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lonelygirl91

When does your OCD get worse?

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My themes have been switching. Over the Christmas holidays I was obsessed that I had rabies but that's passed now. Now I'm worried I'm a lesbian or bi, an obsession I've suffered with for years.

In the new year I met this guy who I really liked. He was exactly my type and it was the first time in such a long long time since I've really liked and fancied a guy that I've met. We met twice and we got intimate which had been the first time I'd been intimate in a really long time. I really liked me but be messed me around and said he wasn't looking for anything serious despite saying that he wanted to get to know me and how much he liked me. I was really gutted.

I've now been worrying what if I'm a lesbian or bi? I get horny thinking about guys but today I started mentally testing and things got really bad. I mentally tested a scenario where I was naked and making out with a girl. It caused such anxiety that I felt so bad I couldn't focus on work and had to leave work early.

I kept testing in detail what if I'd want to be intimate with a woman. Part of it made me seem like I could and desire it which freaked me out and made me even more anxious. I felt so depressed and hopeless. Mentally testing is so exhausting. I really have to focus so hard to conjure up these thoughts and my brain keeps trying to loose focus. Is mental testing and checking that exhausting. When I think about a guy I enjoy it and it doesn't get in the way of my life. Before I felt really horny about guys. I thought I'd mentally check if I could do stuff with a woman to make sure I'm straight but it spiralled out of control. My mind made me seem like I could want to do stuff with a woman which freaked me out. Does OCD trick you like this? I'm stable now and not mentally testing because I'm mentally exhausted but I know I'll try to test later.

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By the way I really enjoyed being intimate with this guy even though I felt nervous. I really wanted to stay at his but couldn't because I didn't take my medication which I need to help me sleep and I feel anxious about sleeping without it. I looked forward to sleeping with him again but unfortunately he messed me around and doesn't want to see me anymore. 

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Mental testing. You do that a lot. It's a compulsion and it is keeping you stuck. You must stop doing that if you want to move forward.

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