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Paul92

Need honest help quick

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Sorry, just having a huge panic. I feel like I could be the most vile person... 

I got in a new relationship this weekend. 

I adore this girl. Wouldn't care if every woman on earth disappeared. She's wonderful. 

I work with her best friend who is having relationship issues. In the past I think I had a bit of a phase where I quite liked her and thought that maybe we'd be good together. Obviously the thought has crossed my mind from time to time but not for quite a while. 

Then today she said that her boyfriend doesn't realise how lucky he is. And I stared to say 'I know' but I stopoed myself.

When I was saying it, I THINK I was saying it because we've said before her boyfriend has it pretty easy with her. He can do whatever he likes basically. 

But at the time I got a bit worried about whether I was saying it to plant that seed that I'd treat her better. Which is why I stopped myself. 

The thing is, I'd never consciously say anything like that with such an intention. But I'm worried that it was my intention at the time. Like as if I forgot I was in a relationship now!! 

But did I really forget? Or am I just making up excuses..

I feel horrible. I'm seeing my girlfriend tonight and I don't know how ill be. I feel truly truly awful. I swore to her I'd never do anything to hurt her. And I never would. I just don't know what happened. 

I'm not even 100% sure that I said it like trying to plant a seed in my friend's head. I KNOW I wouldn't do that. And I CAN remember at the time thinking about when we discussed how easy her boyfriend had it. 

 

I feel like I need to tell her or break up with her. But it'd kill her. I'd NEVER doing anything consciously that I'd consider unfaithful or anything, ever. So what happened??? 

If I put a kiss on a text to someone else or something I always make sure I'm doing it in a friendly way as to not be suggestive. 

Her best friend too.. And she got badly in her last relationship. She was scared about being hurt again. I swore to her I'd never hurt her. 

 

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Hi Paul, this is 100% OCD at play here. I don’t want I reassure you because that would be wrong. You have to see for yourself how blown out of proportion this is. You should see your girlfriend, have fun and forget this. Don’t let OCD interfere with your relationship.

Also, if you truly want to make sure you don’t hurt your girlfriend, you will work on this. 

I drive my boyfriend crazy sometimes with confessing things and seeking reassurance. So I’ve had to learn to try and see situations more logically to make sure I don’t drain him emotionally. You need to think about this too.

Imagine how she would feel if you came to break up with her because you said “I know” to another woman. That honestly wouldn’t make any sense whatsoever.

Edited by malina

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I love her to bits already Malina. I've finished work early and just got home. I'm laid on my sofa just crying my eyes out. But I feel like I've done something so terrible.

I swear on my life, and on the life of my family, I would never do anything consciously that I would consider unfaithful.

Did I have an intrusive thought as I was saying "I know"?

I had a thought the other day that her friend might be beginning to like me becuase ive always been there for her through her troubles and I know she is in a bad place... so I was replying really plainly so there would be absolutely no way that she might interpret me to be over friendly or anything. And I did that because I only have eyes for my girlfriend.

I feel pretty sure as though I said it with the intention of how I might have said it in the past! In fact I am 90% certain.

Did I just forget for a moment or make a mistake?

I feel so awful. I never want to hurt my girlfriend. I only want her, nobody else.

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@malina It's not that I said "I know", it was what my intentions behind saying it were..

1. Did I say it thinking yes he does has it easy, because you let him do what he wants, and I was just agreeing with you

2. Or did I say it because I was picking up lately that you might like me in a way and see me as a way out of your troubles, and I was planting a seed that yes you are a nice girl and I would treat you better.

All I know is, it makes me feel sick to think it might be the second one.

I adore my girlfriend so much, I can't bear this

Edited by Paul92

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4 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

@malina It's not that I said "I know", it was what my intentions behind saying it were..

1. Did I say it thinking yes he does has it easy, because you let him do what he wants, and I was just agreeing with you

2. Or did I say it because I was picking up lately that you might like me in a way and see me as a way out of your troubles, and I was planting a seed that yes you are a nice girl and I would treat you better.

All I know is, it makes me feel sick to think it might be the second one.

I adore my girlfriend so much, I can't bear this

Paul, you have to stop this. You know you have OCD and what it can do to you. Analysing this situation won’t get you anywhere.

You already know your intentions here, you have just written it out. You love your girlfriend and would never be unfaithful to her. This is all you need to believe, nothing else matters. It’s all intrusive thoughts and OCD making you question yourself. 

 

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@malina But what if it actually was number 2? Let's just say it was.

How terrible is this? It's her best friend. I swore to her several times that I would never be unfaithful and I never would. So why would I do that?

Maybe I just feel bad because I do know what I did and it is rotten.

God, I love her so much too. It'd break her damn heart to think I did anything like that. She said she was scared of being hurt and she finds it hard to trust. I said I'd prove to her that I was different.

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2 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

@malina But what if it actually was number 2? Let's just say it was.

How terrible is this? It's her best friend. I swore to her several times that I would never be unfaithful and I never would. So why would I do that?

Maybe I just feel bad because I do know what I did and it is rotten.

God, I love her so much too. It'd break her damn heart to think I did anything like that. She said she was scared of being hurt and she finds it hard to trust. I said I'd prove to her that I was different.

You are asking for reassurance right now and this is a major compulsion. You really have to try to see for yourself how your fear here makes no sense.

I personally think that starting a new relationship can be a lot of pressure, you really want it to work. On top of that, you have her situation where she has been hurt in the past and that adds extra pressure onto you. So this sends your OCD into overdrive and you start to question yourself and your intentions.

Try to calm down and see this rationally for a second. Can you try to see how this situation simply doesn’t make any sense?

Can you see that you are perhaps blowing it out of proportion and making it worse by analysing it?

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Paul, drop it. This is truly an insignificant thing. OCD has latched onto it and is trying to make a huge issue out of nothing. You make it so much worse by analyzing and ruminating.

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@malina

Do you really believe it is blown out of proportion?

I never want to keep anything from her. I want her to be happy and I swore to her Id do everything in my power to make her happy. Ill never do anything to hurt her. Clearly, or else I wouldnt feel like this!

SO what explains what I thought at the time?

It's her best friend!

She said "He doesnt know how lucky he is" , then I said "I know" - I can remember thinking back to the time when we was on about how lucky he was because he gets away with everything.

But I had a niggling thought I am sure I did.

I feel so terrible.

I was looking forward to taking her out tonight and now I feel like such a piece of ****. I know it's early days but she has brought a tiny ray of sunshine to my life and I feel like I've betrayed her.

@PolarBear It does matter though. If I said to her best friend "I know your boyfriend is lucky, I say this because I want to you to know I have had thoughts that maybe we would be good together because we get on so well" then how awful would that be?

How can I look my girlfriend in the eye and say I am honest and got nothing to hide.

This is killing me.

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I can’t even describe how  blown out of proportion this is. You’re not making a mountain out of a mole hill, as they would say. You are making Mount Everest out of a speck of dust. 

Honestly, OCD has completely twisted your judgement of this situation. It’s making you think you had bad intentions. You are engaging with it, which is making it worse.

 

 

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It's killing you because you are ryminating over it, dwelling on it. Whatever the reason behind saying what you were thinking, it is truly insignificant.

You don't get that this is OCD. It's all OCD

 You are reacting badly to something that needs no reaction.

It's up to you to take our advice but if you don't your situation will only get worse.

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@malina @PolarBear

I just want to be fair to my girlfriend. I don't want her to be in another fraudulent relationship. I love her to bits. I swore to her I'd never harm her and I want to stand by that.

I just can't say exactly what my thoughts were at the time. If they were as I fear I'm not sure whether it's okay to just forget about it.

Like I say, we are going out later.. how can I hold her hand if I might have done what I thought? Am I disgusting to just forget about it?

Have I been unfaithful? Bless her, she was so scared to enter a relationship too because of this sort of thing

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Paul, this won't turn out well for you. Your feelings of guilt will intensify because you are not thinking clearly, you sre doing compulsions and you are reacting very badly to a non-issue.

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Paul, if you want to be fair to your girlfriend, let go of this. Honestly, your fears about your intentions for saying two words to another woman will not matter to her. If you continue to ruminate over this nonsense and damage your relationship because of it, she will be hurt.

Go see her, hold her hand and keep repeating to yourself that it is OCD making you feel this way, not reality. Keep telling yourself that you love her to bits and that you won’t let OCD ruin this for you.

I have been exactly where you are so many times on my life. I completely understand how you feel. I only regret all the pain it caused me and how much time I wasted on absolutely nothing. You don’t need to do this to yourself.

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I just can hear what she would say if I told her what I'd feared I'd done. She would be heartbroken.

Did I just forget for a split second that I was in a relationship?

@malina Course I love her to bits. Why else would I be feeling like this? There's nothing I wouldn't do for her.

I just wish I could believe that it is nothing. Because if my thoughts were as I believed, then I see that as being unfaithful and I don't know if I can live with myself.

At the moment I can't see how this is a mountain out of a mole hill.

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2 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

At the moment I can't see how this is a mountain out of a mole hill.

I get that, it takes time. So that’s why you should just try your best to calm down and not act on this for a while. Let it sink in and try to see this rationally when you’re calmer and more distant from the event. For now just try to enjoy your evening with your girlfriend.

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@malina I'll try.

If I did what I feared, have I been unfaithful?

Just can't bear the thought of actually thinking what I think I thought (that sentence is a bit of a word salad, I just realised).

could it have been an intrusive thought? i dont know...

Meant to be picking her up in an hour and I can't bring myself to even move. Just feel like such a scumbag.

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3 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

@malina I'll try.

If I did what I feared, have I been unfaithful?

No. 

 But please stop asking for reassurance now because it’s really not good for anyone.

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Just can't seem to see how I might have done something really awful. 

I get moments when I'm sure I didn't mean anything suggestive then others I am sure I did. 

Either way, I just love my girlfriend. I'd never do anything to hurt her, not intentionally. So if I did, I can't explain it apart from that I had a moment when I just forgot I was in a relationship or something. I'd never consciously do it. I only put kisses on text messages when I confident I know what the intentions are. I reply very plainly to other girls. I always question what I was thinking if I make eye contact with a girl. I just hate deceit and don't want to deceive or hurt her. 

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So we went out and I felt terrible all night. I didn't say anything to her though. I feel like I've been so unfaithful and if she knew she'd be heartbroken. 

I still can't remember what my intentions behind what I said were. I remember immediately panicking after I'd said it though. 

Why do I do this? I find the most perfect girl and then I do something so stupid. After everything she's been through and everything I said to her 

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10 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Reread our responses to you. What you need is there.

Just think maybe if you knew the circumstances of what she'd been through and such, you'd think I was a piece of **** if I've done what I'm scared I did. 

Maybe I just need to accept that was my thought. I don't know why it was. I don't understand what I was thinking but I feel truly awful. I'd give everything for her, I swore I'd never hurt her

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Her circumstances don't matter to me. Your possible reasons for your thought are so very minor it's mind boggling. Give yourself a break and drop this before it eats you up anymore.

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2 hours ago, Paul92 said:

Just think maybe if you knew the circumstances of what she'd been through and such, you'd think I was a piece of **** if I've done what I'm scared I did. 

Maybe I just need to accept that was my thought. I don't know why it was. I don't understand what I was thinking but I feel truly awful. I'd give everything for her, I swore I'd never hurt her

Hey Paul, 

you did the right thing not telling her. I don't think we need to know her circumstances, she's been in a bad relationship, I'm sure that is devestating. However, you haven't done anything wrong. Think about what you have actually done - you spoke to another woman. That is all you did. Then you panicked and started questioning your intentions. You do sound like a good guy and I really hope things go well for you guys! Hang in there and keep reminding yourself that this is only OCD!

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