I'm lost

[Findingmeagain]

Wasnt sure if there was anyone who could help me, I'm having a really difficult time for a while now and have been extremely low since last night where things got too out of control for me.

 

I've never reached out to help b4 like this. I'm just stuck, my head is stuck, I want to just explode or someone to knock me out or just b locked away. Its uncontrollable.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

[Gemma7]

Hi Findingmeagain, welcome to the forum

Have you been diagnosed with OCD? Have you had any help with it? I'm sure if you share some of what you're experiencing, there will be people here who understand and can help you

[Findingmeagain]

I was diagnosed 24 years ago, but had it before this, I just thought mayb I was from another planet. I've had cbt, counselling on and off over the years. I've been on medication for about 18 years. 

I've got so many issues, rituals etc I couldn't possibly count, touching things, special numbers relating to people, walking back places, reading forwards then having to read backwards but a lot of the time it's about getting all these things just right. And it's never just once, sometimes 5, 10, 20 or more.

More recently I've had issues with contamination. Not germs, but death. We recently went on holiday and there was a tragic accident that we witnessed (I feel guilty for even writing about this as why should I have the right, the people that were directly affected and had a lose are the ones who suffered the most) that was so hard to write! Writing it put makes it seem more real and I've been trying so hard to block it all out. I think about it each day for nearly 2 months. I've been throwing things away, even new things that has anything to do with the holiday and reminds me of it. Originally when we got back off holiday, I got family to help with cleaning and washing things down. But now even those items are feeling contaminated again and then anything they touch becomes contaminated. It's spreading so much  I feel breathless and panicky talking about it to you. It's spread so much, we are throwing more and more away, when it came to a point 2 nights ago, I couldn't take it no more. Left the house crying and in a state. After sometime sat in my car alone, crying, heathing to be sick and getting angry and tapping/hitting my head, (I know that sounds crazy) Luckily I made the right choice this time and went to a friend to ask for help. 

After some time when I was calmer, she took me home and explained to my partner how I was feeling so I didnt have to go all through it again. My Mum is also mostly around supporting us too. My family and including my sisters can be very supportive. 

Since that night I've been practically in bed, I'm just avoiding going down to see all the bits that have been affected and not knowing what to do with them and how far do I go throwing things away. Especially as it's not all mine to get rid off.

My partner has been really great. I know we aren't supposed to have all the reassurance, but he just wants to help me. That night he through all the food out of a cupboard and washed it down that I've been struggling with as some of the tins etc we had taken away with us and not used. But over time when trying to use the food items, everything it touched, i had to clean including my clothes and anywhere else it spread. 

I now feel sick. Sorry mayb too much detail.

I feel guilty because of the waste, but just need everything gone, but I'm scared as beginning to think, it's not possible. 

Even though he through everything away, I could hear him putting tins on the side and touching cupboards which I blocked my ears and tried to block out. Anxiety wanting to scream. Then my mind questions did he put them straight on the side, did he open the cupboard door in the hall way with the same hand. What did he use to do it, did that touch anything and is now contaminated.

This is just part of my ocd. I have so much more to contend with and other threatening thoughts.

I've started 12 wk cbt. Only 2 was in atm. Only been talking mainly. Now she's off for 2wks. I want to do the cbt, I know I need to, but the thought of the difficulty it's going to make me face scares the **** out of me! 

I'm sure there's more I can tell you, but for now this is a big step.

Thank you for your reply and thank you for listening if you got this far

[Gemma7]

Well done Findingmeagain if that was hard for you to say

You clearly do a lot of compulsions and with this traumatic experience on holiday, no wonder you are struggling at the moment. OCD can be so difficult, make simple things really frightening and really limit our lives. 

It's great that you've started CBT and it's totally natural that you feel very anxious about facing your fears. Try to remember that the therapist will explain fully what it is they want you to do and will be there to support you through it. I had terrible contamination OCD too at one point, I had to move out of my house, but with CBT I faced my fears and gradually was able to live freely in it again. 

I really recommend the self-help book Break free from OCD as some support to your therapy, it's the book that got me on the road to recovery. You can get better, you are not alone

[BelAnna]

Hi Findingmeagain,

I'm so sorry you're feeling so unwell just now; we can all relate to how horrendous OCD can be. 

It sounds as though you are going through a very difficult time just now and I think that you might be experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or at the very least some trauma from the event that you witnessed. If things continue as they are then it would be worth seeing your GP and asking for a referral to the CMHT or arranging an appointment with a private Psychologist or Psychiatrist. 

What's really happening is that the thoughts and fear (or terror) from the holiday are staying with you. You want to get rid of them. So you associate lots of items and objects with the memory and consider them contaminated. You get rid of them in an attempt to get rid of the memory and OCD decides that it's also an attempt to get rid of the threat of death. The objects are all safe. You are safe. Your family is safe. If you started using all of these objects again tomorrow then nothing would happen. 

Although CBT is really helpful for OCD, you might need a bit more specialist help for the PTSD. 

I really hope things start to improve soon!