Belina

Hello @MarieJo, thank you for your kind words. I am trying so hard to avoid all my compulsions and just ignore those thoughts. It is just that feeling that I am risking someone's life by not carrying my compulsions or washing rituals that really hurts. I just do not want anyone to die and I do not know why do I have such a horrible thoughts that are strictly against of what I really want. It scares me and as soon as I get such a thought I feel so helpless, I panic over it and trying to get rid of it but the feeling is getting worse and worse. As soon as I get such a thought I have learned to touch as many objects as possible to show OCD that I will not be doing the things the OCD tells me to do. Most of the time I remind myself that I am risking other's lives by carrying compulsions and not by ignoring those thoughts and by not performing all those washing rituals. But some thoughts (like this one) always gets me and suddenly I do not know how to deal with them. I just do not want anyone to die.

Hello @Saffron37, I probably know what you are trying to tell me. It is just so hard. I am so scared of those words 'please' and 'finally', it hurts so much. And then those my rituals..I gave up on them like two months ago but since then my obsessive thoughts are more frequent and much worse in content. I am trying hard not to wash or clean anything because rationally I know it has no point but when it comes to my feelings I feel like I am risking someone else's life.

Hi @Saffron37, thank you for your reply. It is hard for me to decide right now what is right and what is not. I do no want to risk anyone's life. I am so scared. I haven't done nothing by now but the anxiety is still so high.

Hello, I am really suffering right now. Out of nowhere I got this thought towards my son again 'please die finally'. It hurts me so much. I do not want anyone to die. I do not know what to do. My head is telling me to wash my hands and clean everything I touched otherwise those thoughts will come true. And my therapist is telling me not to wash anything. I do not want to risk anyone's life. Please help me someone. Is there anyone else who had similar OCD issues?

Hello David, thank you for all those kind words and help as always. I made myself to try hard and realize that all those thoughts are not mine. Whether they just pop up, whether I say them loudly, whether I think about them on purpose (in terms of ERP) they are not mine. And also I had to realize that washing and cleaning everything really doesn't help to neutralize the thought or prevent that from happening. In fact, all those compulsions do the opposite. I have lost all contacts, nobody wants to talk to me, everybody is angry because I was not listening and did all those compulsions again and again. I have decided to challenge my OCD. As soon as I get one of those horrible thoughts, instead of washing my hands and cleaning everything I challenge myself that if I will not react to the given thought then nothing from those thoughts will come true. It is very hard but I can see some improvements. I do not know whether also this is some sort of compulsion but it works. You wrote books? What about? I think this is great! I have decided to illustrate and wrote a book for children. It is supposed to be for my baby boy. You are a great person and I am lucky to meet people like you here. Thank you so much.

Anyway big THANK YOU to all of your for your help. I appreciate that so much. I think it is time to go for me. I have to simply give up on everything

Thank you David @Dakagraphics-David for your kind words. I cannot even imagine to suffer so many years. That is crazy I just have a very hard time regarding OCD. I was fine almost one week during our holiday and on our way back home booom. Currently I am not doing anything else just thinking about ending this hell in my head. I was thinking about the best possible ways how to commit suicide. I just feel hopeless. I am not able to accept thoughts like '(name of my son or anybody else) please die finally'. This one particular thought is killing me. I am not even thinking about that thought, all I do is that I am thinking what I have to clean and wash to neutralize that thought and prevent it from happening. I feel exhausted and literally want to give up on my life. It has no point to live like this. Now I know how you really felt before And I feel so sorry for that.

Yes, those feelings are the worse. They feel so real. I think that is the point of OCD, that is why we suffer so much, we are not able to ignore those feelings ?

See @Dakagraphics-David? I knew you'll be laughing at me for that. But it is hell for me ?

Hello @olb, I know that it is very hard. I know it very well. While dealing with my thoughts before I found out another trick that worked for me: I imagined my son coming to me and telling me that he has very disturbing thoughts that bother him a lot and he doesn't know how to deal with them. I imagined myself at this kind of situation and I can say that I certainly haven't advised him to go and wash his hands to neutralize his thoughts. I advised him to not bother about it, that it is just a silly thought and it has no power over physical world. Weird, isn't it? I was very honest with my son but now I am stuck with myself and I am not able to follow my own advice. Try to do the same, maybe this could work at least for you

That is all so true @Dakagraphics-David although I have never been thinking about it this way. It is great to read other's opinions as it makes me think about things from different point of view. And also it pretty occupies my mind The thing is (and you'll be probably laughing at me right now) that I am not washing my hands because of germs. I know it sounds crazy but I wash my hands because of my thoughts. For example I get a thought about my baby son 'please die finally' and it scares me so much that I have to wash my hands immediately to neutralize it. I also have to wash or clean everything I touched the very same time I had that thought. But also that is not enough because what if a water drop fall down on the floor while washing my hands? So I have to clean the floor within the whole flat. And I do all of this just to neutralize the thought or prevent that from happening.

Oh, I cannot agree more @Dakagraphics-David I've just had another relapse and have to sit with anxiety ? my husband doesn't allow me to even wash my hands. Nothing. I am scared as never before. It is sooo hard.

Hello @Dakagraphics-David, thank you sooo much for your story. I almost cried to be honest. You are absolutely right. I have read several times that OCD people are in fact very good people and would never act on their thoughts or they would never want their obsessive thoughts become real. That is why we usually bother about those thoughts so much. But in fact the more we try to neutralize those thoughts the worse the OCD gets. I used to worry a lot about AIDS or wars and it stoped as soon as I stoped giving those thoughts any credit or meaning. Since then I can talk about these topics, I can read about them and I do not feel any urge to wash my hands or to do something to neutralize it.

Hello @olb, I have read your story about the company car so I now understand your OCD theme. I think I can relate to that little bit. I used to work for a company that was really good and succesfull however the management wasn't that good and it was a pain to go to that work every single morning. I literraly started to hate that job. I also couldn't touch anything from there and when I was asked to work from home I almost cried because I didn't want to 'contaminate' anything at my home from that work. At that time I have decided to change a job and that was the best decision ever. Shortly I forgot everything about my previous job. I unattached myself from them. Today I can use their goods without any feelings or emotions. It took some time of course but I simply didn't think about them anymore and it helped. Also I had this everytime I was buying something and during it I had a bad thought. I haven't even paid for the thing and I already hated it because those thoughts were immediately attached to that thing. But those feelings somehow faded over some time. Emotions are very tricky. I think you should find some good things about the goods you were transporting with that car, for example the carpet - how nice is the room now when it is there, how usefull it is, how warm you can feel there. Although I know how hard it is but maybe this is the way how to reprogramme our OCD brains and record brand new feelings and emotions related to some objects.

Hello @olb, my thoughts are pretty much the same all the time. I usually got like thousands obsessive thoughts a day and sometimes I spent all day long in a bathroom cleaning everything. Nowadays I can handle my thoughts very well except the one thought I mentioned in one of my previous comments. How do they attach to the objects? Hmm, well, you'll be probably laughing at me how stupid I am but here it is: when I get my obsessive thoughts I have to wash my hands immediately and I have to be very carefull so no water drop fall down on the floor while washing my hands. If so, I have to clean the floor within the whole flat. And not just once ? In case I am holding something while having my obsessive thoughts I have to clean the object as well. Sometimes it is very difficult because my husband is touching my hands on purpose while I am having obsessive thoughts and then he is touching absolutely everything without washing his hands. My anxiety is sooo high then and he is making me to sit with the anxiety and not allowing me to do some of my compulsions. In case of this one thought this is literally killing me. What are your thoughts?