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About Ollie46

  • Birthday 11/10/1995

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  • OCD Status
  • Type of OCD
    Thoughts surrounding sexual perversion and harming others

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  • Interests
    Cocktail bartending, movies, world culture

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  1. Things have been a little bit better recently with OCD, I’m having longer periods of time where I feel better. But I do also find myself slipping into ruminations, and I am absolute garbage at the whole ‘leave it unresolved’ part of the deal. I can definitely identify when I have these slip-ups and I know the hardest part is to just breath and allow it to happen without forcing it away. It’s been difficult but manageable! Anyway, the main issue is an odd and personal one. I recently met somebody and things have been going well, I think this may well end up in a relationship between myself and her. Along with the excitement and anxiety of that situation has come a wave of OCD essentially trying to ruin it. Does anybody have any advice about OCD in situations with a partner? I can just see it going so badly and I really don’t want it to, and I know the more I strive for it to be ‘good’, the more OCD will thrive off that unattainable goal. After I’ve been doing so well too! But I can’t let it get in the way of this and control my life.
  2. Ollie46

    Think I need to say this

    Wow, thank you for such amazing responses everybody! Sorry for not getting back sooner, I’ve been at work all day. To try and address what everybody has told me, soon after I first started suffering and I went to therapy, my parents came with me and spoke my therapist in the session with me. From then on, they were completely understanding and have always been extremely supportive of me, so this feeling that I’ve had isn’t something I’m experiencing because my parents don’t understand my illness, it’s purely an irrational guilt that is playing on the initial guilt, shame, pain and anxiety that was felt by everybody all that time ago. And it was a long time ago now, I was 17 years old. Now I’m 23, a lot has changed but OCD will always bring me back to those worst feelings, it loves them all too much. And I never blamed my family for the reaction that I got, no doubt it must have been very difficult to process. But the OCD/depression says ‘but you made them feel that way, how can you live with that?’ I think something you all pointed out that o was struggling to realise is that this thought/feeling I have is another compulsion, just another rumination that I run through my mind that makes everything worse, I just never suspected it. For me it was just this very real memory of a horrible dysfunction that I caused because I couldn’t get my act together. I have been working on being much kinder to myself and much more patient too. Having to accept that I’m not okay but that I will improve with time and diligently practicing the methods I’ve learned to beat OCD is something that was difficult just because I panicked and said ‘Oh god, not this again, I can’t do this again, I thought I was over this!’ Which was the worst reaction I think I could have had!
  3. Hey all, sorry if this post seems a long-winded but I feel like I want to talk about this and I don’t really know where else or who else to turn to, so I thought I’d try my luck here. OCD-wise things aren’t too bad. But since I’ve suffered this relapse a few months back there’s been one constant feeling that I’ve never addressed and just kept bottled inside, never talked about, even on this forum. I’m sure it’s the craft of the disorder, and I don’t want to raise any alarm bells, I can assure everybody that I am not suicidal, but when I was at my worst, I was having scary thoughts that were a by-product of that depression. Feeling like I deserve to die, like I’m just an awful person, that I can’t forgive myself for the pain I’ve bought others... it’s a very extreme emotion and it seems more prevalent now than ever before. Its not just about my obsessions or my fear of pedophile thoughts. It’s about things from years ago when I first started suffering, before I found this forum and before my therapy. My mother and father, when I told them about the thoughts, were extremely concerned. I even remember my father telling me when I had an anxiety attack that he wasn’t exactly sure what I expected there reaction to be when ‘their oldest son told them he could be a pedophile.’ That made me, and still makes me, feel lower than scum. How could I put them through that? And then there’s the time my mother found out I’d been researching suicide on the internet during a particularly dark time, and she broke my laptop out of anger, my siblings were crying because they didn’t know what was going on... I feel like I’m such a horrible person for causing that. I feel bad that I’ve let my OCD come back so strong. On top of all the horrible things about this disorder, I carry around this dark feeling that I’m just worth nothing and that I don’t deserve anything good. I have such a wide circle of friends and I’m a well-liked person, and I’m so thankful and lucky for that. But sometimes I just feel like their love and kindness isn’t deserved by me. like I say, I’m aware this is all irrational, I’m not at risk of harming myself, and I don’t feel like it all the time. It’s clear that I have some serious issues when it comes to being kind to myself. But it’s something that really affects me and I feel like I’m finally ready to come out and say ‘hey, I’m not okay, and it’s not just because I have intrusive thoughts.’ So if you read this, even if you don’t reply, thanks. Because I feel like if somebody else knows, I’m not completely alone 😊
  4. Ollie46

    How to not respond to the thoughts

    This is something I just started figuring out myself GBG, it’s funny that we’be both managed to learn a lot when we’ve both suffered a bad relapse in our condition! Glad that this was written to be honest, I realised that the past few years, I was doing the exact thing you said about ‘dismissing’ the thoughts by actively rejecting them. Even though I was relatively OCD free, I would always do this and in the end all it did was eventually let the thoughts back in to cause me all sorts of bother this year!
  5. Hey all, been a little while since my last post (I’ll count that as a good thing) and I was feeling a bit low so I just wanted to get it out of me a bit 😊 To be honest, progress had been slow but steady and things are all round pretty good right now. I do get frequent waves of guilt and shame every now and then which can really dump on my mood and send me into a bit of a rumination, but I’m coping relatively okay with it. Mainly I’ve just amanaged to tackle the excessive loops of rumination, which has really done me a huge favour! I’m at a point with OCD that I’ve been at before. I’m relatively good at dealing with it but I still slip up and let it dominate me occasionally. I’ve also had the classic jump around between ‘obsessive’ topics, OCD’s attempt at keeping the fear fresh. So I guess I’m winning but the homestretch is long and gruelling. But yeah, things are going pretty well, kind of wish I didn’t feel so awful sometimes but that is just the way with the disorder. I get caught in loops of rumination but I’m much better at stopping myself than before. And to be quite honest, this time last month I was in a very sorry state, so I’ll take this over that any day!
  6. This is the place I’m in right now too, Headwreck. Think of it as a milestone- look how far you’ve come, now your obsession is still there, yes, but it’s more background noise than being at the forefront of your mind. I’ve been through this before and all I can say is it gets better, I’m in the middle of a pretty gross setback but I know we can do it, I managed to make it back to this point after all 😊
  7. Thanks GBG, it was actually a lot of your advice that really helped me out to get to this point, so thank you so much!
  8. The last few topics I’ve posted here have been pretty dismal so this should make a somewhat nice change of pace! Over the last couple of days I’ve actually started to see some improvement after a lot of battling myself and being stuck in the OCD loop. It has been extremely difficult to go through this again, it is by far the most intense relapse I’ve experienced so far, and it’s still not quite over. But with OCD I’m not sure it’s ever really completely ‘over.’ Regardless, all I’ve done is exactly what I always did before, which is simply apply the rules of non-engagement with thoughts and refusing to be caught ruminating. It’s still hard and I get caught occasionally, last night I was at a late night event with a lot of my friends and I was OCDing all over the place. But it is at least getting easier. Funny what OCD can do to you when it catches you out, this used to come so naturally to me. I can pinpoint the exact moment a few months ago where I had one slip up which turned into a longer fall ban I bargained for. But, yeah, just trying to spread some positive vibes as opposed to my regular negative ones! If I can do it, anybody can 😁
  9. This made me chuckle quite heartily, ironically 😅 yeah, things are tough right now, probably for lots of people here. But earlier, at work when I was having a bit of an episode, I remembered somebody recently told me ‘It’s okay if things are tough, just be kind to yourself’ and that alone made me feel lots better. It’s all to easy to beat oneself up when feeling depressed, I know I do for sure.
  10. Thank you for the responses everybody, especially dksea for giving that very in-depth explanation! I felt like such an idiot whilst reading it because it reminded me that, actually, I already know all of that. It used to come so naturally to me, just not giving the thoughts and feelings the reactions that they want. I was fine for about 4 years solid and I could do it anytime I wanted! I don’t know why I’m finding it so damn hard to just do that. I work myself up and do all the things I’m not supposed to because I get so scared! I’m going to work extra hard at changing my responses to the OCD, I’m sure I’ll be able to get back to where I was if I try hard enough. At least I hope so!
  11. I’ve been mostly a lot better recently but I’ve had this the past couple of days. It’s just so weird, I can go long periods of time with no intrusive or obsessive thinking about my sexually perverse thoughts and then as soon as I remember it, this wave of depression hits me. I feel like I have no control over the thoughts, when they aren’t there life is good but as soon as they return I just feel completely at their mercy. I can’t get ahold of them at all, particularly during any sexual activity like masturbation. It feels maddening, I can’t keep them away at all and the fact that I even have them in the first place makes me feel guilty and depressed. All this, accompanied with the fear that it’s not OCD, and that it feels too strong to be OCD... it’s been a rough few days 😔
  12. I’ve been putting in some serious work in order to recover from my little relapse and get better. It’s been a struggle, in fact at point sits felt like as much as a struggle as it did before I even discovered this forum and got my therapy! It can be a gruelling task and I’ve had some pretty awful days. Right now I’m ill, caught a nasty cold from my housemate, so I’m feeling pretty rubbish anyway. And OCD will always exploit when I’m not feeling too great. But in fairness, improvements have been seen and that’s what I suppose I should focus on. I started going back to the gym after a bit of a hiatus, it’s been really good because I have a physical outlet for my anxiety. I catch myself ruminating and stop myself almost immediately sometimes. Sometimes it still gets me and will either put me in a state of anxiety or extreme misery and self-loathing, but I’m at least catching it more. Today I feel pretty **** and I did some ERP stuff that wasn’t exactly a failure but didn’t exactly go super well either and I’m just a bit down about it. Thought I might post here just because it’s been a few days and I think I’ll feel more human if I tell people who actually get it. Hope you’re all doing well! I’m sure I’ll get there again, hopefully sooner rather than later.
  13. You feel this way because you suffer from OCD. You have a medical condition. You know that these thoughts and feelings have been blown massively out of proportion. Focus and make the decision to ignore these thoughts. You will never come to a conclusion on the reason or justification of living, people have been thinking about it since people first learned to think in the first place! I asked my grandmother, shortly before she died, what she thought the meaning of life was. And she told my that life was for living- so live it. That can be hard with this disorder sometimes but to make a start, you have to do what you know you have to and use what you’ve learned about obsessive thinking to stop it.
  14. This is how I seem to be feeling a lot of the time at the moment. The other day, shortly after my birthday and the stress of everything had subsided, I decided to knuckle down and put the work back in to getting better, because I had been stuck in a ruminative loop of analysing and guilt for days. So the last few days have been up and down, but mostly up, I’m pleased to report. But a lot of the time I’m either one end of it or the other; that is, either I can see the disorder for what it is and all the tricks it can play. Im patient and gentle with myself, I can accept myself as a sufferer and how that makes me different from others (and how that’s okay) and I can carry on with life because, all in all, life’s good. But when I don’t feel like that, I’m the opposite. I feel like some sick monster who has horrid and inappropriate sexual thoughts and groinal responses. It intrudes on my sex life massively, I’m in a constant state of panic and I feel like I don’t deserve to enjoy anything in my life, I can’t look at myself in the mirror and I feel very low. I feel like I’ve done terrible things that I should be punished for. It’s maddening. I’ve pushed beyond before, I just hope I can do it again. I feel like I’m constantly fighting myself and the hump I have to get over feels so much bigger than it did last time
  15. Ollie46

    Birthday OCD

    Hi GBG, Yes my evening that night turned out to be very lovely and I’m really glad I went, I was very up and down for some of it but it was a wonderful celebration overall 😁 my OCD has been quite difficult today, yesterday was quite good. I went to the gym again for the first time in about a month, when I was going regularly my OCD was a lot easier to deal with, no doubt because I had a physical outlet for a lot of my anxiety that was fuelling it. I’m getting there, it’s just going to take some time unfortunately! But I’m in a much better place than I was a few days ago 😊