Am I a jerk if I now backtrack?

[Ryukil]

So I've been trying to get away from computer games. I have just spent a lot of time on them and want to focus on other things. But my friendship with my friend has been pretty based around video games for many years. What I've done since maybe September is try to keep it to the weekends. He wanted me to get a new game, but I kind of held my ground. My goal is to move away from them, so buying a new game that will take up a lot of time is antithetical towards that.

I suppose I can get the game and just limit the time I play with him. I am still playing games we already have, just limiting it.

For some reason this morning I said maybe I'll just get it. Don't know why. Probably because I was thinking, well, I can just limit it. Also I felt a bit guilty for not playing with him yesterday. 

The conversation:

Me: I might get [the game] lol

 

Him: Heh

 

Me:

I just want to try to generally keep to weekends as far as gaming sessions

But yeah guess I'll wait a couple weeks anyway for Christmas sale, can save 15 dollars or whatever lel

 

Him:

Yeah that's what I'm doing too.

I honestly played so much the past two days that even I got sick of games lel... but just for the day

And I would love if you get [the game] but no pressure. I'll still be your friend regardless of whether/ how long we game

 

I told myself I would regret it if I said it. Don't know why I said that. Now I will feel guilty to not get it. At the same time, it would be an exposure. I guess my question is...how do I know if something's OCD guilt or actual guilt. I don't want to be a jerk, feel guilty, and then excuse it by saying I'm exposing myself to OCD guilt lol

I kind of indicated I'd get it, right? Can't backtrack now.

[Ryukil]

anyone?

[Ryukil]

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance. Honestly I have OCD in both directions lol. 

[Heartly]

Sorry I’m not really sure about the question but your ocd is definitely making you over analysis it 

[Ryukil]

Feel like I committed to get the game but now I don't necessarily want to. But I guess I didn't. I said I "might" get it haha.

[Zelda]

Not going to reassure you but some questions:

Outside of what your guilt tells you right now, are you engaging clearly with other parts of what your friend is saying? There seems to be here some other information that is being clearly communicated by your friend that would counter what your guilt is telling you to do (I.E buy the game).

Secondly, if someone else you cared about said they were trying to change a behaviour they found unhelpful, would you support them, even if it provided a small inconvenience to you? 

[Ryukil]

I get your point. Yeah we've already had lots of conversations about this over the past few months. 

I just think my OCD is in both directions. I do think getting the game would not be a big deal, I could just play it with him in moderation. I'm more concerned if I get it he'll constantly ask me to play. Which, I guess he wouldn't. But he used to ask all the time and that stressed me out. 

I feel like if I get a new game there will be lots of "pressure" to play. I say this because in the past, he would ask to play every day, and I would (even though I didn't always really want to) because I was too nice. We've spent thousands of hours on the games. I've been keeping him at arm's length now in regards to this and I just don't want to slide back. But yeah. So having the game would also be an exposure and an exercise in saying no sometimes (and not avoiding that OCD guilt that comes with saying "I don't want to play right now").

On the other hand, buying the game is in some sense giving into OCD guilt. Because sure, it would be fun probably, but I don't care that much about the game and I'd be doing it mostly to be a "good friend." It was kind of settled that I wasn't going to get it until I randomly brought it up yesterday morning (probably because I felt a bit guilty).

So, when both choices are an exposure...which one do you go with? Haha.

But yes, I am cognizant of the fact my OCD is making this a much bigger deal than it needs to be.

I could get the game and play with him in moderation. At the same time, I don't really want to start a new game. I feel like I have enough games and don't really want to get invested in a new one. And round and round we go with OCD. 

Edited December 5, 2023 by Ryukil

[Ryukil]

Here I just sent this e-mail to my therapist:

 

I have a weird situation. My friend wants me to get a PC game. I didn't really want to, as I want to move away from games, at least for a while. 

 

However, I still play with him in moderation (maybe once or twice a week).

 

So, I felt a bit guilty for not playing with him Sunday and said something like "Maybe I'll get the game."

 

I am still playing with him anyway. Theoretically it would be fine if we play this new game in moderation.

 

At the same time, I don't want to send the message that I'll keep getting new games as I want to sort of gradually make an exit from gaming.

 

The OCD comes in because I feel like there will be "pressure" to play this new game, which creates OCD anxiety for me. I have a fear I won't be able to concentrate. But even if there is, pressure I can simply say no on days where I genuinely don't feel like it (exposing myself to OCD guilt). So getting it would be an exposure / present opportunities for exposure. Committing to getting it makes it difficult to concentrate (creates anxiety) so I don't want to commit to getting it (which means I probably should?).

 

On the other hand, not getting it would make me feel guilty / like a bad friend since I sort of said I'd get it (I did say maybe but after saying nah a few times that kind of gives hope).

 

So, point is whichever decision I take will be an exposure. Which do I do? I do want to move away from computer games but it's hard to view all this objectively because it's tied up in OCD.

 

Sorry, longer than I wanted and now I'm realizing...yeah it's really not a big deal either way.

 

 

[Ryukil]

Yeah I mean. It's true I want to move away from games. But I guess if I got it it wouldn't be a huge deal...I'd just want to keep the time spent moderated.

[Zelda]

All sounds like an attempt to rationalise a choice motivated by OCD, to be honest. You’ve mentioned what you want to do which is not buy the game. You recognise buying it is about guilt. You justify buying it anyway by saying you can play in moderation. And you justify this bargaining by saying it would create weekly opportunities for exposure… so apparently now giving in to your compulsion is actually good for you. 

To  me seems much like saying ‘I’ll check the oven several times but not as many times as I feel I need to because this will make me feel uncomfortable about checking the oven, so actually this is the right thing to do”. Not checking at all would be a far quicker route to dealing with the compulsion. 

[Ryukil]

Yeah, I should probably do what aligns with my actual desire, which is to not buy the game.

[Ryukil]

I guess I feel like if I said "maybe" after saying "no" several times that kind of implies I'm going to get it.

[snowbear]

Nothing wrong with saying to your friends,

'You know what, I thought about getting it, but I've changed my mind. I need to spend less time playing games and focus on other stuff for a while. Let's just stick to playing the games we already have when we play together.'

You're not committed to buying it right up to the moment it goes on your credit card. Any number of valid reasons might occur between now and then, but 'I changed my mind, thanks but no thanks' is the most valid of them all.   Don't overcomplicate your friendships.

[Ryukil]

Thanks

Yeah so either way it would be an exposure lol

[Ryukil]

But if I'm playing with him anyway, doesn't it make sense to just get a new game? 

But I do want to move away from games, so in that case it doesn't make sense.

Lol.

I need to stop doing this. Like I said, can't think about it objectively because it's wrapped up in OCD.

I think, yes, if we can keep it in moderation it's not a big deal. 

Edited December 7, 2023 by Ryukil