I don't think I can do this

[Pranjali]

I don't even know what makes me come back to this forum to vent out my anxieties. It is a compulsion I guess, but may be somewhere I am looking for someone who can understand me. 

I am traveling on an official visit. I booked a hotel for 4-5 days. After having checked in, I was browsing for other hostel options online, a bit more reasonable and may be somewhat lively. I liked a place and thought would go check it out and then decide if I do want to move out of the booked hotel. I went to the hostel, one person showed me the kitchen area, washrooms, dormitories. When I left from there, I felt like I did something with him. I know I had sex with him. There were CCTVs but may be only in some areas. 

I am married. I told this to my husband and he says it is all in my head. For me it is a real life event. I feel like I want to go back to the hostel and request for the CCTV footage. Do hostels provide with CCTV footage on request?

Thanks.

[Sputnik]

2 hours ago, Pranjali said:

I feel like I want to go back to the hostel and request for the CCTV footage.

Doing this would be giving in to a compulsion, which would only strengthen the OCD, and give you only short-term relief before you started worrying again.

[Pranjali]

Thank you @Sputnik for your response. I am not sure how to go about it. I keep thinking of the multiple options which I could go for and then get stuck as to how to practice them.

One is going and checking the CCTV footage. But on what grounds can they give me this, I don't know if I can have a good enough reason. Second is probably running away but running away where. Thoughts would not leave me. I feel I am just a wrong person who wronged and hurt her husband yet again.

I don't know if people on this forum remember my previous posts about 6 months about me having similar narration about a drunken night and I felt I slept with someone and I could not get over the guilt. This time I have similar feelings thoughts about sleeping with that person who showed me the hostel. Perhaps @dksea @St Mike @gingerbreadgirl or others might remember, don't know.

The need to punish is back and the feeling that my husband does not deserve me is gushing in. I wronged him and I don't deserve to be with him. If I leave him, I have nothing left. I wronged the person I care about so much.

I don't think I can do this anymore.

Edited April 24, 2019 by Pranjali

[Sputnik]

All this is rumination about an imagined event, manufactured by OCD. You don't have to play its game, and if you do you will only make things worse. 

OCD can make things seem incredibly real, that's how it traps you in its snare. Don't give in to it. You haven't done anything wrong. Just carry on as normal, do some activity to occupy your mind and help distract you.

[paradoxer]

Want to be kind and do the loving thing by your husband? Then be prepared to 'be unfaithful' (notes quotation marks), and absorb the guilt. After 'confessing', a compulsion, your beleaguered husband (by the idiocies of OCD) dismissed it. Every time you yield to the 'veracity' of the disorder you do your husband a disservice. OCD is rubbish, toss it in the bin. 

Edited April 25, 2019 by paradoxer

[St Mike]

Firstly, Pranjali, do you realise how illogical OCD is?

How it has skewed your thinking in relation to your understanding of infidelity?

Where in the world, would someone who wants and has cheated on their partner, proceed thereafter to search and present evidence of their infidelity to their partner?

The French termed OCD as the "doubting" disease and for good reason. You are in constant doubt in relation to theme of OCD you are suffering from. 

The first thing you have to do is to recognise you have OCD and you obsess over infidelity. In this case, it is a trip to a hostel that triggered you. Your OCD has played on your obsession by introducing doubts. For example,

On 23/04/2019 at 20:34, Pranjali said:

I went to the hostel, one person showed me the kitchen area, washrooms, dormitories. When I left from there, I felt like I did something with him

You have to note there is a HUGE difference between you felt like you did something and something you actually did. Being physically involved, i.e. performing an action with your physical body is real, something done in reality while thinking or feeling you might have done are thoughts and emotions in your mind.

This is the reason I kept stressing to you on understanding how your OCD works, what are your triggers, how you respond, what are your compulsions etc. in my replies to your previous posts. Once you wise up to the tricks OCD does to your mind, you would be prepared and prevent yourself from falling into the intrusive thought - compulsion cycle.

Confessing to your husband and requesting CCTV tapes from the hostel are all compulsions. Performing them will keep you sick and hurt your husband. The same goes for wanting to punish yourself. This too is a compulsion. Performing these compulsions are extremely selfish and irresponsible on your part because these are all actions your OCD afflicated mind wants you to do to ease baseless guilt and distress. It hurts both you and your loved ones. Neither party deserves such treatment.

For now, the best thing is to DO NOTHING in relation to your obsession about cheating. Don't confess anymore, don't call the hostel, don't punish yourself. DO INSTEAD, seek treatment for your OCD. Continue to educate yourself about OCD. Ask yourself whether you can respond differently each time the same old intrusive thoughts strike.  I.e. instead of running to confess to your husband, you will this time, keep watching the telly, or carry on reading your book or doing whatever task you are performing at hand. Keep yourself rooted, don't allow your mind to drift, ruminating on whether you have cheated or not.

It is all MENTAL CHAFF, not worth destroying your mental health and life over it.

 

Edited April 25, 2019 by St Mike