Ma29

Thanks everyone - hope you’re all okay too x

Thanks She is still in hospital, very poorly - thank you for asking. I’m praying for her everyday and hope she gets better soon.

Hello Caramoole, Thanks for the mention. I have honestly been trying very very hard, every day is a battle but I’m always remembering the advice that I’ve received from many of you on here. The thoughts haven’t gotten less but I’m learning slowly how to deal with them - there are some stickier than others. In fact I’ve just posted before I saw the post from you above as I need a bit of help. I have been acting as sole carer during weekdays for my baby whilst my husband works so I would say that’s an improvement

Hello everyone - I’ve been trying my best to dismiss the ocd thoughts ect but I seem to be hitting a brick wall. Can someone pls help? My husbands about to change baby’s nappy and I offer to do it as it looks like a messy one and also thought I’d give my husband a break. As I’m changing his nappy ocd thoughts start flooding in - analysing every single wipe ect - I hate it. Then at the end I did one extra wipe on his bum cheek, there was no reason too really I’m not sure why I did it ? It was almost like ocd was convincing me it’s wrong ect at the same time. I wish I had not done the last wipe and now I feel awful. why does this happen? Did I do wrong to change the nappy and did I do wrong with the last wipe which felt wrong ? im confused.

Thanks everyone - she has been on icu watch since yesterday and is being looked after. Great suggestion, I’ll try this today - really easy to forget that these are obsessive feelings about innocent movements or non sensical movements which I’ve attached meaning to via my ocd. Such as fingers moving is bad / therefore it must be for a bad reason when it happens ect / therefore I’m a bad person ect. Very true.

Thanks for your replies and advice, I appreciate it. Thanks @northpaul- I’m going to do this tonight (go through CBT techniques). Right now, I don’t feel like I can engage in it as I feel too upset. Thanks @ocdjonesy - breath is really important, I agree. Probably one of the most effective and free therapy for anxiety. Yes, I must. Its just very hard - I was trying my best and still will but my sister is so sick - she has suffered for ages and now is back in hospital again and it’s unfair on her. I don’t want to go into the details but she’s had an incredibly rough time with her health for years. She spent the last 4 months dedicating her time to me to help me through this patch I’m going through, that involved months of trying to help me with ocd, months of sleepless nights, evenings of trying to get me to come back home when I’d left home because I was so distressed, months of begging me to at least talk to her when I’ve been so down. Anyway I’m now sitting in our empty living room, in tears because I want her to be OK and be back home. She hasn’t had it easy, part of me also feels guilty as she had enough to deal with before I got sick and yet still was determined to get me better. Yet she’s in hospital severely sick and I’m still figuring out why my index finger moved when I held my baby whilst worried about her too (the point I’m making is my ocd concern about my finger moving is minimal compared to what she’s going through and yet this stupid illness I have can’t seem to get lost). If anyone’s into healing/ praying, please do pray for my sister and send positive vibes her way. Thanks

Hello Everyone. Ive been having a tough few weeks. My baby has been unwell and so I’ve been trying my best to be there for him. He’s recovered now. Ocd has been in full force and I’m really trying to dismiss the thoughts as garbage but I get really stuck sometimes. My sister has fallen very sick and we had to call the ambulance today, I was really upset and handed the baby over to my mum and noticed my index finger moved on his leg or something and I don’t know why it happened - I was feeling so stressed and I can’t remember whether I did it on purpose because of anxiety or it just moved and I’m really scared now. Can someone help me please? Does ocd tend to get worse when one is stressed about something other than ocd related if that makes sense? I get confused because ocd thoughts are always screaming in my head and make me feel as though I’ve done something bad - sometimes the thoughts tell me I’m doing normal things for a bad reason when I’m not and then if something does happen like if my hand moves or I still go ahead and do what I’m doing I feel awful afterwards- is this common in ocd?

No straight forward answer from me on this one. I think it will be so variable for everyone with ocd. I would say for me, anxiety can come in all sorts of wave, shape or form and at any time. Distorted/faulty thinking is complex and for me, I have almost trained my brain to work in a certain way that is unhealthy for me in a response to try and deal with ocd and anxiety. I would say it’s all part of the same problem and why we may experience the anxiety - we attach meaning such as guilt / shame ect to our thoughts / obsessions. I know it’s very hard but try not to work this out. Main thing is you should resist carrying out compulsions. This means your anxiety will be higher to start of with but will gradually decline overtime. To help distract you from compulsions, maybe try and get onto a task to keep your mind occupied. I like to clean or listen to music or just have a cold shower ! Best of luck

Thanks for sharing. I had a read and you’ve described (quite eloquently) the reality of living with OCD. Appreciate your openness. I couldn’t read everything due risk of being triggered by anything, but my gosh - A very raw account of what you go through. When I’m feeling better mentally I will defo be able to sit and read fully. Well done for also spreading awareness by writing about your experience w/ocd. ??

This is great - nothing like a bit of outdoors is there. I may go for a walk tomorrow morning after reading this.

It’s just absurd - why does my mind make these stupid connections and trigger the rest of my minor actions / thoughts off. I hate it. I then start challenging it and think about what my intentions were, ie - was your intention xyz and then ocd tries to trick me into convincing me i clenched my head which triggered sensation in groin which triggered it to magically feeling like it’s moving upwards for a bad reason when it wasn’t and all of this, it was just because the ocd got triggered. Goodness sakes. How can I forgive myself? I feel like I’ve done something bad towards him?

Thanks @snowbear I’m sure his is relevant to a lot of us with ocd.

Hello. I’ve had a very tough week and Im so confused why these things are happening to me. I was sitting with the baby, he was asleep and whilst asleep in my arms I noticed I clenched the inside of my head which triggered a sensation in my groin (I know it sounds stupid but it really did). Or it was just mental because everything I do atm is related to my groin. I got alarmed by this and thought that’s odd because it felt like when I did the head clench my groin sensation was triggered but almost like it was magically moving in the same direction as us by just the sensation - I don’t know if I’m being delusional at this point??

Hey Jeremy, Thanks for posting and looking out for us, very kind of you. This is positive and encouraging - thank you for sharing. I am so glad to hear that ocd hasn’t stopped you from achieving these things and nor should it ever have the power to do that. I often worry that Ocd will get in the way of me living a fulfilling life but your post has given me hope.

Thanks Snowbear. I am trying, I really am. I’ve noticed that some obsessions of the same theme have less impact on me now and some are still there. Im trying to treat these thoughts as nonsense, I really am. It’s just that there are some that just stick with me for longer than they should. I’ve refused to let the latest sticky thought stop me from interacting with the baby. It’s been very tough but I’ve done it. I just can’t get my head around what happened. I think it’s as simple as:- Dad stands baby up from the changing mat and asks mum to put baby’s sleeping suit on the changing mat, behind the baby. OCD triggered. Mum has OCD and gets reminded of her obsession the last time she did this (her obsession was a fear around things touching baby’s bottom). Mum proceeds to put sleeping suit on the changing mat. OCD is triggered again, thoughts about the sleeping suit being too close to baby’s bottom as she places it on the changing mat. Mum freezes but continues to place sleeping suit on the changing mat. OCD triggered again and gives mum a fleeting feeling of something like she wanted the sleeping suit to touch baby’s bottom. Mum feels guilty for having this feeling/thought. At the time, mum was trying to just put the sleeping suit on the changing mat amidst all these feelings and thoughts ect. Later on the ocd keeps reminding her of the feeling that ocd caused convincing her that she wanted the sleeping suit to touch baby’s bottom which the mum doesn’t feel comfortable with and she feels like a bad person. The task at hand was to put the sleeping suit on the changing mat - that is what I did. So why do I feel so bad for this? I know it’s the feeling element which I don’t like - I hate it. How can I ignore this and dismiss it? It’s almost like being in a constant battle with my own mind - and then the constant stress which comes with this caused me migraines and skin rashes.

Thanks Snowbear it’s just so scary because if I’m doing something ‘normal’ ocd twists it because of my obsessions and sometimes can even make me ‘feel’ like I’m doing something normal in a bad way. For example putting the babygrow on the floor, in the process it for a split second made me feel like I wanted it to touch his bottom and then I carried on and because of the feeling surely I should have stopped? I did freeze before hand because I got stuck. Then today I’m putting baby’s top on and as soon as I’m about to put his arm in I make sure I try not to touch his nappy area ect and then after I’ve put the arm in I pull his top down to straighten it out and I don’t know what happens but I move my hand too quickly and at the same time the ocd thought comes in telling me it’s bad / for a bad reason ect and then I feel awful again. I know these actions will seem harmless to someone else but to me they are harmful and wrong. I don’t know how to forgive myself. Is ocd an excuse for this behaviour? What will I say to my baby when he’s older - Oh when you were a baby, the babygrow touched your bottom as I was placing it on the floor and when we were changing you, I pulled your top down to straighten it but my hand moved too quickly. I shouldn’t do any of these things and I’m still yet doing them.

Thanks all. @MarieJo Thank you so much for sharing you’re experience with me - I really appreciate you being so open and letting me know about your own obsessions - Which I understand can be difficult to talk about for some people, so thank you. I’m sorry you’ve had to cope with such distressing obsessions relating to your children and can understand how very challenging this may have been and still is now albeit the obsessions may have changed in nature. You mentioned you are struggling atm, I hope you have enough support around you and are getting help if necessary? Thank you for offering to chat - Now that I’m a mother, I instinctively feel responsible for my child which is expected, natural and healthy of course however as an ocd sufferer I have a heightened sense of inflated responsibility which is where the issue lies because these obsessions/compulsions become unhealthy and irrational. I need to learn that my child’s life span isn’t dependant on choosing the ‘right’ food jar from the supermarket or that if I don’t walk back and forth in the living room twice, it isn’t going to cause harm to my child.I’m sure you can probably relate to similar things!

Hello. Is it okay to just dismiss everything because I have ocd when it comes to obsessions. By that I mean any thoughts / feelings / harmless actions ect. I feel exhausted from all of this and worry the ocd tricks me at every chance it can get. The feelings then feel so real it’s scary and I don’t know what’s real or not then. Today was really difficult but I tried my best to fight and managed surprisingly quite well - the trick for me is not to panic straight away and give it some time before I react to anything. I noticed when I do this, I actually forget about the initial thought and when it does come back, I can see that it was silly anyway. However there are some that just stick and I can’t get rid of them. Am I supposed to just ignore these sticky thoughts too? Even if they cause feelings too? I was keeping the baby distracted today whilst his dad was changing him. His dad picked him up in a standing position from the changing mat and asked me to put the babygrow underneath the baby before he puts him back down on the changing mat. As soon as I proceed to get the baby grow - I get reminded of a previous time when I was asked to do the same thing and the ocd kicked in telling me that I laid it down in a way which was too close to the baby’s bottom as I put the babygrow down (almost like when you make the bed you toss the duvet and so to put the babygrow down I have to toss it in the same way so it falls neatly on the mat). Anyway, I carry on and as I’m getting ready to toss the babygrow in air to lay it down flat something tells me I’m too close to baby’s bottom but I still go ahead and do it. Just after the thought and before I carry on, I freeze but then I still lay it down and now I feel really bad because it was too close. The ocd is also making me ‘feel’ like I wanted that to happen but I don’t like that and feel uncomfortable with that however also feel guilty that I just went ahead and carried on when I shouldn’t have although I did freeze at the same time because I was anxious. I feel like I’ve done a really bad thing now because of the though feeling action ect. I hate it all. If I didn’t have ocd and didn’t have this obsession and wasn’t reminded of the previous time a similar thing happened then none of this would have happened. Am I okay to just dismiss this all? Thanks

Glad you have got a plan of action for yourself, Cora. Best of luck with your studies this weekend - you got this. I’m sure the finished product will be ace when you do present it. ?

Cora, forget other people and their circumstances. This is about you. Has OCD impacted your ability to complete your dissertation project for the set deadline? Y/N/Maybe. You’ll know the answer. Don’t feel guilty about anything. You need to look out for yourself and give yourself the best possible chance in life. So, if this means getting an extension to allow you the time to complete your project to the best of your ability because so far you haven’t been able to, due to illness (ocd) then you should go for it. When I was at school which seems like a long time ago now, I had to ask for exemptions a lot due to various different things that were out of my control. This illness isn’t any different and if I was struggling how I am now and had uni work to complete I would be trying to get all the additional support available to me. Best of luck !

I sensed an overwhelming amount of sadness last night and this morning. Sad about many things that have occurred in the last year or so. I hate OCD. I always say why, why. Then I remember something, as my father would say - ‘we can sit here asking why, if it wasn’t you it would be someone else’s daughter and that wouldn’t make it OK’. Which is very true of course. I’m also grateful that ocd has the potential to be treated with the right tools. I know that there are other people not so fortunate, suffering from other illnesses. That being said, I just feel so sad. This thing has robbed me of experiencing one of the best moments of my life with my beautiful baby. I wish I could have been the mother I planned to be. It has not just impacted me but has impacted my baby, husband, siblings and mum. I also know my dad is watching and probably hurting knowing I’m going through this. I wish I could wake up and just cuddle my baby, wish I could kiss him as much as I want, wish I could watch him have fun whilst he enjoys the bubbles at bath time, wish I could buy him lovely clothes and toys to dress him in and play with him, wish I could take him to fun activities - I can’t even buy him food jars unless I spend 30 minutes picking the ‘right’ jar because if it doesn’t feel right then something may happen to him. I know everyone’s obsessions feel the most traumatic to them - that’s the nature of ocd and why it’s so distressing, it targets peoples worst fears. For me, ocd couldn’t have attacked anything more precious in my life. I just don’t know how I will ever get over this trauma. There is the grief of what It has robbed from me and then also something which feels like ptsd associated with trying to recover from all the trauma it has caused. No exaggeration intended, this has been one of the darkest times of my life. There is also a lot of guilt attached - guilt that I think is probably made up from all the meaningless things I thought were wrong. I know it’s ocd but because its all so distressing in nature, it’s equally distressing when memories come back and then those feelings / emotions return. I understand the concept of dealing with each obsession is very very similar by applying the CBT techniques ect. However when I’ve researched to find other parents who have experienced post natal ocd and in particular ocd around harm and inappropriate behaviour, I just can’t find any. I don’t know if that’s because people are afraid to share their experiences or just don’t want too but it would really help me to see that there are other parents who have had the same ocd theme as me and have recovered. Does anyone know of any mums and dads that have experienced something similar - I’d love to read about their journey and see that there is a way out from this and that I can still be all the things I wanted to be and be happy. Thanks.

Struggling again @PolarBearcan you help me please?

Thanks @Lily sheila My therapist has tried that with me in a similar way by looking at the likelihood of something happening to which I always almost say not very likely. In my case ocd has recognised that the way to make me suffer is to create associations with inappropriate behaviour (which is what I’m fearful off). It knows I’d never act and do the latter so it creates stupid associations which then results in me making up rules for myself which are more likely to be broken. I then attach false belief to these rules which are pointless and meaningless in the first place. So in this instance - During the day OCD made an association that moving my head (which would move my face) near the baby is bad because it could touch his nappy area therefore I shouldn’t do anything of the sort like hold him up in the air/ nod/tickle his tummy with my face/Bend over to pick something up when he is near me. Even that association is false because so what if I bent over to get something and my head hit his nappy area, I’m sure when he’s older he will crawl all over us. Anyway, this then led to a rule I must abide by:- Head/face must never ever touch baby’s nappy area OR move near baby’s nappy area because it is inappropriate regardless of the context ( obviously there are instances where this may happen such as smelling a baby’s nappy / blowing raspberries on their tummy’s / or thighs even) and the most obvious one is we have to move our heads to function. This rule is flawed. Part of a parents head or face coming into contact with a babies nappy area as they are tickling them on their tummy isn’t wrong, a parent smelling their baby’s nappy to see if they’ve done a poo isn’t wrong. A parent bending down to get something and accidentally hitting their head on this area isn’t wrong. What is wrong is the complete opposite which I don’t even need to explain. However when I am in this situation the ocd then alerts me to say ️ Rule in danger of being broken which then triggers the thoughts ‘don’t move don’t move’ and I’m fixated on this one thing because IF I do move and the rule gets broken:- ie his dads face touches his nappy area then I have done something incredibly inappropriate. When in actual fact that rule is nonsense, as a) nothing inappropriate is going on and b) I have no bad intention. The point is I’m fixated with the worry of moving because IF I do that equals inappropriate regardless of context and intention and that’s false. So, that leaves me ruminating and seeking reassurance when the answer is the same - the rule you are trying to follow and have put belief in is false in the first place. If you did move and that persons face touched the baby’s nappy area for a brief second whilst tickling his tummy it wouldn’t be wrong or wouldn’t do any harm. Your worry was not about behaving inappropriately it was actually about breaking a rule you think would = inappropriate. You were afraid of not moving because you thought if you do that would be inappropriate regardless of intent or context and that’s false. Hope this makes sense..? I do like a Ben and Jerry’s chocolate fudge brownie ice cream.

A lovely person on this forum gave me some words of wisdom the other day which were from: The parable of the poisoned arrow which is a short story told by a Buddha in order to illustrate the futility of speculating on certain metaphysical questions, such as the ones you, I and probably everyone has. The difference is we both have OCD and find it hard to accept that we will never know anything for certain. Hope this helps. The parable of the posioned arrow It's just as if a man were wounded with an arrow thickly smeared with poison. His friends & companions, kinsmen & relatives would provide him with a surgeon, and the man would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know whether the man who wounded me was a noble warrior, a priest, a merchant, or a worker.' He would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know the given name & clan name of the man who wounded me... until I know whether he was tall, medium, or short... until I know whether he was dark, ruddy-brown, or golden-colored... until I know his home village, town, or city... until I know whether the bow with which I was wounded was a long bow or a crossbow... until I know whether the bowstring with which I was wounded was fiber, bamboo threads, sinew, hemp, or bark... until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was wild or cultivated... until I know whether the feathers of the shaft with which I was wounded were those of a vulture, a stork, a hawk, a peacock, or another bird... until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was bound with the sinew of an ox, a water buffalo, a langur, or a monkey.' He would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was that of a common arrow, a curved arrow, a barbed, a calf-toothed, or an oleander arrow.' The man would die and those things would still remain unknown to him.

Thanks ocdjonesy - I’m going to get up and try to have something to eat as I haven’t eaten yet at it’s 3pm.