Wanderer

It hasn't won, but it hasn't lost either. But you can win by stopping engaging in the battle. You have to take a leap of faith and trust everything everyone's telling you here. Look, EVERYONE is capable of thinking terrible things, and EVERYONE does think terrible things. It's part of being human. The thoughts themselves are not the problem - your response to them is. That is in your control. Stop engaging/trying figure stuff out, and get on with your day. That is how you get better.

This is all just classic OCD rumination and reassurance seeking. Trust me, I've been there many, many times. None of this actually matters. 3 months ago, I was having a full blown mental breakdown over something that I did. I was analysing my intentions, whether it reflects who I am. All sorts. Things won't get better until you decide to not engage with it. If you catch yourself trying to figure something out, say no, and carry on with your day. It's not easy and it'll take a while for things to improve. But probably sooner than you think, you'll lose interest in it and chalk it up as some silliness that doesn't reflect who you are, nevermind your intentions at the time. But you HAVE to stop thinking about it.

Yup. Your brain is on high alert. Ignore the messages and get on with your day. You won't feel better overnight - it takes time - but if you disengage the alarm bells will turn off. You just have to be really determined and just trust the advice (easier said than done, I know!) Don't worry - no one minds this sort of thing.

Been exactly where you are, many, many times. Try and recognise that the alarm systems in your brain are in overdrive right now, so your perspective is likely completely distorted. Do your best to stop ruminating. It'll kick and scream, but just try your best to get on with something else. Like I say, it'll throw all sorts at you - but if you do this, gradually things get better and the alarm bells will turn off. Sorry you're feeling like you are, but it can get better.

Hi Roami I too have no issues actually falling to sleep - by the end of the day I usually feel like a zombie. My issue is that my sleep quality is appalling. I seem to dream all night and wake up feeling exhausted. No idea how to tackle this. It started the day my OCD kicked in and has been the same ever since. My eyes are black underneath. There are things that can help with sleep. Getting sunlight early in a morning (as soon as you wake up) and maintaining a steady sleep schedule - I.e. going to bed and getting up at the same time, even on weekends. Exercise in a morning or afternoon helps me: on workout days I'm definitely sleepier at night. Reading before bed helps me feel sleepier, too, and just generally getting away from the TV and phone. No caffeine after 2pm. Also prolonged breathing exercises. The one that works for me is breathing in as much as you into your stomach, then out through your mouth slowly. I sometimes bit on something to make it harder to breath out, which makes the exhale longer, letting all my body go loose. You want resistance on breathing out. Doing this over and over for 10 minutes or so can feel like bliss and I've fallen asleep doing it before! Sleep is so important too. On the rare occasion I wake up feeling refreshed, my OCD is never as bad. Not sure if this helps - but I know your pain!

Thanks for your reply. Weirdly, I sometimes think that a bit of doubt around the question would be nice. And I suppose there is some doubt there. Maybe even in thinking that there's no free will, I'm still wrestling with doubts... I'm frustrated that I think reading around Christianity is actually becoming a reassurance seeking thing. When I'm not in despair, I genuinely enjoy reading and learning about it... Feeling slightly better today, but the hopelessness still keeps coming over me. I suppose I just need to keep working and ignoring it.

Thank you all for your thoughtful and considered replies - much appreciated. I think what I struggle with sometimes is that, when this flares up, there doesn't seem to be any doubt. Sometimes I wish there was more doubt. It's like my brain has already accepted we're powerless and free will is an illusion, because there's quite a bit of evidence for that. That possibility just bombards me all the time and it takes the colour out of every situation I'm in. I lose all perspective that perhaps this might not be the case - but logically, I struggle to see how it can be any different. I feel like I need to disprove it... but maybe that's reassurance seeking? I've been doing my best today to just acknowledge the thoughts and carry on with my day. It's just hard to see a way out of when you're in the midst of it. What's especially annoying is, I have gone periods within the last six years where I've been happy. For decent spells I have felt okay about it because I feel like I'd developed some religious beliefs, but when this flares up, they go out the window. Clearly, something isn't right. I understand my reaction to scientific arguments around free will etc, is not how most people would react to it. I just want to get this under control once and for all but I'm never quite sure what's wrong with me.

Hello everyone. I hope everyone is doing okay. About six years ago, I had a bit of a breakdown with an existential theme. It revolves around free will, and whether we are actually even in control of what we do. Modern day science would tell us no, we aren't - we're just biological robots. I went down a rabbit hole of trying prove we have free will, but really struggled. The only ray of hope I found was religion and that there might be something else going on. I find this incredibly depressing. To me, if we everything can be reduced to unconscious biological processes (and consciousness is an illusion) then everything seems pointless - everything looses its magic. I somehow managed to pull myself out of this breakdown. I had a decent few years, then it came back big. Again, it somehow went away, and I've had a manageable few years. But I can feel it coming back again and I'm so tired. A couple of years ago, my dad got hospitalised with psychotic depression and I keep worrying that I am going the same way as him with this theme. It also makes me worry whether this is even OCD or whether I have what he has... When it goes away (relatively), I seem to be able to engage with theorising about religion etc. Over the last couple of years, I feel as though I've moved away from being an athiest to a Christian. But when my worries flair up, I lose all perspective and I feel like I have accepted that we're meat robots and everything is pointless. I also feel like trying to find comfort in religion when it has flared up is working as some sort of reassurance seeking? My question(s) is, I guess, what would you do in my scenario? How do I finally kick this? Do I just ignore it and have faith that my perspective will change? And is this even OCD? I suppose I can take hope from the fact that I've been here a few times now and managed to feel better.. but each time it feels stronger. Any help would be really appreciated.

I think there's potential a strategy in being completely fed up. We sort of have to become fed up and just let go. Why not try and channel your frustration into not getting involved in compulsions and/or analysing thoughts, and just get on with your life? Easier said than done, I know, but I've experienced relief in the past when I've just taken a leap of faith and stopped caring.

Not sure police officers are sitting around stalking OCD forums. This is OCD again. Ignore it.

It's tough. But take hope in the fact that the life you want is achievable. We just have to work at it a bit more than others, perhaps.

I agree with this. Recognise that it'll take time and just think that you're riding it out. It's hard to see that it'll pass when you're in the midst of it, but just hold tight.

I can definitely relate. I can wake up with optimism and sometimes surprised how good I feel. I build hope and then by lunch time I can feel back to square one.

I think you know what this is - your OCD. Please chalk it up as such, and enjoy time with your partner. It's completely normal to have all the thoughts you mention. It is part of life. It's part of how we navigate life and make sense of things. I dare say your other half has all kinds of thoughts. When I told my GF about OCD, she said well "I can bet whatever you have thought, I and others have thought worse". (It came from a supportive place, ha!). You're dealing with OCD. Ignore it as best you can and it'll get better.

Thanks again. As you know, it's really hard. I was trying my best to avoid doing something. I wasn't actively looking to do it and, as I say, it's not something I'd choose to do given the opportunity. But I feel like I had a weird moment or something and did it. I remember having a panic but I can't remember exactly what I did. But there must have been something.

I don't know if this is a common thing. Maybe it is, who knows. I wouldn't dwell on that though. I mean, to get to the heart of it, you need to resist your urges to compulsively clean. I'm probably not the best here to give specifics on exposure tasks you might do. But my instinct would be to try and make progress on not cleaning to the extent you are now. Your anxiety will spike, but once your brain realises nothing bad happens (it'll scream at you that something bad WILL happen), then things will get better. Stopping compulsions is the way to stop this. But also, yeah, read as much as you can to try and understand all the ways in which OCD works.

Hello. Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time of it. While I'm not in a position to diagnose, a lot of what you've said there is OCD-like behaviour. The thoughts you're having are what we'd call "intrusive thoughts". Many people with OCD suffer with them. I can't tell you exactly why we have them or anything, but the thing to remember is that they're just thoughts. We can't always, if at all, be in control of our thoughts. Don't try to fight them. Let them come. Just chalk them up as brain noise that doesn't mean anything. Easier said than done, I know. Again, I'm no mental health expert, but it sounds to me like you have a lot of past trauma you need to work through which might be compounding everything. I'd suggest continuing to work with professionals for that and what seems to me like your OCD. I'd also suggest doing some reading into OCD, from reputable publications of course, to get a better sense of what is going on and how it works. Identifying compulsions and then working to stop them is the key. Keep going and hope you feel better soon.

Appreciate you taking the time out to respond. I kind of get what you're saying. But what I think I did, really is shameful. Like really bad, genuinely. Maybe I'm just a messed up guy who has OCD to boot. I mean the only saving grace is, perhaps, someone who does that sort of thing all the time wouldn't be feeling like I am right now. I'm just tired of feeling like this. My brain constantly searching for things to make me confess to my GF. I've done some really weird/disgusting stuff in my life. Maybe I'm paying the price now. I've got this serious feeling of doom and hopelessness following me around and I've lost interest in pretty much everything. I just think "what's the point"? I could try and not engage with it, but if I did what I feel like I did, I just don't see how I can just let it go..

Thanks for your response. I just can't seem to shake this. I try and accept that I might have done what I'm scared I did do, but then I feel weird because I feel like I'm accepting something that I would never consciously do. But my feeling from thinking back to how I felt at the time, is that I must have done something wrong because I had a moment of panic. Like the "ocd got ya" moment. Like I knew that this was something I was going to fixate on. I've tried to recall what happened but it's impossible. But it was maybe like a few moments where I did something bad.. maybe it was curiosity and I'm getting my motivations mixed up. But if I did do it, then I should really be ashamed. All I know is that I'm walking around feeling like the most disgusting person on the planet. And like I'm 100% guilty. That's how it "feels" in my head. If this was ocd, wouldn't there be doubt? Wouldn't my anxiety be rooted in doubt? I'm worried this won't ever fade and I'm going to feel like this forever. I mean, to be honest, if I'm guilty then I probably should. It was a strange moment, and I clearly can't explain my actions and it's all really confusing. But I can't let myself off the hook... As for my other half, ever since we took our relationship to another level, it's been one thing after another to feel guilty about. I'm sure she'd be disgusted if she knew about this. My fear is growing old together and then me telling her what I did and her feeling like she wasted her life with me.

My experience with many therapists/mental health workers in the UK is that they can be quite arrogant and pig ignorant. I also don't have faith in them - which is why I don't go to see them. I don't think many of them understand OCD, either.

I'm really struggling lately with guilt/shame from past mistakes (that, really, I'm not proud of at all). There are certain instances where I worry whether I did something terrible, perhaps for a second or so.. it feels as though I definitely did do what I feared. But it's out of character; I wouldn't consciously do it. Or at least, I think I wouldn't do it. But I remember panicking in a moment and feeling like I did something really bad. And now it's killing me. The hopelessness is crushing and I feel like I've ruined everything. But to be honest, it's been one thing after another lately. It's attacking my relationship. I don't want secrets from my other half; I want her to have a great life, but all I can think is, "if only she knew". I've been getting horrible intrusive thoughts lately, too. It's something that I've not been too bad with for a while. I know this time of year never helps me, but I'm losing hope. Right now it feels like I've genuinely ruined my life and I can't see how it will ever get better. I'm really trying to not engage with it, but it's not going anywhere, because if I did do what I fear I did (or what my brain tells me I definitely did do), then I don't know how I can forgive myself. It's really quite horrible. Appreciate there's probably nothing anyone can do, but I'm at a really low ebb.

Hello Welcome to the forum. To answer your last question, yes, engaging in compulsions like mental rumination only serves to worsen and prolong the obsession. I, too, have had certain obsessions that have last many years. I'm struggling slightly with one that I've held about seven years at the moment. It comes and goes. It is also common that previous obsessions are less worrisome when others are "in play". Often sufferers seek answers to questions. They get some relief when they feel as though they have found a sufficient answer, only for further questions to arise and start the cycle again. The key is to break the cycle, but that's much easier said than done.

Mornings are definitely worse for me, too. I find, however, that forcing myself out of bed (easier said than done), and getting on with things, i.e., tidying the kitchen, making my lunch, etc, can be a good way of pulling myself out of my thoughts. It can be remarkable how your perspective can change in such a short space of time when you're preoccupied with something.

Sometimes spikes in anxiety can be a result of doing what you're supposed to do - i.e., not engaging in compulsions. You say the more you feel anxious, the more you feel drawn into them. That's the moment to resist. If you can just sit it out, it will get better.

Thanks, gingerbreadgirl. I'm doing my best with this. Just need to get my head down and wait for it to fade.