Intense self-hatred

[Northern Star]

Hi, me again :blushing:

I have very low self-esteem. I hate myself so much. I haven't cut myself for 6 days now, although there has been other self-harm (won't go into what). I mess so much up. I've got my A levels in a couple of months and there is no way I'm going to get the grades I want (4 A's). The last year my work has gone to pot. Luckily I had done enough work beforehand to get me through my AS levels last summer with OK grades but that's not happened this year. In the modules and mocks I did this January I got an A, B, C and D. I don't think I can cope with the stress of having to revise for these exams. It's made harder by there being synoptic elements in 3 of them, so basically I have to know the whole of the 2 year course for each of those subjects. I dread going to sleep sometimes because I know I will (probably) wake up in the morning. I so often ask a friend if they like me, if everything's OK between us, I'm paranoid of having offended them or having done something to damage or destroy our friendship. I'm sleeping so much - atm probably sleeping 11/12 hours a night (on school hols), then being up for about 12 hours then sleeping for another 12 hours. I do wake up in the nights but I'm sure I shouldn't be sleeping this much. In fact, when I go back to school I can't sleep this much. 2 out of 4 days this week I overslept and was either late or nearly late for school. What's wrong with me? Why am I such a horrible, horrible person? :lol:

[Guest Deb]

Your not horrible Jo.

Your a wonderful person. Your kind, warm, caring, and wonderfully supportive to so many people here. Don't think you realize just how important you are.

Self doubt is a nasty nagging voice that doesn't deserve your time. You have had so much on your plate, don't be to hard on yourself.

I believe in you Jo, you can get through this.

Take care of yourself, and most of all believe in yourself. We are all cheering you on you know. :blushing:

Debxx

[Guest tangoblu]

Jo - exam time is a stressful time all round - our daughter is going through A levels atm so I can sympathise :blushing:

The best thing you can do is to try and sort out a revision timetable for yourself so that you feel organised.

Just think that in a few months it will all be over - school will be finished and life will begin!

At the end of the day you can only do your best - it is not the end of the world if you don't get top grades - the most important thing is to get yourself sorted - then you can make choices as to universities etc... they can and will wait Jo - get your life sorted.

Big hug

Pam

[Caramoole]

Jo you are most definitely NOT an 'orrible person (sticking out tongue smiley)

You are a girl who we've all become very fond of (but could shake from time to time ) You're a girl who is struggling with an illness at the moment and all sorts of other life problems and not giving yourself the understanding and courtesy you would afford everyone else.

If you pass your exams, that will be great, we'll all crack open a bottle but if you don't, don't worry, you've a whole lifetime to catch up.

I left school with my 'O' levels (and shortly after a degree in anxiety/ocd ), My sister went to Uni and left with a First Class Honours Degree, 4 A levels and 10 'O levels' (mimimum Grade 2)

Don't want to boast but guess who's had the most successful life in the real world Despite problems.

You've so much life to live Jo, so much time to learn and change, exams are important but not the 'B' All, although it seems so at the time.

I've got faith in you as well

[Guest twoshoes]

I have faith in you too!

Exams are important but not as important as you. Don't let the stress ruin your life. I hated doing my A levels and I got rubbish results, i am 26 now and if I wanted to I could go and do it all again. Caramoole is right it feel like the end of the world but it's not, there are very few things in this world that you only get one shot at.

The Mr has A level music and never finished his CS degree but he is very sucessful and all because he has a talent.

You have a talent and although they measure your talent by exams a bad mark does not take your talent away.

Please take care, and start taking you own advice, you are popular for a reason.

Twoshoes

[Guest Sammyhostie]

I echo everyone else on here.

Yo have been so supportive to me over the last month or so, and offer such good advice and reassurance.

Qualifications are bits if paper, if only we could decide how our mind works with a pass or a fail! You will get the grades you want, if not this year then the next.

You will get there honey, and there is no time limit. Youre doing very well still going to school and studying, so please dont think your not.

Sleeping a lot is a sign that your body and mind is tired and needs to recharge itself a lot, like batteries being re-charged.

When they are a bit low, they are back to full power after a few hours on charge, when there completely drained, they need a full stretch.

You are a very lovely, caring and genuine person honey, so please dont think you are any different.

Take care

Lots of love and strength

Sammie xx

[Guest Brainstrain]

Hang in there Nothern Star, and please don't hurt yourself, you are being too hard on yourself - OK so it took some counselling for me to see that about myself - but you really must try to relax a little. I know exam time is stressful but I only got 3 C's for my A levels and I have still got a degree and am in the career that I had always wanted to be in.

Does your GP know about your OCD? Is there anyway you could get a medical certificate to get special dispensation from the exam board? Then they would take your illness into account when awarding your marks. Just a thought.

Oh, and by the way -YOU'RE NOT HORRIBLE!!!!!!! The very fact that you have OCD means that you are a considerate person who cares about everything too much. I should listen to myself here because I go through the self-loathing you talk about too but somehow it's always easier to give advice than to follow it yourself, don't you find?

Take Care

Brainstrain

[Guest Sammyhostie]

Thats a really good point Brainstrain about the dispensation thing, my dad died 2 months before my A Level exams, and I called my universities and explained the situation, and even though I got WELL below the grades I needed I was still given a place.

You should defo let them know honey, you deserve some special consideration because of your OCD

xx

[catherine]

Hi NS (the not so horrible girl )

I know A'levels do seem like your world at 18 but as you progress through life (some of us have 'progressed' more than others ) they pale into less significance. There are tons of alternatives these days, for example you could go onto do do advanced NVQ's or BTEC's etc at college. Try a bit of lateral thinking! So many people follow an unconventional path through their careers, and you have a lot of personal skills and qualities. You could even study part time and get a bit of work to keep you going. I really do feel you will still come through with or withour A'levels. I was accepted (and passed :tongue: ) an MBA degree without having an undergraduate degree, as I was assessed on my work/life experience alone when I applied aged 32. I'm not blowing my own trumpet and there are far more naturally academically gifted students out there but I ended up with the top marks in my group. And hey, I didn't to to uni at 18, in a very similar way to what cameroole described.

You don't have to be a clone of all other 18 year olds, you are your own person and have an incredible maturity about you. I personally now take the decision to explain to people the difficulties I have and college (I just do pt computer classes) have always been very supportive of me.

Go and grab life and try not to be constrained by the traditional A'level/uni route. It may or may not be that this path is the right one for you

Catherine

[Guest ScottOCDid]

Hi NS

What's wrong with me?

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My money's on OCD.

Why am I such a horrible, horrible person?

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You're not, of course - but you did mention:

I have very low self-esteem.

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... which may answer the question as to why you're feeling that way.

I've been digging through my lifelong OCD experiences recently and it's made me relive some of the pain that it caused. I came through that pain and have such a different outlook now. You just need to stay strong, Jo, because saying "it will get better" isn't as hollow a statement as it might first sound.

Hang in there, soldier.

S