OCD/Scrupulosity and anger

[Andiamo]

Hi all,

I've had a rough go of it for this entire month. A lot of it is my own doing but I feel overwhelmed at the moment. My obsessions focus primarily on religious themes, blasphemy, talking to satan, thinking horrible things (I am Roman Catholic). The one thing I have noticed is that ever since I have become more anxious and frustrated, the thoughts have escalated. I had one night of just losing my temper and thinking horrible things in the midst of a mini-anger attack. Another night while sitting near my bed, I hoped for horrible things to happen to myself, also with the taint of anger and frustration. 

 

Is it common for thoughts of one's OCD variety to be worse or the intrusive thoughts to come along more forcefully when we are in an emotional state? Specifically an emotional state that is very negative. It has caused me to ruminate endlessly over whether this is what I really want or really believe, or whether it's all OCD. Now there are times when I avoid ruminating, but there's this pit in my stomach with the accompanying feeling that I have done something terrible and evil. I am currently fearing whether I have vocalized these thoughts and want to say them out loud. I think that's sort of part of the magical thinking that I am engaged in? I know you guys have gotten this question over and over times 100, but I really can't seem to get past the belief in my mind that I am this or have thought this, etc. I am currently looking for a new therapist, and unfortunately I do not receive much support from family and friends. I actually try to keep all of this to myself to the best of my ability, but it feels suffocating at times. Thank you. 

[dksea]

Peace be with you @Andiamo  (I'm Catholic too)
 

4 hours ago, Andiamo said:

Is it common for thoughts of one's OCD variety to be worse or the intrusive thoughts to come along more forcefully when we are in an emotional state?

I would say yes, absolutely this is common.  Stress often makes OCD symptoms worse, and negative emotional states are often stressful.

Its normal to feel anger, its normal to be upset, these things happen to all of us, and experiencing negative emotions alone is healthy, if not always pleasant.  OCD sets impossible standards for us though, it demands we be absolutely perfect in various ways, whether its in how we think, or what we feel, or even how we act.  Part of overcoming OCD is accepting that these are not realistic goals AND that you don't have to play by OCD's rules to live a good life and to be a good person.  All of what you describe sound like very "normal" OCD symptoms and behaviors.  You are not alone in struggling with these thoughts (in fact, scrupulosity is one of the oldest documented expressions of OCD).
 

4 hours ago, Andiamo said:

but I really can't seem to get past the belief in my mind that I am this or have thought this, etc.

This is also, unfortunately, a common experience with OCD.  OCD is built on doubt, its built on our inability to feel SURE about certain intrusive thoughts.  If we didn't have that doubt we wouldn't have OCD.  The thing is no one is EVER 100% sure about anything, its an impossibility.  But people without OCD feel like they are 100% sure because their brain signals "all clear" when they are sure ENOUGH.  Even OCD sufferers operate that way most of the time for most other thoughts.

Think about it this way, when you wake up in the morning,  you open your bedroom door.  Now, I'm willing to bet that you don't have some kind of elaborate mirror or camera setup to see whats outside your door.  You open it without really thinking about it, even though, in theory, a hungry bear could be waiting just on the other side of it.  Or a serial killer.  Or a giant sink hole.  Or any of a number of other hazards.  You can't be 100% sure none of those things are there right?  So why don't you worry about it when you open your door everyday?  Because you are sure ENOUGH that they aren't there.  Your brain knows that the odds of any one of those things being there is really really small.  So when you go to open the door each day your brain asks and answers the question of (is this safe?) without you even noticing.  Thats normal.  Thats life without OCD.

WITH OCD on the other hand, you get to the door (or some other situation) and your brain doesn't trigger the "all clear".  When it considerers whether or not the door is safe it says "well I'm not 100% sure so maybe not" and you begin to worry.  Unfortunately no matter what you do, you can't seem to get your brain to give the "all clear" like it should.  Maybe you can get it temporarily by doing some compulsions to trick your brain, but it always figures it out.  Always gets back to worrying.  Even if you are 99.99999% sure its safe, there is a part of your mind that keeps pulling at you and so you doubt.

Right now the thought "what if I'm really like this, what if this is the real me" is the bear behind the door for you.  The odds of it being true are extremely low.  Absent OCD you probably wouldn't even consider it, the all-clear would fire.  But for you, unfortunately, the all-clear isn't firing, and so you are left worrying.  But just because you are worrying, doesn't mean its true.  Whether or not its true hasn't changed, no matter how much you worry about it it doesn't make it more likely to be true.  OCD is lying to you, but you don't have to listen to it.  You do have to accept that, at least for now, you can't feel 100% sure like you want to, but you CAN decide that you are sure enough and you aren't going to let OCD be in charge.  You can work on doing things you want to do and pushing aside the OCD when it gets in your way.  Hopefully you can see a therapist again soon to help you through that, but consider picking up one or two of the great OCD self help books that are out there.  You can do a lot of the same work on your own or with the help of a friend.  Its always nice to have an experienced coach but something is better than nothing in cases like this.  Hang in there!
 

[paradoxer]

OCD loves nothing more than desperation or vulnerability. 

[Andiamo]

@dksea

thank you for your great reply! You provided some great points to remember. It’s been disappointing how I went from doing pretty ok to just having a down and out month. I am also planning to go to confession soon. Hoping to put my thoughts and feelings behind me. It’s kind of scary how real the thoughts are, I kind of lose sight of how I normally think. I don’t really remember how I processed things or thought about various things before my spell with OCD (going on 3 years this past month). Thanks again for your kind words. I need to pick up some books like Brain Lock and Imp of the Mind. They might help me understand my situation better. It’s hard to see it from afar since I’m immersed in it on a daily basis 

 

 

[dksea]

16 hours ago, Andiamo said:

I am also planning to go to confession soon. Hoping to put my thoughts and feelings behind me.

Confession can bring great relief and help you in your spiritual and regular growth, but I'd try to separate as much as you can the genuine confession from confessing to your OCD related thoughts.  Simply confessing your OCD thoughts will not, sadly, make them go away.  Like washing your hands, when done the right amount of times it is healthy, when done too much or for the wrong things it becomes unhealthy.
 

17 hours ago, Andiamo said:

It’s kind of scary how real the thoughts are, I kind of lose sight of how I normally think. I don’t really remember how I processed things or thought about various things before my spell with OCD (going on 3 years this past month).

Yes, unfortunately it can be very difficult, but with practice you can get back to living your life!

One thing to keep in mind is that all thoughts are "real", either we have a thought or we don't after all.  But that doesn't mean all thoughts have meaning.  Studies have been done that show that non-OCD people get these same type of thoughts that OCD people do, the difference is not whether you have the thoughts, the difference is how easily the brain can dismiss them.

For example, maybe you have a bad day at work, maybe your coworker does something that really annoys you.  You have the image pass through your head of punching your coworker.  Being a good person you obviously DONT punch them, that would be bad for them, bad for you, bad for everyone.  You can't control that the image popped in to. your head, just how you react to it right?  Well most people would have the image pop in to their head, then ignore it because they know they would never do something like that.  Its normal, its healthy, life goes on.  An OCD person might get stuck on that thought:  "Why would I think that?  What kind of person thinks about punching another person? What if it means I really WANT to do it?  Does that make me a monster?" etc. etc.  The problem isn't the thought itself, its how we react to the thought.  A non-OCD persons brain will automatically react to the thought in a generally healthy way, an OCD persons brain unfortunately has trouble.  It requires more manual effort (think of it as the difference between a bicycle and a motorcycle both going up a hill).  The good news is over time, with enough manual effort you can get your brain functioning more like a "normal" brain again, you can teach your brain to respond better.
 

17 hours ago, Andiamo said:

I need to pick up some books like Brain Lock and Imp of the Mind. They might help me understand my situation better. It’s hard to see it from afar since I’m immersed in it on a daily basis 

Learning can be a big help, Brain Lock was important for me in my recovery, and I definitely recommend it.  That said, I do caution about going in to book overload.  You probably only need a couple of books on OCD to get the picture.  There is a temptation (and I gave in to it at first too) to buy book after book, hoping for that "ah ha" moment where everything falls in to place and your problem is solved, where you just "get it".  Unfortunately OCD (like many things in life) requires some understanding coupled with a lot of work.  More books probably aren't going to make too much difference after awhile, the important part is to put together a treatment plan and follow it.

And yeah, it can be frustrating being in the middle of the OCD forest trying to find your way out, it seems like you are just surrounded by trees. But if you follow the path to recovery you'll find yourself out of the trees again, even if day to day it doesn't seem like a huge change is happening, you might be closer than you think.

[Andiamo]

@dksea

Yes, that’s something I have struggled with, confessing but immediately wanting to go back and “re-do” it. Especially if I have the troublesome thoughts pop into my mind, thus renewing the guilt cycle. I am hoping to one day have a spiritual counselor or someone to help guide me in this struggle. 

I am glad to hear that what I am feeling is not super rare or somehow infrequent. But then again, almost all questions about OCD are like that most likely...

Thank you again for your wonderful insight and support! 

[dksea]

15 hours ago, Andiamo said:

Yes, that’s something I have struggled with, confessing but immediately wanting to go back and “re-do” it. Especially if I have the troublesome thoughts pop into my mind, thus renewing the guilt cycle. I am hoping to one day have a spiritual counselor or someone to help guide me in this struggle. 

I am glad to hear that what I am feeling is not super rare or somehow infrequent. But then again, almost all questions about OCD are like that most likely...

Thank you again for your wonderful insight and support! 

You're welcome!  I figure if at least SOME good can come out of having OCD thats something right?  

And of course its a lot easier to give advice and say "ok here's what you should do" than to actually DO the thing.  Don't be hard on yourself if you struggle or make mistakes along the way.  OCD demands you be perfect, life doesn't, and OCD is wrong.