Upset over stress

[Cub]

Hi guys

Writing in this morning feeling a little sad as I've been feeling stressed over the past few days and just don't know how to handle it and it's making me feel bad. I don't feel like a very nice person right now and am struggling with everything going on in my head.

I love my job but there are moments when I am completely on my own and of course I can't make visitors talk to me every single second because they don't always want to talk. Sometimes all I can be is on duty, ready to help and in that time I'm left alone with my thoughts. I was feeling rather horrible yesterday as I kept having unkind thoughts about a new staff-member and feeling bad about it, not feeling I was being kind enough, feeling bad on the inside and trying not to pray for forgiveness, but getting more and more stressed over something in my head. My stress became more evident as I was told to do something and then two other people told me not to do it. After all that, I became convinced that I had locked a coat away in an outside area in the rain and started freaking out because I didn't know whose it was and for all I knew there could be something in the pockets like keys, wallet, phone etc. My friends were trying to calm me down but when I asked the person whose coat it was I was just impatient and angry and upset; then when I went back to get the coat it wasn't there. But I feel like I acted in a horrible fashion; I apologised to the guy and he assured me it didn't matter but I believe I was essentially acting up and now I feel horrible. I was offered several lifts home in the rain but I didn't feel I deserved them and waited in the rain for the bus with tears running down my cheeks because I felt like a failure. I didn't even want food when I came in; I just went straight to bed (although I did stop at my favourite café for a berry mix smoothie to try and cheer myself up). 

I'm much better now after a good night's sleep but I just feel bad for being so stressed. I have no handle on stress and feel things inside my head are too noisy and it makes me impatient. I feel like I'm a horrible, impatient person; I don't slow down enough to listen and I wonder if I even care about other people. Everyone says they like me at work but I wonder why because as far as I can see, I'm quite selfish and I feel I take and don't give enough, although I do try to consider other people's feelings and I'm commended for being a good team-player. I'm just worried they can't see the true me; the one that's impatient, self-centred, etc. I don't feel I care enough about what's going on in other people's lives, though I'm really trying to improve. There's this constant pressure in my head to be perfect all the time; when I do something like what I did last night, I can hear my brother's voice in my head rebuking me for not maintaining good relations. 

I know the key thing is to take time out and breathe but sometimes it can be hard to find a quiet place and my head can really hurt. I guess I need to work on taking it easy. 

C x

[hedvig]

Hi Cub,

just wanted to let you know that I’ve read your post and I can relate to a lot of what you are describing. Having those feelings that others maybe don’t see the ”real” me and that I’m not being good enough. I think learning about self-compassion and trying to put that into practice every day has been very useful for me. If I get a thought that I don’t deserve to do something, like you with the ride home, I try to really do it anyways. Good that you thought of treating yourself with a smoothie.  I also try to listen to what my body and mind are telling me, which I think you seem to also be doing when realising that the anxiety comes from stress in your life right now and then doing your best to relax. I know it’s difficult in stressful times. All we can do is to look after ourselves and treat ourselves the same way we would treat a very dear friend. Lots of love and a big hug from me to you! 

[Cub]

Hey there hedvig, thanks for the response. I appreciate your input. It was tough but I'm still working on this self-compassion thing, trying to take care of myself and understanding my feelings better. I'm proud I was kind enough to myself with the smoothie. I put myself through a lot of emotional turmoil and pressure; my friends are trying to train out of me my consistent use of the word 'sorry!'  Oddly enough this week I've been missing my Mum a fair deal so I'm dealing with that.

I'm trying to remind myself that we are not our thoughts and not being so hard on myself when I have them. I'm trying to be my own friend; maybe it's long overdue. 

Thankyou again.  

C x

[taurean]

I have done well on the self-love and self-compassion too. 

We do ourselves down too much. And OCD loves to jump on that bandwagon. 

We are what we are. We can change things for the better if there is genuinely a real need, but otherwise we should be ourselves. 

Writers composers and the like are always advised not to try to be the next J.K.Rowling or Andrew Lloyd Webber, but rather to be the first (their own name). 

For anyone looking for a good book on how to handle stress, I have on the e-reader on this phone "Personalised Stress Relief for mind body and spirit"  by Linda L Boling, and,for me, it has excellent techniques.