Partner with Retroactive Jealousy OCD insists we avoid all triggers

[Guest confusedpartner]

Hi - is anyone here familiar with retroactive jealousy OCD? It is where my partner obsesses about my sexual/romantic past. 

My partner has this and it has gotten increasingly bad. I don't recognise him when he is triggered. He lashes out at me and tells me I don't help him in the ways he wants, but I am also finding it extremely hard to help him how he wants. I think most of all he wants me to shame myself and tell him how unhappy I am with my past, as this is what calms him down. I am refusing to do that as it would be reassurance (and it's not fair for me to have to shame myself every time he gets upset) and so nothing is getting better.

It's really hard to help someone who, triggered so strongly by my sexual and romantic past, sort of hates me in the moment. I can't reason with him and he also won't accept things like kind gestures of support, hugs, or other loving things. It seems like the only thing that he wants is either for me to shame myself, or for me to freak out and have a panic attack or get angry so that the attention gets put on me and he can tell me more calmly how that doesn't help. 

I'm struggling in particular with something he insists we try. Based on a course given by Zachary Stockhill (an RJ expert), he tells me that is supposed to avoid all of his triggers. Unfortunately, his triggers are very broad (and often not known until they come up), so it's pretty hard to remove them all. Plus, I'm very uncomfortable with going along with this plan as it seems to go completely against what is said in OCD books about avoiding things. I bought some clothes that came from a place that he is triggered by and he got mad at me and told me I don't care about helping him. I don't know how to navigate this. He is doing OCD therapy and I hope that he has a discussion about this with his therapist so that I have a clearer understanding of what I should be doing to help. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I have reached out to Zachary to see if he would explain this advice and how it fits in with recovery.

 

Thanks for listening, 

confusedpartner

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

I'm going to be blunt and say this: OCD, or any other mental health condition, is not a free pass to behave like a bully. You could argue this is abusive behaviour - e.g. telling you where to buy clothes, using emotional blackmail against you ("you don't care about me"), and being what sounds like extremely aggressive. it's completely unacceptable. 

If it was me, I would be very clear that this behaviour has to stop. You have done nothing wrong. OCD is an awful condition and nobody here would claim otherwise - but it isn't an excuse for this sort of hurtful behaviour. What you have done sexually in your past is none of his business and certainly not something he has a right to shame you for. 

If my partner behaved like this towards me (regardless of why), I would leave.

Forgive me if this seems overly blunt and others may disagree - but this is my feeling about this. 

You are right that avoiding triggers is the absolute opposite of what he should do and will only make it worse. 

This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation and I feel for you. 

 

Edited May 18, 2021 by gingerbreadgirl

[Ashley]

Hello confusedpartner,

I am not sure why, but your forum account shows deleted. I am not sure why or how this happened, although we did have a database drop out briefly this morning around the time of your post, so I am not sure if that affected your account.  But please feel free to register again should you need to.

With best wishes, Ashley.

[YarnBall]

Thanks so much. I think I wrote this out without being signed in and then didn't know how to associate the post with my account, so that might be what you are seeing

[Ozike]

I have the same type of OCD and the story you tell is unfortunately similar. I was not diagnosed for 20 years as having OCD but did ERP and now things are better.  Be careful with the Zachary book as he is not an expert at all and in fact his advice is inconsistent with the truth of OCD and how to get the gold standard treatment - ERP.  It is not possible to stop the thoughts but you learn to let them just be as clouds passing over s as be not engage with them.