'Bad Girls' suicide scene set me off

[Guest raindancing]

Hi guys.

Dunno if any of you watched it last night, but a scene from 'Bad Girls' really stuck in my head and has made me feel really bad.

**POSSIBLE TRIGGER**

Basically this young woman had killed her mum and hidden her sister away in a disused place because they bullied her badly. So this girl was really depressed etc. Anyway, a prison officer convinced her to save her sister by showing them where she was, but when they found her, the sister yelled at her all the names she bullied her with etc etc, and this girl looked at them all and said "I'm sorry" and jumped off this high ledge and died. :omg:

It really shocked me. And then the thoughts started. Well, I have been suicidal before, so I have actually experienced her feelings, as I was bullied at school too. I started thinking about suicidal things (not that I am suicidal), but questioning myself, like "would you kill yourself?" "do you want to?" "what if you get so depressed you kill someone like she did?" and stuff about how would I do it then and like my thoughts are taunting me with mixture of memories of when I WAS suicidal, like how do I know I am not suicidal now? Look, you are thinking about it and how you would do it so you must be - but I'm not, I answer back in my head.

And what if I hurt someone like she did because I am depressed like she was??? What if I drink too much and do something awful? I am already avoiding knives AGAIN because of such fears.

I know it was just a tv show (and one of my faves), but her state of mind touched something familiar in me and the thoughts came flooding through, both memories and OCD thoughts but it's hard to distinguish which makes this hard to sort out in my head because I have felt how she did and look what happened to her and what she did too.

:help:

'Chelle x

[Northern Star]

Hi 'Chelle,

'Bad Girls' is one of my fave TV progs too! But I missed it last night and must have messed up the video 'cos I tried to record it but obviously did something wrong!

But back to the main point, just because you're having these thoughts it doesn't make them real. Obsessing about suicide (and obsessing is what your OCD's making you do) doesn't mean that you want to kill yourself. Your OCD has found something to latch onto that it can torment you with but it isn't real, it isn't, it isn't.

Stay strong

[Ashley]

But back to the main point, just because you're having these thoughts it doesn't make them real. Obsessing about suicide (and obsessing is what your OCD's making you do) doesn't mean that you want to kill yourself. Your OCD has found something to latch onto that it can torment you with but it isn't real, it isn't, it isn't.

47550[/snapback]

Hi Jo,

This is not a critisicm but I just wondered why you can give such superb, educated advice to others yet you forget all this stuff when it comes to yourself?

Maybe next time you are having a bad moment try and think about yourself has a third person and give yourself the advice you would give someone else?

Ash.

[Guest raindancing]

I couldn't sleep last night I kept dreaming of falling like her and waking up suddenly all panicky and horrible.

I have felt like her. I have been feeling really low for some days now and then I saw that on tv and it 'clicked' something in me about when I was suicidal before and now I can't stop thinking about her and then me and how I felt then and whether I feel like that now.

But I know I don't want to die. But I keep thinking why am I thinking so much about it if I am not bothered? And I am feeling really low so what if I get lower? And what about how she hurt people and I feel like she does, so that makes me at the same risk of 'losing it' as her!

The thoughts are all muddled up with real memories and feelings. She could be me/I could be her. The same feelings, and look what happened to her, and she hurt people too. I don't know I don't know. I am confused.

'Chelle x

[Guest justme]

Hi Raindancing,

I am sure you do not need me to point this out to you,but looking at your last post you are ruminating and reacting to the OCD.As Ashie says try and look at the situation as a observer and take your own advice.Do not run with the OCD.Especially when we start to fantasize as well as ruminating.Just walk around the OCD.I have very bad thoughts the cause me a lot of pain but am over coming them,so my heart goes out to you,cause we all have been there.You are a very good person.You obviously related to the suicidal thoughts which is natural and what we do as humans but its does not mean any actions will flow from them.Its the OCD that is producing these thoughts not you.Congratulations on finishing your degree! Hope this has helped.

Peter

[Northern Star]

But I know I don't want to die. 

This was the bit that stood out for me from what you wrote. You've said it youself:

you don't want to die. OCD will never make you do what you fear. Never ever. numquam umquam (running out of languages now ).

But I keep thinking why am I thinking so much about it if I am not bothered?

Because you have OCD. The blighter is making you feel this way but it's not you, it's your OCD.

[Guest raindancing]

Thanks guys, I am feeling better about it now.

I know this was OCD, but I guess I just couldn't stop the rumination. Just low at the moment, so I suppose it doesn't help, defences are down and all muggy-headed anyway, easy for thoughts to take over like that isn't it.

I am looking forward to the CBT whenever it will start (waiting list...) so I guess I will have to sit tight till then eh.

Thanks again.

'Chelle x

[Northern Star]

Glad you're feeling better

[Caramoole]

I'm glad you're feeling better Raindancing, as you're realising this was a classic OCD attack, television programmes/thrillers often trip the emotions when we're feeilng low already but that's all it is OCD. I've had all these fears, the 'What If's' about harm, about suicide etc, they are scary but we have to hang on to the fact that they are scary because it's the opposite to what we want to do, it's what we NEVER would do.

Hi Jo,

This is not a critisicm but I just wondered why you can give such superb, educated advice to others yet you forget all this stuff when it comes to yourself?

Well, I'm quite pleased to see a bit of the old Jo back. Keep up the good advice Jo and practice what you preach

Caramoole