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Dualdiagnosissoldier

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Everything posted by Dualdiagnosissoldier

  1. Wow, thank you for starting this thread, and for everyone sharing their situations. I have bad OCD and have done since about 10 years old. The themes do change, depending on what is important to me, like you guys have eluded to already. It manifests in all different ways, the worst being fears of being a pedophile, killing or injuring people, spreading germs, saying or thinking wrong things. My compulsions have been checking visually and mentally checking and replaying, repeating phrases, seeking reassurance, draw lines and repeating things in my head a certain number of times. The lists go on. I have just come into recovery in the past few years for co occurring addiction (even though the lines between OCD and addiction often overlap and become blurred for me), and now my new obsession is accidently relapsing. And since covid has been around, another new one is fear of spreading covid and being a murderer. So yeah, it changes and manifests into whatever is important to you or that you value. I've done some CBT and I am very challenged by exposure. I am trying my best to practice the techniques, and just now I went against the covid obsession and my anxiety has skyrocketed. I've checked a bit, but I'm just really trying to let it pass. Exposure confuses me and the OCD infiltrates that as well and confused me, and having the perfectionism thing going on doesn't help at all! Trial and error I'm telling myself. I managing to make slow progress, but I'm not sure if I need more support from a CBT therapist, or is that my OCD and me just wanting reassurance from them...who knows. I'm doing counselling as well for general issues, and of course OCD comes up in that, but I'm very careful to remember what I've learned from CBT and not let the OCD hijack the sessions. I know CBT is the recommended treatment, and that other therapies like counselling can be detrimental to OCD recovery. This is also confusing, but I'm persisting. So just to sum up, I came here wanting support for my difficulties with the exposure side of CBT, and I think I'm reminded that its a process and there's no quick fix. And its nice to have you guys to relate to. All the best.
  2. Cas24, you have what I have, and what many of us have. Its really tough and ******, but if we have treatment (meds/cbt) and try not to feed into the obsessions (its not easy), they will fade away bit by bit. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there. Like my therapist taught me, its not the thoughts, urges, sensations or whatever that make us feel bad, its the INTERPRETATION. And Polarbear is strong in his CBT (ERP) practice, and I aim to get there eventually. We have to try not to feed the monster.
  3. A very nice idea. Well done for those things! Today I had a bath and listened to some music which was enjoyable. I also did a lot of reading regarding my wellbeing. I spoke to two friends reminding them of their good work. And I also practiced ignoring my obsessions somewhat, and trying not to give into compulsions. Good night, and again, well done ?
  4. Hey guys, okay, I know none of you are medically qualified, and neither am I for that matter. DISCLAIMER ***So I'm not asking for medical advice, and I am not giving medical advice or recommending anyone else to attempt what I am planning. However, I will report back and share my experiences with the community. *** My background is, previous substance use disorder and OCD diagnosis. I am over 1 year clean and in recovery from substance misuse. I have taken SSRIs for 9 years, and currently on Sertraline 100mg per day. I have done 12 steps, ACT therapy, group therapy, CBT, and I am currently having counselling. I am currently going through a bout of depression and still struggling with OCD. I have little motivation, my mind holds me back from getting on with things, and I am generally struggling. I am better than I was, but still struggling. Okay. I have sourced organic mushrooms containing psilocybin and some other natural bark containing DMT (my friend is the expert and has experience). I have read and listened about studies and it seems there have been great results. Apparantly, being on an SSRI and doing these things can either dampen the effect, or lead to more complications. I want to hear back from you guys regarding if you have any experience around this? Thanks
  5. Thanks so much for your support guys! I feel better about it already, and some of the power has been taken away by admitting this theme. I have read your comments, and will endeavour to reply in more detail soon. Thank you, and I'm glad I'm here with you guys as support is so helpful!
  6. Omg OCD has really had an impact on this area of my life! I'd suggest Katie d'Ath on YouTube for a series of short and informative videos. My CBT therapist recommended them. Like I said, I have been affected in this area too and its very upsetting. But, we can get through it and it will get better with effort and right guidance. All the best!
  7. I'm so sorry to hear about your suffering. There is a lady on YouTube which my therapist recommended called Katie d'Ath. Her videos are short and informative. All the best.
  8. I have many obsessions and many sub types of OCD, but in this case and the most disturbing one of all is paedophile OCD. I have worries about being attracted to children of all ages, and I have some form of groin obsession where I'm hypervigilant about response and touching/rubbing myself inappropriately to these thoughts/images/idea. So the compulsions is hypervigilance and checking my thoughts and actions for what I might have thought or done. What I did do in CBT helped but its not a quick fix, and its highly likely I need more CBT and to do more exposure.
  9. Thanks daja. I don't know mate. I really don't know. The meds help, maybe not enough. Its all so complicated and confusing.
  10. I took my meds and called samaritans so that has helped for now. Its all just so confusing really. The OCD permeates everything and casts doubts in everything. It all becomes so confusing ?
  11. Hey guys, my brain is fried right now as I've slept since Monday morning and only just woken up tonight...haven't got the energy to even calculate how many hours that is but I'm sure its above 30. This is not uncommon, however, much less common than it used to be. Sleep is my escape really and it has been for years and years. The problem is, OCD attacks me while I'm sleeping. In order to escape the obsessions I carry on sleeping, but then new obsessions appear while I'm semi conscious or dreaming and in and out of sleep, and it gets so confusing, and I force myself back to sleep again and again. I get more tired, more anxious and more down the rabbit hole, and I sleep until I can sleep no more. Then I wake up like this. In so much OCD doubt, with so much unravelling to do. Im fried because I haven't been eating or drinking, and I haven't taken my medication while I've been sleeping. I feel extra depressed, anxious, weak, tired, confused and hopeless. Another complication is that I don't want to get up on a bad obsession, so that makes me sleep more as well. It's like I don't want that specific obsession to be the one that gets me to wake up, so I'll do some neutralising or whatever and compulsive thinking and eventually manage to get up. The problem with OCD for me is it makes me doubt everything and it makes it difficult for me to ascertain how bad the OCD actually is. So its possible I need more help and support, but because of the doubt, I can never know for sure. Its so confusing. I hate this disorder. Can anyone relate to this? Thanks
  12. Thanks Angst. Some good stuff there mate. Just to let you guys know, I'm feeling better now. It's up and down with these things, but overall everything I have done for my own particular set of circumstances has been helpful in one way or another. Some things are more pragmatic, like CBT and 12 steps and others are more deep, like psychodynamic counselling. Everything has its place and we all have to follow our own path. For me, 12 steps along with mainstream drug service support started me of on the road to recovery, and followed by CBT and now the counselling. Of course I've read several self help books prior to all that as well. The one thing all I have had repeated to me over and over again, is self care. Absolutely vital. Also, journaling is a very useful tool for the armoury, along with meditation and also prayer (depending on personal preference). Basically, there are many tools out there that we can use to recover. Thanks guys. Much appreciated.
  13. Thanks guys. I appreciate your replies. I hear you Polar Bear about CBT. I'm very cautious about keeping what you've said in mind, even though not fully convinced. And Angst, thanks for the positive reinforcement. I have put in a lot of effort but it gets tiring at times and I lose the will to live, even though as I've said, I'm not at risk of suicide but its almost as if I wish I could kill myself. Very dark and very morbid, I know. In regards to the psychodynamic therapy, it is helping I would say but I think it's unsettled me a lot as I was more stable before I started it. Apparently this is not necessarily a bad thing as its quite heavy stuff. Bringing up all these emotions and issues. My screen name is in reference to having addiction issues and mental health issues separately, even though addiction could also be classed as a mental health issue, obviously. Thanks for the recommendation about the depression test. I'll have to check it out. I have been diagnosed with OCD and substance dependency before, but in terms of depression my GPs always write 'low mood'. I find this confusing because I have had so many bouts of severe depression I wonder if I should have a diagnosis for that. In some ways I feel as if I've been cheated for not having that official diagnosis, but i sympathise with the professionals because I struggle to know what's happening with myself! ? When I have to fill in those questionnaires and answer questions I struggle with doubts and accuracies. I aware this could well be an OCD thing.
  14. Hey guys, I know this is the OCD thread, so just to let you know I have OCD and it is the BANE of my existence. So I've had OCD since I was about 10, probably younger. Constant harm fears, not loving my parents, germs, safety, blasphemy...all the good stuff. My primary defence was mental rituals I suppose, but not that I didn't have physical compulsions. Checking doors if they are locked etc, hypervigilance blah lah, we know the score. So I had my first breakdown at age 10. Went to the doctor but he brushed it off as just being a kid. I tried confiding in my parents but that wasn't much help, there was a bit of reassurance seeking, but i clearly saw they couldn't help so I bottled it up. Until I had my next breakdown at 19. I had been self medicating with drugs and alcohol for the best part of two years, which exacerbated the problem enough to want to kill myself. So, I went to the psyche ward, started ssris and got my diagnosis. It was a relief, the meds helped, and I went back to drugs. I kept up with the drug use another couple of years and just about managed to sustain my job. I ended up losing that, a long period of unemployment and a lot of its a blur. Basically, I continued smoking weed and not engaging in therapy. In more of a nutshell, I continued for years in an OCD and drug and alcohol fuelled hell. Not getting proper support and a whole lot of pain. A couple of years ago I came into recovery from drug addiction via the 12 steps and I am a year clean and sober now. So it helped with that. I have continued to take Sertraline, worked with the 12 steps, done community stuff - group therapy etc, CBT for OCD and I've started counselling now. I have my good times and my bad times, but now I'm in a bad time. I suffer a lot with depression as well, and I just slept 34 hours, yes 34, and woke up around lunchtime. I'm still very much struggling with life. I'm not in danger of relapsing on drugs or alcohol right now, or suicide, but I am not happy with life. My OCD is better using some of the techniques learned in CBT. I'm doing counselling with a psychodynamic therapist regarding childhood trauma, addiction, OCD and other general issues. I know CBT is the recommended therapy for OCD, but I want to go deeper than CBT allows. I am not saying this is for everyone. This is my personal choice. So, anyway, to the title I chose for this topic. This guy Ben, from the TV series 'Ozark', has mental health issues. He is bi-polar. Basically, he is unstable and decides to come off his meds so he can have sex with this girl he has fallen for. He comes off them, and is able to perform. They fall in love. But he becomes very unwell and erratic and ends up being killed. The above storyline remedies me of myself. Ben reminds me of myself. He is damaged and unable to live a normal life. He falls in love and now he drags someone else into his mess, and ends up not being able to live up to it. He dies, and ends up breaking her heart. This reminds me of me. I am emotionally unstable and unable to live a normal life. I want things like love, but I can't deal with them, and I will just end up hurting anyone that gets close. My head is screwed, and even though all the treatments have helped to some degree, I still feel broken. I am emotionally unstable. I can't do life. I would be relieved if I could just die, but I'm not able to kill myself. I feel like a misfit in life and its all just too hard. I feel like some people are just not cut out for life, and I'm one of them.
  15. I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling my friend. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying and as I came here with POCD thoughts and groinal response, to see your post first after overcoming my internal resistance to joining any online OCD forums, I feel obliged to say something. It's all very confusing and overwhelming this disorder we suffer from. But it can be overcome. I also suffer from addiction, so I am dual diagnosis. The thing that gets me through life these days is knowing that my thinking can and will change. You are feeding and fighting the OCD and you are so entangled in it right now that it's hard to imagine being free of it. Just take one step at a time. One action at a time. And slowly, your mind will clear and you will distance yourself from this nightmare your in. Something I read from a book my therapist recommended said that there will never be a perfect time. You just have to jump in and start paddling! No thinking required. Therapy, normal life stuff, medication...all these things build up to create a strong foundation. One piece at a time. There's some good advice that's been posted from other members. Take a leap of faith and take your life back and win your freedom!
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