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Feeling Lonely


Guest han

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Hi everyone :dry:

i'll get straight to the point....i've been feeling really lonely recently :crybaby:. i'm away at uni and live in a flat with two other girls and i get on brilliantly with them both but i don't seem to have the energy to socialise and keep up with my other friends (i don't have that many anyway)

i'm basically alienating myself from all the friends i made in halls of residence last year because i haven't made any effort to see any of them or talk to any of them. my flat mates both have loads of mates and sometimes i wonder if they think i'm a complete loner because i only go out rarely. i just feel so tired all the time. all i want to do is stay in doors and sleep. i have also skipped probably more than half of my lectures this term :hug:

am i just being lazy?

anyway, i know other people are in a far worse situation than me, and so i apologise if i'm insulting anyone - i guess i'm just feeling low in myself atm.

H x

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Hi han

No, of course you are not insulting anyone and your concerns and anxieties are just as important as anyone elses :crybaby:

I think it's only natural when you are struggling with any illness to have a tendancy to isolate yourself and even withdraw into yourself a wee bit. Plus I consider OCD and associated issues such as anxiety and depression to be pretty exhausting illnesses anyway..........plus of course all that strenuous studying all you students do :tongue: . Seriously though you are having to contend with a lot and it may be getting to you a bit.

Why not aim for choosing one or two activities which you would particularly like to do and have a go at them rather than feel you have to 'do everything'. I don't think there's any harm in being a bit selective.

In terms of feeling you are a loner, I don't necessarily think this need be a 'problem'. We are all individuals and after all the world would be a very boring place if we were all the same. It only really becomes a problem if it makes you feel left out or lonely. I don't know what you're 'into' but leading a fulfilling life doesn't mean going out all the time. Why not try inviting a pal around to watch a dvd or have a chat over a cuppa. I know back in my student days when I was skint, I often shared an enjoyable evening with a friend or two just chatting or watching a film. It takes all sorts to make the world tick, so please don't feel you always have to follow the crowd and be out every night partying.

I do sympathise with you because probably being at uni there is lots of peer pressure on you to 'go along with the crowd' but believe it or not there is more to life and as you get older you will become more comfortable doing your own thing.

I'm more concerned about your tiredness and you seem to be missing a lot of lectures. I think I'd get that looked into as it could be physical or psychological in cause. Are you eating properly, are you anaemic, what is your sleep like??? These are all questions which could be asked and maybe think about having a chat with your GP or student counsellor (sorry, I'm not sure if you have any mental health care workers you see eg psychologist). But don't let it continue otherwise everything will get on top of you.

By the way, no I don't think you're just being lazy :hug:

Catherine :dry:

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Hi Han,

I'm sorry you're feeling so down hun :) :hug:

I know how you feel about sleeping a lot and not making the effort to go out etc. For me it comes as part of my depression, could the same be true for you? I'm not suggesting that you have depression but when you're feeling down anyway it is quite common to sleep more than you usually do and also to perhaps retreat a bit from people. I know that when I'm feeling down then sometimes all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep half the day but I do genuinely find that when I manage to go out with friends that it makes me feel better, even if it's only for the time while I'm out :dry:. It is easier said than done but being with friends might help you to feel a lil bit better. Like Catherine has suggested, you could invite a mate over and have a girlie chat with a pizza and a video :), anything like that.

Hope you're OK, feel free to post some more if you like :)

P.S. just to reiterate Catherine's comment - you have lots of friends on here! :( :crybaby:

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Hi, thanks so much guys, i really appreciate your kind words. :)

i am on antidepressants (for a long time i was adamant that they were just for anxiety and not depression but i've accepted it now), so depression is probably the underlying cause of my feelings (i don't think they're working as well as they used to...but thats a different matter). I think the main problem is a very low self esteem - i always feel scared to 'make the first move' with my friends and phone them because i feel that then they have to talk to me whether they want to or not. whereas if they phone me or invite me to do something, then thats there choice - they have chosen to spend time with me rather than feeling forced to spend time with me if they don't really want to (or having to make an excuse on the spot).

basically i guess i just feel pretty worthless. the only people i know that actually love me unconditionally are my parents.

Catherine, i have had quite a few hobbies in the past two years, but i gradually stop going. it takes me so long to become confident enough with people to count them as my friends so after a few months, despite my want to go to these things i feel left out and slightly intimidated by people there because everyone else seems so confident :lol: . whats wrong with me ? :huh: i really miss school - most my old school mates ignore me now - not because they're nasty but because i think they've just moved on and are having way more fun at uni than i am. (don't get me wrong, i am very happy for them though! just wish they would get in touch - i make an effort with them! :( )

thanks again,

x

p.s.

plus of course all that strenuous studying all you students do

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yeah right :lol: :wallbash:

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Hi han

I know that low self esteem is something I constantly struggle with, and it seems to be some kind of in built mechanism. I have to say though that through my work with a psychologist I have become a bit more self assured, and now have moments when I feel reasonably confident, although you never quite know how long it's going to last!

It may sound odd but my best pal is my 12 year old nephew. Many years ago when he was little, I really wanted to take him out somewhere like the park but couldn't summon up the courage to ask him/his mum (who's my sister). I thought he may reject me and wouldn't want to go out with someone as pathetic as me. But you know I plucked up the courage one day and low and behold he said he wanted to go to the park and we had a great time :cheers: . That gave me the confidence to ask him again and so it gradually built up over the years. Now, we do all sorts together and have just been out for the day today to see some animals we have sponsored. OK so he's getting to that age when he won't want to go out with me as much and will become more involved with his pals, but the thing is we have a really solid relationship now and I believe we'll always be very close.

I would never have believed I could have made a friendship like this, even though it may sound a bit bizarre as he's my nephew, but it's great. It has helped me to feel worthwhile and even likeable, even if it is still difficult for me to form other friendships. But maybe with you there will be just one or two people whom you feel more comfortable with and one day you will take the risk of asking them over for that video and chat. Yes, you run the risk of 'rejection' from them, but I somehow don't feel that will happen. The reality is you are a far more valuable person than you feel or give yourself credit for. They may say yes, they'll come over and you end up having a really good evening. Slowly you will come to build up that relationship and try other things like going shopping together or to the cinema etc. I'm afraid there comes the point where you do have to bite the bullet and take that risk of asking someone over :)

If you do feel depressed, I very much feel therapy is the best route out and I don't know whether this has ever been offered to you? If not, then I would seriously consider requesting it either via student services or your GP. Good therapy can be life transforming :)

the only people i know that actually love me unconditionally are my parents.

Yeah, I know what you mean, and they'll never stop loving you :)

Have a good think about therapy, han..........in between all that studying of course :thumbup:

Catherine :)

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Hi Han :thumbup: xx

So sorry you're feeling so low at the minute hunny, ((Hugs))XX

I think the main problem is a very low self esteem - i always feel scared to 'make the first move' with my friends and phone them because i feel that then they have to talk to me whether they want to or not. whereas if they phone me or invite me to do something, then thats there choice - they have chosen to spend time with me rather than feeling forced to spend time with me if they don't really want to (or having to make an excuse on the spot).

Oh mate, I could of written that :) , That is exactly how I feel. First off mate, You are definately NOT worthless :cheers: You are having a rough time and this is the depression talking, I'm sure you're a lovely person and I bet you have loads of good qualities :)xx

Just a suggestion... Maybe you could arrange a night out or something? Cinema, Meal etc??? I know that will be tough but I think that as soon as you get in the circle a bit, things could just go from there??? Sorry if this is useless hun :) , I know it's been said, but I just wanted to offer my supportxx

Sorry this isn't any help :)

take care

Love Bluexx

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thanks Catherine and Blue, hope you are both doing ok atm (and everyone else generally) :)

something occured to me today...i think that through my depression i have been overestimating my self worthlessness and underestimating the number of mates i have. deep down i know people care about me so i think i just need to gain a bit of assertiveness and confidence and start going out again. as of next week i'm going to join a new society (one i'd been planning to join for ages but never got round to doing it...) and call my uni mates who i haven't been out with since the beginning of term. i'm still feeling low at the moment, because the changes haven't happened yet, but i can see some light at the end of the tunnel. to make sure i do make changes, i have made a checklist for next week:

1) invite mutual friend of me and flatmate (which will make it easier) round for dinner

2) phone mates and organise to go out (i seem to prefer neutral ground)

3) go to society meeting

4) and of course go to all lectures (well...over 50% at least) - also going to lectures means seeing my mates from my course.

5) catch up with old mates through e-mail

hopefully by this time next week i will be feeling better....(don't worry i'm not pinning hopes on anything).

thanks again for listening,

H xx

p.s. i went to all my lectures today (i.e 2 lectures)! :thumbup: (and the first one was early: 10:00am (!!!!) :omg: :lol2: ) for anyone who actually has to be up at an actual early time, feel free to :cheers: me!

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Hi han,

I don't usually ever visit this forum, as I can always be found in the OCD or general discussion forums.

However, I just wanted to respond to your post because I also suffer from depression and can't actually work at the moment because of it. I know exactly where you're coming from re not wanting to make the effort, feeling tired, shutting yourself away, etc. and I'm sure it's the depression talking.

Well done for listing your positives!! That is the first step to getting yourself out of the rut and it is a brave thing to do when you're feeling so low.

Good luck and I hope you get on the right road to recovery!!

Love Andrea

xx

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