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  1. because im constantly trying to check my responses to thoughts it then kicks off the self harm thoughts that id rather not be here if im such a danger or risk to my children its a horrible cycle to be in
  2. The OCD 'theme' that affects me is harm intrusive thoughts. they tend to go in cycles, harm thoughts about my children to harm thoughts about myself and they feed off each other :/ the last few days ive struggled because i dont know if im not getting the usual pysical distress feelings when i have harm thoughts is due to the medication i take or not. the best way to explain is such as using knives particularly if my youngest is in his high chair the whole WHAT IF I ...that then panics me so i rush through whatever it is im doing and take baby in another room away from 'danger' lately ive found myself irritable a bit with the 3 kiddos its been the 6 week holidays so been full on, because im getting irritable i start getting worried that if i can get irritable with my kids then what else am i capable of then when im having to use knives to prep tea and things those thoughts start playing round. im instantly taken back to something a family member had said about mothers who do harm thier children and start worrying that its going to be me :/ ita starting to bother me that the symptoms of the anxiety i used to get arnt there. i darnt talk about it to anyone else incase i really am a risk to my children
  3. beckyboo


    I know there is a wealth of great self help materials out there and majority of it i do try to implement howeve the particular topic ocd has decided to hit me with this time is particularly risky to work through alone and i have a level of self doubt so was wanting to work with a therapist who can make sure im pacing myself and working on the right stuff.
  4. Since March after my relapse & new OCD topic to agonise over ive worked hard to manage it accept medication & read self help books, eventually thr CMHT signed me off to IAPT to start CBT ....just had the asessment where the lady constantly cut me off mid sentence provided crises team numbers then said oh the waiting time is around 9 months to a year so upset and frustrated as ive worked so hard to get myself to a semblance of normality and try hard to accept the thoughts and continue with my day to day life inspite of them for the last almost 6 months with no outside support. I think my only option now is to pay private :'( which i doubt we can afford
  5. Thanks for your kind words, my eldest is awaiting autism screening but has attachment disorder the last few years have been trauamatic to say the least. i dont have issues with sleep infact i want to sleep too much. not sure if they want to add anything else to the mirt. hopefully wont be waiting too long for CBT. I just get a bit frazzled when ive all 3 on my own for the day as well as being anxious over keeping myself together which i guess has the opposite effect
  6. Hey all, Ive been doing fantastic these last 8 weeks and OCD / intrusive **** thoughts have been all but non exsistant i thought id finally turned a corner... The last week ive felt my mood dip again and the thoughts are back again, so its having me looking for distractions & explanations. Ive started washing and hiding away sharp kitchen utensils again especially whe the children are about im not sure if its becauae ive not been as active as usual and checked in or not. The other day i got so frazzled with the children elder two were sqaubbling constantly and felt like i was constantly telling them off and my toddler was screaching and screaming for no reason so got really stressed out sent elder 2 to bed and put toddler in his pushchair, felt so guilty and like i was a dreadful mother to be constantly irritable with the kids started to worry that im no good at coping on my own with them and bam the intrusive thoughts started ...had to peela some vegetables for dinner and panicked about having to use the knife because what if i got so overcome i did something. Awaiting asessment for CBT to start but alittle hesitant to start 45mg :/
  7. I rang the lead at IAPT, the CMHT are now discharging me to them so feeling much more positive
  8. So last week my care co ordinator with CMHT said she agreed that i was low risk and was actually doing fantastic the last 8 weeks and and ready for being discharged to our IAPT service for intensive CBT (cant be under both services at same time) Theyve had a formulation meeting to discuss my case & the doctor has said he is concerned because what if i relapse and iapt dont know what to do and that my current medication (mirtazapine) may not be right so discharging me to Iapt may confuse doctors on what alternative medication to try my on. Ive seen someone TWICE in 8 weeks and since march each meeting has just been about 'whats working well for you and what helps etc' Ive seen my psychiatrist in june who now doesnt want to see me again until october for a review The CMHT arnt providing any sort of therapy and after whats been said has just rocketed my anxiety because now im scared im relapsing cos ive had a couple of down days who do i need to speak to or make a formal complaint to?? all the CMHT have done is served to make me feel worse and doubt my own progress i wanted to go private but now that they said im at risk for relapsing im too scared to go private incase theyre right
  9. beckyboo

    trauma timeline

    thank you
  10. beckyboo

    trauma timeline

    Well last time it took 10 months for diagnosis and a futher month for CBT referal by which point ocd issues were pretty much non exsistant. so fingers crossed otherwise i think il just look for private.
  11. beckyboo

    trauma timeline

    Hi, i havnt done any CBT yet thats what im waiting for. Ive gotten myself to a point where i am managing and coping well with things...i think whats helped is reading helpful books recommended in these forums and also to stop looking for things to make me well and just continue daily life and normality regardless of the OCD or not the less i pay attention to the spam that pops up the less i become troubled its also helped to recognise my triggers.
  12. beckyboo

    trauma timeline

    I think thats what theyve wanted ..for me to be coping and managing myself ...although i am now in a place where i am managing and coping 90% of the time i cant see what possible benefit of attending thier team just to recap the last few weeks. ive spoken to her today & expressed that thier service is for vulnerable people who are just not coping well and i feel im taking up a place that someone else could really do with. especially when i feel so ready to do CBT. thier psychologist has agree so will be putting it forward to discharge me and refer me up to IAPT which is brilliant. Iapt cant take refferals until im discharged from CMHT so fingers crossed
  13. so things have really settled down for me but still no closer to finding out when il be refferred for CBT. Since march ive come an awful lot i saw my psychiatrist in june who said she was glad i was making progress but wasnt making as much as she would like. im back into my hobbies, restarted my business, active social life, back in college .. she had even sent a note on my gp file to say my mirtazapine needed to be increased!! after speaking to the doc ive stayed on the same dosage. ive spoken to my care co ordinator gave her my own formulations and such. but 1. she never returns my calls, hasnt booked a new appointment and now says wants a trauma timeline to pinpoint what triggered ocd. theres been no mention of when il be refferred im actually chomping at the bit and looking forward to doing CBT. our family social worker has left messeges and i have yet never returns my calls. im wondering about discharging myself from the CMHT and refer myself to iapt.
  14. I saw my new care co ordinator today, shes just completed her first year in CBT training so was much more relaxed an felt really understood. she wanted to get a clear picture of when intrusive thoughts started, triggers any rituals and things i gave her a copy of my flower formulation which she said would be highly useful in making sure i get the right care going forward & helps them to understand my difficulties and what areas i need help with. she quiried wether or not a diagnosis of depression in march was right as ive always maintained i wasnt depressed but the OCD was causing depressive like symptoms i feel there is a big difference she also doesnt agree woth the psychiatrist continually wanting to increase my anti depressants which arnt even SSRI i did one of those scale questionnaire which i scored a 2 for depression. she said these forums are a good place to start for self help and also re-reading the break free from OCD. are there any self help things i can do now until CBT starts. shes going to show my formulation flower to the psycologist and also the cbt therapist until then i wont see anyone until 12th july