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Cora

What do I do now...

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I'm really sorry for keep posting here but I need to get this off my chest.
But I want you to know that I really, really appreciate all the advices I've been given before! I'm really thankful for that! 

I have a really hard time believing that I indeed have OCD. The thing that makes the doubt so strong is that I recently had an unacceptable thought that wasn't intrusive. It was my own thought. I actually thought of a disgusting thing. I can't remember why. I can only guess it was because I'm turning into someone terrible. I don't think I've heard about people with OCD that think about things they don't like or are scared of on purpose.
Also, when I had the thought my body reacted, and it felt like that was what I wanted to feel (if it makes sense).

I really want to talk about this with my therapist but at the same time I don't want to, because I'm scared he'll change his opinion about me. But if I don't, I will end up feeling worse. 

At this point, I really hate myself. And not just for this. There are lots of things that happened for the past 8 months. And I don't think I deserve forgiveness. I really don't know what to do...
 

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

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Hi Cora,

what you're describing is very common and what I've seen so many people on this forum say (and have been worried about myself too). The whole "it wasn't an intrusive thought because I thought about it on purpose" thing - when a worry is on your mind, you will sometimes think about it on purpose, intrusive thoughts are not always coming out of nowhere but that doesn't make them any more real. The fact that your body reacted and you felt that you wanted it is yet another trick of OCD. 

You really should talk to your therapist about this, he can explain all of this to you. Just know that what you're describing is what so many of us experience, it is not unique and it certainly does not mean that it's not OCD. 

Edited by malina

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6 hours ago, Cora said:

I have a really hard time believing that I indeed have OCD. The thing that makes the doubt so strong is that I recently had an unacceptable thought that wasn't intrusive. It was my own thought. I actually thought of a disgusting thing. I can't remember why. I can only guess it was because I'm turning into someone terrible. I don't think I've heard about people with OCD that think about things they don't like or are scared of on purpose.

This kind of experience and thinking is (unfortunately) typical of OCD.  One of the core problems with OCD is doubt after all.

Here's the thing about thoughts.  Every thought you have is your own thought.  There is no way for you to have a thought that is not yours, if you think it it, it came from your brain somewhere. HOWEVER, and this is a big however, HAVING a thought is very very different than WANTING a thought (and even wanting a thought is very very different than acting on a thought, just because I WANT a million dollars doesn't mean I'll rob a bank to get it for example).  If you are aware of something, if you know it exists, you can have a thought about it, good, bad, or anywhere in between.  You can have a thought about murder for example.  It doesn't mean you ARE a murderer or WANT to be a murderer, you can think about murder since you know it exists.  In fact to just read this sentence you are ALREADY thinking about murder because I used the word.  Thats how the brain works.  EVERYONE gets thoughts about unpleasant things because unpleasant things exist in the world and as soon as you know it exists you can think about it.  

Its also important to understand a bit about how the brain works.  We like to think that our brain and our self are one and the same, but thats not really true. Your brain is constantly thinking about breathing and your heart beating for example, that happens automatically, you don't consciously choose to do it ( most of the time) for example.  But even beyond that, thoughts pop in to your mind all the time from the world around you for one reason or another.  For example, maybe you are walking down the street and you smell a certain flower and it reminds you of your grandmother because her house had those same smelling flowers.  You didn't CHOOSE to think of your grandmother, your subconscious mind made that connection for you.  It raised the thought to your conscious mind and because you thought it was important, you continued to focus on it.  But there are thoughts that occur all the time you don't notice.  For example in a crowded room you are hearing many different conversations, all that sound is going in to your head at once.  So how are you able to focus on just one conversation?  Because your brain automatically helps pick out the parts of noise that you want to focus on.  You are still hearing and maybe even having thoughts about the other stuff, it just doesn't bubble up to your conscious mind as much.  Yet if someone in another conversation says your name, immediately your brain notices because that topic is important to you.  You didn't decide to suddenly hear the conversation, only to pay attention to it.

Usually the brain is pretty good at paying attention only to important things, but even without OCD you've probably experienced when it makes a mistake.  You might think you hear someone talking to you, or think you see something, but you really didn't.  False alarm.  But no big deal, you realize its not important and move on.  OCD becomes a problem because you get these false alarms and you can't seem to shut them off, you can't seem to move on, even when you realize its unimportant!  The thoughts are not the problem, as I said everyone can get intrusive thoughts, the problem is that we struggle to move away from the thought, we struggle to treat it as unimportant, and since we can't move away, we start reacting as if it IS important, because thats what we are used to doing when a thought won't fade away/go away like normal.

All of which is a long way of saying, the thoughts don't matter, they are totally normal, they don't mean you are a monster, the problem is our reaction to them and treating them like they DO matter.  Your situation is utterly typical for an OCD sufferer, and while it can't make you feel better right away, knowing that you can do your best to treat this and other future intrusive thoughts with as little active attention as you can.  The sooner and stronger you can do that, the faster your recovery will be.

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Hi
I'm sorry to be posting here again but I feel worse and I think I could use your help again guys.

My thoughts and urges feel like a real temptation. It feels like I can't control myself and one day I'll just do something terrible. What is this? How can this be OCD? It feels very, very real. I feel like a fraud and most importantly like a paedophile. 

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

Hi
I'm sorry to be posting here again but I feel worse and I think I could use your help again guys.

My thoughts and urges feel like a real temptation. It feels like I can't control myself and one day I'll just do something terrible. What is this? How can this be OCD? It feels very, very real. I feel like a fraud and most importantly like a paedophile. 

Hi Cora,

I know EXACTLY how this feels! My intrusive thoughts are not sexual, they are about self harm, but regardless I have the exact same feeling that I can't control myself and that I'll just let go of the control I do have and act on it. Like your thoughts, it feels very real to me too. So even though the content of the thought isn't the same, it looks like the underlying feelings are very similar, which to me suggests that it is indeed OCD. 

I know it may be hard for you to believe, but many of us understand how hard this is for you. The good news is that you can learn to manage this. I personally have never acted out on my terrible thoughts, I have never harmed myself or anyone else. Over time, with CBT and ERP, I have learned to cope with these thoughts and feelings and they have gone down a lot. You need to engage with your therapy as much as you can and you will get better too. 

Hang in there and stay positive, you can do this!

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On 23/02/2020 at 20:27, Cora said:

My thoughts and urges feel like a real temptation. It feels like I can't control myself and one day I'll just do something terrible. What is this? How can this be OCD? It feels very, very real.

Absolutely painful, absolutely typical of OCD.  If it didn't feel 'real' it wouldn't bother us.  It can be OCD because OCD causes us to feel doubt, anxiety, fear, exactly what you are feeling now.  "What if I lose control..." "What if this sensation means I want to do X..." etc.  This is how OCD feels, unfortunately.

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Malina and dksea, thank you so much for your words, time, effort and help! You're truly amazing ! 

The thing is I'm really worried that all these feelings, which at this point feel more like impulses, mean something more. I feel like I need to be locked up somewhere I so I don't hurt anyone. If I can't control myself, I'm not allowed to be free and walk around like a normal person. 
Tomorrow I'm seeing my therapist, and I'll try to talk to him about all these feelings, impulses and temptations. I'm enormously scared. I'm convinced this will going to change his opinion, and he'll have to take the appropriate measures. I have no idea how I got in this situation but it feels like there's no turning back. I'm such a disgusting being... can't even express in words how disgusting and terrible I am! 
And the hardest thing right now is pretending that everything is okay. When I'm with my boyfriend, family and friends I have to smile and pretend that nothing's wrong. And they have to spend time with someone this disgusting. Geez!! I just to want disappear! 

I'm sorry for this rambling text but thank you for reading it! 

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16 hours ago, Cora said:

The thing is I'm really worried that all these feelings, which at this point feel more like impulses, mean something more.

I completely understand that you are worried.  I completely understand that these feelings make you uncomfortable.  I completely understand because I have been in the same exact place because thats OCD.  Nothing you are saying surprises or alarms me because I've experienced it first hand, as have many many others both here on this forum and around the world.  OCD sucks, but its still OCD.

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On 25/02/2020 at 10:04, Cora said:

The thing is I'm really worried that all these feelings, which at this point feel more like impulses, mean something more.

This is a very common feeling in OCD. I've had this a lot myself. 

On 25/02/2020 at 10:04, Cora said:

I'm such a disgusting being... can't even express in words how disgusting and terrible I am! 
And the hardest thing right now is pretending that everything is okay. When I'm with my boyfriend, family and friends I have to smile and pretend that nothing's wrong. And they have to spend time with someone this disgusting. Geez!! I just to want disappear! 

It's very sad that you feel this way Cora. I understand that you don't yet believe you have OCD and that is okay, it takes time to learn about your condition and to accept that your intrusive thoughts/feelings aren't real. I just hope that you start accepting it soon because it's sad to see you suffering so much for no reason at all. 

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Thank you for your replies!

I feel very bad at the moment. I feel like a real monster. I feel like I don't deserve help or forgiveness. And I don't know what to do and how to live anymore.

The saddest part is that it seems that I'm in denial, because for the past week it felt like I've been teaching myself how not to be a paedophile by not thinking about the thoughts and reactions/urges I get. So it's denial! How can this still be OCD when it feels like denial?!

I'm so guilty for all the thoughts, urges, temptations and impulses I have and used to have. I am a monster! I really want to just not exist anymore...

I'm sorry for this nonsense but I'm just so lost and confused... 

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10 hours ago, Cora said:

I feel very bad at the moment. I feel like a real monster. I feel like I don't deserve help or forgiveness. And I don't know what to do and how to live anymore.

You absolutely deserve help, everyone deserves help.
 

10 hours ago, Cora said:

The saddest part is that it seems that I'm in denial, because for the past week it felt like I've been teaching myself how not to be a paedophile by not thinking about the thoughts and reactions/urges I get. So it's denial! How can this still be OCD when it feels like denial?!

It can be OCD because thats exactly how OCD feels.  I know it probably feels to you like this is somehow different, like what other people are feeling isn't quite the same as what you are, but thats what other OCD sufferers feel too.  Its unfortunately the nature of the disease, its built on doubt, including doubt that you even have OCD.
 

10 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm so guilty for all the thoughts, urges, temptations and impulses I have and used to have.

You are not guilty, you are suffering.  A thought is just a thought, everyone gets unpleasant thoughts, it does not make you a bad person.  People have "bad" thoughts from time to time.  For example I have had the thought about wanting to punch a person who I found really annoying more than once in life.  if I were to start going around hitting people, that would probably be a bad thing, but just having the thought doesn't make me bad.  And thats normal life, thats not even a thought where OCD is at play.  We can have thoughts that pop in to our head, images, ideas, that get "stuck" thanks to OCD.  It doesn't mean we WANT them to be there, and it doesn't mean we DESIRE them at all.  They are stuck because OCD happens to affect us.  And it sucks, its really bad, but it doesn't make us bad people, it makes us victims, victims of a painful disorder.

There is a difference between having a thought and wanting a thought.  There is a difference between wanting a thought and doing what the thought says.  A thought (or urge or temptation or whatever you want to call it) doesn't mean you are a monster, it doesn't mean you are bad.  You are suffering because you have OCD.  yes these thoughts seem to be what's bothering you, but the real thing thats causing it all is OCD.  You are not a bad person because you have OCD, you really aren't.  You can forgive yourself.

 

10 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry for this nonsense but I'm just so lost and confused... 

No need to apologize, thats why this forum is here, to be able to reach out and share with others who can understand.  To share your pain and hopefully get past it.  OCD sucks, but its not unbeatable, there is hope, I promise.
 

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18 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm so guilty for all the thoughts, urges, temptations and impulses I have and used to have. I am a monster! I really want to just not exist anymore...

No, you are not guilty. Cora, like you I have had terrible thoughts and impulses that I never wanted or asked for. I remember once when I was very young my elderly neighbour welcomed me into her home to wait for my parents, she was so kind to me and yet I had this urge to attack her, to cause her harm, to beat her. I didn't do it, I felt completely terrified by this urge but it felt so strong and I thought that I could do it. Does that make me a monster? That is just one example of the horrible thoughts and urges I had and for so long I didn't know what caused them, until I got diagnosed with OCD and realised that all of these horrible experiences had an explanation and that I could get better.

If that was my case, why can't it be true for you? There are professionals who tell you that you have OCD, other sufferers of OCD relate to your experiences and tell you that they are very common in this disorder.

Maybe you need to take it all of this information from other people, people who have the knowledge and experience, and just trust that they know what they are talking about. 

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Thank you for your replies. 

I've been feeling a bit better for the past days. However, today I'm back to ruminating and worrying. Also, there's a really strong feeling of guilt that I can't understand. I don't really know the reasons behind this feeling, but I mostly believe it's because of the past urges, especially the ones towards my brother, who is only 8 years old. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for the urges and feelings I had. Specifically for the ones that I had on purpose. This feeling of guilt is really uncomfortable. And I'm really scared that it means something. I really don't know how to interpret or deal with it!
Also, I've noticed that my maternal feelings for my brother have disappeared. (I have been taking care of him since he was born hence we are very close even though there is a 14 age difference between us; sometimes it even feels like he is my son, I know, it sounds weird but it's true). It's like I have to force the feelings of love and compassion. For example, he has been sick for the past few days and I had to take care of him for a little bit. There were moments when I felt genuine (sibling) love for him, however there were also moments where I didn't feel anything, which is scary and worrying. 
Another thing that scares me is that I can't define the relationship between a parent and his kid(s) pure and unique anymore. Whenever I see or I think about parents and their children, I only think of something of a sexual nature. And I can't stop it. It even happens when I see my parents with my brother doing the normal parent-child things. It's weird and sick, I know!

I feel dirty and disgusting while typing this. But I thought I needed to share this with you and ask you if you still believe that this is OCD. And I know that a lot of OCD sufferers have the tendency/compulsion to confess everything to make sure that the person/people they are confessing to have all the information needed before making a decision in regards to whether the sufferer has OCD or not, and I know that ,maybe is wasn't necessary to share all the things from above but I really had to. 

I apologise for the long text, and also if some bits don't make sense.

Thank you for reading this! I really appreciate it! 

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9 hours ago, Cora said:

Also, there's a really strong feeling of guilt that I can't understand. I don't really know the reasons behind this feeling, but I mostly believe it's because of the past urges, especially the ones towards my brother, who is only 8 years old. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for the urges and feelings I had. Specifically for the ones that I had on purpose. This feeling of guilt is really uncomfortable. And I'm really scared that it means something. I really don't know how to interpret or deal with it!

We can't directly control our emotions.  We can't simply decide "ok for the next five minutes I will be happy, now I will be sad" etc.  We can ACT happy or sad, but thats different.  We can, however have indirect control over our emotions.  We can take a positive or negative attitude towards a situation for example and that will change how we feel emotionally.  Maybe you planned an outing with your best friend to an outdoor event.  You really look forward to it.  On the day it happens, it rains.  Of course its a little sad and disappointing that you can't go to the event.  But you can't control that.  You can, however decide to make the most of the situation, say choose a different activity to do together, or enjoy an indoor day at home relaxing, etc.  You can still have a good day even if its not the one you originally planned.

You can't directly control that you have negative feelings about this situation.  You can control how you react to it and how you think about it.  You can decide that the situation is not worth feeling guilty over and when you feel bad you won't spend time ruminating on it.  You can control whether or not you forgive yourself, thats a choice.  It doesn't mean you might not feel bad or guilty sometimes, but you can decide not to punish yourself for it.  

Also, remember, feeling bad doesn't mean something IS bad.  You can feel an emotion without the reason for it being real.  This happens all the time.  You watch a tv show where your favorite character dies and you feel genuinely sad.  Why? Its not real, its not like a person really died.  Why feel sad?  Because emotion and reality are not linked 1 to 1.  You can feel genuine feelings for non real situations.  Feeling sad doesn't mean a sad thing REALLY happened.  Feeling guilt doesn't mean you have a reason to BE guilty. Feeling fear doesn't mean you are ACTUALLY in any danger.  You get to choose how you act and how you behave, which CAN affect how you feel, but you don't get direct control over your emotions.  None of us do.

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I know I'm annoying for keep coming back here and posting the same old thing... but everything I experience at the moment is REAL, very, very REAL!
And I know that this is a very common thing for OCD sufferers but for the past days the guilt has been eating me alive. How can someone with OCD have real temptations? I don't get it. But I guess the only answer is that it's not OCD (I keep saying this, but I just can't see it as OCD, I don't think I ever will). I can't forgive myself for the urges I had. For the physical responses. For enjoying those responses (or at least that's how it felt at that time). And for simply being who I am. I hate myself. And I hate for failing as a daughter and sister.

I don't have the strength and will to change what I am. I don't know what do to with myself anymore. I can't stand the fact that I am a paedophile. How do I live with this from now on? How do I pretend that everything is fine? 

And then I have so much coursework to do (I'll probably fail uni, but oh well, it's only my fault), and that makes things even harder. Because I have to try and focus on the work that needs to be done. But I simply can't. Sometimes it even feels that I miss the thoughts when I try and actually work on my assignments. Weird, right?! 

Geez, here is another rubbish post. I'm sorry. I'm bad with expressing emotions in words. But thank you for reading anyway! 

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3 hours ago, Cora said:

But I guess the only answer is that it's not OCD

Just because you don't understand how its OCD doesn't mean the only answer is "its not OCD".
I understand that what you are describing is very scary and painful for you.  Its also completely in line with how people can and do experience OCD.  Nothing you have described makes me believe anything else.  Not even a little.

 

 

3 hours ago, Cora said:

I keep saying this, but I just can't see it as OCD, I don't think I ever will

You don't have to be certain its OCD to treat it as OCD.  
Assume for the sake of argument your problem IS OCD.
OCD creates doubt, including causing a person to doubt their problem is OCD.
If you wait until you are sure its OCD to treat the OCD, but the OCD prevents you from being sure, then you will never treat the OCD, and you will never recover.  Its a self fulfilling prophecy.
You have to take a chance, you have to make a leap of faith, and treat this as OCD based on outside advice and what is the most LIKELY cause.  Again, you do NOT have to be sure its OCD to treat it as OCD.  

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Cora, think about it this way - your doctors tell you it's OCD, other people with OCD can relate to you and tell you that what you're experiencing is very common with OCD. On the other hand, OCD distorts your thinking and your emotions. So what are you going to trust - all of the people with knowledge and experience or the doubt in your head? Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and trust what others are telling you.

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Thank you so much for your replies!

I was doing better until I watched a video this morning about how Stephen Collins had inappropriate contacts with 3 underage girls a few decades ago (I did not look for the video on purpose, it was in my feed and somehow I decided to watch it).The interviewer asked him if he had any urges or temptations, or something similar. That's when I started freaking out. Because I used to have urges (and they felt quite strong) and feelings that felt like temptations (however I really hope it was just anxiety playing with me, but I still doubt it). And now the only thing I can think about is how can someone with OCD have urges and even temptations. I just don't know how. I'm trying to tell myself it's all OCD. But it's not working. I'm so scared that I have both OCD and paedophilia. I know people have said that it's not possible, but it really seems that I am a special case.
Also, I've seen a post earlier where a person (with harm OCD) was scared that he used the word temptation during a session with his therapist when he actually didn't mean it. So this means that having temptations shows how bad the whole situation is and how what I have is in fact paedophilia. Maybe what I'm saying doesn't make too much sense for other people but for me it makes perfect sense. 
And another thing is that when I think back to the urges I had (I hate so, so much using this word so often because it makes me feel like a sick monster but I can't help ir!) I can feel a rush of emotions and feelings in my body. And I don't know what it means!
Everything I've experiencing for the past 3 months is so weird. Things that make no sense happen. Things that I don't like happen. Too much is happening. And the GUILT... it's always there, always! Shouldn't that mean something as well?

I'm really grateful for your support and advice, and I'm sorry for keep coming back and posting here, especially posts like this one, that barely make any sense; but by posting here I feel safer, even though it's only for a short period. 

Thank you a lot for reading this. 

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16 hours ago, Cora said:

but by posting here I feel safer, even though it's only for a short period. 

In which case, maybe you should be careful how often you post, because posting here (especially when you are asking for reassurance) can be a compulsion too :)
That doesn't mean don't post here.  Just be careful how often.  Like washing your hands.  Its good to wash them sometimes, its bad to wash them too much and for the wrong reasons.
 

16 hours ago, Cora said:

And now the only thing I can think about is how can someone with OCD have urges and even temptations.

First, because every human being who has ever lived has urges and temptations.  Its human nature.  You see an attractive person you might feel the urge or the temptation to do something with them.  You see something that you really want, you might have the urge or temptation to take it.  What separates a good person vs. a not so good person is NOT that good people never have urges or temptations, its that they choose not to follow through on them.  Our choices decide who we are, not simply the thoughts or ideas we might have.

Second, people with OCD often misinterpret and exaggerate thinking ABOUT something for the urge/temptation to DO something.  Awhile back I had a fear of harming myself.  One of the things that caused me particular fear was high places.  I was afraid I might suddenly lose control and jump off from say a bridge or a high area or something.  It seemed, at the time at least, that I needed to fight the URGE to do this.  But what I was really fighting was just the idea of it, the thought of it.  In retrospect, once I had made progress thanks to CBT I realized I never had an urge to do these things.  I was mistaken, because OCD was misleading me, confusing me, lying to me.  I had to trust what my doctor, my therapist, and even the rational part of my brain was telling me.  I still felt doubt, I still felt worry, but I also worked at responding differently, to engaging in ERP, to forcing myself to go places and do things that might trigger my fears.  As a result I am no longer bothered by these intrusive thoughts.  It took time and patience, but it worked.
 

16 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm so scared that I have both OCD and paedophilia. I know people have said that it's not possible, but it really seems that I am a special case.

If everyone who thought they were the special case turned out to be the special case, then this forum would be 99% special cases.  Just about every sufferer struggles, think that somehow THEY are different, that THEY are not like other people.  Trust me when I tell you, I've heard your story before, more times than I can count now.  Parts of it I experienced myself.  The only thing that really differs is that you are experiencing your OCD first hand, everyone else is just a story to you.  It feels different not because it really is, but because you don't experience their situations, only read about them/hear about them.

Theres a saying in the medical field, to remind med students that the most common explanation is usually the right one: If you hear hoofbeats behind you, don't assume its a zebra.
 

16 hours ago, Cora said:

And another thing is that when I think back to the urges I had (I hate so, so much using this word so often because it makes me feel like a sick monster but I can't help ir!) I can feel a rush of emotions and feelings in my body. And I don't know what it means!

It means you are human.  If you didn't have feelings you'd be a robot.  Having feelings is normal, and the feelings we have don't always mean what we might think they do.  Yuo can have an unpleasant thought and not always be immediately disgusted.  For example I can think "I'm gonna go murder my best friend".  My reaction? Basically nothing.  Because I know its not meaningful, its just a random thought chosen for this discussion.  Or maybe I'll have a headache tonight, and suddenly be afraid its a brain tumor.  I'll feel fear and doubt and panic.  And then the headache will go away, and I'll realize, oh yeah, people get headaches for non-serious reasons all the time.  Just because I was scared or upset doesn't mean the reason I was was valid.  It goes both ways.  And when you are dealing with OCD you are likely to encounter all kinds of emotions, sensations, ideas, etc. connected to your anxiety and worse misinterpret them, because you aren't reacting normally, the whole problem is that OCD is distorting your thinking.  Of course you are going to be confused about how you feel.  If you weren't you wouldn't have OCD to begin with.
 

16 hours ago, Cora said:

Everything I've experiencing for the past 3 months is so weird. Things that make no sense happen. Things that I don't like happen. Too much is happening. And the GUILT... it's always there, always! Shouldn't that mean something as well?

Yes, OCD cause a lot of discomfort and distress in our lives.  Thats the problem, its why its a disorder.  Its why people need treatment for it.  The fact that you continue to suffer like this, you continue to feel guilt makes perfect sense if you are struggling with OCD.  
Meanwhile, feeling guilt doesn't mean you are actually guilty.  Just like feeling fear doesn't mean you are actually in danger.  Or feeling relaxed means you are actually safe.
I could tell you that something you said really offended me, that could then cause you to be guilty.  But what if you didn't actually offend me, what if I'm a jerk and I'm lying to you.  You felt guilt, but you hadn't actually done anything wrong.
You might be walking through the woods one day and suddenly here a noise in the bushes.  You might think its a bear and become very scared.  It could then turn out to be just a rabbit.  You were never in danger.  You felt fear, but you weren't actually in trouble.
Or you could be sitting at home one night, sipping on tea and relaxing.  Unbenowst to you, I poisoned your tea.  In one hour you will feel sleepy and then I will rob your house and maybe even murder you.  You are in grave danger, but you feel fine.  How you feel does not always mean that what you think is happening is real.  Feelings are just one piece of data in a much larger set. 
And for a person with OCD, you have to take that data from feelings with reservations, because you KNOW that there is a malfunction going on, that you might be getting the wrong messages, that what you think is going on isn't.  Its frustrating true, but its also something you can use if you decide to.  You can adjust your expectations and responses based on the fact that you KNOW there are false alarms being triggered.  You do not have to play OCD's game, and you shouldn't.

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@dksea, your way of explaining things and the examples you give for a better understanding of this disease are amazing. 

However, my situation at the moment is even more weird. So whenever I make scenarios in my head to see how I feel (I know it's a compulsion and that keeps my makes the whole situation much harder) about me hurting my brother, it almost feels like an urge. It almost feels like I need to act on the thought so get rid of it. It's a strong and powerful feeling in my body.  How the heck can this be OCD?! I know I've been asking the same question over and over again, but it's so hard to believe that what I have is OCD when I experience things like this. And on top of this I don't think I've seen anyone experiencing the same things like me. So I wonder maybe that is because I'm a big, big freak. 

I feel like a complete idiot. My brother says I'm the best sister in the world. He loves me. And I feel like a traitor. I kissed him once with bad intentions, I keep having thoughts about abusing him, I keep having urges (and they are the ones I hate the most) and I also behave weird around him. How is this OCD? And how am I different than a paedophile (or a non-exclusive) one? 

I understand if you don't want to keep replying because I am a disgusting person and don't deserve much help. But thank you for reading this. Hope your Sunday goes well. 

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14 minutes ago, Cora said:

However, my situation at the moment is even more weird. So whenever I make scenarios in my head to see how I feel (I know it's a compulsion and that keeps my makes the whole situation much harder) about me hurting my brother, it almost feels like an urge. It almost feels like I need to act on the thought so get rid of it. It's a strong and powerful feeling in my body. 

This is EXACTLY how I feel with my self harm thoughts. It's really bizarre because I don't want to do it, but when the thought takes hold it is like a strong urge that takes over my body and it makes complete sense in that moment. When it passes, I feel completely shaken and never want to feel it again, but then I do. I also understand the idea of acting on it to get rid of it, that makes complete sense when your mind is in OCD mode. Except you that that it isn't true, it's just another intrusion. 

 

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Thank you for your reply @malina. And I'm sorry that you're suffering. You sound like such a wonderful person and it's a shame that you have to go through this. I really hope things are easier now.

I don't want to be rude but the difference is that I have thoughts and urges about someone else, and not myself. Again, I'm not trying to say that hurting yourself is okay but in my case I would rather have thoughts about hurting myself than about people around me, especially my family. I don't really care about myself so maybe that's why. 
I'm sorry if I offended you but at this point I would give anything to have thoughts about hurting myself than about my bother. 

Edited by Cora

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Sorry for my language, but I feel like a proper **** at the moment! I mean... I am. At the end of the day I am a disgusting and terrible person. 
I wish I could go back in time and change lots of things. Or that my parents had someone else instead of me. I'm such a disappointment! I wish my sister who died 6 hours after she was born was alive instead of me. I wish I died in her place. 

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

Thank you for your reply @malina. And I'm sorry that you're suffering. You sound like such a wonderful person and it's a shame that you have to go through this. I really hope things are easier now.

I don't want to be rude but the difference is that I have thoughts and urges about someone else, and not myself. Again, I'm not trying to say that hurting yourself is okay but in my case I would rather have thoughts about hurting myself than about people around me, especially my family. I don't really care about myself so maybe that's why. 
I'm sorry if I offended you but at this point I would give anything to have thoughts about hurting myself than about my bother. 

It's okay Cora, I'm not offended and I understand what you mean. I often wish that I had other OCD symptoms because these are so difficult, I think everyone's experience is different and to each of us, our own seems to be the worst. 

I have to say that I have had thoughts about hurting other people too and they felt the same way as the thoughts about self harm. I remember once when I was about 10 years old, I had to wait for my parents in my neighbour's house, she was an old lady and was being so nice to me. As I was sitting in her kitchen, I kept having these horrible urges to stab her. I look back on this and laugh now because the idea of 10 year old me trying to hurt a lovely elderly lady is just absurd, but in that moment I felt that it was real and I was terrified. 

I had a similar urge to molest my little cousin. Of course I did no such thing but the thoughts were extremely depressing. All this was before I got diagnosed with OCD, so I didn't know what the cause was and I thought that I was just crazy. 

I didn't even seek help until the self harm thoughts got really bad, I was 20 then and I think that at the point I started to think that these thoughts were not normal, that something was very wrong and everything spiralled out of control. I couldn't sleep anymore or eat, everywhere I went, I felt unsafe. 

The reason that I'm telling you all this is firstly so you know that people do understand the pain you're in. It's easy for all of us to give advice and sound rational, but each of us has been in a very dark, frightening and sad place where you are now. Also, just because somebody has different types of thoughts to yours, doesn't make them any less painful for that person. Again, I am not offended at all by what you said, but you have to understand that your experience isn't unique, you are not alone in feeling the fear and pain that you feel. And, finally, things can get better. When I was 20 and experienced all of this, I felt like I had to climb a mountain just to get back to living my daily life. I had no idea how I was going to get better. And yet, it did get better! Sure, I am struggling now and recently had a relapse in my symptoms, but even at the height of this relapse, it only felt about a fraction as bad as it did when it first started. 

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Sorry for my language, but I feel like a proper **** at the moment! I mean... I am. At the end of the day I am a disgusting and terrible person. 
I wish I could go back in time and change lots of things. Or that my parents had someone else instead of me. I'm such a disappointment! I wish my sister who died 6 hours after she was born was alive instead of me. I wish I died in her place. 

You have to stop this. You sound like a wonderful person too. I am also sorry that you are in so much pain. Hang in there, tell your therapist what you're feeling, and do the work you have to do. You will get better, these thoughts will stop, I promise you. Just keep moving forward, take it day by day and keep working at it. When I was at my worst, I used to imagine myself 10 years in the future, doing well and having a good life. For the most part it has turned out like that, with a few blips along the way. If I could survive, you can too!

Edited by malina

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