discuccsant

What do you think? Are you?

Okay, I understand that. What you need to do is to take the leap of faith here - there is nothing else you can do. You NEED to see that it is just OCD. I think the first step to actually "believe" that, is getting an official diagnosis → Do you have any?

It's extremely hard, I know. I just want to share a big huge to everyone struggles here right now, as I know how tough all of this is and how proud I'm that each one of you keep going! Yeah, to resist these compulsions is the biggest problem, especially ruminating about it, but I think being on this forum and sharing the experience with others, who have the very same fears and problems as you, is always encouraging to keep it going with not doing any compulsions - especially when there are people who got so much better in the end. I think there isn't any better motivation than to see, how all of this could end, if we just keep going and going

I think this is EXACTLY how it goes for everyone with OCD - thanks for this extremely helpful explanation! It's not like we are immediately having some kind of fear out of nothing, but as you said, because of our faulty thought process, we apply false logical conclusions to truthy statements and thus, we from one to the other moment convince ourselves of the worst possible outcomes. Over and over again. I'm not sure why we do that, but I guess it has something to do with our issues regarding uncertainty: We can't say, for sure, that something isn't the case and that we are in fact this or that, so that's why we take the worst interpretation into consideration. And then we chain another thought on top of that, making the next worst possible conclusion, which then just makes it even worse for us. It's like "always going the safest" aka "always take the worst outcome", because in that case, we don't have to deal with uncertainty → It's the worst outcome anyway, so it doesn't matter if we know it for sure or not. And that's something we need to stop. I think I might never ever see a better example regarding OCD, than this, because, and I swear by god, this is exactly how it went for me. It wasn't like an immediate process, but it went like that the more I ruminated about certain stuff, I convinced myself more and more of horrendous stuff about myself and as a person. And here and then I was like: "I wished that I stopped ruminating here, because back then, before I convinced myself of that, this was so much easier to handle. How was I so stupid to still feel the need to ruminate? Why did I not stop it there?". And I think that with each "conclusion" I made - which obviously was always the worst - I also made my intrusive thoughts worse. It went from super simple to dealt with, to super hard to deal with. And I also remember this sudden spike of anxiety, when I got aware of an "even worse possibility", because this just dragged me deeper into the rumination hell, where I lost even more self-confidence. I think I re-traumatised myself over and over again, by not stopping this stupid behavior and by chaining worrisome thoughts on thoughts. It's like as if I set lower standards about myself each time: From the fear of accidentally being inappropriate to others → To the fear of actually liking it → To the fear of actually wanting it → To the fear of actually doing it on purpose → To the fear of being a psychopath/sociopath. It's as if our brain wants us to feel like trash. Our brains make our lives like hell. I don't wish this experience to anyone. And the best way to stop all of this is just to stop thinking about these intrusive thoughts, by not giving them any meaning. Let them rot where they came from. Slowly, but surely their grip on us will fade away, and we'll see things, for how they actually are.

I had the very same theme as you, and I remember that I tried to help you multiple times. Can you tell me why it is so hard for you to accept, that this is all OCD and nothing else? Are you ALSO aware that OCD causes these kinds of thoughts and that you just need to stop your compulsions, to get rid of them, aka that you need to "re-train" your brain to not associate any other person as somebody you could do something inappropriate to? And that all of this is STILL OCD?

I understand very well how hard it is to actually distinguish between correct worries and OCD induced false worries or interpretations of things. What helped me was, basically trying to understand, how others would feel about it, if that had happened to them - Would they worry the same as I do? What would I think about them, if that happened to them? Very often one can actually see how something is not a big deal in itself, but because people with OCD do have a very self-judgmental moral compass, they do judge themselves like as if they did some horrendous crime. Let's take an example: You were sweating on the newspapers → You are disgusting. Angelina Jolie was sweating on the newspapers → She is disgusting. Do you agree with both statements? I don't think so. Because very often people with OCD only agree with the first statement, while they don't agree with the second one - and that's because their self-image is somehow very bad. People with OCD also somehow seem to have erased self-compassion. At the same time, though, they are very forgiving towards others. And therein lies the problem and irrationality. Applying two different standards doesn't make any sense. To correct that, you need to identify WHY you are so hard towards yourself and then try to erase these faulty misconceptions about yourself. A therapist might be the best to seek out for, because this took me quite some time to actually find out.

I think it's quite lovely to hear, that love makes you stop doing compulsions - as long as you stop them, you'll automatically regain control of your life. I would say you're fine and there is no need to worry about what the motives of stopping compulsions are

You're making a big deal out of nothing. I think it might help to identify your thought process and by that, understand how it's so faulty. Usually people with intrusive thought take something, put a meaning on it and then draw conclusions from that. Like this: Random moment/thought/situation → Giving it a meaning → Drawing conclusions from that Now if we would take your situation into consideration, this would look like this: "I was sweating on the newspapers" → "This is is disgusting" → "This makes me therefore a disgusting person." Maybe you should try to re-evaluate the meaning of sweating on newspapers? How about: "I was sweating on the newspapers" → "It's meaningless" → "There is no more to it" You just need to question your very thought process in itself and by that understand, how you actually blow up meaningless stuff into something big.

People just need to understand, that dreams - no matter the content - are in itself completely meaningless. I had disgusting dreams about family members, about horrible decisions, and also about the content of my OCD theme. So I understand the struggle after having a bad dream: It can really affect a person's mental state, by making him mortified, horrified and causing him anxiety - but that's just how it is for everyone, who happens to have a bad dream. It's just important to understand, that Dreams CAN'T be controlled, thus are not OUR thought process, but are just random thought processes of our subconscious, which is trying to process our daily experiences - without respecting our morality, values and fears - and thus they don't have any kind of meaning, we could make conclusions from. Therefore, they should always be seen for what they are: As something meaningless, without any further rumination needed. We just treat them as any other intrusive thought.

I think what snowbear just explained to you, is the actual core of what I'm trying to tell you the whole time - you make all these nothings, into somethings. I shouldn't have referred to these nothings as "incidents" in the first place, because as snowball said, that in itself is giving them some kind of meaning. You should just dismiss them, because it's all in your head and how you interpret these moments. You can always choose to not give them any meaning and thus, making it not only objectively meaningless, but also for your subjective perception of them. I like to give examples, so here is one - which is actually something I've seen a sufferer suffering from: "If I would be single, I would definitely fall for this man, because he looks super hot" → "Oh god, what was that thought? Did I just cheat on my husband in my fantasies? Does this mean I could cheat on my husband, if a good-looking guy was right here? Would I cheat on him, and I was just lucky enough to not encounter a guy like that in real life? Yes! I'm a cheater! I would cheat on my husband! Help!" Do you see how ridiculous this conclusion and interpretation of this is? Do you see how something so pointless got blown up into something like cheating? Now guess what you are doing the whole time.

Of course, our stories are different, because every human being is different. But in its essence, it's just the very same thing: OCD. I also said it multiple times, but a lot of moms with newborns suffer from very similar intrusive thoughts, like we do/did. And why? Because OCD likes to attach what we worry the most about. While I hate rapists and sexual deviants and I don't want to be associated with them, you are disgusted by pedophiles and don't want to have anything in common with them. Moms on the other hand always fear that they might have harmed their most beloved thing in the world: Their babies. Our obsessions are different. Yes, you're right. I think mine were "worse" from a quality of life point, though, because it was about everything. Human interaction was a torture for me. I remember being worried that I might have raped my wife, when we had sex and I did a minor movement, without asking her. Or that I might have sexually touched my adult male cousin and therefore cheated on my wife, when I grabbed him at his bottom out of a silly gay joke - which we always did out of fun. It just got more and more silly. But I somehow just started to question every thing I did, because I had this distortion of reality going on in my head. You also have this, and you need to accept that, before you can actually see it. So OCD likes to attack on us things, we fear the most and thus, our OCD begins to torture us with all these "What If's...", creating doubts over doubts in us and in end, having us in its grips. The more compulsions you do, the worse it gets. Simple as that. You're not alone. Look at me! And no, Cora. I also couldn't see the OCD in me. Like having OCD about having OCD. Questioning my diagnosis, as you do. That's how it is for everyone. Everyone in here questions if they really do have OCD, because of how real it feels. All of them take the leap of faith, that something is wrong with them. That's literally what our diagnosis are for: Giving us like a certified proof. And you have that. Now the next steps are up to you.

Cora listen, nobody knows the exact reason for why this or that → You're bringing up new examples, over and over. They are in their essence all the same: OCD. Why do you always take the worst possible meaning of everything? How about: "That's weird, I guess I just like sex" and NOT "I really like my brother being...". Like, why do you always interpret everything in your head in relation to actual pedophilia? Maybe you can just try to see it that way, that this situation reminded you of sex and because you like sex and because sex feels good, you like the sensation. THAT'S IT! We do stupid associations with things. That's how our brain works! And you need to understand that thoughts are just what they are in their essence: thoughts. Look, I do have an example from my OCD, which took a lot of time to overcome for me: My wife once prepared some food for my daughter (she was like two years old) and I had to move the chair she was sitting on to the table, where my wife put the food on. I had to hold the chair, where her groin was, because it was a special chair for toddlers. So I obviously tried to avoid it holding it there, because I had OCD and intrusive thoughts about touching stuff inappropriately → I couldn't avoid though, though. There was no other way to carry that chair. So "I went through" and in that very moment it felt like, as if I "liked it", as if I "wanted it" or as if my intention was off. And it felt "satisfying" to hold it there. And all of this was like completely impulsively, spontaneous, without giving it a second thought in the very moment. I just did it. I just hold the chair there, despite the thought. I was completely horrified once I moved the chair there and the situation was over. I was like done, because instead of saying to me something like: - "Ah, just an intrusive thought in the very moment I had to move the chair" - "Don't know why I felt like that, maybe because I felt like as if I do something forbidden due to my obsessions, which gives me a weird sensation" - "We just associate this area with something sexual, that's why it felt like that and not because I actually like my daughter in a sick kind of way" - "Maybe I just associated it with something inappropriate, because of this and that" - "I had to move the chair anyway and nobody would have noticed something weird or was hurt by this" - "Weird moment, I'm not going to ruminate over this stupid thing, because that's not how my morals are" etc. Like, I had A THOUSAND of possible explanations and reasons, why it's not a big deal. Guess what? Just like you, I took a completely nonsense moment as a proof, that I actually am a pervert, who harmed his daughter by moving the stupid chair from a position, everybody else would. And all of that, just because I had an intrusive thought in this very moment, I had to move the chair. I struggled with this for like a whole stupid month! A MONTH! I couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. Lost all my libido. I was like in a state of madness. I didn't function as a husband, father, friend and colleague anymore. Nope. Not only that, but I was like dead. Non-existent and stopped working as a whole. Today I see this moment, and I'm like: What the hell was I thinking? Who cares what I felt in this very moment? Nobody was hurt, I didn't have any bad intention, I did have OCD obsessions about not wanting to touch people inappropriately, no matter whom and thus, I had a completely distorted view of reality, where every touch was like sexual, bad, inappropriate, not good or simply wrong. I don't care about it, man! And Cora, I do have A THOUSAND of INSTANCES like these. Even "worse ones". This example is just one. I had situations like these with friends, when I touched them randomly under the table with my feet or when I accidentally touched them. Likewise, it has happened when my mom was giving me a hug. Then it has happened, when I cleaned up the room of my children, and I hold a stuffed animal from a weird position, when I tried to put it back in its basket → I was hyperaware of HOW I touch things, of HOW I feel at the moment when I touched the thing and of all the sensations, feelings and intention when I touched things. I was hyperaware of how close people are to me. The higher proximity, the worse the intrusive feelings to every thing. I only allowed myself to touch things if it was ABSOLUTELY necessary. I was obsessed over it! And like you, I ALWAYS took the worst possible explanations, to beat me up over it, when an incident happened. Over and over again. The newest incident, replacing the second newest, I started to felt guilty about. A never-ending cycle of torture and hell. Then I changed myself, because everybody was giving me reassurance, I was feeling like: How is it possible that they still love me? That they still see me as a good person? And then I stopped the compulsions. And then I tried to question my obsession. And Finally, I questioned my interpretation of things. A that's how I saw everything of it for how it was: Stupid OCD, lying to me by making me catastrophize everything that happened, while in fact, I was like an angel, who would have NEVER EVER done something like that, because of how wrong it was for me. And you're exactly like me, you're just so obsessed about the worry of being a pedophile, that you take everything and interpret it the WORST way. AND YOU NEED TO STOP THAT! The reason you do that, is because you don't have 100% certainty that you aren't. That's why you take these incidents as "evidence" against you. Stop that! Stop asking for EVERY SINGLE INCIDENT for explanations. I can't give them to you every time. You come up with "new incidents", which to me is like always the same in its essence: You're afraid that this or that means, that you're a pedophile. And I'm saying to you, like anybody else: No. Stop giving it that meaning. It could mean anything, but with 100% clarity not this, because of how afraid you are of this. And to be honest: I don't know how to answer your incidents differently. They are literally always the same. You see details, we don't: It's always the same. You take something and then derive from that the worst possible meaning for yourself. Over and over again. Just like I did. Like others did. Your and mine story, Cora? They are nothing special.

I just saw you providing additional details regarding thinking about your parents, pets, strangers and so on. You see how it has nothing to do with actual desire, but that the feeling only comes, because it simply being something sexual? Stop making these stupid associations, that it means something horrible. No. It just means, that you are a sexual human being, like anybody else on this world. Do you really think you have the desire to have sex with a tree, if you would imagine some scenario like this, even if you feel some kind of initial "sexual feeing" or whatsoever? I doubt that. I REALLY doubt that

You know why you do these compulsions? Because you are obsessed about being a potential pedophile. And that's why you are completely focused on this topic. You associate children not with something cute, innocent or annoying, like anybody else, but you associate them as something very dangerous. Something so dangerous, that it leads to your destruction. At least that how it feels for you. Now look: What do people do when they are cautious about something? They are like constantly on watch! And whenever you see children, you get into this "DANGEROUS"-mode, where you constantly check for the danger. And yes, it can feel very subtle. BUT: You have OCD, so it's 100% related to some kind of compulsion and nothing else, even if it feels "real" or whatever. As I said, you have to take the leap of faith here.

This sounds to me like a checking/testing compulsion → And this can feel very subtle, without you formulating it directly in your very intention. More like a feeling where you think you have to do so: It's basically, in its essence, something like "What does happen if I keep looking at them?". A compulsion to reduce your anxiety in the hope, that you don't feel anything, while looking at them. You know that you wouldn't do so, if you wouldn't have OCD about this topic, right? There are people who happen to have intrusive thoughts while they masturbate for example and "continue" out of a checking compulsion, like to check if they actually like it or not. It's still OCD. It's stupid. And contextualized, it's nothing awful or something like that. It's still out of your OCD. So what can you do? Exactly like snowbear said! Don't actually go on with the compulsion to check, test or trying to understand, etc. by "engaging with the intrusive thoughts" → This means DON'T react to them. And you always do and only that it is the whole problem. And no, this doesn't mean you're an awful person or something like that, but just that you need to stop doing compulsions. That's it. Nobody was hurt. Nobody was whatever. It's all in your head, and you need to stop engaging with all these "What If's...?" in your head.

Hi, so your initial obsession is that you're worried or that you fear somebody might die you're close to - to fear that is normal. And with that, you developed a lot of "What If…" questions, which in itself became like micro-obsessions: From the (irrational) question, "What if the number three means that somebody might die?" → You derived the pseudo-fact that "Number three means somebody dies". It seems to me like, as if you have accepted the distorted reality deceptions from your OCD as a fact. And from that, you developed an irrational fear of the number three, which you in the end connect to your initial fear, that somebody you're close with is going to die. And I think you need to SEE that this is a very false conclusion, you made, because you happen to have OCD. You need to question this very "fact" in itself. You need to re-label the meaning of the number three. Like: Is it really a bad number? Is it just something my OCD likes me to think it is a fact? Is the number three just like any other number? Is it really special? So what could you do in this very situation? Well, begin to re-label the thoughts! Don't give them any meaning, because as a matter of fact, they got no! Example: Incident: "I stopped the timer at exactly 3:33" Wrong: "This is a very bad omen, as the number three is a bad number, and this could mean, that somebody close will die! Oh my god! This is horrible!" Right: "This has no meaning it all. It just means that I stopped the timer at exactly 3:33. Numbers DON'T foreshadow something bad. That's just OCD making an illogical connection to something I fear. " YOU can choose to give it the wrong or right meaning. You are the one who can change the association to this. You could just dismiss it as a random coincidence, without any meaning. But you do the very opposite and try to give it a meaning. You try to apply false assumptions onto this. You try to derive something meaningful from it, because you accepted a distorted OCD deception as a fact: That the number three is evil. You should start to challenge this.

Thanks snowbear, you are right! That's why I would also to encourage you from now on, Cora, to make the next steps: I hope you can make a clear-cut and start identifying all past, present and future incidents as OCD, whenever you feel bad about them- you have to learn to re-label all of that as OCD. And to emphasize it: You really need to make this clear-cut from OCD: Okay, I know have a good explanation for everything and from now on label every weird/horrible/random thought/incident/action as simple OCD, even if my brain wants to tell me otherwise and wants me to start arguing or reasoning with the thoughts - which also means that I'm not compulsively re-reading explanation posts like on this thread over and over again, because this is just another compulsion further fueling my OCD. No! That's just a trap! I don't do anything about the thoughts, no matter how much distress they cause me. No matter if they might feel different from before - it's still the same in essence. I let them instead rot, even if my brain thrives to do all of these compulsions to feel relief: It's just OCD, and I'm not going to fall into this rabbit hole again. There is no need for any meaning. There is no need for any explanation. I just let it go. It's not important, even if my OCD infected reality tells me otherwise: It's not. I do suffer from a reality distortion. I need to take the leap of faith here, that I'm not in my normal thinking process. Not only that, but I have to re-learn thinking normal about this and that again, by stopping everything OCD wants me so hard to do, whenever I feel the urge to do so. I let all of these thoughts pass the same way they entered my brain and with that, I'll feel normal again and be free from the torture in my head, which was caused by nothing else but OCD. And this is going to be the hardest part, but the only way to actually overcome OCD. And Cora, you need to trust me, but you'll look back once overcoming OCD and feel like: Why was this stuff causing me SO MUCH distress?! What the hell?! Trust me! You'll get there! But you now need to start applying all we told you about - which also means you stop asking for reassurance on here and instead simply labeling it as OCD and then stop it.

Yeah, I know that giving reassurance, possible explanations etc., is actually not good to get over OCD. I also know that with ignoring the thoughts, you will actually get enough distance from all of this and slowly, but surely take off the OCD/Catastrophizing goggles just to see for what all of this really was in the end: Meaningless. Something minor. Nothing. So. Did reducing the compulsions help me? YES! Absolutely. But Cora is like a special case. I don't know how to explain this. I took a longer hiatus from the forum, simply because I did super fine and had things in my life going on. And when I came back, I still saw Cora opening thread after thread. I just feel so bad for her, that I desperately try to help her to get over this. She did multiple therapy sessions with multiple therapists, I think? I don't know how this didn't help her yet, but this makes me extremely sad. So I'm sorry for giving actual bad advice, because all of this is simply helping Cora getting done her compulsions via reassurance-seeking through this forum, I know, but it's sometimes so tough to not help, especially because I had a very similar theme. Like almost identical. And I know how to get better. I went from being suicidal to someone, who began to focus on running a business, got successful and who got more or less enough distance from all of this, so that I'm in much better terms with my OCD. I even became a dad again - something unimaginable one year ago! And because I got so much help, I feel like I'm forced to help others who happen to have similar themes to me. And I also simply like to help. I also know a lot of people don't have people in real life they feel like they could talk about these topics, because they are ashamed, have no friends and so on. I think it's super hard to overcome OCD without any support from anybody else. Imagine going through cancer, while you have nobody to talk about. It would be devastating. And I think by responding to people here with my experience, especially because I know exactly what they are going through, I'm hoping that I can give them some kind of mental support to get over this.

No, obviously I'm not. Just a sufferer myself. I just try to help, like anybody else try with Cora. I actually "re-direct" stuff I've learned from therapy, though. I don't think anyone really here is "qualified"? I just think that it's extremely hard to continue from OCD, if we don't really understand this and that. Like we have to re-learn what actually OCD in all of this is, and what not. I know how Cora feels. I was in her position one year ago, where I was horrified by every single thing, and that's why I can relate to her. So no, I'm not qualified, but I would consider myself as a "good example" Cora could learn from. That's still just an intrusive thought - it's still all in your head. Like where is the difference from before? You also need to remember that intrusive thoughts feel like a realistic threat for the sufferer and they can manifest also in feelings (sensations as you describe them) or in form of urges (the distressing urge to jump from the bridge) - and a lot of times, we label these thoughts in the aftermath and not in the very moment they come. They are still nothing else but intrusive thoughts? Why? Because they cause you distress, right? Because you don't like having them, right? Because it feels like a torture, right? That's just OCD, Cora. It doesn't matter how many "corner cases" you wanna come around with. In the end it's simple OCD.

No, you just liked the feeling of the initial arousal and then did something spontaneous like pressing your thighs together, because you do it always like that - I'm 100% sure this is more like an "automatic response" to the sensations because of your masturbation habits, rather than the actual intrusive thoughts. If you would be a pedophile and have no morals, you wouldn't be here telling us about the horrible thing you did -> If you wouldn't feel it like that way, you would 100% not be here having OCD and living a life in hell. Back to this: This is exactly what I told you: You did something spontaneous by the very initial arousal and the moment later you immediately shut it down, because your sexual brakes took in. Now here is the deal, Cora: Nobody else would have noticed if they had done that, like pressing their thighs together. You do, because you are hyperaware of your movements, because you happen to have OCD which causes this, and therefore you make the connection from the content of intrusive thoughts to your movements. You are like interpreting it this way: "Because I had this inappropriate thought (intrusive thought) about something inappropriate and then pressed my thighs together, it must mean that I'm a pedophile and that I did something very horrible." But how about: "Because I had this inappropriate thought, I also felt this groinal response out of an automatic body response, which actually felt good, had nothing to do with the actual content though, which then caused me to press my thighs together, because that's my normal reaction to sexual arousal, no matter how it came to me." They wouldn't interpret it the very first way, because they know, that they actually don't desire anything like that at all and that it was just something biological/weird. They would implicitly assume, that it has nothing to do with the content of intrusive thoughts, but simply with the sensation derived from the intrusive thoughts, which happens to happen to a lot of people, without them actually desiring the very content. They wouldn't let themselves define by moments like these, because these moments are not worth to be called something like "character traits". Random thoughts are what they are: Random thoughts and in your case also automatic body movements, which you happen to interpret the worst way.

Just as a concept: To get sexual arousal regarding anything which is sexual in its nature, no matter what it is about, is normal - yes, no matter the theme. Why is that okay? Because the same way we get aroused, we also do have "sexual brakes", which are triggered when we actually don't like what we were initially aroused from, i.e. from a moral view of point, because it's not our style/type or disgusting, because we are actually heterosexuals, because it's not the right moment, etc. Sexual brakes basically shut down our arousal. It stops relating the arousal trigger to something actual desirable. Yes, it did create the initial arousal, and it is super weird, but it does so for a LOT OF people, because it's normal - they would, as always though, just dismiss it. You, with OCD, not. Some people have very sensitive sexual brakes, where the initial sexual arousal - which is always triggered for everyone though - is almost like non-existent, because they happen to have them brake very fast and others sexual brakes take a little longer to actually evaluate the initial arousal - it's different for everyone. But in both circumstances it's totally fine, as long as your brakes are actually triggered. And in your case they do, as you wouldn't be here and worry why you bit your lips about something, you actually don't like - which is by the way laughable at best, but okay. The only time I would worry, if I would actually plan out to actually seek arousal from children or if you would actually continue after the initial moment of arousal, even though your sexual brakes were triggered - which I assume doesn't in the cases of actual pedophiles without any morals. Only then I would question myself. But in any other circumstance? There are tons of sexual triggers in life, and we do connect certain stuff with sexual things, even if we don't like it - we are sexual beings. It's in our nature to evaluate things from a sexual point of view. I highly believe that human beings do have a "little devil" inside them, which is here and then showing its presence in a very subtle way, we actually don't even notice. What do I mean by "little devil" exactly? Well, I think we sometimes "harm" others in a very minor way, out of a spontaneous thought, like hugging someone a tiny bit harder than usual to hurt them, very slightly shoving someone away when go past them, touching someone very slightly on their bottom while we walk pass them without it being wird, getting into people's private space by watching into their phones, pushing our shopping cart against someone's back slightly to annoy them, because it's crowded, listening to other peoples conversation on purpose... - and so on. I really believe that everybody in here knows about these very tiny and small moments in their life, if they would actually try to remember something like that. So yeah. We do have these little moments of weirdness in us - and they can actually be like all these moments in your case. And sometimes it's so subtle, that we don't even notice. And that's why most people aren't even aware of that, because they don't obsess about these very subtle moments, nobody but themselves actually notice. They are not hyperaware of their every single thought and action. They indirectly know it doesn't have any meaning and therefore don't even notice it. And that's okay, because what actually defines us is our overall morals and our actual thinking and not a biological, spontaneous impulse, nobody in the world can control and which in the end hurts absolutely nobody. It's not like the guy I shoved a tiny bit "more aggressive" when I passed him, will develop a trauma out of it - That's absurd. Only people with OCD overthink all of these moments and people on this forum. Others, and I've learned, don't even consider these moments to be actual actions, but simply to be like "intrusive" or "spontaneous" thoughts, which cause a reality distortion, as if we actually don't do have these very minor moments of weirdness in us - I'm not sure about that. Well, that's not important, though. So, Cora, do you understand all of this? If yes, please confirm this to me, because I'm not sure if you get the message. That's the third time I've actually tried to "deliver" this to you. At some point you have to be "happy" with the reassurance we give to you, to actually help you to identify all this anxiety and so on for what they are: Nothing meaningfully, but simple OCD. I know we shouldn't give any reassurance, but I really feel like as if you need an explanation like this, to have an actual fundament you can always rely on and build upon.

Okay, let's try to tackle it from an overall view, as I think that you might not have understood what your problem is: Obsession - The fear of not having good enough orgasms. Intrusive thoughts - What if this is not a good orgasm? - What if I experience orgasms differently to others? - What if I can get better orgasms, but just don't know how? - What if I'll never have a good orgasm? - What if... Compulsions - Asking for reassurance on this forum. - Ruminating over and over again whether this or that orgasm was good. - Trying to avoid having orgasm, because nobody knows the answer if these orgasms are good, thus having anxiety. - Testing your orgasm quality by having orgasms through masturbation/sex just for this very reason, and then evaluating them. Overall, as always, you suffer like everybody else in here from the quest for certainty. That's why you doubt every single orgasm and that's why you feel this anxiety, because you can't answer this question. It makes you depressed. It makes you feeling bad. What can you do now to get better? Well, you simply stop seeking good orgasms. You don't have to find it out. There is no need for that. Nobody asks themselves if their orgasms are good or bad. Orgasms are always subjective, by the way. Nobody knows how others experience their orgasms. You only have your own scale of good and bad. And if you don't know the answer whether this or that orgasm was good or bad, you simply let it go. You don't need to answer it. And you need to stop all compulsions. And yes, this also means that you generally shut down the quest for good orgasms, as you're obsessed by that. This is by the way a great example for everybody else here, how OCD can make your life a hell, no matter the topic. All these different themes are basically the very same, and it is always about some random fear, anxiety and the intolerance of uncertainty, by seeking certainty. It doesn't matter the topic. EDIT: And yes, please follow the advice given from @ocdjonesy. That's basically some kind of ERP and might help. ERP basically helps you to identify how ridiculous the actual fear is. We can't worry about something, we never feared in the first place.

Yeah, had that experience as well. The more you try to remember details of something, the more you add. So you have to understand: Either we remember or we don't. All these additional details we add, got added because we create memories of remembering memories → Our brains are stupid regarding that. It has problems differentiating between difference sources of truth. And memories in itself are always subjective and never objective. Memories also happen to be manipulated by emotions. Memories do alter the more we remember them. If we happen to remember then negatively, we will add negative details. If we happen to remember them positively, we'll add positive details or delete negative aspects of them. So the most truthy memory you have about a certain event is the one, you remembered the very first time - that's actually a statement I've read from an expert regarding this topic. And as a general rule of thumb: You would remember the bad things. Don't worry.

And why do you want to improve them so hard? What's the big deal with having better orgasms, if it means, that you suffer from OCD? Why do you need it that much? What does it give to you, except of anxiety? And why would you compare yourself to others, when they don't have these issues like you do? Yeah, it might be, that out in this world there are orgasm enthusiasts and who want to achieve the best possible orgasm and who set that as their lifetime goal or just have this as a side hobby - fair enough. But I don't think they've developed OCD out of that, like you do, or that they suffer from anxiety, intrusive thoughts, depression and a loss of their libido because of that. You do have a very unhealthy relationship regarding this topic, and you seem to be fixated with it. Question yourself: Is this obsession still healthy for you? Does it do you good? Is it comparable to normal hobbies? Is it something normal? Does it cause harm to your mental state?

Yeah, but they maybe try that or one or three days and not since 10 years with anxiety developed out of that - do you get my point? I think you should avoid this topic once and for all - you already tried 10 years your best regarding this, at some point people gotta stop it. And you especially. If you want to get better and not taking the risk to obsess about it again, you better stop this forever. No more thinking about bad, better and the best possible orgasms anymore. And you have to start applying this advice now, if you want to get better.