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Zelda

Bulletin Board User
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Everything posted by Zelda

  1. I find it helpful to think through what I might get back as well. In deciding to take the leap I gain the potential for time, for enjoyment, for space to let my mind wander. As @malina has said, it’s never straightforward. But you mention your frustration now - consider also the potential joy in days not spent doing the same old compulsions or telling yourself how terrible you are. Yes you will feel uncertain, but pretty soon you start to get the feedback and benefits that make pushing against that uncertainty worthwhile!
  2. I agree that it may not be helpful for engaging with each intrusive thought, however when I had a low sense of acceptance that my thinking was OCD related this was a helpful exercise. In this sense, it was a way into exposure and other tools as it helped me to question the underlying premise of my behaviours at the time - that I was a dangerous person, that I would ruin everything if i didn’t respond to the thoughts. Theory b here being I am a careful person etc… much more evidence for this. Broadly speaking I come back to this message all the time when struggling. However, I agree it can be unhelpful for dealing with the thoughts themselves - for example when it comes to calculating the risk of a fire or spreading illness I am rubbish, and A/B only starts me ruminating more!
  3. I agree that it may not be helpful for engaging with each intrusive thought, however when I had a low sense of acceptance that my thinking was OCD related this was a helpful exercise. In this sense, it was a way into exposure and other tools as it helped me to question the underlying premise of my behaviours at the time - that I was a dangerous person, that I would ruin everything if i didn’t respond to the thoughts. Theory b here being I am a careful person etc… much more evidence for this. Broadly speaking I come back to this message all the time when struggling. However, I agree it can be unhelpful for dealing with the thoughts themselves - for example when it comes to calculating the risk of a fire or spreading illness I am rubbish, and A/B only starts me ruminating more!
  4. Hi there, I don’t have any thoughts on diagnosis, difference between the two but can I suggest the book Break Free from OCD: Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with CBT? I used this while awaiting access to therapy and it was helpful to see that I was not alone as well as explain some of the strategies for addressing the anxieties and behaviour (like checking). Even without a diagnosis, you can treat some of the experiences you are having or start to address the behaviours. my therapist also focused on this rather than defining whether it was/wasn’t OCD
  5. Thanks @howard, @Busy Fool and @deValentin. I appreciate all of this. I am trying to address my health more generally which might help me too - immunity etc. I generally apply this approach to checking (what would others consider reasonable in particular). In this case I have just struggled to know if I try it all once as a variety of fears have come on at once - ie should I focus on eating more because this has an immediate impact on health if OCD is left unchecked, or hands because this can easily get out of control. Or struggle through dealing with all at once even if I get ill. So do I do the cbt ladder type thing or just start addressing all. but I suspect from your replies I might be better off addressing the obsession not the compulsions, so all at once. Thank you!
  6. This is so kind @Handy. I’ll search the forum for more of your constructive posts…
  7. Hello, I don’t typically struggle with contamination themes and in the past have probably been more relaxed than most! I struggled a during covid (but more from a harm to others perspective). New context is I have been getting ill really often these last few years. And here’s where ocd finds its way in. I find myself checking food or avoiding eating. Feeling like my hands are unclean when I have been in public, but also planning my days around potential illness or checking for signs of illness (usually making me feel unwell). I can see where this is going and just hoping for some tips. What should I focus on here in terms of addressing this early: food, hands, plans. What is reasonable in the context of ongoing illness?
  8. So great to hear it went well @Heartly. It’s an achievement to push yourself and even better to be rewarded with good things
  9. Try to remember this is a great move overall for combatting your OCD. If you struggle at times remember that the overall focus is your enjoyment or participation in a social event that means something to you. Try and bring your focus back to where you are and why if you have a bad moment. Wishing you so well and agree with Handy that the anticipation is often worse than doing it!
  10. yesterday I lost over an hour having broken my rule around checking twice. As soon as I gave into the doubt I was trapped. Missed the event I was planning to attend which was really important to me. It’s so frustrating. Particularly when, as you say, you have been better at it before and feel the stakes are high. When I finally decided to leave the house (important to remember it is a decision we are in control of) even with overwhelming anxiety, i just kept walking. What always amazes me is the anxiety eases within less than ten minutes. It spikes here and there for about thirty minutes, but I just have to wait it out and slowly but surely other thoughts distract me and eventually I’m on my way. So today I have resolved: make the decision (again and everyday) to check only twice. know that it will get intense, and then pass.
  11. I also have a tendency to search my past for wrongs (always more black and white, without compassion for myself than others). Like you, I lived whole years, feeling undeserving, neglecting my responsibilities, health because I ‘deserved it’. For me, eventually and with therapy it came down to a choice of paths (not to suggest it wasn’t a long road to get there). Path 1: I continue to punish myself for an event I can’t quite remember, put my life on hold until I can gain certainty I will never achieve. Path 2: decide to follow the steps outlined by others who currently have a better capacity to assess the situation, trust that they are not doing this for any other reason than it might work, continue to follow them even on days when it feels impossible or like moving backwards. only through the second did I get the perspective I needed and was seeking. The ‘event’ is now one I can think of without anxiety. It rarely comes into my mind at all.
  12. All sounds like an attempt to rationalise a choice motivated by OCD, to be honest. You’ve mentioned what you want to do which is not buy the game. You recognise buying it is about guilt. You justify buying it anyway by saying you can play in moderation. And you justify this bargaining by saying it would create weekly opportunities for exposure… so apparently now giving in to your compulsion is actually good for you. To me seems much like saying ‘I’ll check the oven several times but not as many times as I feel I need to because this will make me feel uncomfortable about checking the oven, so actually this is the right thing to do”. Not checking at all would be a far quicker route to dealing with the compulsion.
  13. Not going to reassure you but some questions: Outside of what your guilt tells you right now, are you engaging clearly with other parts of what your friend is saying? There seems to be here some other information that is being clearly communicated by your friend that would counter what your guilt is telling you to do (I.E buy the game). Secondly, if someone else you cared about said they were trying to change a behaviour they found unhelpful, would you support them, even if it provided a small inconvenience to you?
  14. Thank you @DRS1. You’re right and your comments have touched on some underlying assumptions I had there around deservingness. I appreciate they offered you a shorter set of sessions as this is what I feel I would need. thanks so much for both the info and the reflections!
  15. I had about 14 weeks of NHS cbt treatment a few years ago (phone) and did improve. I also felt I was discharged because the guidelines required it, not because I was ready. I remember feeling I was being coached through the final anxiety test - ‘I think we could call that a 1, not a 3’. But, I also understood the limits of long term CBT and that I was being trained in techniques, and have generally done my best to apply them. Anyway, I’ve done well since then despite some flare ups but the last few months have been a challenge. I have developed quite obvious tic compulsions alongside my old ones. I was told when I was discharged that I could come back if necessary, but I was on a waiting list for over a year the first time. I know so many people are waiting and I feel bad going back again. But I can also see I’m not managing on my own as well anymore and maybe a few sessions would be helpful. Does anyone know about the likelihood I would be offered another round of treatment?
  16. Well done! It is a win and as you say worth marking as one!! I also have these phrases from childhood. I know what you mean that they can feel almost accidental. Yet, I realise I have given them some magical meaning when I tell myself NOT to say them. Then it feels very hard!
  17. I agree with @Jen124m, rather than avoid the question, or ruminate on how ‘badly’ you did (of course, your view of the result is very much shaped by how you feel about yourself at the moment) go and speak to your university career service. Most are available to you after you graduate. Before you go, think about not how ‘badly’ you did but what kind of postgraduate studies you would like to do, or what kind of career appeals to you (without deciding already your chances of it are ruined). Go with some ideas of direction- careers advisors can discuss the (many different) routes there are to get there. But, if you want to do postgraduate studies, then you will need to seek some support to work on more compassionate ways of thinking about yourself. Real learning is about testing, taking risks, often failing and applying what you have learnt again!
  18. Hi @Summer9173, it is hard when we think about others and the impact on them. Especially because we tend to have a larger sense of responsibility for that. It seems at the moment this is a way for you to feel bad about where you are at or have been because of OCD (should, would). Could another version of this be ‘I want in the future to have more freedom to do what matters to me, including taking a holiday. I will use this to motivate my recovery, but with self compassion and understanding if it takes me a little time to get there?’
  19. Fantastic and helpful thread. Thank you so much for a motivating read. I will read this again tomorrow!
  20. My friend and I try to laugh at some of mine (takes the power away and often distracts me). One of my compulsions involved repeating words back to the person who is speaking to me- so my friend does the same as I am, until we can laugh at the loop I got us in.
  21. @malina fully empathise with everything you have said. I think a particular challenge when we have developed adult personalities in which that coping is embedded. Who am I without this? What if outside of all these safety measures I am, at heart, terrible? I have always struggled to let go of this underlying sense that I will, eventually do something so inescapably wrong/my life will fall apart. managing the excesses of ocd has felt easier than challenging the lifelong assumptions that guide them. But I think you’re right this is a choice of paths. One which we never test our ability to truly let go, (muddle on and probably do ok without ever living life fully). The other, in which we allow ourselves some more hope (for the future, for what might be possible). I don’t have answers yet myself, but I know the feeling very well.
  22. Hi summer, your previous job sounds like a really unhelpful environment and of course this has contributed to how you feel. There is very little recognition of how much this impacts people’s wellbeing and the normalisation of such behaviours is a real problem in many industries. I’m sorry you had to manage this. When I have changed jobs, I often begin feeling like this. I go very quickly from joy about the position, to moving between feeling not good enough, hating the job, finding it boring, worrying I have made the wrong choice, feeling I’m unqualified, disliking my colleagues, thinking I’m letting them down, fantasising about running away. After many years of promising to/quitting different places very quickly I have realised that I just take a bit more settling time than others. Of course you should never feel pressure to stay in a situation that is unhealthy to you. But alongside looking into some of the particular experiences around ADHD and seeking some support in the workplace, is it worth giving yourself a couple of weeks just to see if some of this settles once you’re in a routine and feeling more familiar with it? I have often found that making one friend, finding a nice place to take my breaks, having a fun weekend planned outside of the job etc can all help me to take the pressure off early and give me space to see if it’s really the job or just that adjusting to change is sometimes harder for some people than others!
  23. When I am doing better with my mental health, I find nights the hardest. Often I get through a day ok, but then ruminate once I have time to relax (one of my biggest frustrations is that OCD often refuses to let my mind wander/day dream when I used to have a vivid imagination). when I am in a rough patch, mornings are often very hard. Usually because I will wake up anxious throughout the night or because a particular obsession will appear as I wake up. I’m either case I try to schedule some exercise early (7am- 8am) to structure the first part of the day. If I’m struggling at night, it gives me something to look forward to, if having a bad morning, it forces me to leave the house. I know this is not available to everyone, but any kind of structured activity at this time might be helpful (a phone call, a game you play, journaling etc).
  24. @ecomum wishing you so well for this! Getting this under control for myself gave me back so much freedom (to see a movie, to work, to go out). As encouragement, also consider all the things you might be able to do once you start benefiting from the exposures!
  25. Hi @Lisa123, that’s great to hear you have been having some better days. These are so important! Yes, in my experience there is some immediate intensity of OCD thoughts when you reduce compulsions, or an attempted movement to new obsessions. Sometimes it feels like it is jumping around, trying everything to trip me up and see what sticks. It helps me (and I know lots of others talk about this) to think of OCD as bully behind a gate. When I am facing it, giving it my attention, doing what it says, it doesn’t have to do much to keep me afraid. But the bully has to fight hard for my attention or get scarier when I make the decision to walk away from it. This visualisation helps me because: if I am moving away, keeping my back turned on OCD, eventually it gets quieter for me, no matter how loud it is screaming. keep working at it and you will have a good run of days and realise it’s possible!
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