Ma29

My ocd started off the moment after a Muslim teacher told me that if I don’t dress a certain way, my parents will burn in hell. So I adopted various changes to my life which involved many many compulsions because I couldn’t take the risk of my parents burning in hell for eternity (now older I don’t even believe there is a hell like this and the belief I even attached to this silly statement was completely irrational). The belief that our actions will cause our family to burn in hell is false. That’s all there is to it. My child could me the most law abiding, caring child in the world but he may go to hell because of my actions - If that’s the case then we are all doomed and set up for failure, right? I’ve been where you are and I get it. It feels so real and even if there’s very little chance of something happening we want complete certainly it won’t but we can’t get complete certainty around anything let alone the afterlife! So, we carry out these compulsions because we can’t cope we the slightest of chance this false belief being true. It’s called, Intolerance of certainty and it’s really uncomfortable. The ocd wants you to believe something that is false. It’s a big lie. Your children won’t be punished for your actions or non actions. It’s attaching to your children because it knows you love them the most in this world. You need to recognise this is the OCD playing tricks on you and treat it as the garbage it is - OCD. Do it because by attending to the false lie OCD is telling you, you’ll spend more time carrying out compulsions trying to save your children from something that won’t happen than spending quality time with them. Best of luck

I’ve applied the techniques I have learnt in therapy so far and the advice I’ve had from users in this forum and I’ve worked this out myself. Sorry about that. Everyone.

I just want some help to help me challenge this and see it logically. Sometimes I get really stuck especially when it’s so distressing in nature. I’m sitting here with my notebook trying to solve what happened but I’d like someone to explain the rule thing again and help me see sense. I spoke to the perinatal team and told them I’m feeling pretty down. I don’t want to tell anyone that I’ve had dark thoughts in the past about myself because they will then section me and I’ll be in a hospital which in my experience and opinion are not nice places to be at all because I’ve seen it first hand with my own mum. @PolarBearcan usually explain the difference to me and help me see clarity when laying it out for me. That would be really helpful for me right now. @snowbear has also helped me which I’m grateful for. I just need someone to help me see this from an ocd perspective again so that I can get back to things. I’m

Hello. For some context OCD had been trying to get me all day, yesterday - telling me that head movements/ bending down near baby/lifting baby up in-front of me/tickling baby on his tummy with my face is bad because my face is near his nappy area or pointing in the same direction as his nappy area which is inappropriate. Which created a rule that any contact / association of face is bad near nappy area. Just to be clear this is while the baby is completely fully clothed and via normal interaction. Yesterday evening I refused to let the same thoughts get to me and I’m playing with husband and baby and swinging baby towards husband. We are all having the greatest time. I feel emotional even thinking about it now because it felt so nice. However on the last swing when baby gets to his dad, his dad tickles him with his face on his tummy whilst I’m holding the baby in a standing position in front of him. I can’t remember whether he was also going nom nom nom playfully on his tummy. This is completely normal. However for me.. ocd alarm bells ring in my head ? ‘Don’t move don’t move don’t move, if you move then his dads face could touch his nappy area and that’ll be inappropriate. I panic, and I’m scared - baby is wriggling away as he’s unsteady on his legs. My husband completely oblivious and just enjoying tickling his son on his tummy. Now I’m so scared because it all happened so quickly and I don’t know whether I did or didn’t move and I feel awful. I’ll never know for certain now. The likelihood is I didn’t move but I’ll never know for certain. Just to be clear, In the moment there was NO desire to intentionally do something bad, it was a fear of don’t move don’t move/ you’ll move, you’ll move and IF you do then husbands face could touch his nappy area which is inappropriate and you would have caused that - Which is what is causing me the anxiety. Is this a nonsense rule again? Am I giving this too much thought? Can someone help me challenge this particular moment please and help me see sense? Am I following a nonsense rule again? IF Face touches baby’s nappy area = abuse and inappropriate when that’s not the case? I’ve seen some people hold their babies up in the air and smell whether their baby has a dirty nappy by putting their face on the nappy area - I used to do this myself when baby was younger and before I got ocd. Im really scared and feel awful. I can’t look at the baby or my husband in the eyes today and have shut myself away in the bedroom. I’m looking for answers and feel like I’ve squeezed my eyes so tightly desperately trying to concentrate that they hurt. I love my baby. This is so heartbreaking it is painful and soul destroying.

Hi Lynz, Baby is 5 months old and I relapsed last year in November. I actually contacted the gp back in October time and told her I’m feeling very low due to dealing with the grief of losing my dad and finding it overwhelming to cope with things after the birth of my son. She suggested I speak to healthy minds - they did an assessment and asked me if I ever get intrusive thoughts about the baby, to which I replied no, thankfully because that would be distressing. Low and behold I start getting the intrusive thoughts the next day. Gp also referred me to the perinatal team. They did an assessment and said I should wait for CBT via healthy minds because they basically didn’t have capacity to take me on and also didn’t think I was severe enough which I think is unfair. They have, this week agreed for me to be under their care but the wait for a psychologist is still a while away. One of the perinatal nurse practitioners will support me until I can see the psychologist - apparently they’re trained to some degree in psych therapy as well. I have been paying for private therapy in the interim.

I’m really sorry I didn’t mean my comment to be offensive at all. I was being completely serious that I have appreciated all the help everyone has given me. when I wrote it I also thought I am forever grateful for their help. The last thing I wanted was to offend anyone - reading back, I can see that I should not have put goodbye at the end - that may cause distress to other sufferers. Again, I didn’t mean to cause any harm by my comment however I do appreciate how the goodbye at the end may have come across. No justification but I am going through immense pain and I strongly believe that I have done something wrong which may seem absurd to you but for me it’s as real as anything and it’s my greatest fear. You saying that I may have caused distress and guilt to other sufferers is causing me distress and guilt knowing that - I don’t want to cause other sufferers on here any distress at all. I’m sorry. I feel really bad now because I acted with my chimp brain when writing the post and I’m sorry. Currently trying not to cry in bed at your response caramoole because I’ll wake the baby up, sorry again everyone. I didn’t mean to sound like an unappreciative little brat who isn’t grateful for your help. I don’t want my comment to cause any harm and I’m now worried that someone may feel guilty because of my comment and that may cause them harm in which case it will be my fault. I’m so sorry, I don’t want anyone to feel guilty - please do not. I’m here and I will try and fight this. I’ll even stop coming on this forum if I have hurt anyone. I’m really worried and scared I’m going to contribute to someone feeling guilty and worse than they already feel - I don’t want that. That wasn’t my intention at all. Having heart palpitations right now because I don’t want to cause anyone guilt and distress and add to their suffering - no - it’s the last thing I want. I feel like an awful human being. Not trying to make this about ‘me’ but I just want everyone to understand I had no intention of causing anyone distress or guilt as per caramooles comment. Telling that to an ocd sufferer itself is terrifying because my theme is harm and so now I think I’m going to be a contributor to someone else’s distress, albeit you may have thought I deserved to know caramoole. Really sorry again everyone ?. Without eveyones help here I wouldn’t have got this far and it’s really important everyone knows that. I am forever grateful for your help. Many of you know how distressing ocd can get and I hope you can see that my comment was not meant to be offensive it was merely just a reflection of the amount of distress I was experiencing at the time. I had already done that yesterday evening and have asked for an appt sooner. I often say this out aloud to myself ‘it’s a lie, this is all a lie’ because I remember you saying that to me before. In a calmer state I have realised that actually touching my own baby whilst trying to pick him up is not bad. It’s my mind that thinks it’s bad. I could touch him anywhere and it wouldn’t be bad. Sorry polarbear. I feel like I’ve let everybody down as per caramooles comment ( I know you always have good intentions caramoole and are only trying to help me and other sufferers on here). Again, please know my comment was not intended to offend anyone or cause any distress or guilt - I’m so sorry, I feel so guilty I may have caused those feelings for some of you. I need to go to the bathroom to let out my cry. I’m so sorry again, it’s the last thing I wanted. I’ve expressed how grateful I am for everyone that’s helped me in the past and that is still the case - i have come this far because of everyone else on this forum who has helped me more than I deserve now after my comment. Sorry, again. I know apologising can’t take away my words but I truly am sorry. If someone can delete my comment please that would be helpful to stop anyone from getting distressed when they read it. 4am so sorry for any spelling mistakes.

I disagree it feels as though this is getting worse and worse and it’s now screaming at me to do these bad things and I’m doing them. It bullied me today and it bullied me this evening the last time I was about to hold my baby. You’re going to do the bad thing, you’re going to do the bad thing, you’re going to do the bad thing and I go ahead and still pick my son up and feel my thumb move on his waist and that’s it I did the bad thing. do people get ocd attacks like this where it is literally screaming intrusive thoughts like this? It’s horrendous. I hate it. I feel so sad and disappointed - I should have been more careful but I got so fed up and didn’t re adjust my hands and I did the bad thing - I shouldn’t have put my thumb there and I did, I should have been more careful and picked him up under the arms I guess instead of the waist area.

Thanks all. @ocdjonesy Thank you for this - it’s really relatable and you are right I am the guy lying on the floor who’s been shot. I’m really trying I am, I just don’t know how long I can go on for - it feels like I’m also going to die very soon and these things are still going to be unknown to me. This thing has been SO cruel to me all day - egging me on, telling me I’m going to do something bad I’m going to do something bad - it’s nasty, I never want to do anything bad. I’m in a flood of tears right now, the baby is crying in the cot as I just can’t hold him (his dad is around don’t worry). I go downstairs and the ocd is screaming at me telling me not to hold the baby, don’t go near him because this time I will do something bad like touch his nappy area ect and it’s bullying me. I pluck the courage to pick my baby up, scared to touch him and as I pick him up I notice my thumb slide up his waist tummy area and that’s it - I’ve done it - I’ve done the bad thing. I did it. I should have been more careful. It was telling me you’re going to do the bad thing you’re going to do the bad thing and I did it. I feel awful and want to leave the house to end things - I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t. I feel horrified. I still remember the sensation on my thumb when I picked the baby up. I should have been more careful. It was telling me it was wrong it was telling me I’m going to do the bad thing and I went and done it which makes it even more real for me because it was egging me on and told me I’m going to do the bad thing and I did it. Thank you to everyone who’s helped me on here, I really appreciate it. Goodbye

Thanks @snowbear - It’s just that in that very moment all I’m thinking about is my thumb - I’m fixated on it. So fixated on it I can’t even remember what my husband was talking about at that time. But not fixated enough to remember if I did or didn’t move it intentionally in the process of the transition. It’s bizarre. It all boils down to one thing which is for me Moving my thumb is bad because I am touching a forbidden part of someone else’s body so I shouldn’t move my thumb. That is the fear which is what triggers the ocd off. It’s very black and white thinking. Whereas I need to recognise that this rule and an actual harmful action are very different things but then my mind tells me that anything is harmful or wrong if you’re touching that area of someone’s body. Especially if you’ve no reason to move your thumb and move it. However then I think well the only reason I even think of my thumb moving is because of my stupid rule so where does that leave me ? It’s like the ocd screams at me and says Ma - you moved your thumb on that area regardless of the intention it’s a bad thing to do so you’re a bad person who’s done a bad thing. I can’t even prepare for these rules because they are so hard to avoid. My hand is going to touch baby’s nappy area or bottom - rule is then Close to being broken because ocd is triggered which can cause an ocd response which could be an intrusive thought or a minor movement such as moving thumb but not because i am trying to cause harm just because ocd is fixated on it. It’s just a visions cycle and I really struggle to understand it from a logical perspective. Am I explaining this properly? So the next time this happens and there is a nonsense rule which is not harmful, I should go ahead and just do it? Are you sure this is the right approach to adopt ? I assume my anxiety will spike at the beginning wont it? is this what you did to overcome you’re ocd in the past if you don’t mind me asking? You don’t have to answer that of course. It’s just so scary trusting the process.

I am getting myself into a pickle about the above. Can someone pls shed some light.

Hello. I don’t understand - how bad does ocd have to get before it gets better? Im really trying, I swear I’m really trying but every time I try - something else happens and then I regret trying. Then I get stuck because I don’t plan for these things to happen in the moment and I don’t know how I can get away from it. I’m stuck can someone explain this one to me from an ocd perspective please? I’ll give it a go as well. Im holding baby and about to give him over to his dad. I pass baby to his dad. Mid transition ocd is triggered because I notice my thumb is on the baby’s nappy area (naturally). I get panicky and anxious and all I can think about is my thumb - scared that it’s going to move. Once transition is over which only lasted less than a few seconds, I can’t remember if I moved my thumb in the heat of the moment or if I didn’t. I can’t remember what exactly happened. I know there was NO bad intention there and the only reason I even noticed was because of the ocd. Is this the same thing as what’s happened to me before? I make a rule - moving thumb is bad especially if it’s on nappy area. Ocd gets triggered every time my thumb or finger is near or on his nappy area whilst I am caring for him. My anxiety rises. I get really fixated on my thumb moving because if it does or if I move my thumb that must mean I’m a bad person. I get worried I may have moved my thumb but even if I did, its only because of the ocd and nothing else so It’s meaningless. So I treat the action of moving my thumb like an intrusive thought - dismiss it and not think I’ve done a bad thing? If my thumb was on the baby’s arm and the same thing happened, I wouldn’t be so upset about it so why am I upset about this? I should apply the same logic to this area shouldn’t I? But I can’t because I think that area is forbidden. Is this how I’m supposed to look at it? I get so stuck and confused sometimes and just need some help. I guess I get stuck because for me - any movement is bad because it’s on that area. Can someone please help me? Please don’t say no because I’m asking for insight into what is going on. I genuinely need a but if support. I’ve tried really hard today and I’m still trying of course but I just need someone to help me understand what’s going on again as sometimes I find it hard to see. I’m sure those of you who have been following my journey can see that I come here less and less to ask for help but sometimes that little support can help someone see the light. Thanks

Hello, Keen to know everyone’s take on OCD sufferers like me making self fulfilling prophecies / rules for themselves. These prophecies that are SO hard not to do and therefore we are actually setting ourselves up for failure. Furthermore contributing to the negative impact ocd can have on us because of the belief we put in these rules ect. Mostly talking about myself here and not assuming everyone with ocd does this. I had never heard of the term in an ocd context but when i read about it , it makes sense. I’ve decided myself that I must not do the following when I’m with the baby and if I do then that makes me a bad person :— • Move my hips • Flinch a muscle •Twitch • Breath a certain way • Move if the baby is on my chest • My hands must not move when I’m holding the baby around his nappy area or bottom • I must stay completely still Anyone is around me and I must not dare move These are just some examples. Can anyone relate to this? This morning I got up to do my babys feed and was paranoid about my hips moving and what happens, as soon as I give the baby his bottle, my hips move. The baby falls asleep whilst I’m burping him and he’s on my chest. Ocd draws attention to his nappy area and any movement on my tummy is bad such as breathing in and out - a muscle flinch, all while I’m sitting there thinking I don’t care he’s my son, I’m not doing him any harm - trying to be anti ocd - I don’t care if my tummy moves I don’t care if my muscle flinches ect. However later I then feel bad for these tiny tiny actions but the thing is it’s my ocd that’s triggering everything off. Make sense?

@Caramooleyou sound like you think I have done something bad

I can’t cope any longer with this. Again - I’m lying down on sofa with my feet glued to the back cushion so that they can’t touch anything. Then my husband sits on the sofa at the end with the baby in his lap. My left foot is under my husbands bottom. OCD gets triggered and reminds me of the time when I got worried I wriggled my toes and they touched the baby. From this moment on all I’m focused on his my toes - telling myself they’re no where even near the baby, my foot is under my husbands bottom - he is sitting on my foot so it’s impossible for me to wriggle my toes and also touch baby by wriggling them ect. I’m fixated on my toes - picking up every sensation and then I may have or may not have wriggled my toes just because I’m thinking about it so much. Then OCD comes in and tells me you might know right now that it’s impossible to have touched the baby by wriggling your toes but soon the doubt will set in and you’ll start thinking but what if what if what if ect. Now I’m panicking and in tears because I’m scared I’ve done something awful. Im so sick of this

Eat till your hearts content my friend don’t let the bully called ocd stop you.

Sorry everyone I don’t want anyone to answer my question as it will be never ending. I can think of multiple re assurances I want from everyone froM this morning alone - why did mY hand touch his bottom why did the last hip rock feel different when I was rocking him to sleep ect - it’s just never ending. I need to fight this thing and just remind myself I’m a good person contrary to what ocd wants me to believe. It’s not the actions I’m doing it’s the belief I’m putting in the ocd.

I’m sorry @Caramoole, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for all of you at that time. Im grateful for all the support available. I can’t get over why my thumb moved and I feel like an awful person - I should never of allowed it to happen, I don’t know what happened to me in the moment. I’m so scared that I’ve failed my son. I don’t know whether it was the the thoughts or my thumb moving that’s caused me all this anxiety - I think it was the latter. Can someone just help me see what’s happened here please? I’m dreading the day, I don’t want to be here. My baby is talking to himself in his cot right now every time I hear him my heart breaks because I feel like I’ve failed him as a mother. He’s so gorgeous and I love him to bits, I just can’t forgive myself this time. Please can someone help me see sense. Holding baby > thoughts but can’t recall what they were > thumb moved > anxiety / guilt / anxiety. Mama’s brain post this: what was I thinking at the time > why did my thumb move > did I move it on purpose > was it because I was fed up > was it for a bad reason > how could I do that to my baby > I need to know what I was thinking at the time because what if I was thinking xyz > I love my baby how could I move my thumb > I feel awful > I’m a monster. Please can someone help me.

World

Hello, Yes. No matter how much ruminating we do it doesn’t feel like enough and if it does then that only lasts a short time until the doubt sets in again and in which case we start to carry out the compulsion again. It’s never ending. Ocd can impact someone is different ways. If you’re concerned it’s impacting your appetite and you may be depressed then definitely speak to your gp or therapist. You mention doubt a lot - which is a classic characteristic of ocd. Ocd can make someone feel a number of different ways! We can have doubt about anything, including whether or not we even have ocd.

Just be honest about your own symptoms - that’s all anyone can do. Don’t worry about whether it sounds like xyz on the internet. If you try to filter it, for various reasons it’s not going to be a true reflection of your symptoms . Write a list of your symptoms and talk the therapist through them :).

Hey @Kcbell92, Sorry you’re going through a rough patch at the moment - I don’t have a lot of advice apart from maybe try to focus your attention to something else right now. Watch a movie / Tv / do some reading - anything to take your mind of this. It feels like you’re in crisis mode ( I know very well what that feels like) and it may do you good to focus on something else. Once you have and you feel calmer, you may see this worry of yours from a different perspective. Best of luck

Thank you for your advice everyone who’s commented above. I need help - I don’t know what help I need. I know my obsessions may seem absolutely crazy to some of you but they are completely real to me and all of them are distressing. They make me feel like a monster. They make me feel like I’d be better of not here. I feel like a rubbish mum and wife. I have no purpose anymore. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a blob that’s no good. My name should be no good. I don’t mean to offend anyone and hate talking politics but for those of you horrified about the situation in Ukraine (as am I), I feel like I’m on the ‘Putin bad’ level of bad people in this world. ‘Stop this self sabotaging talk’, I hear snow bear / polar bear and caramoole say but it’s how I feel. My own therapist thinks I am creating a self fulfilling prophecy by having all these nonsense rules as to what is classed as ‘bad’ / ‘ inappropriate and therefore I am setting myself up for failure without even seeing it. Every move I make, every finger movement, every breath, every muscle flinch, every sensation, every word I utter, ever eye movement, every sniff, every step, everything. Everything I do with my baby, everything I don’t do with my baby is classed as bad and inappropriate. It’s gotten to the point where I feel physically ill from it all and I feel disoriented at times. It’s like my mind is too exhausted to see any sense. I don’t write these posts lightly, nowadays I need the energy to do even this. I’m sick of it, I’m sick of everything. I can’t go on like this. This is no way to live. My worry about my thumb may seem nonsense to you all but it’s not to me who believes that any hand movement whilst holding baby can be seen as ‘harm’. I’m finding it so hard to dissect what happened. I was getting intrusive thoughts whilst walking down the driveway with him or feeling anxious > thumb moved > anxiety set in. I’m worried that a thought may have been ‘I’m so fed up with you crying, I’m just going to move my thumb’ and then I DO move my thumb. However the issue is a) I don’t remember the thoughts and b) it wasn’t the thoughts that caused me anxiety it was the fact that my thumb moved so I can’t make sense of what I’m more concerned about the thoughts or the thumb moving. Does it even matter because the reason i would have got the thought ANYWAY is because of the OCD however then it’s like well if I truly believe it’s harmful what type of person does that make me - allowing myself to move my thumb? It’s like someone reading this could think, tapping my sisters shoulder with one finger is harmful and then get annoyed at their sister during an interaction and do tap there shoulder with their forefinger - this isn’t right? I’m holding my baby and have to get through a tight space so naturally I have to squeeze past with the baby and feel his feet touch my groin area as I’m squeezing past. I’m sucking my stomach in and on my tip toes as a natural reaction to get through the tight space but then my mind tells me I may have gone even higher on my tip toes which is bad because his feet were already touching groin and I shouldn’t allow that. I hate it. However I don’t understand how much more careful I can be because it all happens so quickly, what am I doing wrong - I’m definitely anxious when it happens and I hate the feeling the sensations all of it and feel disgusted. I kiss my baby on the cheek and feel bad for it. I move a teddy from my baby to stop it from falling and notice that the teddy’s face touches his nappy area whilst I move it and I think that’s so rude and awful because it’s a rude gesture and I’ve done something awful. The thought comes in at the SAME time as I move it and it makes me feel worse. I beat myself up because I should have been more careful, I shouldn’t have let this happen. These are the types of things I have to deal with - why does nobody understand how distressing they are. How can I forgive myself for the thumb, the teddy, the tip toes - I can’t see sense. Do I just dismiss all of these examples above as OCD and refuse to make sense of it all? I’m not brave enough to do it because I don’t want my son to have an awful mother and I don’t want my husband to have an awful wife or my mum to have an awful daughter. How unfair on them all. I feel terrible.

Hey JenJen, I’m my opinion, it would be a good idea to raise this with your psychiatrist. You are well within your rights to tell him that you think you may be suffering from OCD due to these symptoms and ask him to explore this with you further. A good Psychiatrist would take this seriously and explore this further with their patient so don’t be afraid as the outcome will be good either way. By this I mean, If he acknowledges and explores it further with you then great and if he refuses too then you can get a second opinion and may find a better mental health expert suited for your needs. That’s just what I think. Best of luck

I just can’t explain it. Ocd screams at me about my hand placement whenever I hold the baby. So this evening ocd had been telling me that whenever my hand moved whilst holding the baby that it’s ‘bad’ it has also been screaming ‘don’t touch baby’s nappy area when you hold him’. So in this example I’ve given in my previous post of my thumb moving - I feel awful however in actual reality I need to realise the following:- There is nothing wrong with moving my thumb on my baby’s tummy or side. It’s the meaning I am attaching to it as being inappropriate which is why I feel so awful afterwards. So if I do move my thumb I feel like its awful because I believe it’s a bad movement. I feel like I’ve done an inappropriate thing and then the ocd makes it worse by convincing me that I must have had a bad intention when actually it’s only because of the meaning or belief I’m attaching to my hand / thumb moving causing the ocd to try and convince me. When In actual fact moving my thumb isn’t bad. Ocd - moving your thumb/ hand whenever holding baby is bad = Me attaching belief/meaning to this > any movement whether intentional or not = bad and inappropriate > making me feel like I’ve done an awful thing and that my motive was inappropriate however that’s only because of the belief/meaning i am attaching to the ocd nonsense. Does this make sense? Thanks.

My thumb moving is a problem. My hands shouldn’t just move when I’m holding the baby, it’s rude and inappropriate- I hate it. I don’t know why the hell my thumb moved. What if I did this in the moment and wasn’t thinking straight? I don’t get it. I’m an awful person. awful awful awful. I don’t deserve to live.