "sexual vibes" it will always feel "sexual" to you. Understand my point? If you put yourself into "sexual mode", of course everthing will feel "sexual", even though you don't desire it at all. Man, I can have sexual vibes to the trash bin right next to me, if I would force myself to view it in a sexual way! Everytime I read stuff like that, it feels for me like, as if someones complains is like this: "Oh man, whenever I smash my head against the wall, it keeps hurting! What should I do?! I can't take it anymore!". Get my point? Now: Stop testing your physical reactions, as there is no need to, because of everything I explained. Stop trying to figure stuff out and just like, what you like: Women. Without questioning it. If you do want to like women only, then there you go: That's called heterosexual. No more questions asked. Don't give a single .... about your body in all of this. Stop asking for reassurance, you tarn as quest for clarification, over and over again. This wont help you and just makes everthing worse! You don't need any kind of reassurance! You simply don't! Go and with your life and stop giving the kinds of intrusive thoughts any kind of importance anymore: Don't have girlfriend? Get yourself tinder and try to get one, that's more important that whether or not you could have sex with some guy named Grzegorz, haha. Now stop giving these kind of thoughts, no matter what they're about, any kind of importance anymore. They are not important at all. Just understand, that our bodies ARE NOT our minds and that we can't force our bodies to be a 1:1 reflection of our minds. This doesn't work. Sorry, but you have to live with this. But don't worry: It's normal and for everybody the same. Wish you the very bes
  10. I'm really sorry for all the struggle you go through. The more I read from you, the more it breaks my heart, of how deeply affected you are by OCD. All the things you feel bad for, are things I haven't even considered people could have OCD themes about. Without trying to sound rude, it's very obvious that the guilt and shame you feel for all this stuff has absolutely no fundamental basis. That's a clear thing to everyone, except for you. It's 100% OCD infused guilt and shame, by OCD overexaggerating these fantasies' relevance in terms of your values and sexual morals. Given that you feel otherwise, this makes it very clear, that there is not one rational explanation, that will help you to get out of this hell. I actually wrote a big fat essay initially by giving you some kind of explanation of why humans get easily aroused by taboo topics, such as cheating, slutty behavior etc., but I stopped, after I gave it another thought. I think this won't help you at all. The OCD goggles you're right now wearing simply won't allow that, and I'm pretty sure that tons of people already explained everything to you. Explanations are never the good way. True, sometimes people need some kind of initial reassurance, if the matter isn't very clear to them, due to a false education or puritan religious upbringing. But just once one would require this clarification and explanation that everything is alright with them, to be able to move on from that. But that's not the case if you have OCD. If you do have OCD, then the very opposite happens: OCD induced compulsions tends to go more and more into the detail of everything. In your case, this will just create more and more room and opportunity to rumination about everything and lets you fall deeper and deeper into this dark abyss, you're already very deep in. Your logic simply doesn't work as it supposed to, once OCD has its grip on you. OCD went let you do that. OCD made you blind. And you REALLY need to understand this. You need to accept, that you can't think clearly. You need to trust us and the people, who are there to help and explain to you, that all the reasons and events you feel guilty for, or you're ashamed by, is just because of OCD. If you give us and your therapist this initial trust, you'll be able to work on that. I know, it's hard to accept, but it's the truth. Trust us. Right now it seems to me, as if you haven't accepted, that everything is just OCD. You're like a heroin addict, who doesn't believe that he is a heroin addict. There is no way to beat heroin addiction, if it isn't even realized by the addict itself. If the addict doesn't actively seek for help and do proper therapy. You don't even need to accept this "by feeling". I get that you'll still doubt everything everyone tells you regarding this and that you are confident, that there might be something different in your case. That's how it is for everyone. That's why people can't beat OCD. If we were able to do accept OCD immediately for what it is, nobody here would post on this forum. OCD always feels real. That's why OCD is so hard to beat by yourself. I really doubt that even one person was able to beat OCD, without any kind of help from someone else, like not even a book. It's impossible. And because of that, you must trust us, when we say to you, that you should NOT believe your inner feelings and that your shame and guilt isn't any evidence, that you're in fact some perverted guy. The only thing these feelings tell US, as spectators, is that you clearly suffer heavily from OCD. You need to understand this, even if you don't believe it yet. Just understanding it. You need to swallow the pill, no matter how unrealistic or false it seems for you. No matter the emotions you go through. Just keep swallowing the red pill. The effects won't show immediately, and it will take time, to get back on track, but you need to give us your trust in this one. If you're ready to see that and be able to accept it, only then you can work on stopping the compulsions and slowly, but surely taking off the OCD goggles this way. I wish you the very best, and please hang by. Whenever you are at your wits' end: Please, remember, that we are always here for you and that we will always try to get you through all of this. Okay? Keep it going, buddy, and feel sincerely hugged!
  11. Because you don't stop the compulsions. That's the reason. There is no other magical reason. As long as you don't stop going to this forum, posting about every single event, asking for reassurance, asking for why and so on, you'll not be able to get better. I'm sorry, but this isn't about finding a logical answer. This is about getting OCD to be quiet. Why don't you give it a try? Look, the next time you experience another moment/event/intrusive thought, you just watch the newest episode of your favorite series. Just give it a try and let us knw, how it went.
  12. I was having a lot of intrusive thoughts this week, but managed to focus on business related stuff and achieved something very great for our investment company after a very long night. Instead of ruminating about the thoughts, which I sadly still occasionally do, I instead 100% and completely focused on finding the solution for the problem we had. Well: I did find the solution! The great thing is: The solution I found will bring my company tons of income, and I'm quite happy, that I was able to not give a single thought about the thoughts, once I had enough determination to focus on this. In fact, we already generate commerce because of the solution! In older times, I had to stop doing business related stuff, because my intrusive thoughts lead me to rumination for like every single second of my day. Obviously, my whole company was heavily affected by me not being there, as I'm not only one of the founders, but also the actual "brain" of the company. We effectively lost money. Without the visionary, there is no vision to go for. But after today I feel like, as if I'm back on track!
  13. Hi, yeah, that's classical OCD. That's why your intrusive thoughts are so persistent. You don't want to have the thoughts, so you try to repress them. It's basically like the "Don't think of purple elephant" thing. If you ACTIVELY try not to think about it, you'll basically think about it. So, obviously you don't need to feel guilty, as this is simply how our brain works. I would even go so far to say, that the attempt to not think about an intrusive thought, is basically the same thing as any other compulsion: You still try to fight the anxiety and to get some relief: Intrusive thought → Oh god, I need to think of something else. Don't do that. What you need to do, is to change your behavior pattern. The best way is to basically to not give the thoughts ANY kind of importance: Treat it like any other thought. What does that mean? It does mean that you simply don't care and re-focus on what you did before, without trying to ACTIVELY fight the thought: Intrusive thought → Hmm. Let's look for a good show on Netflix. That's the way it should be. Let me go more into detail, as this may be confusing for you: What would you do, if you had a thought about the moon? Would you try to actively fight to not think about the moon? Would you even give it a second thought at all? No, you wouldn't even know, one second later, that you had some random thought about it. You wouldn't care. You would just, out of intuition, switch the focus on something else. The thought about the moon was basically completely irrelevant for you, that you had no real desire to "get rid of it", but just did so automatically and unknowingly. That's why everyone is telling always to "not react to the though at all" or "just treat it like any other thought". You want to get back to this state of having no emotional attachment to intrusive thoughts. Right now, you're like some guy, who tries to fight off an annoying fly, while others in the very same room, wouldn't even notice the fly, because how irrelevant it's for them. I hope you got the idea. I wish you the very best and keep strong! It's hard, but we'll both do it!
  14. I clearly remember a very intense wet dream during my youth, where I had sex with a woman. When I woke up, I came to the realization that I dreamt of my mom. The moment I realized that, I wanted to throw up and felt disgusted. Still gives me the chills to think about that 🤢🤮. Very traumatizing for me back then. And no, I never had any kind of thoughts about this before or generally any kind of OCD regarding this. So I happened to have this dream for no reason. It's just like, as if my dream brain wanted to troll me on purpose. So. Given this experience, I call this theory easily ********.
  15. I never heard of stuff like that. Guess I learned a new way how to troll my friends the next time I meet them. Anyway. Yeah, I do agree with that. I'm pretty sure the term “groinal response” does hold some truth, as this correctly implicates, that not every single form of feeling “down there” is because of some kind of sexual arousal. I never questioned that. I just wanted to weaken it a layer above, if you know what I mean, so that he doesn't even need to question the stuff “down there” at all. Basically making it much easier for him to see how sexuality really works, instead of letting him this false perception continue ruining his life. Take me: I, discuccsant, would be 100% able to have sex with a potato. And anybody else here could do that as well. Even though we could have sex with a potato – don't ask me how that works, lol – nobody here is in fact a potatosexual. That's my point here. Our physical reactions are completely unrelated to our actual sexual preferences or sexual desires. Hell, I'm pretty sure I saw an amazing woman here and then but didn't even feel an “inch of movement” down there. Like dead meat. But who cares about my body here? I'm actually glad my body doesn't always reflect my inner mind, whenever I see a really sexy woman. That would be embarrassing. Cringy puberty vibes incoming, haha. I just hope Eric gets the point here. He really needs to stop using “oh my body this, oh my body that” as reasoning for his fear, as this doesn't say a thing.
  16. Hey, I've just read your posts, and I'm really sorry for you. I can't imagine the trauma you went through. This must have been horrible. Feel hugged. I can relate with the false memories' thing. They are not really “false memories” in the sense, that you don't have any kind of memory regarding this. No. But the problem is the false source attribution you give to them. So you may have read something in the newspaper ago about something similar like that, that's why you feel this feeling of familiarity, as if you can remember stuff. Memories don't say anything about the reality, though. Memories are just the brain's attempt to recreate a scenario from information. You could even have a memory of an older intrusive thought, which also feels real. Or you may have heard about something like that. The issue is mostly that people with this issue alter the source of the memory itself and can't distinguish real personal experiences from other stuff. Like you forgot where you had it from and so your OCD attributes it to you and your past self, while that is just wrong. It's really hard to get over this, if you keep ruminating about your past. You need to stop this. OCD basically maximizes your anxiety and with that, alter the very reality of your memories to the worst case scenarios. Even personal experiences will be affected by OCD. OCD makes an encounter with some guy from the past, whom you only said “hello” to, to something like sex, just because it's power over us is so convincing for us sufferers. Anxiety basically kills our logic. If I had been anxious about killing people, I'm pretty sure I could easily convince myself, that vivid murder scenes from movies, I can't really remember, are actually vivid memories of my very own experiences. OCD would easily take this “feeling of familiarity” or “feeling of possibility” to convince me, that this is a vivid memory of me doing something horrible. People without OCD would also maybe feel this familiarity, but as they don't have this immense anxiety, they wouldn't always assume the worst i.e., telling themselves, that's their very own experience. You know how it all started for me? I questioned myself whether I was this or that, then tried to find “evidence” from my past. At the beginning, I was like: Phew! I'm 100% clean. OCD, you'll never be able to use my past against me. I'm like the perfect guy. Yet, with time, after ruminating more and more about my past, I, according to my OCD, had done horrible things. It just altered my past! I was never really able to remember the horrible stuff clearly, as they all felt vivid for me. I have an amazing memory and would remember embarrassing stuff or clear mistakes very clearly, so it never made sense. Here and then I found the source of a fear I had. Sometimes I mixed things up from my past. Took memory A and memory B, which had nothing to do with each other, just to create false memory C, which obviously was very familiar for me. What I'm trying to say to you in detail here, is that you basically need to stop ruminating about your past, as this will just create more and more false memories, and you should also know, that you shouldn't trust memories generally speaking. Memories are and never will be 100% true, as memories in their very nature are very subjective and aren't really memories in the sense, that they are “saved”. We don't save experiences in itself, but we just TRY TO RECREATE THEM with information. And with OCD, information can easily be altered, like in your case. We recreate them, image by image, and then put them together like in a movie. That's how normal memories work. And if a memory feels vivid, like in your case, you shouldn't even give it a single moment of attention. The rule of thumb for people with OCD is basically to ignore vivid memories regarding their obsessions, as they are and never will be anything else but false. If there is even one doubt, you take it as false. Period. Trust me, you would know a 100% if you did something, and you wouldn't try to figure it out. That's not how humans work. That's now how we remember things, which really happened. We know they happened and we don't need to figure anything out. We just know it.
  17. Don't worry, your title is just clickbait. As always with people that have OCD and confess their “incidents” on this forum. I trust you, and you should trust yourself as well. You gave the answer yourself at the very last sentence. It doesn't need more than that. And now stop ruminating about this and try to ignore all the compulsion urges.
  18. Keep it going, brother/sister. You'll get through this.
  19. Gay finger ratio? 🤣 Sounds like silly “tests” we did to each other at school, to make fun of them if they didn't “passed” the test. Ahh, good old times
  20. I think the whole concept of “gay” and “straight” is completely nonsense anyway, the way it is understood. Instead, you should maybe just accept, that you can also find men sometimes to be attractive. At least with your body. It doesn't matter really or says anything about you, nor does it mean, that you have “go through” with, just because your body reacted to something. Everything it tells you, is that you basically can do “gay” things, even if you don't like to do these things. You can, it doesn't mean you're supposed to, now. If you would like to have sexual relationship with women, you can do so, even if you identify as heterosexual woman. Just because your body won't say no, it doesn't mean you, with your mind, have to do it now. Don't take your physical reaction as some kind of proof for what you prefer. It's seriously the modern approach to give everything thing a category or some kind of pattern, when there in fact is not really anything regarding our physical sexuality. In the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what your body might react to, because all that matters, is what you want: And it's very clear, that you don't want to be gay, nor live the gay lifestyle. So what so hard saying about all of this: Who cares?! Everybody can be gay, if they want to be gay. It doesn't matter! I don't want to be gay. I like women. Period. If there is anything we can say for sure, then that human being have “preferences”. That's what people ACTUALLY mean by saying, that they are “straight” or “gay”. It doesn't mean their body is immune to everything else. It just means, that they like this or that and doesn't like this or that. Every human being is able to masturbate. Does this mean now that we are attracted towards ourselves, just because WE CAN get erections by some movements with our very own hands or thighs, whatever? No, it just means, that we can be physically aroused by some random movements with our very own body. Literally everything can be used for sexual pleasure. People use whatever they wanna use for masturbation. Don't you get this? It's the same as eating something you hate: You could eat it anyway and your stomach would be satisfied with it, but it doesn't mean you want to eat it at the end of the day. The same goes with your sexuality. You could be aroused by men, but this doesn't automatically mean, that you want to have sex with them. You just have a big misconception here. Not only that, but you think your body represents your preference. And this is simply wrong. This is scientifically established, by the way. There is no “gay” or “straight” gen. There is just socialization and with that preference. The same goes with food. What you like the most isn't determined by some random DNA structure, it's determined by your socialization. That's why former Jewish and former Muslim friends of mine still throw up, whenever they smell pork. It's just because they learned it that way.
  21. Look. Let's try to see what's the difference between you, with your OCD, and anybody else who reads this is. But I'm totally honest to you and really question whether one would be able to perfectly recall a memory from a year ago and a thought + intention. Like, I question the very event itself, but okay, let's take it for real for a moment. Anyway. I'm 100% sure, if it really happened, that everybody does this, without really thinking about it and unknowingly. It has nothing to do with attraction to anyone or anything. It's just flexing for no reason. You want to act cool, or you want to be fancied. It doesn't matter who the person (or person group) might be, but it's just like a way to feel good about oneself to see, that other people admire one, like one or think they are beautiful. People dress attractive, because they want to be attractive for others. People say here and then wise stuff, because they want to be seen as wise. And people say “cool” stuff, because they want to be seen as cool by others. You get my point, right? One step further: If a woman styles herself and dresses herself to look good for the office, does that mean that she has cheated her husband, as her husband isn't even around there? No! The logic your OCD wants to imply on your thinking is just nonsense. It's just all about improving one's self-worth. That's the normal way anybody would see it. Hell, they wouldn't even know that they did that, like it's so MINOR and something so NATURAL, that nobody would question oneself regarding this. Nobody would question themselves, because they aren't even aware of that. It's as I said completely natural to human behavior. I've never seen ANYONE question themselves why they like to dress stylish or what this does man or implies. Yet you do. See the difference? So for me and anybody else, it's so stupidly normal human, that I can EASILY see through what it means (NOTHING), yet you are somehow not able to see it and instead, you interpret this minor “event” as something extremely horrible in the WORST possible scenario. As always. You explode its importance out of space. You try to give it a bigger meaning, when there is no meaning at all. At least, nothing worthy enough to be called “meaning”. This is the big flaw in your mind, but you can't put out these OCD goggles, if you keep looking through it. You get what I mean? Why would it be so easy for me to “live” with this “incident”, while you are questioning your existence because of something so stupid? This is the point, you need to ask yourself. Why are you so different from anybody else regarding this? You need to understand this. And the answer to that is very simple: Because I never ruminated about these things, and it's nothing I would even think about. Like, I don't even know that I flex here and then. After reading your post, though, I was like: “Oh yeah, that sounds familiar. I also sometimes flex in front of other people, to be seen as cool”. I was only aware of moments like that, after reading your post. And I live for a long time, yet I was never aware of me doing that, yet it sounds familiar to me. But not once in my lifetime did I ask myself this or even noticed me flexing for no reason. See how extreme your rumination got? And you want to achieve this normal level of thinking again, before your OCD got you there, where you're right now: Being SUPER aware of every single thought, feeling or “incident”. That's super wrong. I've also seen you using the word “automatic movement” sometimes: I'm pretty sure the very same goes for that. Like everybody does these “automatic movements”, yet nobody is really aware of it, because it's like not noticeable, if you don't have it in your mind. I'm aware of it. I had OCD regarding touching people. Was horrible. But I'm pretty sure others, without OCD, are like: “Oh, you mean that? Oh, well. Yeah, maybe I sometimes slightly moved my hand to a specific direction, but I never really noticed it. I don't really know. Who cares?”. While you are like, “OH MY GOD, I DID THE WORST POSSIBLE THING!”. Do you know what I mean? The whole point of not giving into compulsions, is to stop being this super cautious about everything, even though nobody would notice a thing, if that had happened to them. Like no one. Trust me.
  22. Whenever I was in a depressed state, not necessarily related to OCD but generally, I found it to very helpful to listen to audiobooks, while trying to fall asleep. This way, you not only re-focus on something else, but also actually associate sleep with something different from “Oh no, now I have silence and focus to think about all the negative stuff again”, which I think may be one big factor, that makes sleep so hard, as your brain is somehow “trained” to go into the “rumination mode”, once you go to bed. Today, the habit of listening to audiobooks while sleeping, makes me really happy to go to bed, as I'm very excited to know how the story of the stuff I listen to continues, haha. A lot of people actually do that.
  23. Fantasizing about others is absolutely normal. Pretty sure your wife does it occasionally as well. Don't want to sound rude, but this sounds very weird to me. I mean: It's in our biology to find others to be attractive? I'm pretty sure I would be hurt, if I would know about all the fantasies my wife does have, but I don't really want to know, as I know it has absolutely no importance. Hmm. Not only that, but I'm not sure how to overcome this, if a very unrealistic expectation like that is set in your relationship. The mind is free of judgement. Who cares who you fantasize about: Just random neurons in your brain producing some images. I'm not sure how this considered to be cheating. Did you ever try to be completely open about this and your anxiety to your wife? Sometimes we tend to say stuff like that in relationship, without really meaning it literally, but just to make sure to emphasize, that we don't like something, i.e., to be cheated on.
  24. “Oh my god, you really tried to impress someone over the phone a year ago, by saying something loudly to your brother? How could you!?” Is that the reaction you want to hear from us? Is that the reaction you expect from us by telling us this story? Look. You say you have to share this. But why? Why do you think so, if you know by yourself, that confessing this kind of events every single time is going to make things worse, as this is an OCD compulsion? You just said it yourself in the very beginning and how bad confessing is, so I don't really get your goal behind in all of this. If you don't try to change this behavior pattern, you'll confess things like that for the next 50 years: There is no way, you'll be ever happy again in your life, if you continue this kind of behavior. Isn't that more scary than anything else, being stuck in this hell for the rest of your life, just because you don't stop confessing and ruminating about stuff? I'm not a fortune-teller, but rest be assured, that you'll be stuck with OCD forever, if you don't change your compulsion patterns. As harsh this may sound to you, but there is sadly no way out in all of this, if you don't give it a change. There is no magical answer, nor any kind of explanation, which will give an end to all of this. There is simply none. The only way to end all of this, is to accept this very reality and let your false expectations go, by giving up your compulsions and focusing on something else.
  25. Look, you need to stop asking for assurance every single time something “happens”. You won't make any progress this way. You got several explanations and at some point, you need to accept them. Reassurance seeking posts like this is just another compulsion, to feed your OCD with. You don't need the answer for anything, you just need to focus on how to deal with intrusive thoughts like that the correct way. Seeking for an answer will make things worse. Just re-focus on caring for your baby and that's it. Recognize the intrusive feelings, relabel them as for what they are, and refocus on what is important: Caring for your baby.
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