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discuccsant

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Everything posted by discuccsant

  1. It's the same for me. Perfectly worded. May I ask you if you also feel, as if you are still different to others in your non-OCD episodes? For me, it feels like that. I don't think I change my thought process when I'm not, but more like shifting my focus on other things, that don't cause me distress. You could say, that I have for example "OCD about being a good husband", where I try to focus on helping my wife as much as possible, which makes me feel good. But once my brain focuses on things, that causes me anxiety, it is the classical OCD you read about: Guilt, anxiety and so on. I'm really curious how it is for others in here.
  2. Well. Let's take me: It all started with accidentally touching someone → to fearing that people might misinterpret it, as if I did it on purpose → to trying to avoid situations where that could happen again → to sudden images and thoughts of groping others, which I got triggered heavily from → to sudden urges whenever there was some kind of proximity to others → to groinal responses I've never experienced before → to an actual minor event, where it felt like, as if I've acted on an impulse → to analyzing me and myself as person in a whole → to trying to find out if I'm a pervert who actually likes it→ to have feelings, as if I actually like the content of my intrusive thoughts → to.... You see how this ****** theme made it all worse? And I swear by god, the longer the obsession, the more awful it became. And it's all like a chain. It's the logical "successor" of the previous stage. And whenever the next evolution of my obsession happened, I wished like I could go back and do things differently, instead of ruminating over it like crazy, because "this was so much easier to deal with back then". I think with each "What If' you engage with, i.e. by doing compulsions and especially by seeking reassurance, you basically slowly but surely deepen your obsession. You encourage your brain to find more "What If's". Really. For me, it was like that I always tried to reason with it, find an explanation, just for my brain to went nuts and threw in another piece I had to deal with. It's as if your brain wants your obsession to be true, just so that you suffer even more. It's basically like a rabbit hole, you fall deeper and deeper, if you don't treat your OCD the right way and instead engage with all the compulsions. And I think it will reach a point, where you can't take it anymore. This is when people with OCD get hospitalized. Our brains are broken. Seriously. So yes, in a late stage left untreated, your obsession can feel like that. But I have yet to see a case, where there was true desire developed out of an obsession. And I think in the end it's important to ask yourself if you truly desire it or not, without any kind of shame, guilt or morals. And you won't. Absolutely sure about that. For me, personally, there is nothing more disgusting, than not respecting sexual boundaries, for example. And it's my obsession. I mean, I could live with having murdering someone, but not with this - not saying murder is okay, but it would be easier to handle for me. So yeah, it's the worst thing, in my mind, one could do. And no matter the intrusive thoughts, images, feelings, urges, impulses, and so I had, it ALWAYS caused me distress. Sometimes I was immediately distressed, and sometimes I needed some seconds for myself to evaluate the intrusive whatever. But in the end, I wanted to run away from it as far as possible from it.
  3. I would word it differently: I think all people with OCD have a certain thought process, that is different to people without it: - They are perfectionists - They are fairly quick in mastering certain skills - They can easily focus on certain topics - They question certain methods and find better one - They ask questions, nobody even dares to ask - They are able to rationalize superb - They have very high morals - They have strong empathy for others - They are very forgiving people - They try to find excuses for people, offending them Sounds all good, right? But with this kind of brain, you can easily suffer from OCD. And thank god, we have methods to overcome OCD. For me personally, though, people who are capable of having OCD are generally different people. They are unique. They are not autistic or something like that, but like them, their perception of things seems to me to be different in comparison to regular people. Is that bad? Nope. And this is what I think people mean, when they say, that OCD is chronic. I think we are just perfectionists, which in itself can easily lead to OCD, but having this type of perception isn't the mental illness OCD in itself. It's like being a gun. It doesn't mean we will kill someone, but we are capable of doing so. So your thought process is chronic, but the mental illness in the form of OCD is not.
  4. Hey again. I think what makes me really "fall back" into the OCD cycle, is when I try to go into detail about exactly what happened and also the way, how I sentence things. And therefore it feels like, as if I have two different brains: I'm like very calm, when I think: "Hey, I wanted to move the chair, but while doing so, I had weird vibes. It was weird and confusing for me in the aftermath. Never ever had something like that before or after that event. Just weird and I should forget about. All cool.". And it's okay for me to let it go this way. I mean. If someone with OCD told me about a story like that, I would be like: Common, your brain constantly fuels you with intrusive thoughts you panic about. And just because you think you might have done something with a bad intention or that you did micro movements, not even noticeable with a magnifying glass, while doing a normal thing: Who cares? It's not a big deal. Who cares if in a split second you felt this or that while doing a normal thing? Really! Calm down! → Brain A. But if I go into detail and think about it like: "I had to put my hands there, when I wanted to move the chair, but didn't want to at first, but had no alternatives. Then I was hyperaware of the exact moment, knew what it would mean to put my hands there and when my grip was touching this and that...", I go into full panic mode. And then I make the disgusting connection to real monsters. And I start to question myself: Did they have the same wrong intention, like I had in a split second, while they did their horrendous crimes? Did they also feel extreme guilt? Does it mean I'm capable of doing worse things? Was it a glimpse of my true character and desires? Am I a monster? What would society think about me?→ Brain B. And my brains are now constantly fighting in my head, over the true interpretation of events. And this is so confusing to me. Who is the right one here? Why does brain B have such a power over me emotionally, that I feel like the biggest scum on earth? And why on earth is brain A so calm about this and isn't panicking at all, that it just feels like completely ridiculous giving the event even the slightest of any meaning? That is what I mean when I say, that I have like to different brains. And it's so hard to deal with it. I feel good for like one to 4 weeks, sometimes even more, just to feel completely bad about it again. I hate it. In these moments, I don't function at all. The biggest problem with these two brain modes, is that both sound completely reasonable in their approach to me. It's just a matter of how I perceive things. And If my brain A is having control over me, that I do feel good again, yet I start "hearing voices" telling me, that I may lie to myself. That I try to belittle things. On the other hand, if brain B is on charge and I completely feel like, as if I can't take the anxiety, guilt and self-hatred anymore, I start having background thoughts, telling me that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, that I should stop being a drama queen over nothing and that I'm wasting my precious time over nonsense. I don't know what to do. Any advice on this?
  5. Thank you very much @snowbear, and sorry for the late reply. I just was on a very bad spot and somehow not capable of replying. But it was a huge help for me. I know you are right. It's so stupid how OCD manages out of nothing to completely overtake me and make minor events into such a big deal in my mind. I always feel like, as if I'm thrown back into a time, where I didn't function for years, because OCD completely took over. It's so hard. And today it really feels as if I have in fact two different brains, where one is very calm and logic-driven, while the other one is being hyperaware, self-crippling and full of self-hatred due to OCD's negative influence on it. I think the hardest path in all of this is to really stay calm and try to focus on other things, whenever OCD makes its move on me. I always feel like as if I'm almost over it and is if I do understand every thing intellectually. But then, the catastrophizing aspect of OCD manages to overtake my perception and creates a huge distortion, which makes it then REALLY hard to ignore. I really do feel like the worst human being in moments like these, and I really do feel like, as if, I'm just belittling huge events. I think people call it a "backdoor spike". That's basically what's always happening to me here and then. I just wish I could get rid of it completely. It's slowing down my life goals and makes me or less non-functional for the period of time I'm in this OCD distorted mode. I really need to find a way to stop this.
  6. Hi everyone, I'm right now in a horrible spot and feel very depressed. As you may know, my obsession was about touching people inappropriately and thus, I tried to avoid situations where I was too close to others, because of intrusive urges to touch them inappropriately. I successfully tackled it through therapy and have overcome my obsession. But there was one incident, where it felt like as I've acted on the intrusive urges. Like, genuinely acted on it on purpose. I've already told the story, when I tried to help others overcoming themes similar to mine, by showing them, that they are not alone in this. But sometimes it just hits me. My problem is that even though people told me that it is OCD, I still and always had a hard time classifying it that way. I more or less tried to shrug it off as something meaningless, but sometimes, like right now, I fail to do so. Because I'm not sure, if it is really OCD. Like, I do have OCD about OCD regarding this. There is another incident, very similar to this one, I already posted about on this forum, but this one is something different to me, I never really talked openly about, because of the shame and guilt I feel associated with it. So what did exactly happen? Our then two years old daughter had a special chair for toddlers, so that she could easily climb it, whenever she wanted to sit on it. It was a one very similar to this. One day, my wife wanted me to move the chair to the dining table, so that our daughter could eat her meal my wife prepared for her. And when I wanted to move the chair to the table, my daughter immediately climbed it. And therefore, I had to move the chair with her sitting on it. At this moment I realized, that I would need to touch my daughter's crotch with my grip, as the chair's seat was pretty small and as this was the only reasonable position to hold it from. But I obviously didn't want to touch her there, due to my OCD. And so instead of holding the chair normally, like anybody else would do, I tried to hold it very weirdly with my fingertips only, to avoid any touches. And while I tried to lift the chair very awkwardly, I almost let it slip and thus, my daughter's crotch was touching my palm. And all of this made it even more uncomfortable for me, as I also experienced groinal responses in this very moment she accidentally touched me. And as you can imagine, my anxiety spiked hard by this. So I had to put down the chair again and considered grabbing the chair's seat further up or further down, away from her crotch. But because of how dangerous it would be due to the imbalance, I rejected this idea very quickly. And in this very moment, while trying to find a better way, out of a sudden, I somehow had the urge to purposely grab the seat exactly between my daughter legs, which would mean, that I would have her crotch in my grip. Like I wanted to touch her there. A classical intrusive urge. And now, for whatever reason and I still don't understand how, I just went through and did so. Like without giving it a second thought. Impulsively, yet knowingly, what I'm doing. And the worst in all of this, that in this very moment I grabbed the seat there, I was hyperaware of everything, and it felt like, as if I've liked or was thrilled by it. I'm not sure if it was a sexual feeling, but I'm pretty sure that it felt like, as if I've liked it in this very moment. And while I was lifting the chair to the table, my daughter somehow pulled herself out from my grip as I've grabbed it relatively lightly. And for whatever reason, I didn't like that! But to make it even worse, her crotch was now touching my hand very slightly the whole time, while I was moving the chair to the table. And I again was hyperaware of that! It felt electrifying being aware of that. I felt as if again I wanted it, touch my hands. All of this happened in a matter of seconds. And I'm not sure if I did, but I might even have made micro movements with my hand towards her, because of the urge - I feel so disgusting by just typing this. Well, the moment I put the chair down, reality hit me: I was shocked by what just happened. What the hell did I just do? I tried to make sense of it. Tried to remember what exactly happened and was completely disgusted by myself. I couldn't grasp what happened, as it was completely out of character. I mean: Did I just sexually assaulted my beloved baby daughter? How on earth was I capable of doing so?! That's my biggest fear and for whatever reason I acted on an intrusive urge and not only that, but it felt as if I've liked it! I've never ever experienced something like that in my whole life and couldn't make any sense out of it. What the hell was that? While I was aware of intrusive sensations, feelings and urges, I always thought that people with OCD would never act on it, including myself. And until this day, I can't say to myself, that all of this was just an accident, intrusive thought or whatever, I would never act on. Because I did so. I disgustingly did so! It really felt like, as if I did do that out of a bad intention. What still "helps me" to move on with life is to know, that nobody else would have seen anything weird by that, as it's completely reasonable to hold the chair this way. The only reason I didn't grip the chair this way in the first place, was because of my OCD and my fears. Like, who cares what your intention were? Who cares what you felt in this very moment? It was the most reasonable way anyway. But the 'What Ifs' are killing me here: What If I slightly altered my movements because of the urges? What If I really made this micro movements? What If slightly gripped harder out of the intrusive urge? But I also know, that it was something out of a moment and nothing I planned out. Like impulsively and spontaneous. I just don't know what happened here. Really. Was it just biology? Does this happen to others as well? Is this just OCD? I mean, all of this happened in a matter of seconds. Like five to ten seconds maybe? But I can't let go of the fact, that I did it out of a bad intention! That's the difference between me and others! I've talked about this incident with several people, and all of them told me, that they wouldn't make a big deal out of that, as this is nothing I should worry about. But I'm not sure if they really understand me or what happened. Or maybe I don't understand them? I even showed several people what exactly happened and yeah, from the outward it's really something super innocent and normal, but I'm afraid that I might have altered my movements, and I'm extremely ashamed by my intentions and feelings when all of that happened. I'm disgusted that it felt like, as if I have gripped the chair there and thus her crotch out of a bad intention. And I've told them about that! Over and over! Yet, they still are like: "Dude, chill out. This could have happened to us as well. Just shrug it off already. Everything is alright. It's just human. Sometimes we have moments like that. They don't matter, because you didn't harm anyone, nor did you like it in the aftermath. And that's the only thing that it is important. Nobody would have made a big deal out of it. It's not like you did something very clearly bad. Is something extremely minor.". But how am I not able to see it that way?! Is my view of reality that distorted, that I make such a big deal out of that? Is it really that minor? I'm really not sure. And yes, I would love to be able to label it as OCD and move on, but if it feels wrong and false to do so. It's like the only thing holding me back from complete recovery. The worst of all, is that It happened like two years ago. I never ever focused on that during therapy, but more on beating the general obsession of touching others inappropriately. I did talk about this and another incident, I already posted on here once, but I never really understood them. I can't grasp how it's still just OCD. And while I got over it the one incident, I posted here before, I never got over this. Maybe because my daughter can't laugh it off, like my friend did? I feel like a hypocrite acting as a cool dad around my children. I feel like as if I'm an actually a monster, who don't deserve to have them. I see my daughter and just feel so much shame and pain. Right now, I hate my life. Can anyone bring me to my senses? Right now I feel completely devastated. What should I do?
  7. Hey, I had a very similar fear to yours when I started dating my first girlfriend. If your OCD latched onto that, and you are in this very anxiety-driven state, you should simply try to focus on other things - like Howard suggested. You should only take things seriously, if it is 100% clear, that there is something going on. And with that, you try not to give into all these "...but what if's" in your head - no matter how reasonable they seem to you in these moments. The only reason they do seem so, is because you have distorted perception of reality, where you interpret everything the worst possible way. Sadly, I wasn't diagnosed with OCD back then and thus, the only reason it went away, was because it got replaced with another theme I obsessed about. But once it got replaced my the other obsession, I also stopped doing any compulsions regarding my old obsession. With that, I wasn't on the lookout for any suspicious behavior regarding my wife, but instead was cringing about my old behavior, because of how ridiculous it seemed to me in the aftermath - and that's just because I started fixating on other things, then my wife possibly cheating on me. And that's the very same thing that will happen, once you stop giving it any attention.
  8. It's a very good series and I can recommend it as well!
  9. I'm not sure if you're trolling, but this is a very counter-productive statement to the OP here, as you seem to validate his fears. And no, me and a lot of other people wouldn't consider it as creepy. Hell, a lot of personal friends I know hooked up with older women at that age: Not even once did I considered anything like that even remotely weird or predatory. That's ridiculous, haha. Especially if it's just a one night fling. And most men are attracted to youthful women, and that's something super normal. And just because a 21 years old woman is lucky enough to look like 16, it doesn't mean that men being interested in her are "suspicious". What kind of conclusion is that? According to that logic, this woman in general isn't allowed to date or hook up with people, just because she looks too young - Never heard of something like that before, lol. I would even consider removing your post, due to how misleading this could be for others, especially given how many people here do in fact suffer from fears related to the OP.
  10. I've heard a thousand of stories with similar experiences like you. There are people who for example have the fear of being pedophiles and where, while masturbating, random intrusive thoughts pop out about children and where it felt for them like as if they liked the content of a couple of seconds or in some cases where it aroused them even stronger than normally. There was a guy, while having sex with his wife, somehow got the intrusive thoughts of having right now sex with a child, didn't stop and thus felt extremely guilty after a couple of seconds. Also, a lot of rape victims for example felt arousal or orgasms while they were taken advantage off. Does it mean they really liked it, or that they cheated on their SO's? Obviously not. It's just a primitive reaction of our brain to something sexual. It's something we can't really control. Especially, taboos can trigger a strong reaction in us. Why is that? Pretty simple: Anxiety and arousal are triggered by the same nerves down there. The term for that is groinal response. And it can feel good, because feelings down there always feel good. So anxiety and arousal go hand by hand, and thus we can easily confuse the one for the other. Sometimes they feel much more powerful than non-anxiety induced arousal. And you know what? You can't control it, and it happens to a LOT OF people. With that in mind: Stop being so hard on yourself. I think a good way to determine whether you TRULY like the thoughts or not is if you like them in the AFTERMATH of having them. Being so judgmental towards yourself because you "engaged with the thought" for a short period of time, is something a drama queen would do. I mean, that's literally the most normal thing in the world. I always do that: I killed thousands of people with several nukes while daydreaming, and it was fun to imagine war scenarios where I'm something like the commander of some tyrant nation who has the power to do so. Sometimes I even ask myself how the world would have ended up, if Hitler had won the war. And then, for whatever reason, I feel some kind of sadness that I'll never be able to experience a world with an outcome like that. Does it mean that I would nuke people in real life? Does it mean I'll become Hitler II. if I would have the chance? That's a ******** conclusion, isn't it? It's just so completely irrational. I don't need to know why I felt this kind of sadness that I'll never be able to experience a Germany controlled Europe. I also don't need to know why it was fun to imagine nuking whole nations and with that people, children and animals. All I need to know, is that I don't like the idea in general. I really don't care whether I felt this or that during a short period of time while I was having random thoughts and ideas. Now what is happening to you: You are obsessed with the topic and thus extremely distressed by all the OCD related 'What Ifs' that pop up, whenever you experience these kinds of thoughts. It's pretty obvious that your OCD has a lot of power over you and thus is able of confusing you with all it's 'What Ifs'. And this is just classical OCD. So, in conclusion: You'll experience weird feelings or weird thoughts throughout your life about ANY topic. But thoughts are just thoughts. Nothing else. But because you are obsessed with this one, you can't see that and instead keep letting your OCD feed you with its intrusive thoughts, by engaging with the intrusive thoughts, i.e. by doing all kind of compulsions. So stop doing compulsions and your obsession will fade away and in the end, you see things for what they are won't be so hard towards yourself because you experienced random sensations, feelings, ideas and thoughts.
  11. Great to hear that I could give you some insights here. I think trying to reduce your anxiety by saying to yourself these kinds of statements over and over again, could become a compulsion in itself. And that's something you don't want to do, as this is the reason, your brain brings these memories up over and over, because of all the attention it gets from you. So it's not a good idea to try reasoning with it, whenever you feel your OCD flaring up again. Nope. Yeah, sometimes it really helps people to get over something very quickly, but sometimes, like in your case, it doesn't. You seem stuck. So what should you? All you should do from now on is not giving the intrusive memories, once they randomly pop up again, any kind of importance by any kind of attention anymore. Instead, you should start trying to fully ignore them - no matter how hard they hit on you. You let them go. Saying to yourself some mantra over and over won't help, and in fact strengthens your OCD. Compulsions are bad, no matter in what forms you carry them on.
  12. I agree. @gloomwood should just say to his therapist, that he suffers by anxiety from intrusive, distressing thoughts and that he does mental compulsions like ruminating, resassurance-seeking, testing, etc., which helps him to get relief for some time. This should give his therapist the idea, that he suffers OCD, and thus diagnose him accordingly. But using terms like "HOCD", "Pure O" and so on might bring unnecessarily confusion, as these terms are relatively new and more or less an internet-phenomena.
  13. Whether we name it ROCD, HOCD, TOCD, POCD, LOCD, Pure OCD, etc. doesn't really matter. It's just OCD in the end. And yeah, I've seen so many attempts of people to categorize their OCD themes by a different name, that I can't even catch up anymore. And I think it might be contra productive for recovery, if we're continuing doing that. I think the core issue with that, is that by categorizing OCD themes accordingly to the intrusive thoughts the sufferer experiences, we already focused way too much on the content of the thoughts itself and also gave the thoughts some kind of importance → Thus we gave some meaningless, intrusive thoughts a meaning, which is the very core problem of OCD in itself. Focusing on the theme and thoughts, rather on OCD as a condition itself, is part of why people have troubles overcoming it. It's just OCD. The content of the thoughts don't matter. What matters is that we change our thought pattern regarding intrusive thoughts.
  14. Cora, I swear there can't be any more explanations, we could give to you. There are HUNDREDS of explanations, and it seems to me like, as if you STILL don't understand OCD at all. I tried to give you so many examples, even from my own suffering, but instead of taking the essence out of my posts, which is basically "Oh, seems like as if I'm interpreting everything just the worst possible way. I have to change that.", you keep bringing up new stuff, which are supposedly "evident", that you're a bad human being. For me, it is 100% clear that your very core problem is, that your interpretations of your intrusive thoughts are completely off. You actually take OCD's falsely interpreted perception of things as truth, which is then why you keep asking for reassurance, instead of dismissing every new intrusive thought you experience as OCD. And because intrusive thoughts do come in a thousand shapes and because we can't give you the one explanation, that explains every possible intrusive thought in the world with one post, you keep posting about your newest variation of intrusive thoughts and how they make you bad and so on. It's really tragic. I didn't even know about the obsessive thinking stuff @Saffron37 just wrote about. I also didn't know that the anxiety and stress response is the exact same as excitement, which is why we are so often confused about our thoughts and whether we actually liked them or not. Good to know. But I guess it's just another explanation which you can't accept for yourself, because of how strong OCD's doubting game is on you. I agree, with everybody else here, that you should bring this up in your next therapy session. This might be crucial for your recovery.
  15. Why can't you take the leap of faith and at least label it as OCD, even if you have trouble accepting it. I mean, you could try at least.
  16. Maybe you should start answering the question with yes and dismiss all the "What If's" in your head? At some point you need to see how OCD works and not give into all the doubts, you do in fact feed, by asking for reassurance here.
  17. Calm down. Everyone who experienced something due to OCD, seems to forget, that it is still OCD. I had similar episodes, where it felt like, as if I acted willingly on an intrusive thought for a brief moment and just came into realization after the very moment itself - I hated myself for that. That was much worse than all the checking compulsions I did before - and I felt horrible about them as well, like you do. And suddenly the guilt about doing these checking/testing compulsions completely fade away. So you have to deal with something "much easier" than I do. And trust me: OCD will give you worse and worse guilty "incidents", as long as you keep feeding it by ruminating over it. Stop it. You know what's the trick? To see that, before something "more horrible" happens: no matter how "EVIL" something seems for the sufferer regarding his thoughts/actions, it isn't. Your OCD lets you see things as something much worse, than they truly are. I think it's quite normal that people want to have clarity whether their fear is true or not, so I wouldn't feel bad about that at all, especially because all these checking moments are always completely trivial, nobody else would even care about. Obviously, you should stop doing the checking compulsions, because it just feeds into your OCD. But feeling guilty about them? Nope. Stop listening to the liar in your head and start practicing self-compassion.
  18. Okay, I understand that. What you need to do is to take the leap of faith here - there is nothing else you can do. You NEED to see that it is just OCD. I think the first step to actually "believe" that, is getting an official diagnosis → Do you have any?
  19. It's extremely hard, I know. I just want to share a big huge to everyone struggles here right now, as I know how tough all of this is and how proud I'm that each one of you keep going! Yeah, to resist these compulsions is the biggest problem, especially ruminating about it, but I think being on this forum and sharing the experience with others, who have the very same fears and problems as you, is always encouraging to keep it going with not doing any compulsions - especially when there are people who got so much better in the end. I think there isn't any better motivation than to see, how all of this could end, if we just keep going and going
  20. I think this is EXACTLY how it goes for everyone with OCD - thanks for this extremely helpful explanation! It's not like we are immediately having some kind of fear out of nothing, but as you said, because of our faulty thought process, we apply false logical conclusions to truthy statements and thus, we from one to the other moment convince ourselves of the worst possible outcomes. Over and over again. I'm not sure why we do that, but I guess it has something to do with our issues regarding uncertainty: We can't say, for sure, that something isn't the case and that we are in fact this or that, so that's why we take the worst interpretation into consideration. And then we chain another thought on top of that, making the next worst possible conclusion, which then just makes it even worse for us. It's like "always going the safest" aka "always take the worst outcome", because in that case, we don't have to deal with uncertainty → It's the worst outcome anyway, so it doesn't matter if we know it for sure or not. And that's something we need to stop. I think I might never ever see a better example regarding OCD, than this, because, and I swear by god, this is exactly how it went for me. It wasn't like an immediate process, but it went like that the more I ruminated about certain stuff, I convinced myself more and more of horrendous stuff about myself and as a person. And here and then I was like: "I wished that I stopped ruminating here, because back then, before I convinced myself of that, this was so much easier to handle. How was I so stupid to still feel the need to ruminate? Why did I not stop it there?". And I think that with each "conclusion" I made - which obviously was always the worst - I also made my intrusive thoughts worse. It went from super simple to dealt with, to super hard to deal with. And I also remember this sudden spike of anxiety, when I got aware of an "even worse possibility", because this just dragged me deeper into the rumination hell, where I lost even more self-confidence. I think I re-traumatised myself over and over again, by not stopping this stupid behavior and by chaining worrisome thoughts on thoughts. It's like as if I set lower standards about myself each time: From the fear of accidentally being inappropriate to others → To the fear of actually liking it → To the fear of actually wanting it → To the fear of actually doing it on purpose → To the fear of being a psychopath/sociopath. It's as if our brain wants us to feel like trash. Our brains make our lives like hell. I don't wish this experience to anyone. And the best way to stop all of this is just to stop thinking about these intrusive thoughts, by not giving them any meaning. Let them rot where they came from. Slowly, but surely their grip on us will fade away, and we'll see things, for how they actually are.
  21. I had the very same theme as you, and I remember that I tried to help you multiple times. Can you tell me why it is so hard for you to accept, that this is all OCD and nothing else? Are you ALSO aware that OCD causes these kinds of thoughts and that you just need to stop your compulsions, to get rid of them, aka that you need to "re-train" your brain to not associate any other person as somebody you could do something inappropriate to? And that all of this is STILL OCD?
  22. I understand very well how hard it is to actually distinguish between correct worries and OCD induced false worries or interpretations of things. What helped me was, basically trying to understand, how others would feel about it, if that had happened to them - Would they worry the same as I do? What would I think about them, if that happened to them? Very often one can actually see how something is not a big deal in itself, but because people with OCD do have a very self-judgmental moral compass, they do judge themselves like as if they did some horrendous crime. Let's take an example: You were sweating on the newspapers → You are disgusting. Angelina Jolie was sweating on the newspapers → She is disgusting. Do you agree with both statements? I don't think so. Because very often people with OCD only agree with the first statement, while they don't agree with the second one - and that's because their self-image is somehow very bad. People with OCD also somehow seem to have erased self-compassion. At the same time, though, they are very forgiving towards others. And therein lies the problem and irrationality. Applying two different standards doesn't make any sense. To correct that, you need to identify WHY you are so hard towards yourself and then try to erase these faulty misconceptions about yourself. A therapist might be the best to seek out for, because this took me quite some time to actually find out.
  23. I think it's quite lovely to hear, that love makes you stop doing compulsions - as long as you stop them, you'll automatically regain control of your life. I would say you're fine and there is no need to worry about what the motives of stopping compulsions are
  24. You're making a big deal out of nothing. I think it might help to identify your thought process and by that, understand how it's so faulty. Usually people with intrusive thought take something, put a meaning on it and then draw conclusions from that. Like this: Random moment/thought/situation → Giving it a meaning → Drawing conclusions from that Now if we would take your situation into consideration, this would look like this: "I was sweating on the newspapers" → "This is is disgusting" → "This makes me therefore a disgusting person." Maybe you should try to re-evaluate the meaning of sweating on newspapers? How about: "I was sweating on the newspapers" → "It's meaningless" → "There is no more to it" You just need to question your very thought process in itself and by that understand, how you actually blow up meaningless stuff into something big.
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