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About Ollie46

  • Birthday 11/10/1995

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  • OCD Status
  • Type of OCD
    Thoughts surrounding sexual perversion and harming others

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  • Interests
    Cocktail bartending, movies, world culture

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  1. I feel like I reached a relatively pivotal moment on my road to recovery recently. Things haven’t exactly gotten a whole lot easier, but I’m definitely more accepting and savvy to this illness and can shut it down much quicker now. The experience has left me drained and I feel perpetually kind of just at a flatline in terms of my emotional state. Not necessarily down, but sometimes I feel down. Not necessarily happy, but sometimes I feel happy. I’m sure this is to do with the aftermath of just putting so much investment and emotion into compulsions. I’m knocking it on the head, once and for all. It’s been difficult so far and I’m sure it will remain so, but I’m doing it. I feel a million times better than I did and it has taken everything for me to get here. The past year has been extremely challenging, the hardest year of my life OCD-wise. Right now I’m experiencing the familiar doubt that one does when recovering. It’s like I’m so used to the OCD now that I don’t know any other mental state. But I’ll keep at it and get better, I won’t let it be the bad of me. I have some bad, scary moments for sure. And my recent depressive state, whilst linked somewhat to the OCD, I think stems from other things in my life, such as work and my living situation. I need a bit of motivation so I thought I’d post here just to say that I’m fighting but I’m tired and feeling a bit sad. Can things be like they once were? I really hope so
  2. Thank you for the response and encouragement guys. Yes, I think I have been experiencing depression, or at least symptoms of depression and have not wanted to admit it to myself. I’m really bad at talking to people about what’s bothering me, I’m not even good at saying WHEN something is bothering me. I have been feeling a bit better today, in fairness, but I’m still low. I definitely still feel like I’ve lost myself a bit. I know the recovery period is up and down, which is definitely what I’m experiencing... I’m just struggling to stay motivated and the depressive feelings make it REALLY hard to counter those compulsions. Like, if I get an OCD thought, I know I’m supposed to ignore it, not react, and carry on like it’s no big deal. Used to be easy. But sometimes the depressing feeling accompanying the thought will just make me feel so awful I can’t ignore it... I just sort of let the thought dictate what an awful person I am and no matter how much I try and prove the thought wrong, it will always remain and always make me feel the lowest of the low... and honestly, some of the stuff that’s happened regarding my sexual obsessions in the past year or so has made it hard to battle. I’ve had dreams, more so now than ever before. It has interrupted my sex life, intruder upon private moments and just broken me down... at the end of it all, I know it’s all ocd. And ocd used to feel like this little thing I had gained control over. But now it just feels like a completely different beast that has claimed my mind, it feels like I’ll never win.
  3. It’s been a while since I posted here, which is probably a good thing, but today I’m feeling pretty bad and just wanted to get my feelings out there. As I’ve said before, the past year I have seen an absolutely dreadful OCD relapse which I did not react well to and allowed to get extremely bad before I managed to gain the resolve to clap back at it. And, for the record, I have been doing actually quite well with it, I’m so much better than I was a couple of months ago. That being said, something I’ve noticed about my OCD is that my reaction to it these days is a lot more difficult than it used to be. What I mean by that is, before, if I dealt with the OCD well, it would light a fire within me that motivated me to really beat it back into submission. One success created a domino effect for more, future successes. But now, for whatever reason, whenever I fail, even after several days of doing really well, the feeling of dread, guilt and just general depression I get is overwhelming. I had 3 bad days about two weeks ago and I’ve not had a bad OCD day since, but the residual feelings of just despair and misery I had at the time have stayed with me. It’s very upsetting and this has been the problem this past few months. Getting over it is just too hard. It creates a downward spiral rather than an uphill push, like it used to. I used to be such an optimist but now I’m the guy who just pathetically resigns himself to ‘what’s the point in even trying?’ It’s just sad. I know my compulsions have been bad and that I still need to be militant on stopping those. But this horrible, exhausting feeling of dread makes everything so hard. Just wanted to get these feelings out in the open, I hope the rest of you are faring better than myself right now 😊
  4. Thanks for your reply Leif! Yeah, I think it’s easy to forget how being drained affects the way the disorder works, on Saturday I managed to get a pretty good nights sleep and so when I was at work, I managed to deal with the OCD really well. My job means I work late into the evenings, and something I noticed when I first started slipping was that I would always have bad OCD at pretty much the exact time every day: on the bus home from work, at which point I was tired and it was usually about 1 o clock in the morning or later. This insight didn’t hit me until much later, but I think there’s no question that there’s a connection there. I’ve been focusing on eating well the past couple of days and I’m feeling a bit better today so I’m gonna continue the routine as best I can. Settling into work has been hard, I work at a great place with a great team but a lot is expected of me and, as most people with OCD, I just want everybody to be pleased. I also take criticism quite harshly, even when it’s meant in a constructive way, so I’m trying to change the way I feel about that.
  5. The recovery from my relapse is slow but steady and I have good days and bad days, but it’s always identifiable and I can always refocus on what I need to do. If I were to highlight one difference that I’m experiencing from my last bad bout of OCD, it’s my general emotional state and feelings towards my progress. I have spent a lot of the past few months in a very low and upset mood. I’m quick to get emotional and I feel stressed out nearly all the time. The OCD is a large contributing factor to this, making me feel even worse, and I think the feelings stem from a lot in my life. My new job is still new and therefore, is stressful as I have to get to grips with things. This past working week has been the most challenging work week I’ve ever had and included a shift that lasted 15 hours. Its physically taxing and I don’t really get breaks at work either so I wasn’t eating much and I spent most of last week feeling unbelievably drained. Very rarely is work like that, but it was this week and it definitely didn’t help. The rest of the stressors in my life are all pretty ‘normal’ for lack of a better term. Personal relationships, family, work, feeling a general lack of direction... I used to be so good at being an optimist and having a positive outlook on my life. And because I’ve been feeling so down for so long, when my OCD hits, it’s a downward spiral. For example, I’ll be at work feeling fine, then OCD hits, and with it comes this horrible depressing feeling which just snowballs. I’ve picked up on this and have been working on it, but it’s extremely hard to recover from an OCD episode when you feel so bad. Even if I do manage to deal with it well and the thoughts relent, the nasty, upset feeling will remain sometimes. I’m trying to keep it together but some days it feels like I’m barely hanging on to be honest. Was just wondering if anybody maybe experienced this or has some advice to offer about dealing with it hope you are all well
  6. I’m really feeling for you right now, my friend, the place you are in is a horrible one At the risk of seeming harsh, I think you need to start taking some of the advice I’ve seen people give to you many times on this forum. Clearly you are experiencing very damaging anxiety and it’s warping your sense of self, something I think most people here can relate to. But you have to listen and stop posting here with a seemingly aimless, nihilistic attitude. You post here because you have OCD and you know it, despite what you say. Please, for the sake of your own sanity listen to what people have been saying to you. You should also try and be gentle with yourself, some self-compassion goes a long way. This ride is not an easy one but you must commit to at least trying, we can only offer guidance, change must come from within you. If you keep coming back, we’ll only say the same thing over and over. Try to recognise your compulsions, they can be subtle beasts. After recognising them, distract yourself and allow your anxiety or discomforting feelings to be there. And above all, practice being kind to yourself
  7. Absolutely, Malina. This experience I think will be very valuable to me in the long run, because as I get better, I’ll be able to remember it for next time things get tough! Thanks for the kind words! Sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time Leif, but you know you can do this because you’ve already done it you’re doing all the right things, just keep an eye out for those sneaky, covert things that can make you slip up. Setbacks are hard but we can always bounce back! Jlmdfem, I know exactly what you’re talking about because that’s exactly how I felt until recently! You took the words out my mouth. It sounds like you have similar obsessions to myself so I can relate on that level as well. You know what this is and you know what you need to do- it can be so hard to actually do it sometimes, but remember to be kind to yourself I’m glad you could take away some encouragement from this!
  8. Thanks for the encouraging words PolarBear I think the biggest thing to take from it all is just how it’s easy for anyone to find themselves doing this. As you know, I’d already had a pretty good run with keeping the OCD down. But all it took was a few compulsions before that turned into a relapse. I started doing compulsions, which fed the doubt, which lead to me reassurance seeking and trying to reason with myself... then, when I realised I was slipping, the panic of that realisation lead to more compulsions. ‘Oh god no, not this again, I can’t do this again!’ Cue even more reassurance seeking etc. Before I knew it, I was exactly where I feared being because I couldn’t just let it go. What once came so naturally to me was completely forgotten in the place of constant rumination, checking, and reassurance.
  9. I’ve been in an OCD relapse for about 6 months at this point, maybe longer. Over the past few weeks I’ve made pretty unbelievable progress and am starting to get to a point I never thought I’d get back to, where I’m starting to feel like myself again. I’m not out of the woods yet but I have learned a crazy amount of things about myself and about this disorder in the process, and I think sharing it would maybe be beneficial to others. First off, and this is a big one- I realised how many mistakes I was making when it came to engaging with intrusive thoughts and how I didn’t even notice. I’d been practically OCD free for a good 3 or 4 years but I realise now that whenever I did get an obsession or intrusive thought, how I was dealing with it the complete wrong way. A lot of the time, I’d engage with it and try to reason with it or figure it out. And every time I did, it always gained more weight. I completely ignored applying the steps of identifying, revaluing and refocusing the thoughts. At the time I didn’t even realise how I was doing the wrong thing! It’s shown me how easy it was to slip out of routine and forget that engaging with an OCD thought or feeling doesn’t work. I will certainly be keeping an eye on this in future and ALWAYS remember the steps to take against it. Secondly, being in the darkest depths of this relapse has shown me, or rather reminded me, of the extent to which OCD will go to keep you stuck and how easy it is to comply with it when you’re panicking. I cannot believe how badly I was keeping myself in a loop. I knew that letting it go and revaluing it as an OCD thought/feeling would solve it. But the irresistible urge to gain that 100% certainly was nightmarishly strong. I couldn’t just sit with it. I couldn’t let it go. I HAD to have a conversation with the thought and try to reason with it. I resorted to reassurance seeking on the internet. And every time I did, it just sent me deeper into the relapse. Thirdly, I’ve seen how all the actual real life stress I was experiencing resulted in a lot of my OCD. Last spring is where I felt the change that I wasn’t dealing with my OCD as well as I used to. I was slipping into compulsions a lot more, but it was bearable. However, when my grandmother died in the Autumn is when I started to REALLY feel like the wheels were coming off. I started getting worse, and I dealt with it wrong. My birthday came up and was ruined by my OCD because of the ironic stress of NOT wanting it to be ruined by OCD. My job became increasingly stressful because money got tight and my colleagues were fighting a lot. And, now, I’m leaving that job in persuit of an amazing and exciting opportunity. And the stress of that also sent my OCD nuts. In summary, I can see how a culmination of things led to my relapse. And I just refused to admit that it was happening. ‘I don’t have OCD anymore, I deal with it just fine, so why is this happening to me???’ was all I could think. I wanted to believe I didn’t have it anymore because the stressful thought of going through it all again was too scary. So I forced it out! And all it did was damage me because I didn’t see that I was doing ALL the wrong things. I’ve learned a lot, but the most important thing I’ve learned is that my OCD will always be a part of who I am. It’s about how I deal with it that is the difference between where I was for 3 years, practically free of OCD, and where I am now. I still have a ways to go- I still engage with compulsions because I feel like I need that certainty. But I’m spotting this and sitting with the anxiety MUCH better now. The sub-conscious clarity that you gain by allowing your OCD to be there has started to come back. Hopefully this insight will be able to stop somebody else going through what I just had. ALWAYS remember your tools for dealing with OCD and always keep them handy.
  10. Thanks for the response guys! I’m definitely feeling a bit better the past few days. Still kind of have this consistent feeling of ‘meh’ like not being really happy or sad, just kind of having this emotional flatline. I think I was so stressed and anxious that my body kind of just is in shutdown mode to protect itself. I’ve been dealing with the OCD side of things pretty well overall, best I have in ages actually so hopefully I can get through this. I’m wary of thinking I’m nearly out of the woods just yet, but I’m sure if I keep it up I can do it!
  11. The past two weeks have been really hard on me with my OCD. I’ve had a lot going on- mainly getting a new job which, believe it or not, I’m really excited about! But it was obviously very stressful. I felt like I had to get out of my old job ASAP because it was so bad there, then I had the anxiety fuelled period of trial shifts, waiting to hear back etc... during which my OCD was, understandably, awful. Now I’m ill with a cold so I’m feeling tired and drained anyway, but also the aftermath of this horrible OCD episode has left me completely deflated. I’m struggling to find joy in anything, especially because my OCD has just found a way to ruin all the things I love doing. It’s been a rough period, I’ve kept fighting the fight but I am so tired. I feel like I’m going Hollow, the world just looks grey from where I am right now and my OCD, when it hits, leaves me with this overwhelming hopelessness. Hoping I’ll find the motivation to get back up soon because the last few days have just been soul destroying... every day has been this disgusting battle with my OCD and now I’m angry and tired and just feel like crying really. I’m so angry that my OCD makes me feel the way it does.
  12. Feeling for you Dave, this is an extremely difficult place to be. All I can say is that I’m in a similarly hopeless feeling place right now during a setback. I’ve found myself laying in bed for hours more than I should just because it’s hard to get up and face anything. My mind is also constantly in a loop sometimes and it feels like I’ll never come back. It’s really hard to do the right things, it used to come naturally and now is like I have to hit a restart button and learn it all again. Try and get those little victory’s you talked about man, they really will start o help you realise what is working and what’s keeping you stuck. You can absolutely do it, I’m already feeling small but satisfying changes and am realising why my bad habits have resulted in my OCD getting so bad again. Let’s do it together!
  13. Thanks Leif, I’m fighting very hard at the moment at doing the steps of relabelling, reattributing and refocusing when I experience an OCD thought or moment. The last couple days have been extraordinarily difficult at times but I am definitely finding it easier. The urge to do compulsions after something sets me off is so strong, but I have enacted a policy upon myself where I allow a maximum of 5 minutes of compulsions if something happens and then after that, I immediately relabel it as OCD and get on with my day as normal. It seems to be working rather well, just have to work on not slipping back into trying to ‘figure it out’ and just leave it be. It’s tough but I’m doing it.
  14. Thanks for the amazing response guys! Throughout the day I’ve managed to calm down a bit and feel a little better. The problem is, I can absolutely see where I’m failing. I engage in compulsions ALL the time, I’m always trying to figure it out or push it away or reason with it... and I know I shouldn’t because it gets you nowhere. And I don’t know why I just am finding it so hard. I did the therapy and it worked, for years it worked. But now it’s like I’m just not capable anymore- even though I know I am. I’m being extra strict on myself from here on out because I’ve been slipping into compulsions very subtly. They’re extremely sneaky, I’ve found. So any time something happens that sets me off, I’ll work on letting it be. I won’t avoid and I won’t engage in internal chatter with myself. I want to get back to where I was so badly and I know I can do it! Just need to apply the principles properly. Annie, if you want to message me details or anything at some point, I’d like to get involved if I can! My job doesn’t allow for sociable hours very much but I’ll see if I can manage something!
  15. This post has so much going on behind it I’m not even sure where to start. A few weeks ago I was doing pretty good, but now I’m at my lowest low. My sexual obsessions surrounding pedophilia and groinal responses are just non-stop. I feel like too much has happened, there’s been too many situations that have triggered me that it must be real. Inside I know it’s not- it’s like I can see it happening in front of me but I can’t stop it. I can see that the fact that I just can’t stop ruminating and I can’t just say ‘so what’ is leading me down this path to just getting worse and worse. I can’t not engage with it, I have to, because there’s now so many events in the back of my mind that are causing me so much anxiety that I feel like I can’t ignore it. It’s destroying everything- when I with friends, it’s always in the back of my head, and it makes me feel depressed. It’s like a voice going ‘your a pedophile and you’re deceiving these people who love and trust you.’ I want so desperately to not be one, but my mind is on this awful loop 24/7 and it’s like I can’t turn it off. I was doing so damn well with this setback and now it’s like I’ve been setback within the setback! This is easily the worst I’ve ever felt with the disorder. I think it’s because I’ve had a lot of stress, particularly this last week, with changing jobs. I got a really exciting opportunity and decided to take it. And I want to enjoy it so bad! But OCD is always in the way! And now, today, my mind is going a hundred miles an hour and it’s upsetting me something dreadful. I feel so depressed all the time, I feel like there’s no escape, the thoughts won’t stop and the fear that I enjoy them secretly is always there. I feel like I’ll just never come back from here.
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