Angelina K.

Hello, Tomorrow I am finally going back home to my family after 3 months or so of being away due to attending university here in the UK. Though I was super excited and happy about it at first, the closer the time comes, the more anxious I become? When I was younger I was never anxious about airplane trip, but the older I became the more anxiety I would feel whenever I had an upcoming airplane trip. Yet the anxiety was not really focused on the airplane trip itself but projected into other OCD themes. This time, it's quite solidly on the airplane trip. It keeps trying to twist some magical thinking into it by going 'oh you feel anxious about it could be a premonition' or something when, in reality, I'm not really a superstitious person (meaning I know this doesn't mean a thing but somehow it still gets me to feel anxious and worry). Do you have any advice in how to deal with these types of thoughts? Edit: even writing this here was a sort of almost exposure, Idk why I got nervous even writing it out. My thoughts going 'writing it out/saying it out is like confirming it,' etc. Damn OCD...

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Thank you so much for your response @RoseQuartz . I've calmed down more now, and looking back, do realize it was rather ridiculous of me to worry over it... And considering it has now ended haha. I think OCD started kicking again due to, probably, some upcoming stressful things or such. I will try to continue to practice CBT/ERP and try not to fall into another reassurance-seeking trap. Again, thank you! I really do appreciate it

I was doing rather well with health OCD with CBT and all, but, today, I randomly spiralled again... Well, basically I got worried and obsessed over my periods. I was late this month and it did not come right away but with very small drizzling almost. And now it's been over a week and, though not a heavy amount and very little, I'm still getting my periods. In the end, I couldn't resist it and I fell into the temptation of googling and that put me more in an uneasy state. My mind is making up all kinds of worst case scenario narrative: 'what if it's not even your period anymore but bleeding from the organs indicating a serious disease?' I tell myself that can't be and that irregular period like this is natural as I'm only 18... But still... I could go to the gynaecologist or GP but, for health OCD, I've been trying not to to not abuse that as a method of reassurance too much (also I do not want to be marked as a hypochondriac in fear they wouldn't treat me seriously). It's true also that in nearly 2 weeks or so I will be flying back to my home country. So I'm less compelled to go to the doctor here if I can go at home... but I'm not sure, is this really serious?

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Thank you to you both @Cam81 and @PennyLane73. It's always nice to know that this is not an 'outlier' experience but one felt/shared among all those who struggle with OCD TT And thank you for your kind words, just trying to go on with my day and focusing on my homework, talking with people, etc. helped me pull myself out from further engaging with that brief OCD relapse.

Hello, I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. I also apologise for a very late reply (so maybe you don't need these info anymore but just in case...) but I thought the information might still be somewhat helpful. I am also currently living in Edinburgh and am seeing a private therapist here for CBT. It is expensive but, at least for me, it has been super helpful. Here are two places you might find helpful/be interested in: https://www.craigiepartnership.co.uk/edinburgh-psychology-services https://www.edinburghtherapy.co.uk/ I hope this is somewhat helpful. Good luck and remember you're not alone!

Hello, So, I've been doing rather well for the last few days. CBT has definitely helped a lot in keeping my reaction to my intrusive thoughts at a minimal (or at least to keep it at a very manageable level). However, today, I kind of messed up out of the blues. I was just having a conversation with my friend and the subject we talked about could have brushed close to whatever OCD theme happened to be slightly haunting me these days. I was fine, at first, and wasn't even thinking about my OCD or the fact that this could trigger my theme, but I randomly got a thought along with a 'impulse/longing' feeling that suddenly freaked me out? I am familiar with this feeling and know that it's OCD related. However, what kind of threw me off was how almost 'naturally' the thought occurred? My undoing was that I, after that, started to doubt whether the nature of the thought itself was an intrusive thought or a natural/conscious thought. And the moment I started doubting this/trying to find answer to this is when I spiralled and started feeling uncomfortable and uneasy overall. I suppose I answer my own wonderings with that, but I am still gripped strongly by a desire or discomfort of doubt that goes 'how do I know if this was a natural thought and thus proving that it wasn't OCD/is real or if it really was an OCD thought?' Sometimes it's hard to shake these thoughts and feelings off... I try to think of it, however, as OCD desperately trying to stay alive against CBT and thus coming up with more sneakier ways to disguise itself when penetrating my mind.

Hello, I hope you are all doing well. I've recently started (or more 1 or 2 months ago) doing CBT and ERP to be more specific. I think it has been super helpful as now I feel like I am able to deal with some of my thoughts more bravely as well as not react as strongly as I used to when I get those thoughts. However, every now and again, I would get a random wave of anxiety or panic that would completely throw me off and this would be, of course, usually, accompanied with one of the OCD themes thoughts. And this persists despite ERP, and sometimes I get a bit worried or scared 'what if I can never overcome these emotion based triggers?' and 'what if then that means these thoughts are for real and not OCD?' (Which I know reeks of OCD-esque thoughts but somehow I still doubt and get frightened). It's hard to explain but these emotion-based triggers would seemingly come out of nowhere. I could have made peace with a certain theme for the moment, and, out of the blues while I was super distracted, I would randomly be hit with a surge of panic like anxiety accompanied with that 'theme's thought' and it would feel super convincing and feel as if I went back to base 0. In a way CBT has helped me deal with the usual thoughts better but, I guess it's OCD trying to fight back, it has also called forth more brutal and cunning turns from OCD. I guess I'm just wondering how can I deal with this? I'm afraid I may be failing or something... Also, I wanted to thank you all for having helped me out in the past. The help is really much appreciated and I hope you all a great day

Hello, Recently I thought my Health themed OCD got better but instead it started latching onto another part of my body... I started feeling a pressing like sensation upon the upper left side of my stomach and seeing that it did not go away after a week or so, my mind started spinning tales. This became a lot more severe especially after accidentally stumbling upon a random comment upon a video on youtube regarding how this person's sister passed away at 18 from liver cancer. My OCD immediately linked 'oh you're 18 and you were having some weird sensations on your stomach lately.' and I started panicking hard. I eventually made a GP appointment and came back. Yet, somehow, it got worse. The GP pressed around my stomach and said she didn't find any lump or mass and thus feels fine. Yet, just in case, she gave me a urine test. And also asked me previously if I was urinating more frequently by any chance. I answered no. For some reason, after doing this test, I feel very hypersensitive about my bladder. I keep feeling like I have to go even right after I do urinate. And this started bugging me a lot because it was suddenly so constant? Like just yesterday I was fine. And through the whole day today I kept feeling like I needed to go urinate no matter how many times I went to the bathroom. And most of the time urine did come quite a lot. I started panicking: 'what if this is a new symptom that just developed and me having said no to my GP changed the whole course of how she would have evaluated me completely? What if this is really something serious? What if I'm dying?' I tried to calm myself down by rationalizing: telling myself 'well, today I did decide to start drinking a lot more water than usual' (because I have a bad habit of not drinking enough water). But somehow that doesn't cut it and I keep feeling anxious about it which leads me to google. And that also makes things worse... I am on the fence about whether I should call my GP again and make another appointment. Yet the problem is I am going on a trip tomorrow morning and won't be back till Thursday. Then I am going on another trip on Friday and won't be back on Monday. This makes me feel even more desperate and anxious (such as 'what if it develops and becomes even worse?'). Should I really be worried about this or is this my OCD playing tricks on me?? I can't tell and it's really hard to not freak out over it...

Thank you for your response! I will definitely talk about it in therapy during my next session.

Hey Marie, Thank you for your message and I wanted to say that that is the theme that's bothering me right now! My OCD is trying to make me distrust my father and paint him as this monster who will attack me. And I know this isn't true because he's a very caring and good father and never did anything to hurt me in any ways. But the presence of these thoughts keep making me doubt like 'how come I'm randomly getting thoughts about being attacked sexually? There must have been a trigger which must have been a big sexual trauma that you can't remember now bc you suppressed it bc of how traumatic it was.' And this thought especially freaks me out bc it puts into question all of my memories! I also feel guilty and ashamed about these thoughts but I also don't know how to dispel them... Thank you for sharing your experience btw, that was really helpful to know I'm not alone TT Usually when I read about sexual themed OCD it seems to be about 'what if I do x to y?' rather than 'what if y does x to me?' so my OCD was trying to use that for its advantage and say 'that must mean that this isn't OCD but trauma' or something and that freaked me out too. haha...

Hello, I am currently 18 years old but I think OCD really started when I was around 14 (though I may have mad some OCD like behavior in the past in my childhood but I'm not sure if it was just me being a kid or OCD tbh). I remember it very vividly bc the thought was very terrifying for me when it came. I was in a hotel with my family during the summer break. I had just finished middle school and was about to enter high school. I was just sitting without thinking about anything on the hotel bed, and my mom was seated on the edge of the bed. I just looked at her (she had her back on me) and suddenly I got an intrusive thought and image along the line of 'what if you chocked her to death right now?' and there was a vivid image of me doing such act that accompanied that thought that it freaked me out a lot. I realized I had a problem when I kept panicking over this thought and got more similar thoughts the more I panicked over it. To the extent I spent the following 2 days crying and continuously asking my parents 'does this make me a monster? How do I know I won't actually act on this?' (bc I continuously got these disturbing thoughts about hurting others) Ever since then it's been rather clear that I had a problem- especially bc I developed few rituals to quell those thoughts and they were quite noticeable. I can't speak for everyone, of course, but for me I think there were lots of stress involved to it too. 1). though I was on a trip during my summer break, it was a big moment of change (transition from middle school to high school) so my anxiety in general could have been a lot more heightened bc of that. 2). change = unknown/uncertainty; and I think this is one big topic OCD sticks to. The fear of uncertainty and the unknown. The fact that we might not be able to control things in our lives and that anything can happen anytime and that we need to live with that. Again, I think this is different for everyone, but, for me, this is what I remember on how it started. Ever since then my harm OCD has quelled but it has circled through different themes as well. I hope this is somewhat helpful.

I have a very taboo-themed OCD theme that comes and goes time to time. Recently it resurfaced and I have a hard time even typing it out (thus why I am not really clearly typing it out...) bc of how disturbing it is and how much the whole idea of it disconcerts me. The problem is, it targets people I trust and really care about and try to apply this theme to make not not trust these people or doubt their goodness. Even if I know that said people will never do anything like this to me and I know, for sure and for a fact, that they are good people. But when it keeps coming up as OCD thoughts I can't help it but get very uncomfortable and disturbed and so even around said person. I hate that it's making me react this way too bc I'm scared that's 'giving the content of the thought validity' when there's really nothing valid about what it's stating... And bc of how awkward the theme is I cannot reach out for help towards my family (Bc it mainly targets them, those thoughts) or even friends so i feel like I need to struggle with this alone. But the fact that I can't articulate it makes it seem so much more scarier than it is... Please, any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you for your response, Meredie. Sadly, I never truly got over any of my past themes? They used to linger and come and go as waves, so sometimes it would be strong and sometimes I would be just fine about it. Yet, whenever a new theme appears, they momentarily go silent. And that's kind of what's happened now haha. In the end, I did try to 'accept it' and 'let myself feel whatever feelings and things comes when that OCD thought/reaction happens' as I think it's a healthy way to try to deal with it, but it's rather a difficult way. I think distraction has been good for me, such as, instead of focusing on thought, trying to force myself to do other things that engage my activity. Even when it comes back after I forget it, at least, I have more moments where I am doing something and not thinking about it then. TT I hope you are doing better than I am regarding OCD

Hello, Thoughts about death aren't something foreign to me- I've even enjoyed toying with the thought of it as a conceptual/philosophical thing. However, few days ago, I randomly got a thought about death right when I was in bed about to sleep. Strangely, however, this thought came up to me with a sense of strong relevancy. I mean, I know we are all gonna die one day and all ofc, but, for some reason, this thought came with a strong feeling associated with it, like a strong sense of urgency or something. And that really freaked me out for some reason. It's as if I accept it conceptually but emotionally I'm not processing it right? I know there's no other way but accept it bc there's no way out of death. However, like, it's getting quite disturbing bc now, even when I'm distracted a lot, I would suddenly remember I was grappling with this and my whole mood would just drop. And it especially keeps happening right before I'm about to sleep. I'm now more worried that this might be my OCD's new theme... And it's so weird bc I feel like I already kind of came to a 'peace' or 'understanding' of death that helped me accept it, but suddenly I feel like Im in the beginning again. And I'm worried that if it is a new OCD theme that this will prevent me from really being able to enjoy life and living. Any advice?

God, I'm probably not but it feels so real so I keep doubting and freaking out. I randomly felt a weird but not too disturbing/painful sharp pain/random squeezing sensation in my chest but now it's more focused on the left side which I know is where the heart is. And at one point my chest randomly felt heavy and uncomfortable. So that's what got me freaked out: and bc I'm freaked out, my anxiety kicks in and responds with rapid breathing which makes me think I'm having actual short breath which then causes me to freak out further bc I know it's a symptom of heart attacks. Then, I feel a pressure in my chest (I think phantom sensation) and that worsens my shortness of breath and I feel like I'm about to break out into a sweat. I'm 18 btw so this is very highly unlikely but god, it somehow freaked me out sm I can't even get myself to sleep. I sadly gave in to reassurance seeking and sought for comfort from my parents who both told me it isn't a big deal and that it happens. But I still feel so nervous and freaked out over it... I know once I sleep I'll feel better and all but OCD is preventing me from sleeping, as if if I sleep I won't wake again or something bc of this 'heart' thing. TT And bc I'm desperate for answers I kind of spiralled and ended up googling which ofc made everything worse X0X Can someone please give me advice?

Hello, It's been roughly around 5 days since I'm back to my home country to stay during the winter break. And when i first arrived my OCD in general got a lot better. However, it has recently begun to spike again... The thing is I usually get used to jet lag quite fast within 2-3 days or so. However, this time, I feel like my jet lag is lasting longer. It's been 5 days and I still feel quite tired even at a quite early time in the night and I've been getting some digestive issues ever since I've landed as well. I know that it's probably just jet lag and all, but my mind keeps trying to connect it to something and tell me that thus I am dying. For example, I've been also having small pain in the chest area and also I found a small bump like stuff in one of my well breast. I've gotten it checked out by a GP in the UK who wasn't sure what it was exactly but who said that it didn't seem like much cause for concern (being that I had no other alarming symptom and the lump/bump itself not being too big nor too detached from the tissues themselves. Also the fact that I'm 18 with no family history of such diseases). Yet, that was 3 weeks or so ago and I think next week I am going to a breast clinic to get it checked out just in case. However, because of this and some random pain i feel in that area or around it, my health OCD has been telling me 'maybe it's something like breast cancer' and that thought has been freaking me out a lot. Also now with this fatigue and all that it's trying to tell me 'it could mean that it spread or worsened so now you are dying' and i know it's absurd but it still kind of manages to freak me out. Also sometimes when I feel a bit light-headed or short of breath, I can't tell if they are anxiety induced or not (though in the past when I got that- especially sensation of shortness of breath- it was due to anxiety more than anything) and so my health OCD tries to tie this in as evidence 'i am dying' too. This sucks bc it's driving me to keep on asking my mom for reassurance. I keep asking her 'i feel this, this this and that. Do you think it's okay?' and she keeps on reassuring me that it is okay and all, that she had experienced the same thing at my age too and look at her now, she's fine. And sometimes i do feel more rational and I realize how extreme and dumb these health related thoughts are. But no matter what my OCD keeps somehow finding a way to reignite health related fear and more unreasonably, the thought of dying from it... i'm trying hard to not give into the temptation to google search bc nothing good comes out of googling anything medical (especially symptoms in google) but damn, I feel so desperate for a sure/certain answer of 'it's really nothing, you are fine and healthy' asdfsdaf Any advice on how to make my mind listen to rationality for once? ToT

Hey Summer, I'm sorry to hear that you are not doing so well health wise, I wish you a speedy recovery! And yeah, I understand that, i know it's not the exact same thing, but today I- for some reason- did not hear my alarm and ended up sleeping through till 12 pm (I'm still jet lagged haha). And that really threw me off OCD wise. I suddenly felt uncomfortable and uneasy as I realized my whole schedule (OCD wise) was a bit thrown off but decided to try to adjust it accordingly and just delay when I will sleep. But yeah, it sucks how even these small inconveniences that can bring up some unexpected changes can trigger OCD rather randomly. Though i suppose OCD does get triggered because it does have to do with the unexpected (namely an unexpected change to our set schedules, etc.). Though it may be uncomfortable, it could be good too, in the sense that, I guess, it offers us a chance to try to do some small exposure and, I hear, that can sometimes be good against dealing OCD or coming to deal with it. And, I think maybe it could be helpful if, after today, we allow ourselves to recognize that 'wow i made it through the day even though I was met with an unexpected change. See, I can do this, OCD got no hold on me.' It seems like taking care of ourselves and being more positive towards oneself does help in combatting OCD a bit as you say when you talk about being more kind to oneself. I wish you the best of lucks and do hope you get better soon!

I have recently caught a cold- or perhaps the flu as I had a pretty bad fever and general weariness 2 days ago. However, after a day of good rest and taking paracetamol, that went away. Now I just cough and have a stuffy nose with a still itchy throat. However, out of nowhere after dinner today, I randomly felt unwell- and I can't tell if it's anxiety induced or if it's really something... I know that short breath can be caused by anxiety which I am familiar with because when my OCD goes overboard my anxiety manifests things like shortness of breath and weird/warm/numb sensation in head. However, this feeling of sickness almost feels like an upset stomach?? So should be fine, but recently I've kept on seeing news about the Strep-A outbreak and that's been lurking in the back of my mind. With this random feeling, my OCD is trying to link it to Strep-A and convince me that I have it and will perish from it or something. And I can't stop panicking or thinking about it and I'm afraid it' making me a bit afraid to go to bed entirely because of that... Any advice ?

Hey Reza, I am sorry to hear that you had to go through so much within the context of relationships I wish I could give good advice but I've actually never been in a romantic relationship (I know, but hey I'm just 18) so I'm not sure if i can advice you something very useful as I am inexperienced myself However, I mean from all the books I've read or movies I've watched, they all (well ok a stretch- but many of them) seem to somewhat view relationships as really a- no matter how corny it sounds- a 'leap of faith.' Being given context, I can imagine this doesn't fall as much helpful as when one has been hurt like that in the past, I imagine, it would really compromise one's willingness to do so. However, I am unsure if there is another 'easier' way per say to get across it in such a relationship. Part of what makes OCD so strong is because it usually is obsessed with a core fear of uncertainty. Even within context of fear of rejection, it is uncertainty of whether a relationship would work out or not, etc. so, perhaps, the best exposure for this is to try to accept the uncertainty- the only certain thing in this world is that it is riddled with uncertainties. OCD has a hard time accepting this for some reason but that does not alter the reality. I can't guarantee that the relationship will go well or not work out, however, again I'm sorry for the corniness, if you don't approach or I guess act, you would never know if it would work out or not. I imagine, this isn't very helpful, and- of course- there is no rush! You shouldn't rush into action if you are currently very much in a bad place, as I wouldn't be able to 'accept the uncertainty' of health OCD if I were going through a very bad health OCD episode. However, as people tend to say, slowly we must come to accept this uncertainty that OCD holds in such fear. I guess we have to somehow learn to accept the uncertainty and still press on undefeated by it. If it helps at all, a thought that did help me with this a bit, is how the whole of life is pretty much like that. When you get out of bed, how are you certain that the ceiling won't crash down and kill you? Or that a car would hit you while you cross the road? And yet, despite these uncertainties, we still press on and go on with our day. Being limited by uncertainty is limiting ourselves from living at all. Of course, those are fancy words yet I do understand that, in reality, it's not as easy especially when it comes to OCD x-X However, we must make an effort still. Again, there is no rush required! Even a tiny baby step toward accepting the uncertainty is still a step. OCD being OCD, this would probably be a slow process. But if we have the willingness to fight it, I'm sure, we'll be able to beat it somehow or live with it on a manageable pace. Sorry for blabbering like this... I hope something in here is helpful and yes! Writing it down also really helps me too! For my theme it's bc it kind of helps me see the absurdity of what I'm panicking over?? And yes, if it helps you step out of that OCD thought process, I think it's good to keep doing it : D