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Ma29

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Everything posted by Ma29

  1. @Caramooleyou sound like you think I have done something bad
  2. I can’t cope any longer with this. Again - I’m lying down on sofa with my feet glued to the back cushion so that they can’t touch anything. Then my husband sits on the sofa at the end with the baby in his lap. My left foot is under my husbands bottom. OCD gets triggered and reminds me of the time when I got worried I wriggled my toes and they touched the baby. From this moment on all I’m focused on his my toes - telling myself they’re no where even near the baby, my foot is under my husbands bottom - he is sitting on my foot so it’s impossible for me to wriggle my toes and also touch baby by wriggling them ect. I’m fixated on my toes - picking up every sensation and then I may have or may not have wriggled my toes just because I’m thinking about it so much. Then OCD comes in and tells me you might know right now that it’s impossible to have touched the baby by wriggling your toes but soon the doubt will set in and you’ll start thinking but what if what if what if ect. Now I’m panicking and in tears because I’m scared I’ve done something awful. Im so sick of this
  3. Eat till your hearts content my friend don’t let the bully called ocd stop you.
  4. Sorry everyone I don’t want anyone to answer my question as it will be never ending. I can think of multiple re assurances I want from everyone froM this morning alone - why did mY hand touch his bottom why did the last hip rock feel different when I was rocking him to sleep ect - it’s just never ending. I need to fight this thing and just remind myself I’m a good person contrary to what ocd wants me to believe. It’s not the actions I’m doing it’s the belief I’m putting in the ocd.
  5. I’m sorry @Caramoole, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for all of you at that time. Im grateful for all the support available. I can’t get over why my thumb moved and I feel like an awful person - I should never of allowed it to happen, I don’t know what happened to me in the moment. I’m so scared that I’ve failed my son. I don’t know whether it was the the thoughts or my thumb moving that’s caused me all this anxiety - I think it was the latter. Can someone just help me see what’s happened here please? I’m dreading the day, I don’t want to be here. My baby is talking to himself in his cot right now every time I hear him my heart breaks because I feel like I’ve failed him as a mother. He’s so gorgeous and I love him to bits, I just can’t forgive myself this time. Please can someone help me see sense. Holding baby > thoughts but can’t recall what they were > thumb moved > anxiety / guilt / anxiety. Mama’s brain post this: what was I thinking at the time > why did my thumb move > did I move it on purpose > was it because I was fed up > was it for a bad reason > how could I do that to my baby > I need to know what I was thinking at the time because what if I was thinking xyz > I love my baby how could I move my thumb > I feel awful > I’m a monster. Please can someone help me.
  6. Hello, Yes. No matter how much ruminating we do it doesn’t feel like enough and if it does then that only lasts a short time until the doubt sets in again and in which case we start to carry out the compulsion again. It’s never ending. Ocd can impact someone is different ways. If you’re concerned it’s impacting your appetite and you may be depressed then definitely speak to your gp or therapist. You mention doubt a lot - which is a classic characteristic of ocd. Ocd can make someone feel a number of different ways! We can have doubt about anything, including whether or not we even have ocd.
  7. Just be honest about your own symptoms - that’s all anyone can do. Don’t worry about whether it sounds like xyz on the internet. If you try to filter it, for various reasons it’s not going to be a true reflection of your symptoms . Write a list of your symptoms and talk the therapist through them :).
  8. Hey @Kcbell92, Sorry you’re going through a rough patch at the moment - I don’t have a lot of advice apart from maybe try to focus your attention to something else right now. Watch a movie / Tv / do some reading - anything to take your mind of this. It feels like you’re in crisis mode ( I know very well what that feels like) and it may do you good to focus on something else. Once you have and you feel calmer, you may see this worry of yours from a different perspective. Best of luck
  9. Thank you for your advice everyone who’s commented above. I need help - I don’t know what help I need. I know my obsessions may seem absolutely crazy to some of you but they are completely real to me and all of them are distressing. They make me feel like a monster. They make me feel like I’d be better of not here. I feel like a rubbish mum and wife. I have no purpose anymore. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a blob that’s no good. My name should be no good. I don’t mean to offend anyone and hate talking politics but for those of you horrified about the situation in Ukraine (as am I), I feel like I’m on the ‘Putin bad’ level of bad people in this world. ‘Stop this self sabotaging talk’, I hear snow bear / polar bear and caramoole say but it’s how I feel. My own therapist thinks I am creating a self fulfilling prophecy by having all these nonsense rules as to what is classed as ‘bad’ / ‘ inappropriate and therefore I am setting myself up for failure without even seeing it. Every move I make, every finger movement, every breath, every muscle flinch, every sensation, every word I utter, ever eye movement, every sniff, every step, everything. Everything I do with my baby, everything I don’t do with my baby is classed as bad and inappropriate. It’s gotten to the point where I feel physically ill from it all and I feel disoriented at times. It’s like my mind is too exhausted to see any sense. I don’t write these posts lightly, nowadays I need the energy to do even this. I’m sick of it, I’m sick of everything. I can’t go on like this. This is no way to live. My worry about my thumb may seem nonsense to you all but it’s not to me who believes that any hand movement whilst holding baby can be seen as ‘harm’. I’m finding it so hard to dissect what happened. I was getting intrusive thoughts whilst walking down the driveway with him or feeling anxious > thumb moved > anxiety set in. I’m worried that a thought may have been ‘I’m so fed up with you crying, I’m just going to move my thumb’ and then I DO move my thumb. However the issue is a) I don’t remember the thoughts and b) it wasn’t the thoughts that caused me anxiety it was the fact that my thumb moved so I can’t make sense of what I’m more concerned about the thoughts or the thumb moving. Does it even matter because the reason i would have got the thought ANYWAY is because of the OCD however then it’s like well if I truly believe it’s harmful what type of person does that make me - allowing myself to move my thumb? It’s like someone reading this could think, tapping my sisters shoulder with one finger is harmful and then get annoyed at their sister during an interaction and do tap there shoulder with their forefinger - this isn’t right? I’m holding my baby and have to get through a tight space so naturally I have to squeeze past with the baby and feel his feet touch my groin area as I’m squeezing past. I’m sucking my stomach in and on my tip toes as a natural reaction to get through the tight space but then my mind tells me I may have gone even higher on my tip toes which is bad because his feet were already touching groin and I shouldn’t allow that. I hate it. However I don’t understand how much more careful I can be because it all happens so quickly, what am I doing wrong - I’m definitely anxious when it happens and I hate the feeling the sensations all of it and feel disgusted. I kiss my baby on the cheek and feel bad for it. I move a teddy from my baby to stop it from falling and notice that the teddy’s face touches his nappy area whilst I move it and I think that’s so rude and awful because it’s a rude gesture and I’ve done something awful. The thought comes in at the SAME time as I move it and it makes me feel worse. I beat myself up because I should have been more careful, I shouldn’t have let this happen. These are the types of things I have to deal with - why does nobody understand how distressing they are. How can I forgive myself for the thumb, the teddy, the tip toes - I can’t see sense. Do I just dismiss all of these examples above as OCD and refuse to make sense of it all? I’m not brave enough to do it because I don’t want my son to have an awful mother and I don’t want my husband to have an awful wife or my mum to have an awful daughter. How unfair on them all. I feel terrible.
  10. Hey JenJen, I’m my opinion, it would be a good idea to raise this with your psychiatrist. You are well within your rights to tell him that you think you may be suffering from OCD due to these symptoms and ask him to explore this with you further. A good Psychiatrist would take this seriously and explore this further with their patient so don’t be afraid as the outcome will be good either way. By this I mean, If he acknowledges and explores it further with you then great and if he refuses too then you can get a second opinion and may find a better mental health expert suited for your needs. That’s just what I think. Best of luck
  11. I just can’t explain it. Ocd screams at me about my hand placement whenever I hold the baby. So this evening ocd had been telling me that whenever my hand moved whilst holding the baby that it’s ‘bad’ it has also been screaming ‘don’t touch baby’s nappy area when you hold him’. So in this example I’ve given in my previous post of my thumb moving - I feel awful however in actual reality I need to realise the following:- There is nothing wrong with moving my thumb on my baby’s tummy or side. It’s the meaning I am attaching to it as being inappropriate which is why I feel so awful afterwards. So if I do move my thumb I feel like its awful because I believe it’s a bad movement. I feel like I’ve done an inappropriate thing and then the ocd makes it worse by convincing me that I must have had a bad intention when actually it’s only because of the meaning or belief I’m attaching to my hand / thumb moving causing the ocd to try and convince me. When In actual fact moving my thumb isn’t bad. Ocd - moving your thumb/ hand whenever holding baby is bad = Me attaching belief/meaning to this > any movement whether intentional or not = bad and inappropriate > making me feel like I’ve done an awful thing and that my motive was inappropriate however that’s only because of the belief/meaning i am attaching to the ocd nonsense. Does this make sense? Thanks.
  12. My thumb moving is a problem. My hands shouldn’t just move when I’m holding the baby, it’s rude and inappropriate- I hate it. I don’t know why the hell my thumb moved. What if I did this in the moment and wasn’t thinking straight? I don’t get it. I’m an awful person. awful awful awful. I don’t deserve to live.
  13. I just can’t take it anymore. I’m fed up. Maybe I should just admit I’m no good for my baby and leave it like that. He deserves someone better than me. I’m a rubbish mum. Why does it feel like I’m doing bad things - I hate it. We went out today and every time I take him out the car seat / hold him the ocd is telling me to watch my hands and so I do and make sure I’m really cautious when I hold him because I don’t want my hands to go anywhere asides from his top half. Then we arrive home and I take him out the car, same thing - ocd is screaming, watch your hand placement. Then I’m walking down the drive and a thousand thoughts racing through my head about loads of different things (mostly ocd centred) and all of a sudden I feel my thumb move. I was holding him on my right shoulder, and my hands were supporting him one on his back and one under his arm / tummy side ect. I felt my thumb move down and that’s it I’m not sure what the hell happened and why I did that. Then it makes me feel as though I did it on purpose or intentionally but I don’t understand why I’d do that and now I feel absolutely awful. Why did my thumb move - what was I thinking - why - I feel horrified. I don’t know what happened and it’s making me think I’ve done an awful thing. I feel awful. I don’t want to be here anymore. I tried to push myself so much today and the day ends worse than it started when I didn’t even think that was possible when I woke up. I’m so scared and horrified like I’ve done an awful awful thing. I can’t bear it - I feel disgusted. What if subconsciously I was having ocd thoughts and my thumb moved? I don’t remember having a genuine motive to move my thumb though. So why did it move or why did I move it? I’ll never ever know now - and I’ll have to live with this guilt of not knowing. It matters to me because I don’t want to live my life thinking I may have done something awful. I just can’t. When my thumb moved it also moved down as opposed to up and that scares me EVEN more. What is going on. Can someone please help me - I don’t want to get into a bad spiral again, I won’t be able to take it.
  14. Hello. This is going to sound really stupid but bear with me. As most of you know I have been suffering from severe intrusive thoughts which have been debilitating as they’ve left me unable to fully care for my baby. The thoughts started off as making me feel like normal actions were bad. I’m now slowly getting past this and fighting the thoughts - it’s still really hard but it’s impacting me less. Now the stupid part and I’m going to try my best to explain this as simply as possible. When I’m with the baby, it feels like ocd is somehow making associations with anything it can think off and then it makes me feel like a bad person. For example - Thinking baby’s legs are chubby is bad > touching baby’s leg is bad > makes me feel like a bad person. Another example - Baby crying, his mouth wide open because he’s screaming - Ocd intrusive thoughts start about the inside of baby’s mouth (I don’t even know what the hell it’s trying to achieve here, almost like there were no intrusive thoughts apart from ‘it’s bad’) - leaving me fixated on baby’s mouth whilst he’s bawling his eyes out trying to make sense of what’s going on, whilst his dads changing him, > he’s really irritable and so I just give him a kiss on his cheek to soothe him (what I would think is a normal thing to do) but then when I kiss his cheek I feel a tiny bit of his lip because his face is so small and probably because he was wriggling > now I feel bad > because I was having the intrusive thoughts about the inside of his mouth (unable to make out what the hell these were exactly ) and then I kiss him on his cheek but feel a part of his lip and then feel bad for it. Then it makes me feel as though I did a bad thing. I don’t know why I kissed him, I didn’t think about it to be honest - should I need a reason to kiss my baby on the cheek? Should I think of a reason before hand? equally I didn’t do this with a bad intention but the association ocd is making with the thought and action is trying to make me think otherwise - it’s so nasty I hate it. Have I done something bad? I keep thinking about what the hell was happening at the time and I can’t make sense of it. I wish I had never kissed him on his cheek. Can ocd work like this ? Can someone help me with the cheek example please? I’m trying to make sense of it.
  15. I’m so fed up of this. Sometimes I wonder whether it’s better if I’m not here because I feel like I’m doing awful things. Can someone please break the above post down for me - I need a little push as I’m really struggling.
  16. Recognise that you have an illness called ocd. That’s all you need to know. You will have dips, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed - it’s part of the process. I’m going through this myself, I know how hard it is. If you had a physical illness like appendicitis, would you feel as though you’ve failed everyone? No… and this type of illness called ocd isn’t any different. Keep going, you will get through this. Best of luck.
  17. Hi Everyone. Im struggling - I’ve been crying in bed because I’m so sad and dissappinted in myself. I feel like I’m letting my baby down. Can someone please help me with this recent intrusive thought. Yesterday when I was changing baby’s nappy I felt his legs and noticed they’re chubby and fat but then the ocd comes in and tells me that’s bad because I shouldn’t feel like they’re chubby and fat and I shouldn’t think it’s nice. I’m not sure what’s happening but this is honestly what happens. It sounds so stupid but this is what this demon does. Now every time I change him, the ocd reminds me of the same thing. This morning I get up and do his morning nappy, and as soon as his baby grow comes off the ocd comes in reminding me of the same thing and screams at me to tell me it’s wrong. At the same time I’m trying to justify that it’s ok to my husband and I’m saying ‘his legs are so chubby and fat aren’t they, it’s so cute ‘ ect. Then I feel my right hand touch his leg just above the knee and that’s it I’m out. Panic / anxiety ect. I feel awful. I can’t explain it - the best way I can explain it is :- I notice a normal thing, baby’s legs are chubby which is cute > ocd turns this into a bad thing > ocd latches onto this > each time I do change baby, this triggers the ocd > ocd visits again and tells me it’s a bad thing > anything related to touching his legs now becomes bad too. Whilst I was changing him the only thing that was going through my head was ‘it’s bad to think his legs feel chubby and fat’ and then I don’t know why but I notice my hand / thumb touching just above his knee and I feel awful. The following thinga are going through my mind again and again and it’s making me really dizzy. - You shouldn’t have touched his leg if you knew it’s bad / why did you touch his leg / did you intentionally touch his leg / you should have been more careful / why weren’t you paying attention / you’re a bad person / but why did your hand touch his leg. I don’t remember having any bad intention when it happened all I was thinking about was the ocd telling me the chubby fat thing is bad and then my hand touched his leg. I feel awful because I should have been more careful. How could I let this happen. What if I did touch his leg on purpose. I feel awful. Then I can’t remember if in that moment ocd told me it’s bad and told me to touch his leg and so I touched it but I don’t want to think that’s true because that’s awful. Im so scared and struggling so much. I love my baby and don’t want to be apart from him but how can I forgive myself for this now? Please can someone help me with this. Thanks
  18. Hello Everyone. I thought I’d come on here and give an update but also get some advice. Update It’s Friday tomorrow and I’m pleased to say that I have spent everyday with my baby. I’ve been doing the nappy changes / milk feeds / solid food feeds / outfit changes / settling him down for naps / going for walks / playing with him ect. I’m getting the intrusive thoughts what feels like every minute, so me thoughts tend to stick around longer than others. Compulsion wise - I have cut down significantly ( very little rumination / re assurance seeking / avoidance going on). However for the thoughts that stick around longer there is a tendency for me to write ‘what happened’ due to a fear that ocd will make me think otherwise later on so I need something to help me remember. My mood is unpredictable and I think this might go hand in hand with the intrusive thoughts but I can’t tell. Sometimes it feels as though I’m just depressed. My setraline has been increased to 150mg this week. I know I’ve made progress and I’m trying but I just feel so down and sad. I’m fed up of these thoughts and im fed up of the what ifs. How can I keep going until things improve - it’s SO hard. Thanks for reading
  19. Hey Rosie, Sorry you feel like this, it sounds tough. Like Saffron said, you deserve kindness, love and appreciation and shouldn’t settle for anything less. It may not seem like it at the moment but things will work out and your heart will go from this ? to this again, regardless of what happens - you’re in control of your own happiness, you got this ! Maybe do something nice for yourself to allow you to focus on something else. Best of luck
  20. Hey Thomas, I believe you’ve mentioned something very similar in your previous posts so it may be helpful for you to refer to these and apply any useful advice you’ve received
  21. I am exhausted mentally and physically but I wanted to let you guys know what happened today. I spent half the day with the baby today - on my own. These are some of the things that I achieved during this time. - Morning cuddles w/baby - Changed baby’s nappy - Did all of baby’s feeds - Settled baby for his naps -Held baby during his naps (more for me to get comfortable holding him again). - Kindly declined help from my mum who would have taken care of the baby from 9-1pm. This allowed her to have some time to herself. My husband was also able to fully focus on his work. The day was really very challenging. It was filled with highs and lows. OCD was attacking me from all different angles and I found it really challenging at times however I tried my best not to engage. I noticed there were moments where I did engage in compulsions but also moments when I was able to resist. The former allowed me to recognise where I need to put in the extra work. The latter allowed me to recognise the impact compulsions have by feeding these these intrusive thoughts. I found that listening to music helped me tremendously, it kept me distracted especially when I was soothing the baby and having to rock him. I also found that taking a moment to just go to the window and admire the outdoors really helped - it was therapeutic looking at the trees and the hills in the distance. I found it really comforting. Asides from the anxiety, it felt amazing to be able to spend time with my boy. I loved being able to care for him and show him love. I could sense how much he has missed me and how pleased he was to be with me. We had some beautiful moments. I loved adoring him whilst he slept in my arms, I loved being the first person he saw when he woke up from his naps and making him smile. These moments felt like medicine for my heart and soul - my road to recovery is work in progress and there is a lot of healing that needs to happen to help me with this. I hope these beautiful moments will help me heal and also help me realise that I’m still the same Ma and I can still live a happy life with my family and be the mother,wife,daughter and sister and aunty I was before this relapse, as that’s all that matters to me. Tomorrow is a new day and another opportunity for me to make beautiful memories with the expectation that ocd will pay me multiple visits during the day however I must not give in. Onwards.
  22. Hello - I was just checking out some of the online resources via ocd-uk after caramoole me there and came across this page relating to self help :- https://www.ocduk.org/overcoming-ocd/self-help/ I didn’t know this existed so wanted to bring it to everyone’s attention as I’ve come across quite a few posts where people have expressed that they are not getting help quick enough due to barriers within the NHS . Obviously this shouldn’t be the case and people are often unsure what to do in the interim. This link about talks about the self help resources available to everyone and may be a good place for people to start if they’d like to attempt to learn more about ocd and overcoming it.
  23. @Caramooleis that when someone says something along the lines of ‘yeh so what if I had that thought - I don’t care, ocd - maybe you’re right but maybe you’re not - we will never know’ to go against what ocd is trying to achieve eg make you feel like a bad person?
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