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Bulletin Board User
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About beckyboo

  • Birthday 04/07/1987

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
  • Type of OCD
    Harm - Self or towards others.

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    North Yorkshire
  • Interests
    Crafts, helping others,Music, Make up

Recent Profile Visitors

213 profile views
  1. beckyboo

    I've been sucked back in :(

    its hard to not do things because of the doubt and risks associated i need some help in figuring out the compulsions, i know trying to avoid the thoughts is one of them and being in these forums is another
  2. Recently started the Exposure part of CBT, For months ive been fine, barely even noticing the intrusions and just letting them sit lke background noise which is a huge step! i could finally see light at the end of the tunnel, i felt ready to tackle the last hurdle, i told my therapist if i could overcome this particular theme like i had the others then i would be set for life because the latest theme has been by far the hardest to deal with. Our first session of ERP we had to read out an article about the passing of Robin Williams over and over, yes it was upsetting because i felt so bad for him and his family. but it hadnt triggered me, or so i thought. this week she said she didnt know if id actually reached a point that id overcome the intrusions and worry already and she was unsure of which way to proceed because i have been so proactive in understanding ocd and recovery that all that was needed was a relapse prevention plan OR to be more hard hitting with the exposure work, she suggested maybe watching 13 reasons why. Now on first thought this had me worried and hesitant, then to seeing some videos on suicide shared on facebook and BOOM i got triggered i think. feel horribly tearful all weekend, to feeling helpless / hopeless to sleeping 14hrs straight because i couldnt face the day, to the old habit of ruminating if it was all ocd playing tricks on me on putting laundry away came across a box of sharps on top of cuboard that id forgotten about to the intrusions of they could be used so that spiked my anxiety, to taking my medication and seeing the box thinking it would be so easy to take them all which futher increased the uneasy feeling to thoughts of how awful my kid future would be without me in it. just feel like ive taken a huge step backards and got stuck in the whole ruminating wether its ocd or not :'( so tired of it all really. i wanna live my life and have things i want to accomplish but not if have to keep fighting like this. ive ended up back in other ocd support groups, posting in here and sat wondering if im dispaying or feeling things that are associated with someone who has ego syntonic suicidal thoughts or if what im feeling or thinking is ego dystonic urgh so ready to overcome this
  3. beckyboo

    How to not respond to the thoughts

    I was doing alot of this over the months...until i got triggered again
  4. absolutley!! .. Ive just started ERP with my therapist the first session wasnt triggering at all, so she said she couldnt decide if i was actually futher into recovery than we first thought as the intrusions were few and far between and was able to just see them as background noise. or whether to be more hard hitting with the exposure...she suggested maybe watching 13 reasons why, naturally i was worried about this..then saw some videos on facebook and BOOM i got triggered so really struggling this weekend & feeling like its a huge step back
  5. Ive been on Mirtazapine since march, im on 45mg and have been around 5 months. Ive never really tried SSRI's (Mirtazapine is a non adrenic) It stated on my notes with GP that id tried them an they didnt work no idea why theyve put that. Anyway was given mirtazapine while it is used for anxiety its typically for clinical depression. The weight gain has been a very sore point for me which is the most common side effect. Ive gone from 10st 2 in march to 14st 6 I had agreed to wait until CBT / ERP had finished before changing it and i was ok with that as weight gain isnt permanent but noticed im now getting stretch marks in various noticable place and its really affecting me and my self esteem! im considering asking gp to change my tablets, start a new one while tapering off the mirtazapine so i dont have the awful wait for then to kick in. What are to more reliable / suited?? Ive never really been on any except mirtazapine
  6. Hi all, So i had my 5th CBT session yesterday, Ive given her a list of potential triggers that we can create graded ERP excercises from, we've created a formulation and distinguished alot of my compulsive behaviours are overt too. which is great. But she wanted to show me an article written by David Veale on the risk asessments when it comes to OCD. It highlighted that some proffessionals in mental health can actually cause OCD to become worse in people and create alot of damage particularly if they dont or havnt specialised in OCD, the risk asessments they do because of the nature of intrusions. So for me this was many months ago i had self harm intrusions that had focused on sucide, it was enough to terrify me into carrying out alot of compulsive behaviour and a real need to feel safe along with major reassurence seeking all of the behaviours and the level of distress i felt, i recognised instantly as OCD. The first professional (family social worker) decided it wasnt and i was in denial, that actually i really was sucidal and at risk so immediatly took me to the hospital, on the way there said it was important i was truthful because i knew so much about OCD & very articulate that i had the ability to convince people i was ok when really i wasnt. At that point i began doubting wether it was ocd or not, meant i was unable to take on board anything the mental health team said because i felt id convinced them i was ok and that once home i was at risk and felt unable to keep myself safe, social worker then said hubby had to quit his job! No suprise that her comments intensified everything because of her comments i was convinced that i was suicidal and was terrified id lose control and act on the intrusions so much so barely slept or ate due to such extreme anxiety and distress. as i sat in the back of the ambulance i cried my heart out to the paramedic that i no longer wished to live yet the idea of it seriously hurt my heart and i was doing and thinking anything to cling on. the 2nd proffesional that really did her damage was a duty Psychiatrist, when i sat and told her i couldnt figure the thoughts out anymore sat and said 'post natal depression' even though i have never been depressed and wanted to live my life. at my lowest point she sat and delievered a certainty that she should never have given, she told me that if my anxiety continued then she was seriously concerned i would act impulsivly before giving me diazepam and sending me home again, no suprise that i no longer felt able to keep myself safe because i believed everything she said, why wouldnt i, she was a psychiatrist! after that ive spent many months trying to figure out if its all been OCD or not and what the thoughts mean, to completely avoiding certain emotions and feelings, avoiding situations because of the way ive interpreted certain emotions and thier meanings .....all because 2 people told me i was wrong and what i was experiencing wasnt OCD. When my therapist read me that article i feel so free of it all and really felt like a turning point in my recovery! Ive recognised that i forward think, have goals and plans for the future, changes i want to make and goals to work within mental health particularly in setting up a OCD peer support group in our area. I feel such a weight lifted and optimistic but most of all..she validated the way i felt about those peoples comments, it makes me feel really sad that there are other people out there that put trust in some proffessionals that can get it utterly wrong. David Veales recommendations and inline with NICE guidelines is that if there is a diagnosis of OCD and it isnt thier field then they should always seek the advice from someone who specialises in OCD. he gives some case study examples about a guy with sexual intrustion about children, the proffesional rather than seek assistance, rang social services which saw his children placed at risk, wasnt allowed around children unsupervised which ultimatly led to futher compulsive behaviour and a mistrust of mental.health proffesionals. Part of me feels quite angry that i was right all along, that i knew it was OCD and allowed others to convince me it wasnt, robbed me of over 6 months of enjoying my youngest baby growing up and reaching his milestones, reduced us to now living on benefits and me not being allowed to have more than 7 tablets on a prescription a week but most of all put me in a place emotionally that i felt nothing but guilt & confusion constantly. Sorry for the long post, just needed to vent in a place where there are people who understand.
  7. Im currently doing High Intensity CBT i find myself incredibly lucky to have gotten a refferal and first session within 3 months, i was refferred 3 years ago and a therapist telling me i didnt need it after just 1hr only for ocd to rear its ugly head again this year. so i fully intend to use this therapy fully and not waste it.
  8. beckyboo

    Ocd and Gad

    yes it is, OCD & GAD can overlap, I have both
  9. beckyboo

    ERP! need some help

    Hoping ive understood the therapist correctly. So she asked me to write down ways i think.i could bring on the what If intrusions. so far i have : Reading articles about people who have completed suicide (morbid i know) Talking about how they must have felt or the circumstances around it. Just actually sitting with the thought rather than asking questions and the whole am i sucidal or not. Stressful situations such as arguments with someone, critisism, being unorganised or in a situation i have zero control over, tension / arguments with my partner Looking at trees, rope, tablets for longer periods of time Stand on a building roof or balcony Watch programmes or films that has death or sucide features (again morbid!) Fail or messing something up.
  10. beckyboo

    ERP! need some help

    My Therapist rang me back. the home work was to note down ways that i could itentionally bring on these intrutions so that we can start doing some graded ERP excercises. Im.still struggling with noting down triggers except when im experiencing negative feelings or emotions which then trigger the what if questioning / ruminating
  11. beckyboo

    ERP! need some help

    This is very helpful thank you! Ive been very open and honest, always am because if i want to recover then theres no point in holding nack. I think it took a couple of weeks to acrually be comfortable with saying the word suicide out loud the very word had become quite triggering. my difficulty has been constantly trying to figure out if i was or i wasnt and all the reassurence seeking habits that come with that but also alot of doubt is it ocd or am i just in denial which is sooooooo classic of OCD. i do have mainly mental compulsions with elements of a few physical too. I just struggle to get thoughts on paper because they are very fast. Im coming to the conclusion that certain emotions or feelings trigger off the intrusions of 'im not going to be able to cope, maybe i should just have done with it or maybe me feeling like XYZ is going to lead to it. Even though i have no plan no intent and actually positivley think about the future and have goals. my therapist has said if she was concerned that she would make the neccesary calls and stop CBT.
  12. beckyboo

    ERP! need some help

    I could call the main office & ask for a call back
  13. beckyboo

    This isn't reassurance seeking

    First of all dont torture yourself reading other peoples stories or compare them to yours it doesnt do you any favours but only add futher distress and anxiety. OCD can come in all shapes and sizes, thoughtd, visual images or even what feels like urges, then do things to stop that from happening so its giving victory to the OCD
  14. beckyboo

    This isn't reassurance seeking

    Exactly! rumination & throwing intellect at it is one of my more.persistant habits