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Ollie46

Bulletin Board User
  • Content Count

    589
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About Ollie46

  • Birthday 11/10/1995

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    Thoughts surrounding sexual perversion and harming others

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Bristol
  • Interests
    Cocktail bartending, movies, world culture

Recent Profile Visitors

1,305 profile views
  1. The past two weeks have been really hard on me with my OCD. I’ve had a lot going on- mainly getting a new job which, believe it or not, I’m really excited about! But it was obviously very stressful. I felt like I had to get out of my old job ASAP because it was so bad there, then I had the anxiety fuelled period of trial shifts, waiting to hear back etc... during which my OCD was, understandably, awful. Now I’m ill with a cold so I’m feeling tired and drained anyway, but also the aftermath of this horrible OCD episode has left me completely deflated. I’m struggling to find joy in anything, especially because my OCD has just found a way to ruin all the things I love doing. It’s been a rough period, I’ve kept fighting the fight but I am so tired. I feel like I’m going Hollow, the world just looks grey from where I am right now and my OCD, when it hits, leaves me with this overwhelming hopelessness. Hoping I’ll find the motivation to get back up soon because the last few days have just been soul destroying... every day has been this disgusting battle with my OCD and now I’m angry and tired and just feel like crying really. I’m so angry that my OCD makes me feel the way it does.
  2. Feeling for you Dave, this is an extremely difficult place to be. All I can say is that I’m in a similarly hopeless feeling place right now during a setback. I’ve found myself laying in bed for hours more than I should just because it’s hard to get up and face anything. My mind is also constantly in a loop sometimes and it feels like I’ll never come back. It’s really hard to do the right things, it used to come naturally and now is like I have to hit a restart button and learn it all again. Try and get those little victory’s you talked about man, they really will start o help you realise what is working and what’s keeping you stuck. You can absolutely do it, I’m already feeling small but satisfying changes and am realising why my bad habits have resulted in my OCD getting so bad again. Let’s do it together!
  3. Ollie46

    Feels like the end

    Thanks Leif, I’m fighting very hard at the moment at doing the steps of relabelling, reattributing and refocusing when I experience an OCD thought or moment. The last couple days have been extraordinarily difficult at times but I am definitely finding it easier. The urge to do compulsions after something sets me off is so strong, but I have enacted a policy upon myself where I allow a maximum of 5 minutes of compulsions if something happens and then after that, I immediately relabel it as OCD and get on with my day as normal. It seems to be working rather well, just have to work on not slipping back into trying to ‘figure it out’ and just leave it be. It’s tough but I’m doing it.
  4. Ollie46

    Feels like the end

    Thanks for the amazing response guys! Throughout the day I’ve managed to calm down a bit and feel a little better. The problem is, I can absolutely see where I’m failing. I engage in compulsions ALL the time, I’m always trying to figure it out or push it away or reason with it... and I know I shouldn’t because it gets you nowhere. And I don’t know why I just am finding it so hard. I did the therapy and it worked, for years it worked. But now it’s like I’m just not capable anymore- even though I know I am. I’m being extra strict on myself from here on out because I’ve been slipping into compulsions very subtly. They’re extremely sneaky, I’ve found. So any time something happens that sets me off, I’ll work on letting it be. I won’t avoid and I won’t engage in internal chatter with myself. I want to get back to where I was so badly and I know I can do it! Just need to apply the principles properly. Annie, if you want to message me details or anything at some point, I’d like to get involved if I can! My job doesn’t allow for sociable hours very much but I’ll see if I can manage something!
  5. This post has so much going on behind it I’m not even sure where to start. A few weeks ago I was doing pretty good, but now I’m at my lowest low. My sexual obsessions surrounding pedophilia and groinal responses are just non-stop. I feel like too much has happened, there’s been too many situations that have triggered me that it must be real. Inside I know it’s not- it’s like I can see it happening in front of me but I can’t stop it. I can see that the fact that I just can’t stop ruminating and I can’t just say ‘so what’ is leading me down this path to just getting worse and worse. I can’t not engage with it, I have to, because there’s now so many events in the back of my mind that are causing me so much anxiety that I feel like I can’t ignore it. It’s destroying everything- when I with friends, it’s always in the back of my head, and it makes me feel depressed. It’s like a voice going ‘your a pedophile and you’re deceiving these people who love and trust you.’ I want so desperately to not be one, but my mind is on this awful loop 24/7 and it’s like I can’t turn it off. I was doing so damn well with this setback and now it’s like I’ve been setback within the setback! This is easily the worst I’ve ever felt with the disorder. I think it’s because I’ve had a lot of stress, particularly this last week, with changing jobs. I got a really exciting opportunity and decided to take it. And I want to enjoy it so bad! But OCD is always in the way! And now, today, my mind is going a hundred miles an hour and it’s upsetting me something dreadful. I feel so depressed all the time, I feel like there’s no escape, the thoughts won’t stop and the fear that I enjoy them secretly is always there. I feel like I’ll just never come back from here.
  6. Been a while since I posted and I’m happy to report this as a good thing because I’ve actually been doing quite well recently OCD-wise. Much better than I was and I felt like I was almost out of the woods. But the past two days or so, I’ve been feeling very depressed. OCD is a part of that depression but there’s also a lot else contributing to it. My workplace has become a rather toxic environment with what seems to be this bizarre civil war between my co-workers and bosses. My diet the past week in particular has been pretty awful. I haven’t exercised or been to the gym since before Christmas, something I was regularly doing at the time... Even small things like the ending to a new TV show I started watching getting spoiled for me. That’s not a big deal but it’s added to how dreadful I feel in a ridiculously distorted way. And where there is depressing emotions, there is also OCD. I swear, whenever an OCD thought or feeling pops into my head it just spins me out, the guilt and shame just adds to this wretched feeling and I feel like I can derive no pleaseure or happiness from anything. Clearly I have some compulsions I need to sort out before I can consider my recovery fully on the way. Does anybody have any coping mechanisms if they fall into a really depressed mood for a few days? This is something I’ve not had in quite a while and I never really had a system for it.
  7. The last few months have been reeeaaalllly tough with this relapse. I am absolutely making noteworthy progress with kicking the compulsions to the curb and realising when I do it. I’m managing more or less well, I still have some really tough days but I can at least see it for what it is sometimes and those moments are golden. Im sure I’ll be out of this rut soon if I keep it up. But, as I’m sure everyone here knows, trying to get better is exhausting and I am reaaaalllly tired right now. Work is tiring, living life is tiring and living life with OCD is extra crazy tiring. Today I feel extremely deflated and on a downer. I’ve dealt with my OCD/anxiety side quite well, but there’s also a pessimistic, depressed side to the disorder that I find hard to cope with, and it can feed the anxiety if I give in to it. It’s pretty standard ‘I have OCD and it feels like it will never go away, I hate this’ thoughts and feelings, obviously doing no good and it’s suit me better to just let it go. But I’m so tired from all the thinking and catching myself out, saying to myself ‘you’re ruminating, stop it’ that it’s quite hard to fight today. Nothing too bad, but I thought I’d post just to get my feelings out there. Hope the rest of you are fairing better than me 😊
  8. This time of year can be so hard on all of us with OCD, it’s such a beast and will do anything to try and ruin a good thing. Just wanted to wish everybody the merriest of Christmas’s and to remind everybody that we’re not alone, we’re all in the same boat and even if OCD has its grip on us through this period, we all have the capacity to improve and make steps towards recovery! Hope you can all find a moment or two to decompress and enjoy yourself this holiday 😁 even if you can find one moment you enjoy, no matter how short, that means you’ve beaten OCD at least once!
  9. Ollie46

    Very high anxiety day

    Thanks for the response vivi 😊 Yeah, it’s very typical for this to flare up at a time like now when things are going well, even more so when I consider how stressed out I’ve been about many situations right now, such is the wonderful Christmas time. Yesterday and the day before were very rough for me, it was difficult to not give in to the OCD. However, the one good thing is that I’ve found a new determination to just go through and try my absolute best to beat this now. I’ve been extra perceptive to catch my compulsions and do ERP when something is bothers me. I’m beginning to feel a bit better- I’m anxious and down anyway as a side effect and that is frustrating to have to put up with, but I’m sure that if I continue to change my responses, things will hopefully get much better. I was doing quite well before this, so it’s no wonder it’s gotten worse when I feel like I have something to lose now
  10. Ollie46

    Very high anxiety day

    Thanks for the response Malinda, it was very frustrating and upsetting for me 😔 she doesn’t really know about the nature of the disorder but she knows I have it and was very understanding. It’s just, by myself I can work through these episodes at my own pace but with somebody else it feels like the OCD thoughts are in the drivers seat making me think and feel completely against my will. I won’t let this be the thing that beats me though, I can’t let it run my life. I have a really good thing going here and it’s because of that it’s spiked up so nastily. If I can begin to leave these things unresolved and just accept that they’ll happen, maybe I can get through this. I’m seeing her again on Wednesday and maybe this time it’ll be a bit more familiar and less stressful
  11. Having a total nightmare right now. I’m experiencing super high anxiety because of loads of reasons, mainly that I finally took a girl I really like back to my place last night and my OCD was really bad. Kept having sexual intrusive thoughts and feelings and I tried so hard to just let it be but it was so strong and trying to ruin a good thing. This resulted in me not being able to really ‘perform’ and now I feel really bad to be honest. She seems fine with it, and I think she does like me so it’s not bothering her too much. But I’ve been feeling mega anxious all morning about the whole ordeal. Just needed to vent here about it and tell SOMEBODY what happened because it’s really screwing with me right now.
  12. Things have been a little bit better recently with OCD, I’m having longer periods of time where I feel better. But I do also find myself slipping into ruminations, and I am absolute garbage at the whole ‘leave it unresolved’ part of the deal. I can definitely identify when I have these slip-ups and I know the hardest part is to just breath and allow it to happen without forcing it away. It’s been difficult but manageable! Anyway, the main issue is an odd and personal one. I recently met somebody and things have been going well, I think this may well end up in a relationship between myself and her. Along with the excitement and anxiety of that situation has come a wave of OCD essentially trying to ruin it. Does anybody have any advice about OCD in situations with a partner? I can just see it going so badly and I really don’t want it to, and I know the more I strive for it to be ‘good’, the more OCD will thrive off that unattainable goal. After I’ve been doing so well too! But I can’t let it get in the way of this and control my life.
  13. Ollie46

    Think I need to say this

    Wow, thank you for such amazing responses everybody! Sorry for not getting back sooner, I’ve been at work all day. To try and address what everybody has told me, soon after I first started suffering and I went to therapy, my parents came with me and spoke my therapist in the session with me. From then on, they were completely understanding and have always been extremely supportive of me, so this feeling that I’ve had isn’t something I’m experiencing because my parents don’t understand my illness, it’s purely an irrational guilt that is playing on the initial guilt, shame, pain and anxiety that was felt by everybody all that time ago. And it was a long time ago now, I was 17 years old. Now I’m 23, a lot has changed but OCD will always bring me back to those worst feelings, it loves them all too much. And I never blamed my family for the reaction that I got, no doubt it must have been very difficult to process. But the OCD/depression says ‘but you made them feel that way, how can you live with that?’ I think something you all pointed out that o was struggling to realise is that this thought/feeling I have is another compulsion, just another rumination that I run through my mind that makes everything worse, I just never suspected it. For me it was just this very real memory of a horrible dysfunction that I caused because I couldn’t get my act together. I have been working on being much kinder to myself and much more patient too. Having to accept that I’m not okay but that I will improve with time and diligently practicing the methods I’ve learned to beat OCD is something that was difficult just because I panicked and said ‘Oh god, not this again, I can’t do this again, I thought I was over this!’ Which was the worst reaction I think I could have had!
  14. Hey all, sorry if this post seems a long-winded but I feel like I want to talk about this and I don’t really know where else or who else to turn to, so I thought I’d try my luck here. OCD-wise things aren’t too bad. But since I’ve suffered this relapse a few months back there’s been one constant feeling that I’ve never addressed and just kept bottled inside, never talked about, even on this forum. I’m sure it’s the craft of the disorder, and I don’t want to raise any alarm bells, I can assure everybody that I am not suicidal, but when I was at my worst, I was having scary thoughts that were a by-product of that depression. Feeling like I deserve to die, like I’m just an awful person, that I can’t forgive myself for the pain I’ve bought others... it’s a very extreme emotion and it seems more prevalent now than ever before. Its not just about my obsessions or my fear of pedophile thoughts. It’s about things from years ago when I first started suffering, before I found this forum and before my therapy. My mother and father, when I told them about the thoughts, were extremely concerned. I even remember my father telling me when I had an anxiety attack that he wasn’t exactly sure what I expected there reaction to be when ‘their oldest son told them he could be a pedophile.’ That made me, and still makes me, feel lower than scum. How could I put them through that? And then there’s the time my mother found out I’d been researching suicide on the internet during a particularly dark time, and she broke my laptop out of anger, my siblings were crying because they didn’t know what was going on... I feel like I’m such a horrible person for causing that. I feel bad that I’ve let my OCD come back so strong. On top of all the horrible things about this disorder, I carry around this dark feeling that I’m just worth nothing and that I don’t deserve anything good. I have such a wide circle of friends and I’m a well-liked person, and I’m so thankful and lucky for that. But sometimes I just feel like their love and kindness isn’t deserved by me. like I say, I’m aware this is all irrational, I’m not at risk of harming myself, and I don’t feel like it all the time. It’s clear that I have some serious issues when it comes to being kind to myself. But it’s something that really affects me and I feel like I’m finally ready to come out and say ‘hey, I’m not okay, and it’s not just because I have intrusive thoughts.’ So if you read this, even if you don’t reply, thanks. Because I feel like if somebody else knows, I’m not completely alone 😊
  15. Ollie46

    How to not respond to the thoughts

    This is something I just started figuring out myself GBG, it’s funny that we’be both managed to learn a lot when we’ve both suffered a bad relapse in our condition! Glad that this was written to be honest, I realised that the past few years, I was doing the exact thing you said about ‘dismissing’ the thoughts by actively rejecting them. Even though I was relatively OCD free, I would always do this and in the end all it did was eventually let the thoughts back in to cause me all sorts of bother this year!
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