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Gerard

Hello Everyone - Suffering Again

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Hello to you all my fellow OCD sufferers,

I hope this finds all of you doing well and, at least, not in too much pain.

I am back again after a long period of not posting. I have been trying to deal with my OCD using the tools you've all passed my way and, largely succeeding. The main tool I use is just refusing to ruminate, which is my major compulsion. I didn't even realise that rumination was a compulsion until you all taught me that, and I am so, so grateful that you did.

For the last 7 years my OCD has centred on obsessions about my wife, giving me intrusive thoughts like "Do I still love her?". It makes me imagine starting conversations with her like "Darling, I want to talk about us", breaking up with her and devastating her. Self-reassurance and reassurance-seeking from others are also compulsions of mine so I try my very, very best not to indulge them. Therefore, all I'll say is that these intrusive thoughts are horrible and I hate them.

I think, though, that even though I find posting on this forum for help and support so helpful and therapeutic, I frequently do not do so when I need to, because I find writing the posts so frightening. From reading others' posts I think this is a fairly common thing.

But I've been suffering greatly for the last week or so and I've had enough of it, so I am reaching out now. The thoughts are just attacking and attacking me. I feel like a bleeding seal which has been ambushed by a Great White Shark. That shark keeps circling and circling and it will not go away. I must reach out to all of you to pull me out of the water.

Even though I know the thoughts are not based in reality (and, of course, as I write that, the "What of the thoughts ARE based in reality?" intrusive thoughts start attacking), I do feel that when I try and cope on my own, just endlessly fending off this vile film in my head, the wounds the thoughts inflict are very real. The pain is terrible and I can get to place where I feel so weak and desperate that I can't find my way back to the sunlight.

Thinking about it, the crux of the issue is the preciousness to me of my marriage and how vulnerable my wife is to me. She is such a lovely person, we have each other's hearts in our hands and I therefore have these terrible thoughts about hurting her awfully. The thoughts are always particularly severe when were stop work for the summer, I have less work issues to occupy my mind and we spend more time together. Moreover, because I do have these thoughts when my wife is around, I get to point where I turn the sight of her in to a trigger.

It's hellish.

Like I said, these posts are terrifying to write, but I must be honest about the nature of my OCD if I am to have any hope of getting back to the sunlight.

Blah blah blah. I could go on and on, round in circles but it's pointless.

I want to live in the solution, not the problem so please, if you would, throw your wisdom and support my way.

Love and light to you all,

Gerard x

 

 

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Hsve gone back to basics with the 4 Steps and already am feeling a little better. I must be more proactive, take the fight TO the OCD rather than just be passive or reactive.

Love to you all,

Gx

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Hi Gerard,

sorry to hear your struggling so much - I know OCD often attacks our core values and the things that mean the most to us. I have had worries over my own marriage in the form of a crush on another woman that drove me to feeling very very depressed and tearful over the thought of ending my marriage.

The only way I broke free of the endless questioning of this crush was to stop trying to analyse what it means for my marriage, do I no longer want to be with my wife? etc etc. Eventually it subsided and while I still have a bit of a soft spot for her - I realised I was experiencing a 'normal' event with the crush but my OCD magnified it and blew it out of all proportion.  Ruminating is my biggest compulsion and one I have to guard against massively.

I have several OCD themes but this was a particularly tough one for me. 

glad your feeling a bit more positive and engaging with the four steps again. It sounds like you have the knowledge of OCD to tackle this. 

All the best

Avo

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Relationship OCD is a tough one. 

Like I said in my topic, the OCD targets our true core values of love kindness care steadfastness and cruelly alleges the opposite, causing extreme disorder. 

Keep this in your thinking. Remember this is what the illness is doing, but your true core values remain intact. 

When feeling its pressure, and the thoughts are a real difficulty think of it as "just my silly obsession"  and don't connect with it or give it meaning. When they come, gently but firmly ease your mind away to other things. Keep practising this until this becomes normal, autonomous thinking. 

Intrusions gain power when we give meaning to, connect with them. 

They gradually lose power and frequency when we leave them be and refocus away. 

Remember too - don't fight them or think a neutralising thought - that just makes them worse. 

 

 

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Dear Avo and Taurean,

Thank you so, so much for taking time out to support me.

I feel so much better. You are both angels.

I hope I get the chance to help both of you in the way you have helped me at some point.

Love and light,

Gx

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