Tamagochi

You got some gay dreams or gay nightmares?, because I guess that if you woke up from them anxious and depressed…they can be qualified like gay nightmares more than gay dreams… You are getting dreams or nightmares because it is your obsession subject now, your brain is focus on this…100% normal to dream with whatever our heads are occupied with, as you perfectly know. ”You thought you were going to get wet from them”. This is what you THOUGHT but reality is that you did not get wet from them but got anxious and depressed. Let’s try to get objective and not subjectively catastrophic. And you think that all these things are happening to you because at 40 you have turned gay due to your testosterone decline… I did not know that testosterone levels are related with sexual orientation…I think you should write a book about it and get some testosterone exogenous to recover your straightness… Ok, you are gay… then you are cooler than any bored straight, nowdays in our society and times is even better to be gay than straight!. Go for it and enjoy and be happy!!!! I am sure that you will never go for it. Why?, why you do not go for it if there is no moral or legal obstacles anymore for this in our society and times? Why after so long suffering with this you still did not get out of the closet?, what kind of closet do you have that you do not even dare to go out of it even with yourself? Internal denial or egodystonic sexual orientation ???. There is not such internal denial, you have would have masturbated millions of times already with all the material one click available on the internet, you would have fallen in love at least with one guy, you would have fantasied with guys in emotional and sexual ways and you would have recognised it to yourself and others with the gay proud. I would say the reason is egodystonic sexual orientation and exactly because this sexual orientation is so egodystonic for you, exactly because of this you have obsessed about it. Unfortunately OCDers have the tendency to obsess with whatever is more awful and terrible for them. If you are scared of spiders is because you do not like them and not because you secretly love them. What kind of secret love is this that you are not even aware that you really love them…

Exactly, Discuccsant!. I would not have said it better. I totally agreed. Unfortunately, I have gone through that hell for several years. Same symptoms described here, mine went even further and I started to have sensations in the anal area as well, was terrible and really disgusting. What the hell I had to feel in my anal zone when I never in my life did anything with my anal area except feces!. It was just another form of groinal response, another psychosomatic symptom of my deep obsession of those terrible years… Once I realised that I could not keep ruling my life in misery because of “oh my body this, oh my body that”…then I stopped paying attention to my body and as consequence I started to get away from my obsession. Then I started to find myself, the one I was always before the obsession: I recovered fully my attraction for women and those groinal response faded away and disappeared completely. It is all about getting away from the obsession and for this the most important is realising exactly of all Discuccsant has written down above to stop paying attention to those stupid feelings that we created ourselves with our obsessed mind.

The gay finger ratio is nothing else that an old theory that has little scientific support. In my opinion discuccsant has some valid points but the situation goes further than this. The supposed arousals are not real arousals but híper attention on the genital when exposed to the gay thoughts. Once Eric Dave reports here wet dreams with gay things… then I will believe is arousal but some feelings and not even full erections?, this is not real arousal.

Then according to your 1st theory most or many men around 30-45 should change their sexual orientation due to testosterone decline levels. But statistics and psychology says that sexual orientation in defined before birth and developed from teenagers. There are almost no cases of people who changed sexual orientation in midlife and if it happens is something extraordinary rare specially in men. There are some cases documented of sexual orientation change in women but still extraordinary rare. Actually I read somewhere that cases of sexual orientation change was restricted to people who are in the middle of the sexual orientation spectrum (which means people who had several real sexual and emotional love experiences before in their lives with same sex, in other words people who are a bit bisexual before). ”My 2nd theory is my erectile dysfunction trained my mind to associate women with not getting hard and so my mind needed new stimulation to kick it into life. ” Another good exercise of rumination. It is obvious that you are only looking for “red” colour but there are many other colours that you are intentionally disregarding. In other words, you only look for the possibility that bring you to catastrophe or bad being, but there are many other possibilities and scenarios that would put your mind in peace…but you are not interested in your well being, you need drama. My theory is that your erectile dysfunction is another symptom of your OCD. It is well documented and well known by urologists: first cause of erectile dysfunction between young and healthy population. It is called psychogenic erectile dysfunction. I would do an effort to stop your rumination: It is a compulsion, it will not fix your doubts, it only will give you more and more supposed theories and will only put you deeper into your obsession.

I think that all you have now is consequence of your strong obsession. How come that your sexual orientation has changed if you were previously straight according to your statement here?. Answer: your sexual orientation did not change but your OCD has finally convinced you, at least temporarily. “ think I have prejudice from my upbringing maybe and I just cant accept who I am. ” I do not think so but if you are sure…do not waste more your time here and jump into the gay world… and do not feel scared or anxious anymore after your gay dreams, that anxiety makes absolutely no sense if you have changed your sexual orientation.

Many thanks Snowbear for your feedback. I agree and understand what you wrote down. It looks easy to imagine how to apply CBT from “outside “ but applying CBT from “inside” is a total different league and much harder. Anyway I keep trying to avoid compulsions.

@Ma29 I think Malina has given you a great advice above, read it and re read it as many times as possible so that you understand it properly well. Do not stop doing things Mothers normally do with their babies just because of some OCD fears, thoughts, voices….

Could I have created a false memory regarding a phone call from Someone when a phone call is not obviously initially link with my obsession? In my phone invoice I have only the calls I made but not the calls I received. I asked my Phone operator but they told me it is needed a Police request for them to provide a list of phone calls that happened 5 years ago… I need to know if that phone call really happened because I think it is key to get conclusions of my case. If that phone call never happened I guess that I could assume the case is very likely made up by my fears and OCD. I know everything I am researching only deteriorates me, because are all compulsions. I know I am constantly fueling my obsession… I know the theory of CBT but it is so hard to apply it is like saying to someone: “do not use your brain, disconnect it”…and in people very rational, sensitive and not indifferent with certain topics is like asking them to stop breathing. I have suffered several OCD crisis since I was a teenager but this one is devastating me and I am not able to apply the principles of not making compulsions: not checking, not ruminating, not analysing, not debating the thoughts, not getting reassurance…

Here I am again, looking for reassurance but as well curious if False memories could work that way. I summarize my case or current OCD. I still do not know if what is burning my life since months could really happen or not. Several months ago I got in contact with a woman by Tinder, then we exchanged phone numbers and met for a coffee. During Tinder and WhatsApp conversations She told me she has a 4 year old daughter and Child’s Father abandoned her by another woman... During the coffee she told me that we met before, she told me the Pub and where she lives. I remembered then it was one night stand of sex with her because we met in a pub several years before and She invited me straight that night to her house for sex. Then I started to panic because I thought that meeting was around 5 years ago and her Daughter has 4 years. I started to think that I could be the Father of that Child. I left the coffee meeting with a panic attack and without telling her my thoughts and fears. On the way to my car I started to force myself to try to remember when exactly was that sexual encounter to get ride of the fear and discard the possibility that Child could be mine. I knew it was 5 years ago but I thought it would be impossible to locate the month. Then after a couple of minutes in severe anxiety and trying to locate the month I remembered that woman phoned me few days after the sexual encounter to meet again and that call happened exactly when I was with a new girlfriend starting a new relationship with and I could locate the beginning of that new relationship in December month 5 years ago, which would mean around 9 months before the supposed date of birth of that child. I started to panic even more and more. I felt I had a big problem and misfortune because I disliked that woman deeply and I consider her like a psychiatric person. I continued ruminating non stop 24/7 trying to review all details over and over. I checked my old iPhone and found her SMSs of the night we had one night stand sex. It was not In December but in October month which later on I found it would be closer to nine months because the Child goes to kindergarten which means that Child’ s date of birth is before 1st September !. When I found the SMS of the night stand sex I thought the memory of the phone call could be false or not accurate in the month?. Is it possible I had created that false memory of a phone call from that woman? Why am I asking this?, because if that woman really phoned me to meet two months after my sexual encounter with her, I guess that it is impossible that Child is not mine because for what is going to call me to meet a woman who at that time was for sure pregnant supposedly from another guy?. I also tried to remember if I used condoms or not that night. For sure I started using them but I do not know what could have happened if condom broke or I had to stop and then I had no more condoms...at the beginning I could not remember but after two weeks trying to remember some memories came to my head that I had to stop, removed the condom and then I run out of condoms...it is now if I perfectly remember this with great fear and guilt feeling. I want to think that it could be as well a false memory but I do not know???. One month ago I phoned that woman and asked her if I could be the Father of her Child but she denied. Unfortunately I google in internet and I found many cases of women not disclosing paternity after one night stand because the Father is a total stranger...

Personally I think that suicide it is a waste and a pity even in the worst case scenarios of life, which I do not think are yours. (People in Jail for ever, people with terminal diseases…) Why do I think like this?, because we all will be much much much more time dead than alive. Then what is the point to decrease life time if we are going to be millions and millions and billions of years dead?, do not rush for the bad things which is dead and try to make your best from what you have (life). Ok, you have this terrible OCD, you had a bad father…ok, we also have circumstances and obsessions that we personally consider the worst of the worst… The funny thing is that your obsession makes me laugh in the same way that my obsession will probably make you laugh, which means that there is no real value behind those thoughts. Take your Father past experience and your OCD like something to make you stronger and harder and not like something to put you down constantly. Do the things that you really like in life, start dreaming positively and fight for your dreams. Forget about the **** and focus and work for what you consider the beauty.

“checking yourself for signs of arousal can actually make you more likely to get a groinal response” It is not only that checking and searching for this will make you more likely to get a groinal response. It is actually that it will make you get a groinal response for sure if you search for sensations when exposed to the object of your obsession. It is the hyper attention focus on the genital area together with the anxiety and fear what mainly generates the groinal response. Therefore I highly recommend not to pay attention to the genital area when exposed to the object of your sexual obsession.

Probably and partially yes, but not till the extent to start liking something that you deeply dislike. This will not happen because your deep values are untouchable because are at at deeper level that this “training” with porn overstimulation and over use does not reach. To give you an example, if you run everyday you can certainly become a much better runner but not till the extend to make your legs grow, change your physical constitution so much and become a marathon winner because to become a marathon winner apart from hard daily training you need specific genetic and this last one you do not have. Running everyday you will manage to finish marathons but not to become marathon winner because for that one you also need the special genes that you lack.

You have a sexual missconception that I also had. You think that you can “train” your brain to like the fetish you are afraid and you deeply dislike.FALSE If such training would work “sexual orientation conversion therapy” worked. And it is well known nowdays by scientific community that such therapies are scam. These therapies do not work. You can train the brain until certain extent, you can build up escalation but not till the point of changing what it is very egodistonic. In your case your ocd fetish is very egodistonic to you, this is why it generates you such refusal and this is why you have obsessed with it. Unfortunately people with OCD we get obsessed with what we fear the most.

“I'm sorry that you have another obsession, each of them feel very real and torment you constantly- don't they?” Correct “Yes you are very similar to me in that regard. Sometimes I'm feeling happy talking to my friends and then suddenly I'll get an intrusive thought related to my obsession and it'll just completely ruin my mood, I feel like crying sometimes. ” Same for me.

Avoiding porn for you now is not an avoidance compulsion. You should avoid checking with Porn or using the Porn to test, because this checking is a compulsion. Furthermore I would suggest to start detoxing yourself from porn. Internet porn is not healthy. I would start reducing the frequency with it. There is a constant brain over stimulation and later the reality becomes boring.

When I read you is like reading myself. It is interesting how similar your fear is to mine: I am also afraid that I will change my mind in the topic of my obsession and I can not deal with that possibility, I CAN NOT STAND IT. I read that one feature in people with OCD is RIGIDITY in the topics that hook them. In the past I had HOCD for 2 years and I was terrified that I would become finally gay and I would change my mind and embrace it, just because I could not remove it from my head, the images and thoughts were repeating and repeating, I was 24/7 bombarded by intrusive thoughts, images, groinal responses, ruminations… Finally the obsession started to fade away progressively with time and nowdays I laugh on it. My sexual orientation never changed although I lost líbido at that moment, I lost the attraction for women and I started to have false attraction for men…most likely built up by me and my compulsions with the porn to check…it was terrible but I never liked it and it only gave me tons of anxiety, depression and uncomfort with myself at that moment. Likely this is all behind and now after some years of “peace “ I am obsessed with a different topic, again hitting the OCD wall.

There is a clear connection brain body. Actually brain is part of the body?. Symptoms of high chronic level of cortisol are many and depend on individual basis and intensity and durability of anxiety. In my case, I identify a clear pattern in the early morning when I wake up and the first thing that comes to my mind is my obsession then I become anxious and depressed and I must run to toilet with diarrhoea. I have done multiple tests to make sure nothing is wrong in my digestive system and Drs agree that moderate diarrhoea can be an anxiety symptom. Another clear high anxiety symptom is dry mouth (I am not on any meds). I also suffer regularly from pain in my back in the rhomboid area (between scapulas) which seems to be identified as a trigger point of pain and over muscle contraction for people dealing with high stress levels.

I think that your back pain can be more related with anxiety produced by your OCD rather than by your movements during your compulsions. Muscles in the back are very sensitive to stress and anxiety thus they get contracted during stress periods.

Just my point of view, I guess like everyone else here, I enter in this forum to learn about OCD, to expose my obsession to try to get help and also to help others if I feel able to give them something positive. One common thing I found out from the beginning is how “meaningless” Others’ obsessions seems to be for me. I can not even understand why people get stuck in such meaningless things… Well from all Other’s obsessions I have read I think this is the most meaningless one ever I have read. “Kissing a guy one night in a bar while drunk “…. And what !!!!????? This is not even cheating !!!!, you were drunk, it was during party time… Are you aware of what people do during nightlife at Party regardless they are engaged with someone or not ???. Also most likely you have filled this event with false memories considering the level of your obsession and the significant amount of time passed. You will never know what really happened but whatever happened there it was MEANINGLESS !!!. On the other hand, your Partner: You wrote down that he is the victim. Negative, the only victim is clearly you and only you. Does he know you suffer for years with it in form of OCD?, and if he knows it he is not able to be more helpful with this?. To sum up, You are obsessed with something MEANINGLESS, you will never know what really happened and it is ok because it is MEANINGLESS unless you first kissed that person and second killed him and third bury the body in your garden…just kidding. It is time to take the perspective from Other’s about this obsession because it is obvious that your perspective is not giving you any good. I wish you this Year will be the year of your recovery. You deserve it.

Dear Summer, what it is happening to you now regarding your boyfriend (lack of reciprocity) is something that happens to everyone from time to time with or without OCD. You should learn that your happiness can not depend on Others (even the most love ones) but exclusively on yourself. This is my little tip, it is not a tip about OCD but a general tip for everyone. I hope you will become stronger in this new 2022. Happy new Year and cheer up !!

“I did not experience the anxiety the last time”. Normal in OCD, after so many exposures you have done to your source of fear your brain is getting used to thus fear and anxiety are decreasing or disappearing. OMG ?!, does it mean I will finally like it?. Negative, it just means that you are losing the fear. Losing the fear to something is not equal to like it. ”But when I tested myself…” you keep testing, you keep making compulsions because you still do not understand that compulsions never fix the problem. Compulsions generate, build and make grow the problem. STOP TESTING, STOP COMPULSIONS if you want to get out of the labyrinth of **** you have put yourself, ”I felt like I liked it”…really?, then why you could not get sleep?, why did you wake up several times in the middle of the night?… it seems that you are anxious. Why do you keep posting here?…it seems that you are doubtful. It seems that your tests never give you a conclusive answer. I think it is 9th time that I write you that those tests are a trap because they will never give you any evidence of anything. I give you a graphic example: For you “eating feces” is a disgusting idea, but after reading in internet that there are some minority in population that like this practice a thought crossed your mind: “would I be in that minority of population who enjoy eating feces?”. “OMG ?, how could I think this?…”. Impossible!, I prefer death than doing this “. But then the thought repeats. “Hmm, if I am thinking this again…it could be some truth behind?”. “OMG…??” “ok, I will check it to see how much I dislike it and close this awful chapter for ever”. You are shaking of fear, anxious, your heart is beating fast and strongly, you feel the breathing rhythm to expedite. You are in panic that the test result will be positive, but you want to finish the torture of thinking about it like a possibility, you want to close this chapter for ever and you get the braveness to test it!. Then you go to your toilet, you take a spoon and you put a bit of your feces in your tongue….OMG?, You felt some taste!!!!, does it mean that you liked it??!!!, why did you feel some taste????!!!!!, you found out that feces has some taste!!!, how to describe that taste??!!!, then you become very worry and you can not sleep thinking that you could like it, thinking that you could end up eating feces everyday…and you feel terrible with yourself and you hate yourself…. You still do not understand that a small taste of something means NOTHING because anything you would put in your mouth will have a taste. You still do not understand that some kind of sexual arousal means NOTHING because any kind of sex will give you always some kind of arousal. If I were you I would just visit the porn categories that you really like and not those one that make you lose the sleep and the mental health… I were you I would use porn to have few seconds of fun but not to test anything. THERE IS NOTHING TO TEST, YOU KNOW THAT EATING FECES IS DISGUSTING FOR YOU REGARDLESS THE TASTE FECES COULD HAVE BECAUSE IT IS NOT ONLY ABOUT THE TASTE BUT ABOUT THE FULL CONCEPT. This is why People do not need to test how the feces taste.

There are plenty of good advises in this post from different Participants. Personally I think that what Flyingrocket must do about it is: NOTHING ELSE. Flyingrocket must finally understand that he has dedicated a huge amount of time, energy and mental health to this topic. He must also understand that because of so much energy dedicated in tests, checks, ruminating, asking one and the other reassurance… he has built up a castle of obsession, fear and anxiety. He must also be proud of spending more time in front of that fetish porn category than those ones who really like it. Honestly Flyingrocket, you should stop wasting your time with this, there is nothing else to check with this, nothing else to test, nothing else to analyse, nothing else to ask for reassurance… just do the things you like: visit the porn category you feel well with and have good fun, do with your partner in bed what you really enjoy and make you happy…and leave behind what you do not like…it can not be easier and more simple. Our problem is that OCDers want to eradicate a remote possibility that scares them, repulse them… with reassurance, checking, analysing…but the more we try to eradicate it the bigger the obsession become…until reaching a point that it looks like our worst nightmare is becoming true and real. Compulsions look like the keys to fix the issue but they are the opposite: they are a trap, this is why we always should avoid compulsions. Avoiding compulsions = do nothing about the issue and just do what you like and love in life.

Probably your theory is correct. It is not a secret that Internet porn is not healthy. It is not a secret that because of internet porn nowdays the cases of HOCD, POCD… or other kind of sexual disturbances have grown exponentially. Actually people with any kind of sexual OCD search for answers in internet porn and this make the pathology much deeper because they never find the answer they are looking for and they fuel their obsessions. It is also well known that people with any kind of OCD, search for answers in internet as compulsion and they just fuel their obsessions with this. What I was trying to explain is that your question is impossible to answer with the accuracy and reliability you require. Furthermore it does not really matter the answer and what it really matters is that that question is just a compulsion that only brings you deeper into obsession. You will never get out of your obsession with your ruminating, reviewing the details, analysing everything around your worry…you will never have satisfactory answers in the long term and you will only get deeper into your worry, concern, obsession. IDENTIFY ALL YOUR COMPULSIONS AND STOP THEM if you want to be yourself and not someone who writes a post “crying”. In your case: Stop placing yourself in front of porn to test yourself because it is a big compulsion. Those tests will never have a clear or conclusive result in the long term and will only bring you into further never ending testing. Stop analysing why you have such feelings when you see something related with that fetish because that questioning is another compulsion. Those questions will never have a conclusive answer and will only put you into further doubts and never ending questioning. I hope I could help.

“Sometimes, I do wonder if it's just because I've wired my brain from watching porn I just get these feelings to like the video so my brain is just picking it up as porn but I'm applying more meaning behind it, if you understand me?” This is a question typical from OCD. You keep with your never ending doubting disease. You want to know things that nobody really knows and that you will never be sure about the answer. Have a look how stupid your question is: why is this strange feeling (groinal response, psychosomatic feeling…)happening to me ? ok, I give you a possible answer: because you really like it. You are in denial with this fetish…but this is your thing. You will embrace it, enjoy it and later you will think how stupid you were because you took so long to recognise and accept who you are and what you like and what makes you happy…. Are you happy with my answer?, or are you anxious or not feeling comfortable?. Then you have the answer: Whatever is the reason of those feelings or sensations which you just make significant and noticeable because of your fears and worries you just do not want it for yourself. This is what matters today: you do not want it for yourself. Actually you place yourself in front of this material to “TEST YOURSELF “ as you wrote down. Another example of your continuous questioning yourself, another example of question that will never find a satisfactory answer, another example of compulsion, more fuel for your obsession.

Although I am a man… I would also highly advise you to prevent further stress because of this. People with OCD, we must try to reduce all stress important sources as much as possible and this is obviously a significant source for OCD, anxiety, stress, depression… An unwanted pregnancy can be a trauma for life for some people, same with any sexual transmitted disease that can be also for ever (herpes, hiv…) I would highly advise a good contraceptive method for woman to avoid unwanted pregnancy if you are not looking for pregnancy plus condoms strictly to avoid STD if you are not with a stable partner. In health.