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OCDallas13

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    Female
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    Dallas, TX

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  1. So, I’ve had OCD since childhood and have experienced many different manifestations over time. Harm OCD has been my biggest battle but HOCD was definitely in the mix. I grew up in an extremely conservative household in Texas, and gay bashing was a normal thing. I was in elementary school around the time that Ellen Degeneres came out, and I just remember my mom and aunt being very critical of her, along with daytime TV and the tabloids for giving that story any kind of attention. Fast forward to puberty and I started fearing that I would “become” a lesbian, even though my natural inclination was toward boys. I worried about this for several months before my obsessions changed to something else, and HOCD reared its ugly head again in my late teens. I don’t remember exactly when I stopped worrying about it, but I eventually came to the conclusion that being gay wouldn’t be the end of the world, and I made myself an ally of the LGBT movement. Haven’t worried about it since. My crushes/romantic partners over the years have been exclusively males, and I never had any genuine reason to question my sexuality. That is until a couple of months ago I developed a thing with a female coworker. She is a lesbian and when I realized we were both open and receptive to it, I had to make the decision to come out—at least to myself—as bisexual. I’m not ashamed of my sexuality in the least and other than the prospect of having to come out to my family at a future date, I’m very happy and excited for what the future holds. But then this intrusive thought came to me of “Well, this fear came true so what else might come true?” Maybe my harm thoughts? I shouldn’t even be entertaining this and it’s not helping that I went off my meds (stupid, I know) but I can’t stop asking myself that question. I want to be happy and explore new things but I can’t do that feeling like a ticking time bomb. Any advice?
  2. It's definitely a life long battle and you will have thoughts that stop you in your tracks from time to time. The key is to keep that time that you're frozen in your tracks at a minimum. As far as "agreeing" with the thoughts, I'm not necessarily on board with that. You recognize them for what they are (OCD thoughts that have no real weight), refuse to ruminate over them, and move on.
  3. When I'm depressed and exhausted from OCD , I've always been told by well-meaning family members "Happiness walks on busy feet." Do you agree? How do you know when to draw the line and just rest?
  4. Is it your first antipsychotic drug? If it is, all I can say is don't get your hopes up too soon. My mother has depression with psychotic features, and her condition has always markedly improved in a matter of days with the introduction of antipsychotics. Unfortunately, they don't work quite the same with OCD symptoms. I took a low dose of Abilify alongside a high dose Luvox and a lower dose of Wellbutrin for several months. To be honest, I didn't notice much when the Abilify was discontinued--which was probably a good thing because I really didn't have a choice in the matter. I had to change insurance and the company decided they weren't going to pay for it. It would have cost in the realm of $700-900 for each refill, so obviously, I just weaned off (which wasn't difficult with it being a low dose). Of course, everyone has different results, but the CBT itself seemed to work better for me than any combination of meds.
  5. Since I was 11 years old, my mother has had recurrent bouts of psychotic depression. They last 1-3 weeks at a time, and she goes through it once a year to every 5-7 years. She's had more short term hospital stays over the past 15 years than I can count, but she always stops medication and any other maintenance techniques almost as soon as she starts them. When I was younger, it was much easier for me to kind of avoid the situation. My oldest sister took her to the hospital, talked to all the doctors, made sure she went to the appointments. But these days, her circumstances are very intwined with my own. I had been an "anxious" kid since primary school and was prone to depressive episodes, and I was finally diagnosed with OCD and depression at 21 after my own hospital stay. I was in the hospital again last year but have since been doing much better after CBT...but now my mom is in the hospital again. This time seems to be much worse than all the others because, rather than spending a couple of days in the ER psychiatric unit, she has actually been admitted, has her own private room, and could possibly stay a week. We have been living together and depending on each other financially since last fall, so it has put me in a very tight spot. Calling her boss, even though I'm not certain she'll even have a job when she gets out, due to missing so many consecutive days. It's sad, but rather than being sympathetic, all I can do is be angry at her for putting me in this situation and have do deal with all of the bills in her absence and worrying about eviction and our utilities getting disconnected, if the worst case scenario happens. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to hold it together myself mentally by going to work, keeping the house up, etc. My other sisters have children and husbands, but my mom is really all I have, and I know that in the end it will be me dealing with the fallout of this episode. I just don't know how to stop being so bitter.
  6. Hi, everyone. I'm a 26-year-old female, have had symptoms of OCD since the age of 7, and was officially diagnosed at 21. I was a very outgoing child, did well all throughout school, and had an easy time of making friends. However, I feel like my life got stunted along the way. My OCD hit hard in my early 20s during (primarily a harm OCD theme), and I dropped out of college...and kind of out of life as well. I just haven't made much progression at all. Other former classmates are getting promotions, buying homes, dating, getting married, having children. Meanwhile, I've been working the same customer service job for 4 years with no hopes of advancement, toying with the idea of going back to school, and coming home every night to my cat and my mother in the apartment we share. I don't have any friends outside of social media and my coworkers--whom I might go out with once or twice a year. One big social impediment is that I don't drive. Most of my coworkers don't know that my mom drops me off at work everyday, so if I'm ever asked to make a run to the post office during the work day or go out afterwards, I either make some excuse as to why I need a ride or just flake out entirely. My love life...yeesh. I haven't had a boyfriend in about 4 years, and I pretty much just served as his beard, as he was "in the closet" at the time. I have no sexual experience because I just feel fat and gross all the time and don't want anyone to touch me. I also don't know what way the OCD would manifest itself if I got in a relationship, so that keeps me single. But I mean, it's not like I have to do much pushing. "Loser virgin who lives at home due to finances and can't drive" isn't much of a draw for most guys I just feel really stuck right now. It's kind of a neverending cycle. The lack of social and romantic interaction due to my obsessiveness keeps me from GAINING any actual experience--which in turn depresses me and causes me to be even more obsessive and anxious. Any advice?
  7. Oh lord, girlie. Please, please, PLEASE stay away from that marijuana if you are an OCD sufferer lol. I have OCD myself and have heard several stories (on chat sites and in support groups) of people over the years using it because they think it will help them relax or forget their issues. In reality, all it does is introduce more problems and exacerbate OCD. An increase in intrusive thoughts and depersonalization/derealization are quite common for sufferers who use marijuana. Not to mention that many people spend a lot of time obsessing over whether they did anything inappropriate or immoral while high. It's just not a good idea. The answer is that you'll never be able to "really" tell whether or not you're a bad person, but the fact that you feel such guilt and remorse for things you probably shouldn't even feel bad for signals that you're most likely NOT. It sounds to me like you just had a bad trip.
  8. Hi, Cmck43! Yeah, I definitely understand the high anxiety in the morning. I think it has a lot to do with the transition back into consciousness. I don't know about anyone else, but even when I am in one of my worst states of OCD, my dreams are never affected. I have very normal--sometimes even HAPPY--dreams, even while being totally depressed during my waking hours. One minute I'm in a dream and totally unaffected by OCD. Then I start to wake up and there's that 2-5 seconds where I forget who I am and how I feel but then...oh, wait, the thoughts are still there. It's the dread of having to face another day with the thoughts, wondering if the disaster scenario in your mind is going to come true. I definitely get it. And though it sounds incredibly trite, the only thing you can do is get up and deal with it.
  9. So I've had harm OCD since being a young teenager, and it seems like it's REALLY hitting me since my early 20s--at least one major battle with it per year for the last 4 years. It came back last week, in the form of self-harming thoughts--particularly suicide. It's like, I can be happy throughout the day, working and joking around with my coworkers, and then these intrusive thoughts and twinges of anxiety hit me. The thoughts say that I'm a loser, no one will ever really love me, and if they DO, we're never going to have a normal life together with kids and all of that because I worry so damn much all the time and seem to be incapable of being content. It's just making me feel hopeless for the future, and then the thought of "Maybe you want to kill yourself" comes along. It's like I keep checking to see whether or not I'm suicidal, and it's making me feel insane. And sometimes I don't know if that's what I really want, or if it's just the existential matter of suicide itself and the fact that I am technically capable of doing it any time that freaks me out. Has anyone ever experienced this kind of OCD?
  10. Hey, everyone. So, I've had a pretty colorful history with OCD and depression--since about the age of 7, and I'm 26 now. I would have a really bad spike every 2 to 3 years from my early childhood to my mid teens, but since my early 20's, it has really put me through the ringer. I've had three brief hospitalizations over the past 4 years due to my OCD (because of the intense anxiety and suicidal thoughts that came from my harm theme). I seem to spike really bad for 3-4 weeks, and then I'll be good again for a few months to 2 or 3 years, depending on how my life is going. I had another bout in January that lasted about 3 weeks, but I was able to pull myself out of it by going about daily life. The past couple of months have been really stressful. I had an uncle die last month, and even though we weren't close, it was still incredibly emotionally trying, as he was my mom's older brother and his funeral was only the 2nd I've ever been to in my life. I also got promoted to a full-time lead position at my job. Unfortunately, with the death in the family and some unrelated health problems (the flu, a severe allergic reaction), I've already had to miss a lot of work, and though my boss has been understanding, I'm still on thin ice with the company attendance wise. There have also been a couple of major cash shortages under my watch, and while those aren't grounds for termination, I've still had to take responsibility for them. I've also been incredibly stressed about my love life lately--or lack thereof. I'm 26 years old and have never had a real boyfriend or even a trashy one-night-stand. Guys are always really nice to me, but they just don't find me attractive. I am the "funny fat friend" everywhere I go. My last "relationship" ended 2 years ago and lasted for about 2 years as well. He was a friend from high school, and though there wasn't a huge physical attraction, I really liked him. We would often text from 9 or 10 at night until the sun came up, we would go to the movies or just out driving. He always told me how beautiful I was and how much he cared about me, but physically, nothing ever happened. Though I knew that was abnormal, I liked him so much I didn't even care. There was no clean break-up. We just stopped hanging out and texting, and the next thing I know, his mom is talking about some cute girl he met at school.That definitely left a bad taste in my mouth about dating. Last summer he called me out of nowhere really upset and said he felt so guilty about what happened between us, but the reason he was never really into me the way he "should have been" was because he was gay and his conservative family couldn't deal with it. We've become closer since his confession, but I've never had another relationship. I keep wondering if it's ever going to happen for me. And then there are the questions about what will happen when/if it DOES. Will he think I'm a weirdo because I've never been in a real relationship? How do I bring up having such bad OCD and the mental hospitals without him running away? So, I've been kind of depressed this week, and then last night, I gained a new fear that is making me feel totally insane. Granted, I've been watching a lot of scary movies lately. Last night while sitting on my couch, I happen to look into the blackness of my turned-off television and had the though "It kind of looks like a person is sitting next to me." My mind formed an entire body and everything. Immediately I went cold and thought "Wow, that's totally crazy! You know there's no one there." But even though I know it sounds dumb, every time I'm in front of the TV, I keep CHECKING to make sure there's nothing there. It's making me feel really crazy and paranoid that I have to keep checking. And then I read online about the comorbidity of OCD and schizophrenia, and I thought "What if I have it?" I've always had such a strong tendency to daydream that I can feel like I'm somewhere else entirely (though I've always been able to distinguish these daydreams from reality), so what if it's just something else I'll eventually be diagnosed with? I just feel really anxious and am needing advice. Thanks everyone for listening.
  11. Yeah, that's classic OCD for you. If these memories didn't feel so certain, they wouldn't be causing you anxiety. As hard as it is when you've got that little imp in your head telling you that you're a horrible person and don't deserve a "normal" life, you've got to do your best to live normally and follow routine. CBT sounds like a great idea. It will help you learn that not every thought that comes into your mind deserves the attention. Good luck.
  12. Hi there, Rabbit! I've had the harm component of OCD for 11 years (since I was 14 years old) and other more "typical" traits of the disorder since the age of 7. I definitely understand what it feels like to be in that position of feeling like you're a terrible person because you can't determine whether you actually want to/eventually will act on your thoughts or if you possibly HAVE done something horrible in the past. I am no stranger to the false memories component of OCD. About four years ago, I was in agony for weeks over a dream I had because I was questioning whether or not it really happened. It was a very vivid dream (granted, I was on sleep medication that listed it as a side effect, but it felt so real). I basically dreamed that I got out in the middle of the night, drove to the movie theater, picked up and killer some stranger, dumped the body on the side of the highway, and then went home and got in the shower to clean up. Intellectually, I knew it was a dream. For one, I couldn't even DRIVE and didn't have my license lol. But that didn't stop me from wondering if it really happened, so I can relate to false memories. All you can do about this current spike is what you've done in the past. Keep living life, don't give into ruminating over the thoughts, and perhaps see a doctor and try another medication and then seek more therapy, if the thoughts get to be too much to bear. Good luck and keep us updated!
  13. Hi, Cub! I am going through pretty much the same thing now. Like yourself, I was just fine over Christmas, but I guess the stress of working retail during the holidays and moving finally caught up to me, and I've been feeling bad since the 30th of last month. What's so frustrating with me is that my OCD keeps switching themes. It started out with the sexual thoughts ("Did I do something inappropriate in the past? Am I a horrible person?), but I kept telling myself it was just OCD and was working through it pretty well. Then I had harm thoughts against others, but once again, I fought it. NOW I have the harm thoughts against myself, which is hard because it's not like I can escape myself. My intrusive thoughts keep saying that I'm a bad person and would be better off dead, which is a scary thought, but I'm fighting it. I don't think family understands how OCD can go from 0 to 100 very quickly. I'm doing my best right now to stay positive because I know it WILL pass, no matter how persistent the intrusive thoughts are. I'm just doing my best to take care of myself physically (OCD usually brings on major depression for me and all of the symptoms that go along with that), so I'm trying to eat well and get enough sleep. I'm also listening to the music that I would normally enjoy when I'm not in my funk, reading uplifting books, and marathoning positive TV shows/movies on Netflix. I'm also seeing a psychiatrist in a couple of weeks to see if medication would help. Meanwhile, as difficult as it may be, just do your best to keep living and following routine and it will eventually ease up
  14. I've DEFINITELY been there. I've been suffering from harm OCD since 2005, and for the last 2 weeks, I've gone through 3 different themes (including one that I've read lots about but have never personally experienced before). Because I am able to recognize the thought patterns and was not getting as anxious with the first two themes, it's as if the OCD decided to craft something new to occupy my mind with. As far as the suicidal feelings, I completely understand. The only thing keeping me alive right now is that I am sooo desperate to feel well again--which was only 16 days but somehow feels lIke a lifetime ago, and knowing that I do not really want to end my life, just get better.
  15. This has only been happening the last couple of days, but it's like I'm obsessed with my...existence itself. My shadow makes me uncomfortable, as does my reflection in the mirror. I keep getting intrusive thoughts that make me feel as if looking at myself from outside of my body, accompanied by negative remarks/comments about my appearance or how I'm a "bad" person and an unwanted urge/thought to do something self-harming--like pull my hair or scratch my face (I have never and would not do this) . I'm seeing my psychiatrist in a few weeks (I initially scheduled the appointment in regards to the return of my harm thoughts), but I really don't know how to describe this one. Does anyone have an idea of what I'm talking about? It's a bit bizarre.
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