DRS1

So what are you going to do about it? No matter if you think it is or isn't OCD at this point, your experiencing the exact same things right now. If you are genuinely concerned about persistent genital arousal disorder, go see a doctor. Yu are saying it's any thought or image but I thought you said before in this very thread that anything with women doesn't cause arousal anymore? If anyone hyper focused on their genitals as much as you do we would experience the same similar sensations. It's a very sensitive area. Have you heard back from the therapist you emailed?

You keep saying that you must now definitely be gay but even for someone that's arguing they are in denial of it, you seem to have an awful lot of doubt over whether you are or are not gay.

Trigger Core Belief/Anxiety Compulsion Core Beliefs/Castrophizing I'm a very black and white person but the only person casting any judgement on your actions is you. You only even considered confessing because he brought up the fact someone else mentioned it. Did you even think about it before that point? Have you felt like confessing before that or was the urge to do so only really there because of the trigger of it. We cannot possible answer this. This would give you reassurance, which is currently what you are seeking. Here's the facts. You "cheated" by flirting and you regret it. You have continued to punish yourself since then every time you get a thought about it - this is not helpful regardless of whether or not you have OCD or not. There's nothing you can do to go back on this and that's not the issue here. Also can we clear up the idea of the word "normal". There is not a standard for normal for humans. No one's abnormal if they dye their hair green for example. Still a human... There's no reason why you can't come and post here, especially if you need support. I think to some extent at least no one who is doing better than they used to that has OCD wants to go back to its worst but technically you can't. You've learned things to actually combat it, doesn't matter if it feels just as bad, you actually have resources to get yourself out now.. Who does confessing really benefit here? You or your partner?

So what's happening right now is you are spiralling a bit there and now are doubting you even have OCD and yet that's exactly something OCD would do. Even after you are in recovery from OCD, it will through this last ditch attempt by trying to get you to do compulsions under the premise of needing to do therapy correctly (aka get rid of OCD correctly) I want to try and avoid giving you reassurance here in case it becomes a compulsion but I'll say this all once. You can shrug it off by taking the risk that it might not be OCD. I know that sounds backwards but there is this idea of accepting the worst outcome and being able to understand if that happens you will need to deal with it at the time. At some point you need to take that risk if you want to get better because if it is OCD, then not taking that risk means never getting better. You are believing one of OCDs mind games currently, the idea that your OCD is different to everyone else's and therefore you must not have OCD because you can't find something that exactly matches what you experience. Wrong! Whilst this is something OCD will try to do, it's important to understand whilst OCD intrusive thoughts or images content may be different for everyone, there is always a commonality with rough "topics" or "themes" e.g. when HIV was a prevalent issue in the news it became more prevalent of a theme in people with OCD. Same goes for COVID. I can give you an example or two that cover the same ground as what you are dealing with. Intrusive thoughts where you feel you may have hit someone with your car and drove off. Someone that has that thought may compulsively ruminate or drive around the area where they thought it had happened only to find nothing. Secondly, where there may have been sexual intimacy with two people and despite the fact it was both consensual at the time, OCD may throw a doubt in there e.g. what if they didn't want to do that and this ended up being sexual assault. Note what the core fears are here for both. Doing something the person considers wrong and illegal but also what's the worst that would happen? In the first they'd probably go to jail and in the second they could go to jail, end up on the sex offenders register or both. I think you are misunderstanding intrusive thoughts and triggers. The world is a trigger for them. Sure they can just randomly pop in, but it could also be because of for example watching the news and seeing a negative headline, being around certain people or engaged in certain activities. It still comes out of nowhere or rather putting it differently, you experience an unwanted thought. I don't think you really believe that last part of your post. You wouldn't be on this forum if you really did. You may have the doubts that you might not have OCD but there's obviously been enough to give you an idea that this is what you are dealing with.

I don't know that you should never have seen your therapist. I understand you are terrified, that's completely understandable. You've just unloaded the scariest things you experience in your head to someone else that isn't another online anonymous person. When you put it like that it sounds daunting, but... I was in the same position as you. I was terrified to tell someone about my thoughts (and if you get someone who isn't a therapist or otherwise trained on OCD then they may not understand it,which doesn't sound like you have someone like that which is good). It was everything. Sexual images of sex acts involving family members. Images of genitals, stabbing myself or other people if I went into the kitchen with a knife. Pushing people down the stairs (almost hilariously common it seems), whether semen was somewhere in the bathroom and somehow someone would touch it and get pregnant, that my next door neighbour was going to sexually assault me whilst I was in the shower, that I was somehow just going to go into the living room and choke out my family for literally no reason. The list goes on and on. I told them everything. They did not bat one eyelid. They deadpanned it all. They may not have heard of every single thought/image I had listed before but they did understand OCD. I do not regret telling them. I don't think there's enough open discussion outside of a medical setting on the realities of intrusions content which probably is furthering the stigma around it but OCD-UK and a few other organizations are trying to turn that round. It's okay to feel scared but also try to give yourself a bit of hope. You've just taken the risk. The risk that it can get better. The risk that it might not be OCD but if it is, you want to get better. That is one of the best decisions you could have ever made for your mental health. Congratulations

How so?

Or you are just continuing to catastrophize the whole thing in the hope that you will be told you are 100% definitely not gay. If you already know what they will try and do or not do, why haven't you managed to work this out for yourself then by this point? Clearly all the catastrophizing here isn't working and the doubt over your sexuality isn't going to go away for as long as you keep doing the things you are doing. If you don't want to get better then don't go to therapy. If you want to take the risk that you could be gay and it might not be OCD, go to therapy. If you take that risk, you may find out that you have lived for so long without help for a condition that had nothing to do with your sexual preferences but actually used your sexuality and the fact that it's part of your identity to cause this the whole time. I'd say take the risk. Someone telling you that you are gay at this point won't change anything. It won't stop you doing the same things you are doing now. However if you find out the whole lot of this is OCD, by not going to therapy, you will be in the same position. On the other hand if you go and it is OCD, then you can get a whole lot better than you are right now.

So there's a bit of an issue here. The entire post is asking for compulsive reassurance so no matter the answer we give it might be okay for a bit and then you'll come back to this. Secondly, the main issue here is you can't remember so you are now trying to get a definitive answer. You can't get that definitive answer. No one is in your head able to experience that in that moment. Equally, all you are doing by trying to figure it out is make it worse. The problem has nothing to do with how the thought or image got there, it has everything to do with how you want to react to that worry

This is reddit we are talking about. Assuming that everything everyone says on that platform is somehow the truth is maybe not the best idea. You could have the strongest erection to seeing men and I still wouldn't be convinced that you are gay. However you are in the complete opposite world from that. I can't say anything that we haven't already said now. The porn isn't going to help you, if anything it just sounds like it's making you anxious as part of your checking compulsion. It's kind of like you are doing this: "No, I need to make sure I only get aroused to women" after being triggered by seeing men. You watch porn and try to get aroused in the most anxious way possible and nothing happens. What you want to happen is not happening because you are that anxious So then you believe that as proof that you are gay... Until the next time you get the trigger and you try the exact same steps again hoping for a different result... But it never changes. What this really comes down to is being able to accept that you don't have control over arousal and the more you try to fight erections and focusing on them, the more they will stay. The more anxious you get when they don't appear to what you want, the less they will show up. Next time it happens, find a comfortable place to be and just sit there with it. Allow it to do what it's going to do. Put yourself away from your phone/computer. Just let yourself feel the sensation. Don't try to get rid of it. It will go away on its own but it's important you be present with it. You need to realize that you can cope with it and not have to try and annihilate any kind of response you don't like.

This is it Cora. No more needs to be said on this than what @malina has said.

If you rephrase that question and take out the words weird and creepy, do you need to have solutions to every feeling, thought, image you ever have. Do you always need to have answers? This is something I've been having a bit of a blip with at the moment myself. I've had a spike of a few old intrusive thoughts/images that you could call "real event". Initially I did the wrong thing. I reacted, ruminated and brought myself down so low I genuinely thought that was it, my life was over it was worthless... But... My life isn't worthless and not only that but I realized I've been down this exact same path before, just as you have @Cora with all the same kinds of intrusions you have. The fundamental difference is that I've chosen to break the cycle because I already know this out of despair and compulsions isn't making anything better. It's horrible yes but I can do ERP, I can change how I respond. Its not about just living with these thoughts and feelings, it's also about doing what you do want to do... Whilst importantly recognizing that the reason why they stick around is because of your reaction. So if you cut out the reaction each time then the more you will be able to live. From your logic with the hole I dropped myself into in the last week, I shouldn't even deserve to be here right now based on shambolic nonsense of my own head. We need to be able to live. We suffer enough so we should choose to live our lives not be suffocated by OCD

I don't see the point you are trying to make here. @taurean isn't suggesting "Pure O" is a separate form of OCD. In fact, if anything he has clarified that we support everything here because it is all OCD, regardless of what people might want to call it. As for the "Pure O" aspect, OCD-UK in the most recent edition of the OCD Magazine for OCD-UK Members has sections talking more in depth about "Pure O" when referring to taboo themes as well as going over "subtype" names e.g. HOCD, SOOCD, ROCD etc. and what they actually mean, not that they are entirely helpful.

You could have all the evidence in the world and it wouldn't be enough. OCD will never ever accept it

Yes Exposure and Response Prevention. You need to challenge OCD here instead of responding with your compulsions

The forum covers OCD. Doesn't matter the "theme", the kinds of intrusions or the compulsions. We all have a variety of experience of different things on here

^ This is the difference Cora. This is the difference. The person who did what they did to my family did it with the intention to make our lives hell. They didn't say it because they were just annoyed at us for something (although we never did anything), they wanted to "be the neighbour from hell" but by all means go ahead and take saying stuff you don't mean to your family that they know you don't mean as the sign that you are the root of all evil.

You are so close to getting it! The answer to this whole thing is literally in that sentence that you just said and one of the earlier replies you may to my question. You have all the pieces of the puzzle here now, so what do you want to do with it? Here's what you have currently: The feelings are distressing and feel real and you want them to stop You are trying to confess to make the anxiety and uncertainty less overwhelming You don't want to be gay because then you'd be someone who you don't identify as because you identify as heterosexual I'll just jump the gun and spell it out for you: The feelings are distressing and feel real and you want them to stop - The reason you feel the need to confess because you don't want it to be real You are trying to confess to make the anxiety and uncertainty less overwhelming - the compulsion You don't want to be gay because then you'd be someone who you don't identify as because you identify as heterosexual - the obsession Forget the rest for a second, let me take the details away from you. Forget the following for a moment: All the testing to porn, women, men, all of that All the focusing on arousal and all the issues around that And literally everything outside what I've just said above The most fundamental part of this is obsession, anxiety/uncertainty and needing to resolve it in some way and compulsion. Then the more you do the compulsion, the more you have the intrusions (obsessions) and then the more anxiety you have so then you do the compulsion again. Then you do this whole process over again... and again... and again... forever. You can't take away the obsessions, sorry it's just not human to be able to do that. You can't do anything about the anxiety/uncertainty and you actually have proof. Look at how many times you've tried to convince yourself that you are not gay only to try to convince yourself you are gay. Has any of that ever worked or has it only fuelled the doubt and uncertainty over it? Your compulsions don't work, well they do, but not the way you want them to. They make you get stuck in this loop that you've been in for years. You cut that out and start being able to see things a bit clearer without OCD tinted glasses. I don't think your problem always is being worried that you may be gay sometimes, I think the problem is you don't know because it could be possible. Just like it's possible for you to be straight and just be in the same uncertainty. Uncertainty is going to be there, you cannot get rid of it. I know it sucks but what can you do? I do not mean to come across as really harsh but only really blunt. I don't think you will understand it, acknowledge it and definitely not try to take it on board but I'm trying my hardest as someone with OCD to try and help

" I was feeling upset (and probably still am) with my bestfriend because she wouldn't share something on social media, something serious and vital. I understand now how that is probably a stupid and childish reason to be upset with someone. I was already on my social media when I made that mistake. I was feeling upset and furious with her and decided to click on her profile, thinking that I would have some bad thoughts, deliberately, about her as a revenge (yes, evil!). When I was on her page and looking at her pictures, I started having thoughts about her physical appearance and that she deserves all the bad things that have happened to her. I don't (and can't) remember if those thoughts were unwanted, but given the circumstances it happened they most probably weren't. " Okay Cora, so you don't like her for this reason... and? Well, then you have doubt over whether or not you wanted the thoughts or not but because you were upset with her you have made the presumption you did. Are you certain? How certain, 100%? " As soon as that happened, I had one of those moments where I wished with all my heart for it to be a nightmare, one of those from which you struggle to wake up but do no matter what. But of course that wasn't true. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I should have not clicked on her page if I felt upset. I should have gotten up from my bed and moved around until it went away; or should have kept myself busy with my chores which always helps me in calming down after this type of moments. But I chose to be evil instead. Of course I don't think she deserves all those bad things or think she's unattractive. But in that moment it felt so true and it felt like it was coming from the real me, hiding deep, deep down. I know this is really dramatic, especially with what's happening in the world at the moment, but I honestly make it so difficult for myself to want to be alive. " I can describe evil to you, I know someone who tortured my family for 35 years up until this year. So if you really want to go down this path of thinking your evil consider just the following: Have you been calling children horrible names (literally would have to be censored on the forum they are that bad) since they were born and memorable to them as young as 4 years old? Have you terrified them to the point where they cannot look at you, where they actively live in fear of you? Have you, I don't know, threatened their family in some way with violence? As open as I am on this forum, there is a whole lot more stuff buried in my head that I don't talk about that has contributed to OCD being an issue at all. I'll stop at that for so many reasons none least because I'm not sure where else to go from here on that and I don't think any further explanation is relevant to your post. This is what frustrates me with you. You need to take back control in your own head and stop letting OCD walk all over you and at times so do I when I struggle. Sit down and try and write it out when you aren't so caught up in it. Give yourself some breathing space to look at it objectively not in the middle of OCD harassing you. That's when I find I can look at what the approach needs to be the next time it comes up. You have a choice here

Do you not see the confessing as a compulsion here?

What purpose does confessing this on the forum serve you at this point. What are you looking for?

Why would you need to break up with your boyfriend? Ami missing something here? How does that help you do things you want to do?

That's a really unhelpful way of looking at it. If that's the case that we can't have sexual intrusive thoughts that are perhaps not reflective of our sexual orientation and do compulsions around that and that being OCD then I guess the same applies to the following: People who fear they have hit someone and drove away have to be people that would do it and maybe have done it then People who have harm intrusive thoughts will commit serious violent crimes People who have sexual intrusive thoughts and images about family members are incestuous perverted excuses for human beings People who have the fear that they will contaminate someone or will be contaminated will end up with any disease they fear and anyone they fear something happening to will happen I'm just using your logic here @Eric Dave, nothing else. If your logic is right, none of us have OCD. In fact, most of us would be very seriously messed up individuals. You say you are a no BS kind of person so which is it? Either the things I've bullet pointed here are false and what you have written about "hocd" or "soocd" being a made up term to allow people who are (sorry for the way I've phrased this) "in the closet" but are in denial but really are a different sexual orientation. I'm sorry but this is black and white. There's no point going over the fact with you that people experience what is termed arousal non-concordance when they are being sexually assaulted because you simply will dismiss it and say that for you it's different despite the fact that's not how the human body works. You want to keep reading articles just to check "maybe this time I can confirm I'm not gay" and then see just one sentence, maybe 3 words that then gives you "confirmation" that nope it's true, it has to be. I'm sad for you that you've had to deal with this so long that you aren't willing to even consider that there is evidence for it not being true as well.

Cora if there's one thing I've learned, there is no such thing as normal. Just doesn't exist. Why regret you are alive? Just because of OCD. OCD shouldn't be allowed to make any of us feel that way. @malina is right, you are trying and that's more than what you were doing before because you were too afraid to try. It's okay to have ups and downs with it. Don't try to get it perfect. I don't feel "normal" either. I felt and was even called an Alien throughout my entire life so far, and yet I'm just me. A person with Epilepsy. A person with OCD. An autistic person. I get it's hard but even just less than an hour ago something @snowbear and was also in the new OCD-UK magazine helped a lot during a trigger where I have been for all intensive purposes doing a compulsion around it but this time I noticed it. I don't have to try and do ERP for it right now, just being able to notice "Oh, that's the compulsion there, okay". From there I can then choose how and when I want to tackle that. Do things sometimes suck? Sure. There are days where I feel like hitting my head against the wall, no one said it'd be easy. OCD is a menace!

Let's try this again. That "messed up" dream. What did that mean?

See this where you really have some lack of understanding. The amount of weird messed up dreams that a lot of us have had if they were reflective of who we are, none of us would be the people we think we are. So is that the case @Eric Dave? As for the wet dream aspect, you are telling me you've never had a wet dream where the dream content wasn't exactly what you'd want? I'd find that really hard to believe. Even if you haven't, plenty of us have. It's not exactly the nicest experience but it is part of being a human male. You can't do anything to change that. Right now all you are employing is the attitude of confirmation bias and to be honest at this point I'm wondering if you are maybe unwilling to accept that you might not be gay as there is so much uncertainty and anxiety around it for you. The part you seem to be forgetting is sometimes our bodies don't react in accordance to our sexuality or what we may value as our identities. You've got to remember that part of your brain is a bit simpler than you think it is. It's never going to care about what tells it to start the arousal process. Wet dreams are not different. You have limited control over these. There are things you can do to reduce their frequency sure, but what's so bad about experiencing it and having a dream that accompanies it that just don't make sense. Let's take an example. If you had a wet dream and the dream content was I don't know a basketball bouncing off the ground and as it did each time it got higher and higher and then you ejaculated in your sleep. What would you take from that? because all your dreams and thoughts and sensations and images all have to mean something right? So what would that mean?