Is this rumination and....

[Chris1987]

Hello

Back again.

So I had a thought 4 years ago that I had seen/did something really bad. At the time there was no memory/detail/mental image of this thing that I've done bad just a thought off an action. So basically I seen a horrible word that frightened me and ever since then I believe there's more too it as its convinced me that I've actually done this horrible thing. 

When trying to rationalise things, was the horrible word I saw a trigger and if so can it make it more than what it actually was and can it make you spiral down the rabbit hole to belive in the consequences if it were true. I just cant get my head around having all the thoughts and feelings of a real guilty person making me feel I have done this horrible thing but have no evidence, no memory, no mental image NOTHING. SURELY IF YOU HAD DONE SONETHING WRONG YOU WOULD REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS! Sorry for the capitals but that's a questions I've asked myself a million times. I have a pretty good memory and remember bad things that's happened in my life but no details about this just a feeling/thought.

Its made me question if I have a double personality, if I was drunk at the time (I wasn't) if I was in sime sort of state of trance,  and just can't remember or is it my mind telling me you di remeber it butnyou just havent realised yet....all stupid stuff. 

Next is this this a compulsion. I read alot about real event ocd and I believe this could be what I experienced. What I find myself in doing is I worry about what happened and how I was feeling, research ocd, research real event ocd, read something that relates to what I experienced and then the feeling of worry subsides. However, when I start thinking about it again I go back to the same articles about ocd and read them even though I know what they already said and again I feel better. Is this a compulsion? I've been doing this over the course of 4 years and book marked pages i found inrelated to and ehen i feel im thinking about it o go to them to read.

Over the past 4 years my googling of OCD has been ridiculous, when I read anything I can relate to im a little better Ithen shut it down as I don't want to see anything else that I tend to relate too.

This is where I struggle...

If this is definitely OCD what are the chances I actually did this horrible thing that its made me feel that I've done. A horribel question to ask but I feel im the only one to ask this question. Now I know that nobody can tell me if I did or didn't but I just wish, wish, wish I could believe in myself and dismiss it all.as OCD and my mind making something out of nothing but why do I get the thoughts and feelings that don't go away making me feel like a guilty man that I have.

Also its been 4 years for me being like this. The past two I was doing okay but it was always there in my mind every day and my attitude was like so be it at times as there was no way i was going to get certainty that i hadnt done this thing but the other night a panic attack came out of nowhere and I've been in a state of server anxious for 2 weeks which had now ultimately brought all this back up. I'd like to know if anyone else has experienced long lasting anxiety after a panic attack and does ocd latch onto that and make it worse.

Sorry for the spelling and grammar as I need to write fast whilst it's in my head.

Edited January 9 by Chris1987
Spelling

[PolarBear]

Chris, basically everything you've done about this these past 4 years were compulsions. And you're back here asking for reassurance. You've started many threads lately, all asking for reassurance and assistance in figuring this thing out.

Do you realize that all these compulsions, done over 4 years, have done absolutely no good? You're no further ahead. Learn from that. It means doing more compulsions is not going to help. 

[Handy]

Would a jury convict on your evidence 

[Chris1987]

5 hours ago, Handy said:

Would a jury convict on your evidence

There is no evidence to say I have done this thing but why do I have all the emotions and feelings that I have and why am I just waiting for the consequences. 

[Heartly]

4 hours ago, Chris1987 said:

There is no evidence to say I have done this thing but why do I have all the emotions and feelings that I have and why am I just waiting for the consequences. 

OCD 

[deValentin]

If I understand correctly, you’re under pressure to move past this worry about determining with absolute certainty whether you did something or not because you can’t enjoy life with that worry weighting constantly on your mind. However, you don’t feel willing, ready and able to move past it. Maybe the solution is to test what would happen if you don’t wait too long to put that worry on hold for a while. It’s what therapists suggest their clients who are compulsive worriers to do: reserve an hour a day in their free time to worry at their leisure. It’s not easy but it works because bringing their worries to a successful conclusion is not a matter of life and death anymore. Clients can have a life even if their worries lead nowhere.