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Please can anyone help - I feel so bad :(


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Currently I am alone, watching my 9 year old brother. He's being good and all (which is strange), but I'm just waiting for a mistake to be made on my part. Then I'll have to repent because I'm a bad person. I'm desperate for a hug. That's a strange request from me, as I'm not your typical "hugger" in person. I can't tell anyone though. I've recently been branded as an "attention seeker". It's my fault though because I wasn't telling the doctors everything - I was afraid to. This guilt is killing me. I'm sorry for complaining, but I have no one else to talk to. Thank you for listening.

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Hi Purplepiper,

No problem, we are here to listen and when heeded to "hug".

As we've said before you are not a bad person, none of us are. Its just the OCD at work telling us we \zre, when we are mot.

What I see of you from your posts is a very caring person, keen to "hug" others when they are down, very loving and emotive - and of course, not at all a bad person..

I reckon that I see the real you in this.

So be comforted . I always lose track of the time differential because it varies between six and seven ours behind us, but you have your evening ahead of you and so just chill out, do something you like doing - watch a TV show you're interested in or whatever.

And thanks for supporting me when I've had that tough time recently, I really appreciate that.

Best wishes,

Roy

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Hello Roy, thank you for your kind words. I understand what you're saying, I just can't "feel" it. I guess I'll just have to ignore that too. I've been watching a reality show titled "Raising Whitley". I like it a lot, it was nice to relax for a while (or pretend I was relaxed, anyway). I don't understand how you all seem to keep up with this for so long. What a short life I've had, a measly 14 years, and yet I'm ready to give up - just let life (and any trace of evil) slip away from me. I'm sorry I shouldn't be talking about this but I just need to say it to someone, someone who won't call me an attention seeker. I'm not angry at anyone, don't worry. I'm just afraid to be that, hence why I can't stop thinking about it. Of course, now I've been careful with everything I do and say, I don't want anyone to think that. I don't want to look like that or be that. How terrible to make it seem like that even. I must be the worst person alive, and yet I cry, proving that thought untrue (hopefully). I'm not happy and I should be, at least I'm not a starving child in Africa. All I can give is my gratitude, as I shed tears of terror and exhaustion. Sorry for complaining again :blushing:

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Hello Purplepiper,

Of course, we all have different types of issue with OCD, different challenges to face, different things work for different people, And other psychological issues may be present as well as OCD that need different solutions.

For yourself, I presume you will have looked for some domestic assistance from some organisation in the USA, have you find anyone there that can provide some specific targeted guidance and assistance?

Best regards

Roy

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Hello Roy, thank you again. Yes you're right. Also yes - I have an appointment in about a month, on April 3rd. I'll spare her name as this is public, but I'm happy to have this opportunity. I don't like causing my mom to spend so much money though. Everything I do feels wrong and worthy of compensation.

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Hello everyone (:sad:) I hope it's okay for me to bring this up again - I'm not feeling very well. Actually I'm not feeling anything really, except for remorse. Guilt pervades me each time I take a breath that I may or may not deserve. I can't stand the fact that I will never be 100% certain of my morality. I can't let myself stop counting, I feel so contaminated and evil (:weep:).

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Your a mere 14 and I'm 44 - yet with all my years behind me I find it so difficult to cope with this illness. God knows what it's like at 14. I just wish I'd have tackled it earlier. It creeps up on you all the time. Thankfully you are seeking help at a young age and you are well worth every penny it takes - or dollar in your case. Lots can be done now and then you can have a great life ahead.

Edited by inneedofhelp
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Hello inneedofhelp. Thank you for your reply, it is greatly appreciated. I want to play a game, but at the same time I don't feel that I'm "allowed" to. I keep thinking that I should just be doing rituals because I'm getting away with something (I don't know what though). I feel like such an awful person - I can't take it (:().

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Hello lovid, thank you for your reply. I eventually played the game, I felt it was okay as long as I didn't smile during it, which I didn't. The smiling thing is a long story though. That entire time I felt like I was being a bad person. I still do to be honest, despite the fact that I'm not even doing anything (:censored:). Really I feel guilty for what I'm not doing - I "should" be forcing myself to read blogs (I know, that's unnecessary too). Apparently counting and tapping isn't enough. I feel too guilty to rest (it's about 12:30am here).

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Hi Purple,

My therapist told me to watch out for "shoulds" and "oughts" because they create pressure, so best to rationalise and try and accept things.

We none of us choose to have these psychological problems , and we are certainly not to blame for them, and there is no need to feel guilt when treatment is needed and is paid for.

My wife nevet resented the money we spent on CBT treatment, snd that treatment changed my life and also, because I became so mucb better, her life too.

Best wishes

Roy

Edited by taurean
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Dude (yes I really said that) - I developed OCD when I was 14 and it was absolutely chronic from the start and I totally relate to everything you say.

I was never properly honest about it - so to see you are being honest is just so awesome.

Save yourself the years I had to suffer this; you are so lucky that treatment is out there - as long as you are totally honest about ALL the thoughts and rituals, no matter how hideous and embarrassing - or FRIGHTENING, you will be OK.

I have the most horrendous and frightening thoughts. I finally shared them with my psychiatrist this week and he didn't even blink.

i still have the thoughts but am slowly able to take the power out of them. I still have the feelings but I am slowly doing the same.

A thought is just a thought and I don't have to believe it.

Hang in there and keep getting better. Take the help thats out there and BE HONEST.

You sound like a wonderful person to me.

Matt

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Hello there, thank you for your kind words. You're right, they do create pressure, and it doesn't particularly help anything. I just keep thinking that I'm different. What if I'm just an awful person? What if I deserve to be doomed to a life of onerous rituals? I'd be letting myself off the hook if I were to stop. I'd be (*shudder*) immoral. Also, I'm worried that she'll pay for treatment and it will be futile. She'll have wasted her money and it will be all my fault. Worse yet, what happens if I am, in fact, fundamentally evil? What if I'm just using OCD as an excuse for latent badness? I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that were true (:().

Edited by Purplepiper7
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It's the thing you're most frightened of which is why you get the OCD about it but if you can live with the feelings the OCD part should go down.How've you been feeling today PP?

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Yeah you're right lovid, thank you for your support. Well I had a hard time getting out of bed due to counting and tapping. Somehow I forced myself to actually stop and get up, even though it took well over two hours. Once I got up, the urge to do rituals was strong, so I got onto my phone for a little bit. Eventually I caved in and washed, but only for about twenty minutes, so not so bad. I went downstairs and ate frosted flakes, and tried not counting while I was chewing. Truth be told, I don't remember if I was successful or not (:blushing:). I came back to my room and now am on my phone again, trying not to do rituals (well besides counting). How have you been today?

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Hi Purple,

The problem with rituals is they become such a part of life that they take over, defeating the objective for which they were commenced - (to ease anxiety).

Your compatriot Jeffrey Schwartz, now a hero of mine with his book "Brainlock", suggests in the book doing exactly what you have been doing, extending the time gap between the compulsion to carry out the ritual, and giving in and carrying it out.

He says by extending it, getting used to that level of anxiety, then extending it further, this exposure and response prevention (ERP) will help retrain the brain so the urge to carry out rituals diminishes.

In standard CBT I believe the therapist seeks out from the patient the reasons for them carrying out the compulsion - fear that something bad will happen if not or whatever - then will supply a rational response to disprove that coupled with ERP.

So you are on the right road, but I know it's hard. I had to wean myself off checking and counting rituals, but using that type of method that Jeffrey advises and you are trying, i managed it. I deployed my favourite metaphorical allies - patience and persistence - to accompany me on that journey.

I think many of us do have several types of OCD, or OCD in conjunction with some form of compulsive worrying, or another type of anxiety disorder (I used to be the world's worst worrier, I could worry about anything, but I weaned myself off it using a self-help book). This is why I am so keen to suggest that when forum colleagues go to therapy, they do reveal everything to the therapist - who are trained to seek out that information so as to devise therapy accordingly, and not to pass judgement on people.

Keep things going on the exposure, and keep up the clarinet playing; my sister has worse OCD than me, but she finds teaching children to play clarinet and piano is a great OCD distraction, and benefits her and the children enormously too.

Best wishes,

Roy

Edited by taurean
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