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Hello. It’s lovely of him to say so but he won’t remember the half of it. My life was one big compulsion. It terrifies me to think of all the things that could have gone wrong. I really can’t stop dwelling on it. I know I carried out compulsions because I had undiagnosed unmediated ocd in an era it was very little spoken about, I can accept that and as I said my son forgives me for that but I can’t seem to take the guilt. Half the time I’d carried out a compulsion before I even knew I had. Eg carrying a hot drink (intrusive thought) I might throw the hot drink at baby/child then have to redo the walk with the hot drink to check how close I was etc. it’s absolutely ludicrous when I think about it. I felt so compelled to do it to check I hadn’t done/thought anything wrong but by doing so created even more of a hazard then there ever was. Same if I was holding a hot drink with baby on my knee. I absolutely shudder at the thought of what could have gone wrong. It’s literally haunting me. I was in such a dreadful place with no help and I didn’t know what else to do. I feel like I’m going to hell and should report myself.

Weelll. The difference is that one is and one is doubting what if he is.. Anyway Xlex I can also tell the difference between somebody who has a chance to recover from Ocd and somebody who doesnt. You REALLY need to stop searching answers from Wikipedia. Thats like trying to extinguish a fire with a flamethrower. Getting better starts with accepting the uncertainty that you have. You dont have to accept what you doubt but you absolutely need to accept the doubt is there. Then just go on with your life as best as you can and most definitely dont try to convince your way out of the doubt by searching facts. You didnt get to this point by analyzing facts so you wont get out of this either that way. This way youll start to create distance to your problem and little by little see things more clearly.

Coming from your son I would say that is something positive to dwell on Staying in bed moves you into negative mental territory. Once again what can you do to get positive? How can you get busy?

Its not like that my family wouldnt understand, its just embarassing for me to talk about such a topic. Your thought could be true-maybe i had OCD all the time. Idk but this time i feel hopeless and empty. The thing that i cant wrap my head around, is the difference between a pedophile and me. Both have sexual thoughts about children and both, according to wikipedia, can feel disgusted and shocked in return. Can anyone explain the real difference? Couse ego-dystonic thoughts can occur in both scenarios.

Funny you should say this.... my counsellor has recently suggested the same to me! I've honestly never considered it before either but it could make sense!

Hello friends... It's Independance day! It isn't for me! I've got OCD! I'm surrounded by stuff I didn't know I had. Some won't have been unboxed since the last move 2 years ago! I have to tell myself to let go now! I'm so good at saying it to other people, but for myself, Well! I find myself in tears just thinking about it... We've moved house... Used a removal company... Fantastic. Expensive, but fantastic I was almost sick with worry in the morning of the main move... Would it all go in the van? Will it go into the next house? It was frantic... Just let go... I told myself frantically, still no go... The truck arrived... They loaded it all on to the van, explaining that they'd done a delivery to a house around the corner from us! Same design of house to get it all in.... If they think they can get it in, they can... And they did... They actually made it look easy! I realised that I'd been caught out. Terry gets frantic too you know! I'm sitting here now... I've just been on the telephone to my internet provider... Why is it all jargon? Why is it so complicated? My previous provider was being hacked several times a week... So I changed. The chap at the other end was really helpful, so I thanked him, making us both feel good. It really helps to say thankyou. I now have 20 days to empty my previous address... I have a charity shop collection booked for the kast of the furniture that we didn't want anymore. We then paint and clean, to finally hand the keys in before going on holiday for a break. Housemoving is so stressful isn't it? I have to verbally tell myself that I should be letting go. It sounds esy, but of course it isn't Saying it to someone else is all very well, but for myself, well... It is a small local authority development, so none of us can get our washing machines underthe worktops!!! It is actually a desighn fault. Not something I've done... For a change!!! I'm only just coping with this... Moving home is supposed to be stressful, but... I guess we are all a bit susceptible at times, and that's when OCD strikes... I've noticed that I'm actually washed my hands more than normal... Overchecking just a bit... Back to the old ways for a short time... Just as a gentle reminder I guess... I have to plod on somehow... I am the eldest survivor of my family now...What shall we talk about today? Let's backtrack a little... WE've done a heck of a lot over these last few weeks... One of of those is; What about asking for help... How do we do that? Start at the supermarket till. Buy something anything, then ask for a receipt, just the receipt, and look the operator in the eyes with a smile. Go in the library, ask for a particular book... Say 'thank you' on the way out. We are doing small steps... But we are actually asking for help. And it feels nice. Post office... Buy a book of stamps, pay for it with card say, and smile... The lady in our post office never smiles... One day I took a letter ready for posting to the post office. On the way it got damp and the writing smudged. I got to the window and asked for an envelope... 'We don't sell envelopes...' came the reply. So... No point asking for a stamp cos I'd got nothing to stick it on!!! Asking people is difficult, as is being grateful to others for things they just do for us anyway. I lways feel indebted to others if they give me anything at all. I don't know if it is down to them or me. Having said that, I visited a fab restaurant this week. I said 'Thank you' to every member of staff I smile-grabbed. They like it. It makes the job worthwhile. Some don't expect it but get it anyway. They smile, I smile, All good. I'll do it more... Another massive deal for me is when I politely turn down help without feeling I'm being ungrateful yto them. They can take offence even though they would be massively be putting themselves out by helping me. I've got enough help already... I'm gonna be overwhelmed with offers. How do I let them off? I'm coming out as the bad guy here! I appreciate the offer, but I just don't need it right now... Of course I'm grateful. More than mere words can say... I didn't grow up getting lots of help... Down to pure habit, I need to do a lot for myself... It's about feeling good about myself. I hate coming over as ungrateful, it feeds on the anxiety that drives my OCD.. I then start washing too much and overchecking. It drives me nuts! So... Back to the smile grabbing and saying thank you to as many people as possible. It is good to achieve... Never underestimate what each of us goes through on a daily basis. This OCD is hell sometimes. I've been writing this over the course of the week, whilst at the same time, emptying and packing boxes with all sorts of stuff. Some of it we haven't seen for years! I'm tired... It is important not to try and do too much... We must get enough sleep. If you have trouble sleeping, your GP can help... Something I do is have music on at night, just quiet, in the background, cheerful stuff, uplifting, not sombre and sad. Have you tried positive affirmations? There are a few videos on youtube to lift the spirit. We are good people, simply because we care... It is that sense of caring that leads us into the OCD trap... Of course, we cannot stop caring, but we need to be mor caring of ourselves... Look after no1, so that no1 can then in turn look after others... You and I are that no1. Okay... That's it for this week... A shorter babble because of being so busy with the housemove. Don't forget to say 'Thankyou' to at least one person every day! Chat again on 11th July Friday, at 19.00 hrs UK time. Terry 123

Thank you. I can honestly say it was the best 3 years of my adult life. I’m devastated to be feeling ill again. I’m currently off work and pretty much in bed. It’s opened a can of worms from when my boy was little (20 years ago) and I can’t stop thinking about my terrible parenting decisions. Ocd made me into a parent o didn’t want to be. I was so wrapped up in compulsive behaviour. I had no diagnosis or medication. I truly believe I have ptsd from that time. I feel so lucky nothing bad happened to him because of some of the things I was doing. I really wasn’t in a fit state to be parenting as I couldn’t even look after myself. I reached out to a family member who wasn’t helpful and made me feel even worse. If only I knew what ocd was. I was so scared to reach out for help for fear of what would happen. I’m so upset with myself for this. There were definitely times when I put my child at risk because of my ocd as if me so tangled in a web. I’ve spoken to him as an adult and he’s not upset about it at all and says he’s even more admiration for me after knowing what I’ve been through but it doesn’t seem to matter to me. Genuinely don’t know how to live my life trying to be happy when I have a lot of weight on my mind.

Looking

What you're doing is more like condemning them as murderers, having them sentenced to life imprisonment without a trial, and then turning up at the prison every day to whip them in person. Extreme, eh? But that's what you're doing to yourself. You even need to ask?? Of course you can just let it go. Letting it go is a normal human response too. But... (Well, you come back with a 'but' every time so I thought I'd try it too ) But, even though you've had the reassurance and the explanations and the logic and the reasoning and been told over and over that you're allowed to let it go... You then have to decide that's what you're going to do. Make a stand. Draw a line under it and from that moment on refuse to return to it. We can advise and reassure until the end of time, but (there I go again ) we can't let it go for you. At some point you have to decide to do that bit for yourself. And then stick with that decision. Refuse to return to it no matter how compelling the temptation.

It’s almost certainly OCD. Always a chance not, but very small and we have to accept that. It’s **** not having certainty - I wish things were different. But they aren’t. I’ll probably get told off for giving you some reassurance - but I’m trying to say it really almost always is OCD and you can’t always trust your brain.

I'm pretty sure I've read before that under stress thoughts feel more real, as in people with say harm ocd, they feel like when angry that the thought or urge is more real and they feel such guilt because it felt real that time etc but we know and I know with it not being my theme they do not want to do it anymore than if they are calm, it's not them, it's illness, why can't we address our own fears so simply? So easily! Like none sufferers? We become rational when it isn't our theme!

I just am unable to think rationally, I know for a fact I'd never agree to such thoughts, however even "saying I agree in frustration but not meaning it" which is the only thing ocd is now clinging to, this feels just as bad to me. I know 100% I don't agree but if I snapped in anger like when people say "I'm gonna kill you" but don't mean it, in the heat of the moment type thing, I'm acting like they are just as bad as real killers. If we think something we don't mean just as we say things we don't mean in moments of stress, are we entitled to let this go and forgive ourself if we even need to, is this a normal human response that we can't help at times? I'm honestly asking not trying to ask for reassurance although every post seems to be, I just want to know is this ocd blowing it out of proportion? I know sometimes people with ocd get thoughts and they report "feeling like they wanted to act out the urge" but they don't mean it, maybe this is similar, we do feel emotional and thoughts feel more real or we think "out of character" when stressed just as we "speak out of character" when stressed. I need some peace, what kills me is I haven't changed my opinion I just gave up the fight in a moment of stress I feel, and it's a fight I shouldn't even be going through so maybe I should just accept it's all OCDs doing. My heart hasn't changed, and it's what's in there that counts.

Well, yes. It is. And besides, at some point you have to let it go. (Or stay stuck in this OCD cycle forever.) Maybe you just need to be miserable for longer, until you feel that you've punished yourself enough. Not for a moment suggesting that's what you should do! Quite the opposite. But it's what you are doing - punishing yourself. Creating guilty feelings and returning to it again and again even though you know (at least on some level) that you can let it go.

I’m new here but I’ve had OCD a long time and have recovered before (and relapsed). When I was younger I used to worry I was gay. Kept trying to be certain I wasn’t (not that I’d have a problem if I was these days - but back then there was a lot of social stigma attached to it). I beat it when I went “so what if I am”. Not the end of the world. Sit with it. Feel the uncomfortableness. It gets easier - remarkably quickly in fact once you go for it. Once I’d calmed I didn’t doubt myself much any more. It was ‘obviously’ not true. The over focusing was the thing keeping me more uncertain. Guess I’m saying accept a little uncertainty as it’s better than the alternative - focusing on it and making yourself a hundred times more uncertain. Easier said than done mind. My OCD has moved on to new things but the same applies and I try to take the ‘medicine’ that has worked before.

@snowbear that was a really interesting look at it thank you. I don't wanna say "but"...but I have to say what I'm stuck on is during the "event" I do remember thinking "hmm yes" and ocd has taken this and made me worry that I have agreed to something wrong. Im pretty sure I was thinking "hmm yes" to a thought about why people question god at times, and my frustration came out that way I sort of thought if all my bad luck recently and kind of responded to it briefly and not planned But I can't for the life of me work out why I would suddenly after that happening panic and think I'd agreed to the first thought which was about "agreeing with ocd" they are two seperate things, one thought lead to another thought, I feel like as soon as it happened I immediately doubted myself, blamed myself for starting it (which again I didn't it all came into my head) and this doubt has lead me to question what just happened My mind then thought "I must have agreed to it in anger or something" it's somehow mixed the two things together, so of course ocd tells me "I'm remembering it all wrong, I have missed bits out, I am guilty" I no longer am able to trust any memory around it as I fear it's false even though it probably was coming clearer as I calmed down, because it makes no sense then "I must have missed something" how can I think I agreed to something I didn't?! I am blaming myself incase I reacted wrongly in a moment of frustration because I know in my heart that I'd never mean it, but is this enough to let it go? This happened in a matter of moments, seconds probably, just thoughts leading to more thoughts mixed with emotions and upset, and a definite feeling of "I give up" I just feel like I failed. I've been fighting this for so so long and I failed and ocd has finally won.

If I understand correctly, you want to be absolutely sure that if we think something in frustration, no matter the topic, it doesn't mean anything if we don't "mean" it. You can’t get 100% certainty in that regard, but you feel the need to get it to appease your mind, so you ruminate about it, and guilt, fear, and doubt eat away at you. Here’s what I do to try to solve a problem I’m facing. It may be somewhat helpful. 1. If my fear, worry, or discomfort is realistic and I have a choice about how to handle the threat or source of uneasiness, I choose the most reasonable way to do it; 2. If my fear, worry, or discomfort is realistic and there is only one way to handle the threat or source of uneasiness, even if it’s not quite reasonable, I choose it; for instance, I’ll jump out a window of a two-story building to escape a fire, even if it means taking the risk of breaking a leg; 3. Sometimes, my fear, worry, or discomfort isn’t realistic, like in the case of OCD, that is, it’s possible the threat may be real, the guilt or turmoil may be grounded, but the probability is very low or there is very little justification for it. In that case, I let my fear, worry, or discomfort die down in spite of the difficulties. This is the only sustainable way to solve the problem. I can’t reason my way out of an unrealistic fear, worry, or discomfort. It only makes things worse in the long run.

Sorry adhd typing error. It's difficult to diagnose

Hi, welcome to the forum ocd and asd do have similar traits, someone few years ago suggested I may have asd or add, but to get it diagnosed I would have to go to the gp who would refer me to a specialist which could take a few years

Glass

Really like this. Thank you.

It's interesting isn't it? How on the one hand you know absolutely and without a shadow of doubt that you would never agree to a blasphemous thought. Never. End of. Yet on the other hand you keep asking 'But what if it's true? What if I did agree?' And you're equally certain that you have to keep thinking it over until you know for certain that it's not true - the very thing you already know with absolute unshakeable certainty! So this isn't about 'needing to know'. You already know - 100% certain, you would never - in your heart or soul - never ever agree to such a thought. We can't prevent words passing through our heads. We hear the words around us, other people saying things we disagree with, all the time. We can't stop the words 'echoing' in our heads and we hear that 'echo' in the same way we hear our deliberate thoughts. When you're well you're able to recognise it for what it is - just words in your head and not reflective of you or the way you feel. So you'd shrug it off without hesitation. But a bit like something catching your eye so you stop and do a double-take, in that moment you paused and thought about the words in your head. It gave you an extra split second to analyse the 'echo' and decide that if it had been your own thought the consequences would be catastrophic. So catastrophic that you took extreme safety measures 'just in case' ... and you reacted as if it was your own thought instead of shrugging it off as an echo of something your brain had registered in passing from the outside world. So now you need to accept you misheard yourself, or got it wrong when you paused to do the double-take. However you want to put it. Instead of trying to 'work it out' so you can 'let yourself off the hook' or 'be forgiven' you need to stop again and do a third take. This time label it correctly as an 'echo' of words that could never come from your heart or soul. Because you never would. Not even in a moment of frustration. It's simply not who you are or part of your moral code. When you can see that there was never any need for that 'just in case' reaction, then you can let it go. Does labelling it an 'echo' from the outside world help? Instead of calling it 'a thought' (which keeps suggesting to you that you are responsible for it and therefore guilty.) Trust what you already knew before this started. Trust what you've always known with the deepest conviction your whole life. Don't waste any more time trying to find an OCD answer you feel you can trust. Another way to think of those words echoing is like a snippet of an irritating song that you heard on the radio and now can't get out of your head. (An earworm they call it.) Just because you keep hearing the lyrics doesn't mean you wrote them. Doesn't mean you 'agree' with the song or want to keep hearing it. With that there's no perceived consequences other than irritation, no catastrophic moral wrongdoing to humming along. So you'd shrug it off and get your mind onto other things until the annoying song snippet faded away. This is exactly the same. It keeps troubling you because you keep on humming the same tune instead of letting it go. Relabel it as an echo or an earworm. Ditch the guilt. Refocus. And get on with your life.

I feel the same way tied down to thinking over it incase it's true and the guilt i carry is too much to bear. All over a reaction to thoughts, the reaction was more thoughts. Thoughts. How can thoughts in our minds destroy us so easily @snowbear it literally feels worse than murder to me. Thinking something bad if I believe I am responsible for a wrong thought I can't get on with my days, i am trying to do what you say and the therapist says but it is very hard as we know. I'm trying to see it for what it is though a brief moment of frustration and thoughts automatic

Beautiful post @Tired20. For many of us OCDers the roots of the problem are connected with negative belief systems instilled in difficult childhoods whether feeling shame, excessive personal responsibility for the troubles of the adult world around us and often basic emotional needs not being met so there us a limited or very little underlying sense of trust and safety. Living with all of this demands extraordinary inner strength and spirit and although we can be often very down on ourselves this is something to value and recognise so that with recovery our inner strengths can really shine. I'm now 65 and after years Of anxiety, depression, alcoholism, suicidal ideation and eventually OCD I'm still here! We're are still here trying to find a road to a freer and fuller life, let's all embrace each other in a virtual hug and celebrate our survival through OUR inner strength.

Wine

I know! And I so want one. I'd use it a lot!