Wanderer

Hello, Sorry to hear you're suffering. I've been there and I know how distressing it is. Ruminating on the past, trying to figure things out, having extreme guilt over things that happened years ago and not being able to let it go, is all part of OCD. The trick is to do what you can stop ruminating on it. If you're OCD says, you don't deserve to do XYZ because of your past, then do it. Years ago I was an absolute wreck with guilt from things I did as a child. It comes back sometimes. BUt I took a leap of faith and decided to stop engaging with it. I don't really care about those things anymore. Hope you feel better soon.

Thanks Snowbear. Makes sense. I think it's just the fact that I've never really had a proper therapy session, with a professional, and my approach is just what I've learned from forums and online guidance etc. And trial and error! haha. I just tend to force myself to not get involved and carry on as normal, and avoid it basically... Given the existential theme, when it flares up, I'm always thinking "this time is different... how could you have forgotten?!". But I suppose I did, which means I can again. I wouldn't say it gets easier every time, but the knowledge that I have been happy and this hasn't worried me at various points, proves it can be done. I shall aim to be a wise old person with a wonderfully long beard and a cane! (I would actually really like that.. can't grow a proper beard though. Shame).

So my lovely old existential themes have flared up the last couple of days, feeling quite panicky. Determined to just not get involved with it (loads of intrusive thoughts flying in even as I type this...). I normally just try and lose myself in a book or videos or whatever. What's the line between avoidance and actually doing what I'm supposed to do? I wonder this because, I've had this theme years and it keeps coming back every now and then... and I think I'm obviously not dealing with it. I think this time I feel a bit better because I know I've gone periods before where I forget about it and enjoy life, relatively. Any advice? Just trying to carry on my day as I normally would and stop myself ruminating. Hard though! Kind of want to crack this once and for all this time.

You're 25. Basically still a kid. You've got everything in your hands. I know it's hard with OCD, but there's no reason why you can't complete an MA (I completed an MA with OCD) and have the career you want. Make a start today, in a year's time, things can be hugely different. Your family love you unconditionally. Trust me, they just do. Nobody is ashamed of you. So drop that, it's not productive Make a start today, whatever your OCD says, do the damned opposite.

Really struggling today. Feel certain that I did something terrible. About 20 minutes after it happened I was sure I did what I feared. It just follows me everywhere. Can't take any pleasure in anything because I don't deserve to. Had moments where I felt I hadn't done anything, because it doesn't make sense, but then I feel like I'm just trying to convince myself. I'm not even trying to work anything out, I just feel like I've accepted I did what I did and now I feel hopeless. How can that be ocd?

Thanks for your response PolarBear. Always appreciate your responses on here. I've been trying my best. I keep having hours of clarity where I'm pretty certain I didn't do what I feared, simply because I know that I wouldn't, it's not logical. Even sitting here now, I feel pretty confident, but I still feel guilty... I have a feeling like I did do something wrong. Doing my best to stop searching. How should I handle the "what if she knew?" thoughts, though? Is it really just a case of, it doesn't matter because it clearly isn't me, maybe if I did do what I feared, then it was just a weird thing for a moment?

I'll try my best to stop engaging. I don't really know what I did, but I've got a feeling I did something weird. I just have this shame following me around everywhere and I can't see how I'll ever get to a point where it doesn't bother me.

But I feel like it did, and afterwards I was certain I had done something wrong, I just can't actually remember doing it. I'm trying to just accept that I did what I fear, but I just feel so ashamed of myself.

So I was in a situation where afterwards I felt like I did something inappropriate. In the immediate aftermath, I felt certain, but I can't remember actually doing it. I'm starting to get anxious that maybe I'm punishing myself when I haven't actually done anything wrong? But if I did, I'm really ashamed of myself. It's something I would have never done consciously, ever. I'm just really confused and axnxious. When I manage to go some time without thinking about it I feel bad, and I have a terrible urge to confess. I feel like my GF deserves to know, I never want to keep anything from her.

Yeh.. can relate. Had 12 years or so of living in fear. Second guessing my thoughts/motives/intentions. Being terrified of reality and what things might mean. Not had a good night’s sleep in all that time really. Every time i start to feel better, then something else pops up. My mind has an answer for everything. Don’t you ever sometimes just think, sod it, I’m going to live my life and be happy. I do, but it’s easier said than done.

I always feel like I want to dive into a hole when I'm feeling rubbish. But I think you'll be better off forcing yourself to get up, socialise etc. Show your ocd there's nothing to gear. Hard but can be done.

Thanks for the reply. Appreciate that. As you know, people tell you that whether you did what you thought you did or not is irrelevant, but at the time it feels like you absolutely must know. I think if I take a step back, then I know it's not who I am and wouldn't condone that behaviour. It might have just been a weird brain lapse or something, I don't know. That's if I did it. It's just typical though. I was doing so well. Not been as happy in a long time. Is it really just as simple as just not ruminating and getting involved with it? Did that work for you?

Thanks for the response. That's what makes me worry, really. Is that I did what I feared I did. At the time, and immediate aftermath, I felt like I did. But I've had LOADS of instances where I've felt like I've done something, but haven't, if that makes sense? There's lots I'd rather be doing. I've got everything I want in life really. I was happy, really happy. Now I feel like this potential second or so of vileness has undone me. But I know that that person is not who I am, but it must be if I did what I did... argh!

Been struggling a lot last few days with coming to terms with weird stuff I did in the past. Got triggered because I felt like I might have done something inappropriate quite recently (at the time I felt like I definitely did.. but can't remember it and I feel like I would remember) I just remember being in a situation, and thinking "I feel like I've just done this.." but I can't remember doing it exactly. But if I did, then I feel like nobody would forgive me. It's like I'm horrible AND I have OCD. I keep trying to work out what I was thinking at the time, replaying the event. When I say to myself, "you cant remember", then five minutes later I think, "no, at the time you definitely felt as though you'd done something wrong". I don't want to just let myself off the hook. Doing my best to just carry on as normal. I know I'm not a bad person (or the person I'm scared my action would indicate that I am), but I worry that there is a weird part of me that I lost control of for a second. I know who I am inside, and I'm happy with that. But I'm worried if I confess or something, then it'll plant a suspicion that won't ever be resolved and it'll ruin everything in my relationship. I've been here before but this is different. It's brought up stuff from the past that I'm not proud of (a road that I believe my OCD led me down). And I was doing so well lately. I have the best relationship ever and I was actually living a relatively free OCD life. Can someone just at least suggest that by not engaging with it, I might feel normal again? Cheers

Yes - especially at this time of year when mornings are getting darker (as are the days in general). I bet you feel at your best in the late evening?

Hi Spicypepper, Sorry you aren't feeling so great. I know exactly how you feel - I've been there. You aren't alone. Like everyone says, the best thing is to just let the uneasiness be there and carry on as best as you can. It's really weird because, in time, your brain will get bored and it'll fade and things will ease. I know it probably doesn't feel like that now, but things do get better. Just leave it there, resist the urge to ruminate or rationalise, just do everything you normally would. All the best.

You're 13, you're allowed to make mistakes. In fact, it's kind of your job at that age. If you're overreacting to mistakes, that could be OCD. You'll find plenty of threads on here about such things.

Did you have a similar theme to me?

Is it just me that struggles to function when I'm in the midst of an obsession? I can't really describe what I mean. I feel almost spaced out and a bit detached from everything. Physically I feel on edge and I can't focus on anything. I don't want to do anything taxing, I feel really tired and I just want to crawl into bed. Given the nature of my obsession, which has gone back to whether we have free will now, I keep getting bombarded with thoughts that everything is pointless because everything is predetermined anyway. I'm not 'doing' anything, I'm just some sort of meat robot or something who thinks he is doing something. I struggle to motivate myself to do anything. Even then, I sort of think that it's not up to me anyway is it? It's my brain that is all wired up wrong, just torturing itself. I'm feeling really fed up today and struggling to see any hope.

Welcome to the Forum! And, thank you for your service in the armed force. Have you been diagnosed with OCD? It certainly sounds like you're struggling with OCD. The thing you have to remember about OCD is that compulsions keep it going. It's a circle. Doing compulsions reinforces to obsession which, in turn, reinforces the urge to perform compulsions. It seems to me that your compulsions are to fill in cracks etc. You need to work on stopping that. For me, the best way to deal with OCD is to simply not engage with it. Recognise any urges/thoughts and feelings that you find distressing as OCD and then try your best to move on and get on with your day. Easier said than done, I know. But over time, these urges start to lose their power. It's all in how you react. Again, it's not easy and it takes a lot of will power and determination. Sometimes, I like to tell people it's like a leap of faith. People can think "but it is a real worry, I do need to solve this, it's really important". It isn't. You just have to make that leap of faith and try not to engage with it. In the mean time, perhaps speak with your GP about how you feel and tell them you think you have OCD. Discuss with them your options going forward. But take on board what I've said and try your best to disengage from it. Wishing you all the best.

I would avoid magnesium oxide, unless you're having issues going to the bathroom. Magnesium citrate has a decent uptake. I take magnesium threonate to help me sleep sometimes. I'm going to get Glycinate next, as I read it was the best all rounder.

People get angry and have irrational thoughts that they feel, in the moment, they want to carry out. But they don't. I get angry thoughts. In the past I'd stop and analyse what that said about me. All it says is that I'm human. The fact you're posting about these thoughts here shows that it's nothing to be concerned about. Completely normal. Just say, that was a weird thought, and move on.

I'm not sure what underlies it exactly. But my themes always seem to attack my love for others. I love people, I love their uniqueness. The thought that, potentially, nobody else is conscious and I'm just in some weird dream thing is genuinely terrifying to me. I get moments of clarity where I think it's ridiculous. I normally go to bed at night feeling better. But then back to square on the next day.

Thanks I see what you mean. I'll give it a go. Today I've been relabelling it OCD and trying to move on. It's just difficult because I think that, if my fears were true, then I'd find life pointless and depressing. How do I know my life isn't a weird dream and nobody else is conscious? I don't. But if it's true, then that's torture. How do I know youre a real person replying to me? I don't:( I'll keep trying. If anyone has any input on this I'd be grateful. Thanks again

So you'd just label it as OCD and try and refocus on what you're doing? I've been trying that but it always throws something else at me and I feel that I won't rest until I know, but I know that it's something I can never prove either way. It's weird though because some times I completely believe it and the depression is awful. Is that even OCD or have I got severe depression? Honestly, I just feel hopeless because it's as if there is no doubt, and the truth is that I'm alone and it's all some sort of weird dream that came from nothing. It's truly, truly awful.