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fionasgirl

Bulletin Board User
  • Posts

    15
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Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Living with OCD
  • Type of OCD
    scrupulosity, harm, checking

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    canada
  • Interests
    reading, knitting, outdoors

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  1. Hey everyone, Having a really bad week for my scrupulosity OCD. I keep ruminating on the most NORMAL of social interactions and trying to deal with if I did something immoral or mean or cruel or excessive. I thought I was doing a good job of sitting with my discomfort, redirecting my compulsions. On the drive home from the grocery store I repeated to myself a story about a time I did something kind like six times before I realized I was trying to quell my anxiety about being an awful person. I'm home, I want to crawl out of my skin. I'm trying not to ruminate, or cough, or confess, or seek reassurance and just sit with these awful emotions that make me want to die, make me feel like an awful person. Does anyone have any tips for sitting with discomfort and weathering through the uncertainty without feeding into compulsions? I tried distracting myself with some TV but eventually my intrusive thoughts and the skin-crawling feeling became too distracting to pay attention. What do you guys do?
  2. tw emetophobia. Last week I was chilling with my friend in the car, parked but waiting to go somewhere. They said something innocuous… it triggered me. It felt like the walls were caving in, I was going to get “caught”, all of the sudden I was overheating. My biggest compulsion is coughing, like I physically have to clear the compulsions out of my system. Often times I do this until I throw up. I got out of the car, took my sweater off, was about to go crazy with the coughing. Instead I took some deep breaths (double breaths) and talked my way through it, calming the panic attack. I still felt shaky, but my friend was super understanding. I’m really proud I calmed myself down and didn’t let my compulsions take control!!!
  3. Hi all, Lately I think my biggest compulsion has been checking. When I was younger I would always have to check things, even if I knew they were there. Or that I had done it. Whatever. Lately, every time I make a mistake it feeds this awful cycle of having to check. Didn’t screw my water bottle tightly enough and threw it in my bag? Well now I have to screw and unscrew my bottle multiple times and then invert it to check that no water is leaking. Accidentally put diesel in the car? I have to triple check that this gas-only pump is actually gas and ask a friend or the attendant to check for me. Left the car unlocked once and nothing happened? I have to lock the doors several times through both the door switch and the remote key. (I am medicated for adhd) I biked home from work today, a really beautiful but very uphill route. I stopped and sat on the grass a couple of times. Early that day I had put my license in my side pocket of my backpack and had a feeling that might not be the best idea. but I’ve never lost anything out the side pocket before so it should be okay. Until this evening when we wanted to go to the pub and I realized I had no license. I then had to bike to the spots I stopped at and it didn’t turn up. I know it’s not the end of the world but the money, the time, even just having to bike back up the hill. I feel so stupid and hate that this is probably just gonna be another thing I compulsively check multiple times a day. And the checking is so annoying and my friends are starting to notice and it’s embarassing. It just often feels like the checking is so irrational but every time something like this happens I just prove my OCD right
  4. I mean, it's great that you don't have to struggle with guilt. I'm not sure what themes your ocd presents with, but some of us struggle immensely with feelings of guilt. Not because we don't have "boundaries" but because our ocd intrusive thoughts try to convince us that we are bad people. I think the two people you have brought this up with don't have boundary issues - in fact, they are so hyper-aware of boundaries that they fear the smallest thing will cross them! And that fear, that uncertainty, is the driving force of many people with mental/confessing compulsions. When I judge the actions of others, I am usually very flexible. I can understand the factors that influence their behaviours, I show compassion, and I know that things that seem upsetting are not the end of everything. I understand boundaries. I don't have a rigid moral code. But when it comes to my own behaviours and thoughts, all rules go out the window! I think greenfrog would probably tell someone else that they aren't a pedophile or creep if they shared the same story. But when it comes to judging their own behaviour, their ocd does not extend them the same compassion. Things like scrupulosity, POCD, etc. are tricky because the intrusive thoughts can sometimes represent clear violations of moral norms. There is this inclination to psychoanalyze the intrusive thoughts because we might not understand them in the same way we can understand contamination ocd. But the intrusive thoughts often represent what we fear the most - hurting a childing, hurting our partner, offending god. I think suggesting there must be an issue with someones understanding of boundaries just feeds into the intrusive thoughts even more. It can be frustrating coming onto a forum and seeing lots of discussion turning into CBT talk, but I think people are only bringing these up when it is clear someone is using the forum to compulsively confess and seek reassurance - which will just worsen the obsessions. I think it is a matter of realizing when we are having a conversation, and when someone is just acting on compulsions. Not all the posts on here are the same.
  5. One way I can tell the difference between an actual desire and an intrusive thought is looking at how my mind poses it. A lot of my intrusive thoughts are structured like accusations "this is what you want to do, don't you?" "you wanted to touch that child" I'm not sure how it sounds in your mind, but when my brain is trying to accuse me of something that is usually a good indicator that it's an intrusive thought. I don't suggest ruminating on your thoughts, but it might be helpful to notice if intrusive ones have any "tells"
  6. This isn't a boundaries issue lol. Trying to figure out the true "essence" of what happened is just further fueling one's anxiety. That's the hard bit. There are things that have happened that my OCD has made me replay in my mind over and over, trying to find certainty that I did do something wrong or that actually everything was find. But no good ever comes out of it, I just suffer even more. As Lynz said that's what plagues those of us with OCD. I'm also relatively new here so it definitely takes some getting used to!
  7. Maybe singing along to some music in the car can be a way to disrupt the thinking?
  8. Hey greenfrog, I've noticed you have made a quite similar post to this before, and have even confessed on other people's posts seeking reassurance about this specific situation. I know it's really hard being in a vicious cycle needing to confess to deal with the anxiety. I have also struggled with POCD and it will make you think every thing you do is secret proof that you've overstepped a boundary. But it's your OCD speaking and I think we should start discussing ways you can deal with these intrusive thoughts because I think confessing keeps you trapped in this cycle.
  9. Piggy backing on this, I find that when I give myself a hard time about the way I am thinking, it tends to make the problem worse. Right now the self-compassion bit is hard for me to practice, so when I have an intrusive thought I will respond to it in a humorous way. Make it work for you. Hell's Kitchen is great though, and I like following a few of Gordon Ramsay's recipes. I don't think you are weak, OCD is a tricky thing to have. It's like a master litigator that knows exactly how to make your knees buckle. Sometimes the intrusive thoughts take over, but every small win is still a win!!! Agreed that mindfulness can help so much.
  10. Sometimes when I confess to people that gives me a new thing to worry about. Do they think I'm actually awful? Do they think that my intrusive thoughts are who I am deep down? Then comes the need to correct myself, I start thinking about all the ways I will convince them I am actually Good next time I see them. It's a really awful cycle and I am sorry this is weighing on you so heavy.
  11. NLL, if you are finding it hard to shower maybe there are some baby steps? Like wipes, or using a wet washcloth, even just deodorant? Do you have any comfort foods? Maybe a snack you loved as a child? It can be really hard to do these things but something small is better than nothing. You really deserve to be taken care of. What your son said is so beautiful. Maybe write it down and look at it when you are feeling upset? That could be one step in your plan - having some nice words to redirect to when the intrusive thoughts are getting loud
  12. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I also don't feel like anyone else understands what I am going through, so sometimes it is a breath of fresh air to read someone else describe what you are going through. It's really hard when you have other mental health issues too. I have ADHD and there are some days when my sensory issues are so freaking bad. My OCD gets hyperactive on these days. But you're not the only one feelings these things. You can weather the storm here I really connected with your words and they described a lot of the ways I feel when the anxiety and ocd completely take over. Mental health help can be so frustrating with therapists always moving around. But I think the fact that CBT has helped you in the past is a really great sign!
  13. I'm struggling a lot with this too lately. I get this awful feeling of doom, this spindling sense that something terrible will happen. Then my brain starts to think that I am going to get "caught", that everyone else will find out how terrible a person I am. Then I begin to ruminate on past interactions and my brain is making things up. Always trying to convince me that I did something outrageous. I am trying to acknowledge the feeling of anxiety without allowing myself to indulge in these thought spirals. It's hard though because then I feel so vulnerable. Like a pit. And very lonely feeling. Sometimes the compulsions feel easier than sitting and doing nothing. I like what @Lifewillbegood said about doing hands-on work. We don't need to feed into our compulsions, but you also don't need to let the anxiety paralyze you. I think next time I feel like this I'll pick up the knitting needles and get some work done =D
  14. It's really frustrating how little about ocd is actually known to the public. Despite all the awareness mental health campaigns, we still aren't discussing the reality of ocd. I feel like the ways we talk about it (calling impulses intrusive thoughts) really make people with ocd more alienated, misunderstood, judged. Cannot believe a mental health professional would have such inaccurate perceptions of ocd
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