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About Ollie46

  • Birthday 11/10/1995

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
  • Type of OCD
    Thoughts surrounding sexual perversion and harming others

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  • Interests
    Cocktail bartending, movies, world culture

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  1. You feel this way because you suffer from OCD. You have a medical condition. You know that these thoughts and feelings have been blown massively out of proportion. Focus and make the decision to ignore these thoughts. You will never come to a conclusion on the reason or justification of living, people have been thinking about it since people first learned to think in the first place! I asked my grandmother, shortly before she died, what she thought the meaning of life was. And she told my that life was for living- so live it. That can be hard with this disorder sometimes but to make a start, you have to do what you know you have to and use what you’ve learned about obsessive thinking to stop it.
  2. This is how I seem to be feeling a lot of the time at the moment. The other day, shortly after my birthday and the stress of everything had subsided, I decided to knuckle down and put the work back in to getting better, because I had been stuck in a ruminative loop of analysing and guilt for days. So the last few days have been up and down, but mostly up, I’m pleased to report. But a lot of the time I’m either one end of it or the other; that is, either I can see the disorder for what it is and all the tricks it can play. Im patient and gentle with myself, I can accept myself as a sufferer and how that makes me different from others (and how that’s okay) and I can carry on with life because, all in all, life’s good. But when I don’t feel like that, I’m the opposite. I feel like some sick monster who has horrid and inappropriate sexual thoughts and groinal responses. It intrudes on my sex life massively, I’m in a constant state of panic and I feel like I don’t deserve to enjoy anything in my life, I can’t look at myself in the mirror and I feel very low. I feel like I’ve done terrible things that I should be punished for. It’s maddening. I’ve pushed beyond before, I just hope I can do it again. I feel like I’m constantly fighting myself and the hump I have to get over feels so much bigger than it did last time
  3. Ollie46

    Birthday OCD

    Hi GBG, Yes my evening that night turned out to be very lovely and I’m really glad I went, I was very up and down for some of it but it was a wonderful celebration overall 😁 my OCD has been quite difficult today, yesterday was quite good. I went to the gym again for the first time in about a month, when I was going regularly my OCD was a lot easier to deal with, no doubt because I had a physical outlet for a lot of my anxiety that was fuelling it. I’m getting there, it’s just going to take some time unfortunately! But I’m in a much better place than I was a few days ago 😊
  4. Ollie46

    Doubting i have ocd

    Very typical thought/fear, one I think pretty much everybody on this forum has had or experienced in some way or another. Just label it as what it is and carry on, it’s no different from the other OCD things you think about. You’re having OCD about the possibility of you not having OCD, the absolutely most classic anxiety trick in the book!
  5. Ollie46

    Birthday OCD

    Thanks Avo! yeah I’ve kind of concluded going later will be the best thing as well. It’s going to be hard because right now I feel absolutely god-awful, but I’ll still go and try to have fun. I have had CBT for my OCD some years ago now, between the ages of 17 and 18. After I had it and after I’d been suffering for a while, I just decided that I was going to get better no matter what so I resigned myself to ensure that I tried my best with using what I’d learned to get better. And it worked! I’ve had small setbacks and bad days, but for the last 3 years my OCD has been MUCH easier to manage and my main sexual obsession subsided massively. Only in the past 3 months or so have a gotten bad again, and only in the past week and a half has it gotten as bad as it is now. I know exactly why- I haven’t been using what I learned in my CBT at all. I’ve been making every mistake in the book. And now I’m here and some days (like today) it just feels like I’ll never get out. For a while, I think one of the things that has been contributing to my anxiety is the fear that I may have to go back into therapy. I really don’t want to and I think that fear of the idea is causing damage itself. I was doing so well last week and now I feel like all that progress has gone away
  6. Ollie46

    Birthday OCD

    Thanks for the response Dagonfly Yes, holidays and Christmases are another one my OCD loves to try to ruin. I’m not going to lie, right now I’m feeling rock bottom, massive decline from yesterday. I was feeling okay yesterday up until the very end and I just had a massive anxiety attack and I’ve been stuck in a loop of rumination ever since. I can’t stop, I feel extremely depressed right now and I’m finding it very hard to bring myself back. I have my birthday celebration later on where I’m going to dinner with all my friends and right now I don’t feel up to it at all, my mind is going in circles and even though I know what I have to do, I just can’t seem to do it. I think I keep doing the wrong things, like I keep telling myself this is an OCD trick but that in itself is me trying to reassure myself and it’s obviously not working. Hope I can get through this, this little setback period is without a doubt the worst I have ever felt with this disorder, I just feel so lost sometimes 😖
  7. Ollie46

    Birthday OCD

    Thank you very much for the birthday wishes guys! I’ve managed okay for the rest of the evening, still get those small waves of anxiety and depressing feelings when I remember it but am doing my best to just dismiss it and get on with enjoying myself 😊 it’s hard work, this OCD thing! It’s very awkward how it will spike up during moments you really don’t want it to, taking away it’s power can be an absolute mission sometimes. Thanks again everybody 😁
  8. Hey all, this is gonna hopefully be just a short stress vent, but it’s my birthday today (23 years, OCD hasn’t finished me yet!) and it’s all been rather nice except for I had a bit of an OCD episode about an hour ago and it’s started to ruin it a bit unfortunately. I fully expected this might happen, and I know exactly how OCD works in regards to trying to ruin good moods and events you hold important, so I’m neither too surprised nor too upset, just a little annoyed to be honest. Was having a grand time and now I’m stressed out and irritable, which is no fun for anybody. I’m sure I’ll work through it, it’s just a bit of an annoyance really! Thugs have been tough lately but they have been getting better which is something to hold on to. Just wish I could let it go for good really!
  9. Ollie46

    Slipping back a bit

    I know exactly how you feel GBG, it’s those exact feelings that stuck me right back where I am now! The feeling of irresponsibility/guilt like you are not addressing a real issue can make you feel so bad and it can be so strong sometimes that it feels unbearable. It’s the craft of the disorder, and it’s a way for OCD to try and sneak back in and do it’s real damage, which is what happened to me. Sounds like you know all this though, so I just thought I’d lend you my empathy because I know what it’s like to feel alone with your OCD at times like this 😊 you know what this is and you gave me some fantastic advice yesterday that was the difference between me not being able to function at a big important event in my life and actually being able to turn up and be on pretty good form all day, so I know you can beat this 😁
  10. Hi GBG, it was very sad but in a really nice way, things like this are a big affair for me because I have a massive family who live in all corners of the world. It’s been a really nice day remembering my Grandma, it’s been quite difficult OCD-wise for me. I’m kind of telling myself that this is to be expected and not worry about it too much, all things considered I’ve done pretty well but I was slipping a little bit earlier. Even so, I’m trying to just accept that things are what they are and that this is always going to be the case with OCD. The thoughts are there and they are hard to put up with but the best I can do for now is make them background noise. It’s been nice seeing everybody 😊
  11. Thank you all so much for your replies, I honestly needed to hear all of that right now! I did what you all said and just took a moment to accept that I’m going through a difficult point at the moment and realise that this is okay, and that I can’t fix it all overnight and I honestly felt so liberated afterwards. I realised that these past few weeks, that’s been my exact problem- I’m going through a setback, and because of that I’ve been desperate to fix it immediately and get back to where I was, and every time I slipped it made me more stressed out and everything got worse. Accepting that it will take time and I will have to make small changes that will add up honestly lifted a big weight from my shoulders because yesterday I was so stressed that I could barely talk to anybody! Now I feel much better and am just taking it as it goes and being kinder to myself Thank you so much again everyone, the funeral is today and I feel much better quipped to deal with it now!
  12. I’m aware that I’ve been posting a lot on this forum lately and I’m sorry for that, I’ve come from not posting anything for years to posting every few days, hope I’m not occupying too much space in the threads or anything and thanks to all who reply to my messages and support me i just feel like I’m having to learn everything again. The first time I posted here, I didn’t take the advice given to me and now I’m in my current situation where I am as bad as I was when I first started suffering. The past three days have been particularly bad, ruminating all the time and it feels like when I’m not thinking about it, it’s still there at the back of my head. I feel like an utter mess, I’m going home for my grandmothers funeral and the state I’m in is absolutely atrocious. I feel like my sexual obsessions have completely taken me over. My mind is always racing, I have these weird moments where it just feels completely real and I’m having multiple anxiety attacks a day. I actually feel like I’m losing my damn mind right now, it’s an all too familiar feeling that I hate.. I have been putting into practice the basics of OCD and have seen improvements here and there when I do, but most of the time I’m in a totally rubbish state. It’s starting to feel like I will just never come back from this place.
  13. Ollie46

    Stuck in a loop

    Thanks for your reply dksea Yeah, I think I am gonna cut back on the booze actually. I’m a bartender so I around alcohol a lot and I have been drinking a LOT more since I started working as one. There a very few Sundays these days where I don’t wake up with a god-awful hangover. It definitely makes my OCD way worse. Besides that I have been having a rubbish time anyway. Like you say, I know why I have to do to recover but I just am finding it so hard to actually do it! I’m finding myself always feeling guilty for thoughts and feelings I had years ago, I’m back to ruminating and figuring it out, hoping to god it didn’t mean anything and worrying that I’m secretly a sick person inside. I feel guilty for having had the thoughts at all, and I feel on the outside from everybody in the world. I feel like I’ve let everybody down because I have these awful thoughts and groinal responses. I’m carrying this massive weight and I used to be able to just throw the weight off and forget about it, move on. But now I refuse to let it go and carry it around with me, making it worse. I have some days that are better than others but OCD is absolutely kicking my butt right now. I’m just having trouble accepting that this is happening to me and that’s just so stupid of me considering all my accumulated knowledge of ocd
  14. Hi all just needed to get how I’m feeling out there to prevent myself going completely insane. Things have actually been a little better the past few days but I had a really bad night last night, I had been hungover all day so not exactly in the best mental place anyway. But I just got completely inside my own head, ruminating like mad. I’m stuck in this bizarre loop that I’m not really used to. Whenever I had bad thoughts before, I could deal with them just so efficiently because I could just identify the OCD and cast it aside like it didn’t matter. But now when I experience OCD thoughts and feelings, the guilt accompanying is so strong that I feel like I just can’t do that and it’s absolutely crippled me. I just can’t let anything go, and the with groinal responses scaring the hell out of me, it’s been so difficult. And it’s very annoying because once I take a step back, I can just see how typically OCD this behaviour is, which makes me feel a bit better for a while until I have a bad day again. I’m trying to figure out why it is I’ve gotten to this point and it’s not hard, I’ve been in a tough place lately just in general, I think my job might be stressing me out too much, I feel down a lot and more recently I’ve been distancing myself from my friends. And this is all completely separate from OCD, this has all taken place without even thinking about that. Hopefuy I can start to get better soon, talking about how I feel on here really does help just to get it out and often makes me realise what my problems are. I think just trying to not feel guilty about the thoughts and groinal responses is the way to go from here and just accept it’s OCD. I don’t think bouncing back from this setback is beyond me, but it is really, really hard. Hope everybody is well, Ollie
  15. Thanks for the response cookiemonster 😊 Yes, I definitely see that now, I’ve been trying to chill out the past few days and just let things like this go. I’ve not been doing too bad, I catch myself slipping up here and there. I keep finding myself feeling guilty which is what catches me out, I didn’t used to get that so it’s quite new thing for me. But I’m doing my best to ignore it and move past and know that all is well. It can just be so hard sometimes, I’ve been really upset recently, I just feel like a terrible person and that’s the hardest part... and then when I finally move past something, something else happens and it’s back to feeling like a guilty monster all over again. Forgiving myself for having these thoughts is proving extremely difficult