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don't know

Took a break

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On 23/11/2019 at 14:21, don't know said:

It's just been a terrible week. I'm just tired and always thinking whats the point in anything. I've ended up not doing well in classes. Not because I don't try because I'm not good at it and I'm always the dumbest person there. No one cares. I don't even care anymore, I haven't for a long time. It just feels as though everyone is doing great and I am just there. That's a stupid issue thats been on my mind. 

I think it's really difficult to focus on your studies and learn and do well when you're struggling so much emotionally. You only have so much mental energy and something will inevitably slip. You spend so much of your time on this problem, you go through physical distress (you report feeling like you want to throw up, you're shaking etc), it's only natural that you would struggle to do well with uni work when you're going through so much. This is all the more reason to seek help so that you can get some kind of support at uni to keep up with your work while you deal with these problems. 

On 23/11/2019 at 14:21, don't know said:

I've had issues surrounding the same stuff. Tuesday, I was getting aroused by these things, it felt like I enjoyed them and didn't care. Like this was what I wanted and it is who I truly am. I get this weird feeling when people say 'be who you are' because it feels like this is the real me. Friday was really difficult too. In class, the subject of Freud came up and I think a lot of people on here know about him. I kept thinking this probably the unconscious part of me and that everything I feared is coming true.  

I'm not sure what kind of course you are taking but from my understanding, Freud isn't very respected anymore in medicine, psychiatry or psychology today. Mainly because his work wasn't evidence based, he just came up with a bunch of random theories and claimed they were true without having any real evidence for them. That is why any medical theories today, including ones related to mental conditions, have to be evidence based - a lot of research has to be done to gather evidence that a particular theory is true or that a particular intervention actually works. So I'd be a bit weary of throwing all your belief into Freud's theories over what modern medicine tells us.

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I'm sorry for not replying to your messages Dksea. 

You're completely right, I was exaggerating about that point. Of course I don't know how every single person feels. But, I have only related to people who actually did turn out to be these things. I don't see how I can trust all of this (feelings, arousals, dreams etc) to be OCD when thats what normal people experience but for me its to something that I don't want to deal with. Theres people that have attractions that they wish they didn't have and they never act on it. I can't see a difference between me and one of those people. I still go onto these other sites and I still relate to them more. Thats the question wouldn't you feel hopeless if you went onto an ocd forum and felt like you couldn't relate and then went somewhere else and you were like 'this is me.' I'm not happy about it but it seems like it. 

It seems like I'm only worried about the aftermath and how everything I felt I wanted in life is gone. I actually question why I wanted these things in the first place, it feels like I'm okay with it. Its probably because I was brainwashed by society to want a conventional life. That sounds stupid but whatever.  

With the comments on Freud, yeah I used to think it was all really strange what he says but if I relate to it. It doesn't matter. 

Edited by don't know

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I don't understand why you feel your life is gone, you can still do whatever you want, you don't want to act on these thoughts, and you haven't. So just carry on with your life, I mean what's it stoping you doing?

 

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11 hours ago, don't know said:

Thats the question wouldn't you feel hopeless if you went onto an ocd forum and felt like you couldn't relate and then went somewhere else and you were like 'this is me.' I'm not happy about it but it seems like it. 

Yes, I can absolutely understand how you would feel upset and frustrated in that situation.  I appreciate that this is not easy for you, I really do. 
However, at the same time its important to realize that whether or not you "relate" to something isn't proof.  
How can you be certain that the people you relate to, the people who are also having problems with these type of feelings don't themselves have OCD?
You are focused specifically on the topic of your anxiety, you have tunnel vision to that idea, so yes its not at all surprising you find yourself more relating to people who share that same anxiety.  If relatively few of us at a given time are talking about similar anxieties on this forum it is not at all surprising you might not find that as relatable. 
 

11 hours ago, don't know said:

But, I have only related to people who actually did turn out to be these things. I don't see how I can trust all of this (feelings, arousals, dreams etc) to be OCD when thats what normal people experience but for me its to something that I don't want to deal with.

What things are those?  People who have sexual thoughts about relatives?  "Those things" probably covers nearly all of humanity.  "Normal people" experience those thoughts too, just like normal people experience thoughts about hurting others, or getting sick and dying, or losing control of their car and accidentally killing someone, or any other number of terrible thoughts.  The difference between OCD sufferers and "normal people" isn't what thoughts they have, its how they react to some of those thoughts.

Further, your obsessive focus on this topic is contributing to the frequency and intensity of these type of thoughts.  A large part of the reason you have them so often and I don't isn't that you are somehow predisposed towards incest, its because on the occasions when that kind of thought pops in to my head I don't really care.  I don't make a big deal out of it.  My brain isn't trained to care about it. You, on the other hand, in part due to what I believe is OCD, overreact to it and thus your brain learns to care A LOT about those kind of thoughts.

Keep in mind, there is NO clinically/medically recognized category of "incestuous people".    There is, however, the very recognized, very evidence based OCD, which perfectly describes people like yourself who have persistent unwanted thoughts/feelings/physical sensations/etc. about a given topic or topics.
 

12 hours ago, don't know said:

It seems like I'm only worried about the aftermath and how everything I felt I wanted in life is gone. I actually question why I wanted these things in the first place, it feels like I'm okay with it. Its probably because I was brainwashed by society to want a conventional life. That sounds stupid but whatever.  

Very often life does not go exactly how we planned it.  That doesn't mean you can't have a happy, fulfilling, worthwhile life.  And if the life you want is unconventional, ok, fine, plenty of people live happy unconventional lives.  My own life is somewhat unconventional.  I left a high paying IT job and moved to another country to accept a much lower paying teaching job for two years at the relatively late age of 35.  Most of the people involved in the same program I participated in were recent university graduates, 10 years my junior.  I was the outlier, I was the anomaly.  But I did it and it was two of the best years of my life. You don't have to choose between happiness and a conventional life.  And living an unconventional life that you WANT doesn't mean accepting some false choice about your "true nature" that you don't like.  These are two separate issues.  You can still absolutely have a life you want.   You can still absolutely find ways to be happy.  None of that is gone.  

But you are struggling, you are hurting, and IMO you REALLY could use some professional help, just like so many of us have gotten and benefited from.  You may not see how your life can be different than what it is now, but that doesn't mean it can't.  Quite often the sufferer is the least equipped to see the way out of the mess they are in.  You have to make the choice of whether you want to keep going as you are or start accepting that maybe, just maybe, we know better than you do on this topic and can see more clearly because we are not in the midst of the storm like you are.  You are the ones with your hands on the wheel, but you are also blindfolded so its probably not a good idea to go by your own direction.  You'd be far safer listening to those of us who have been able to remove the blindfold and see more clearly.  We are trying to show you the way out, the way you can remove your own blindfold.  
 

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It feels like proof. I'm just ****** off to be honest, just at life in general. I'm going through the anger stage of the acceptance or whatever its called. I feel like the exception and all of this stuff that I'm describing happened as a kid so I shouldn't be surprised, so I technically did know all my life. I must have really repressed it. I wouldn't want to get treatment because I didn't respond well the first time and the confusion over diagnosis. Also I've seen that therapy doesn't help some people and that they still get the thoughts and the anxiety and to be honest that isn't how I would want to live. It came true for me and if I wasn't a coward I would kill myself. Especially as you never become certain over whether these things are true or not, you know uncertainty. I'm also doing all these things that they tell you to do in exposures anyway. So what's the point? 

It doesn't matter about my future because I just don't know about anything. Well I do but I'm just sad about the outcome I guess. 

I also read something about the difference between reassurance seeking and just looking up information. The reassurance seeker looks for the desired answer whereas the person just looking for information looks for the truth. That's what I'm doing is trying to find the truth. In a perfect world I wouldn't have these things and everyone would say that about their problems but I don't live there and I have all these things to deal with. I feel like I have no where to go with all of this and again I shouldn't post on here. Even when I go a couple of days without posting I say to myself 'see I don't have OCD because if I did, I would've been anxious not posting for a day.'  I'm just a lost cause. 

 

 

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Hi ocdishell, 

I understand what you mean completely. I'm a waste of space on this forum when there are people who deserve the help and genuinely suffer from OCD. You've pointed out that people have been kind enough to reply to me with long detailed and thoughtful responses. Also I apologise for making you and others angry through my posts.

You're also not the first person to suggest I leave the forum and you're not wrong with your suggestion. I'm wrong for staying. 

Again I do apologise for making you so angry with my posts. 

 

Edited by don't know

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12 hours ago, don't know said:

The reassurance seeker looks for the desired answer whereas the person just looking for information looks for the truth. That's what I'm doing is trying to find the truth.

If that were the case why you are so insistent on:

1. Ignoring the insight of people with outside perspectives on your situation

2. Frequently making statements that are 100% inaccurate and not listening when we try to correct you

3. Refusing to seek out professional support, i.e. the people who are the most likely to provide the most accurate assessment of your situation

4. Spending so much time on a forum devoted to OCD when you continue to insist that you don’t have OCD. 

None of those are behaviors of a person who is seeking the truth  

 

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14 hours ago, don't know said:

 the confusion over diagnosis.

I thought that it has already been established that your first therapist who said you didn't have OCD was just very misinformed and didn't know what OCD was. I think that you need to try and put this one behind you and stop using it as a reason not to get further treatment. 

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21 hours ago, don't know said:

Hi ocdishell, 

I understand what you mean completely. I'm a waste of space on this forum when there are people who deserve the help and genuinely suffer from OCD. You've pointed out that people have been kind enough to reply to me with long detailed and thoughtful responses. Also I apologise for making you and others angry through my posts.

You're also not the first person to suggest I leave the forum and you're not wrong with your suggestion. I'm wrong for staying. 

Again I do apologise for making you so angry with my posts. 

 

Hey:) i am not angry about your posts:) i understand that you are DEEPLY troubled. I wrote that for one reason: you cannot stay here, because this forum is making it worse for you at this point.

i am actually more angry about all of your responses, these people was right to try to help you in the beginning. They should KNOW that they are not making it better by responding now. THAT is what makes me angry. Not you. 

 

Edited by ocdishell

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I don't know I feel like people can say I know I'm not like this because of this and that. There's too much to suggest this is true for me. 

I just feel like they probably misdiagnosed me, looking back I don't think I belonged in that type of treatment (CBT)

I get what you mean. It doesn't matter if I stay on this forum or not because I feel like I'm just, I don't even know what. I'll tell myself it's true all the time, I feel like I'm not scared or sad about it anymore. It doesn't show up as intrusive thoughts or anything like that; it's real feelings which sucks but there's nothing I can do about it and it keeps showing itself to be true. So where's the hope? Because there is none, I feel like if I go and get help it'll be true. I look and feel different to other ocd sufferers just these posts alone confirm it. Like I'll get over it but it'll still be there the rest of my life. 

This thread should probably be locked. 

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On 08/12/2019 at 07:46, don't know said:

I'll tell myself it's true all the time, I feel like I'm not scared or sad about it anymore.

If that the case then why do you keep coming back here?  Why do you keep needing to talk about it.  If you had accepted it, if it didn't bother you, then you would move on.
 

On 08/12/2019 at 07:46, don't know said:

It doesn't show up as intrusive thoughts or anything like that; it's real feelings which sucks

All feelings are real, you can't have fake feelings.  Either you have a feeling are you don't.  But just because you have a feeling doesn't mean its because of the reason you might think.  You can FEEL fear without being in danger.  You can FEEL happy while being in danger (especially if you don't know it.
And intrusive thoughts don't just mean "but what if...".  It includes images and feelings too.  If these things didn't feel "real" OCD wouldn't be a problem.  Yes, absolutely you feel like your fears are real, so do the rest of us.  Thats how OCD works.
 

On 08/12/2019 at 07:46, don't know said:

but there's nothing I can do about it and it keeps showing itself to be true.

You CAN do something about it, you are choosing not to.  There is a difference.  And you keep interpreting various things as showing it to be true, that doesn't mean you are correct.  Maybe you are, but I doubt it based on past statements and current ones.  You really need to consider the possibility that your interpretation of events is flawed, that the very problem you are dealing with prevents you from evaluating the situation objectively and fairly (true for most of us in fact).
 

On 08/12/2019 at 07:46, don't know said:

So where's the hope? Because there is none, I feel like if I go and get help it'll be true.

The hope is the millions of people with problems similar to or just like yours who have gotten help and recovered, gone on to lead fulfilling and meaningful lives.
Yes, if you go and get help its possible your worst fears will be confirmed, thats always possible, but it doesn't mean its likely.  Getting help won't change whether or not your fear is true, thats going to be the same regardless.  But it will offer you the possibility of improving, something avoiding help probably won't do.  If you think you might have broken your arm, going to the doctor won't change whether or not its broken, it will only improve your chances of getting better.  There's really no reason to avoid getting help in your case.

Meanwhile, why would you be bothered if it's true?  I thought you already said you have accepted that it IS true.  The reality is you haven't, and you do feel anxiety, and the line I quoted above is one of many examples of that.  If this wasn't an intrusive thought, if this didn't bother you, then you wouldn't care if its confirmed or not. But clearly it does bother you.
 

On 08/12/2019 at 07:46, don't know said:

I look and feel different to other ocd sufferers just these posts alone confirm it.

These is 100% not true.  It's the complete opposite of what you say.  Myself and numerous other experienced users on this forum have said that your posts, here and in previous threads are completely and totally indicative of OCD.  That they fully support or suspicions that your problem is OCD.  I will repeat again and what I have said before and remains true to this day.  Nothing you have ever posted has made me doubt that you have OCD.  Nothing.  None of your revelations, confessions, statements, etc. has made me pause for even a second in that belief.  And I am not the only one (I'm just the only one who hasn't given up yet, for who knows what reason, I'm stubborn that way I guess, lol).  Has anyone on this forum ever agreed with your assessment?  I haven't seen it.  You behave like someone with OCD.  Sorry, but you do.  
 

On 08/12/2019 at 07:46, don't know said:

This thread should probably be locked. 

Sorry but that would be the easy way out.  Thats avoidance.
Either you need to accept who you think you are and get on with your life (doubtful) OR you need to accept that your conclusions are based on flawed logic and you need help from a qualified mental help professional to sort things out.  You are not equipped to handle this on your own, few of us are.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting help, nothing wrong with seeking treatment, regardless of what your problem is.  You can change things, maybe not in exactly the way you'd want, but almost certainly for the better compared to where you are now.

Make a choice and take responsibility for it.  Don't rely on others to lock this thread.  You can choose.  You have that ability.  

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To be honest, I would've given up on me too. There's no point in listening to me at all. 

I think that things like these are quite complicated, and its not easy to just move on. I feel like if I'm feeling these feelings it probably is because its true though. I don't see how I can see this information in any other way. Like the past couple of days has been awful because time and time again it keeps showing up. 

Tonight has just been awful too, I was on youtube and an interview about someone with a particular disorder came up in my recommendations (I don't know why), so I watched it because why else would it come up? I watched it and they said some things that I felt related to me so I ended up looking up more about it and I actually think that I have this thing (I'm not going to say what because I don't want to upset/offend anyone) I've taken online tests (I know they aren't accurate/or can diagnose you, but they said I didn't have it) I keep reading and it seems like its true. But I said to myself that it's probably true. It'll sometimes come up and I'll think about and then it goes but it comes back. In one of the forums they talk about a lightbulb moment and I've felt that so many times with things, so it must mean thats true.

 

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1 hour ago, don't know said:

To be honest, I would've given up on me too. There's no point in listening to me at all. 

And yet you keep posting.  Why do you think that is?

 

1 hour ago, don't know said:

I think that things like these are quite complicated, and its not easy to just move on.

Complicated? Possibly.  But it might be less complicated than you think.  But being less complicated or even simple, doesn't mean its easy.  Running a marathon isn't complicated for example, you just have to run for whatever distance it is.  It doesn't get much more simple than that.  No fancy rules, no fancy equipment, just you and runninglll  Yet relatively few people do it?  Why?  Because while its simple, its also hard.

And I hope you understand that none of us are suggesting you simply just "move on".  We want you to recover, but that doesn't mean we expect you to just flip a switch and things to be ok.  In fact quite the opposite, I think the consensus opinion around here is that you should be seeking out professional mental health help, because this is going to be a hard process for you.

 

2 hours ago, don't know said:

I feel like if I'm feeling these feelings it probably is because its true though. I don't see how I can see this information in any other way.

We have explained to you how it can be another way.  Just because you don't see how something can be different doesn't mean it can't be.  As I've mentioned to you in the past, you really would do yourself a lot of good by accepting that you don't have all the answers here, that you are not well equipped to make these evaluations of what the problem is or is not.  It doesn't mean you are a bad person or anything, just that in this particular area you don't have the skill or expertise.

Its like you find a heavy weight on the ground and you try and fail to pick it up.  You're response would be "I don't see how its possible to pick this weight up, I couldn't do it, therefore no one can.  Meanwhile we are telling you "look, you need to accept what other people tell you here, we've seen people lift up that rock, we've seen people who were just like you do the work and become able to lift up the rock.  It doesn't mean it was or will be easy, but its possible.
 

2 hours ago, don't know said:

Tonight has just been awful too, I was on youtube and an interview about someone with a particular disorder came up in my recommendations (I don't know why), so I watched it because why else would it come up? I watched it and they said some things that I felt related to me so I ended up looking up more about it and I actually think that I have this thing (I'm not going to say what because I don't want to upset/offend anyone) I've taken online tests (I know they aren't accurate/or can diagnose you, but they said I didn't have it) I keep reading and it seems like its true. But I said to myself that it's probably true. It'll sometimes come up and I'll think about and then it goes but it comes back. In one of the forums they talk about a lightbulb moment and I've felt that so many times with things, so it must mean thats true.

Again, no it doesn't mean it MUST be true, that is not logically sound.  You are applying selective evidence, and emotional reasoning and treating them as logically or scientifically factual.  You have decided on the outcome and are picking and choosing evidence to support that, rather than objectively evaluating the evidence and THEN drawing a conclusion.  You keep doing this, you keep insisting that it can't be any other way.  Very simply it can, we've told you how.  No matter how many times you tell us it can't be any other way won't change that it, in fact can.

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Hi, I hope you all had a nice holiday.

I'm sorry to be posting but since I've posted I've still been getting all these feelings and dreams and it still seems real to me. 

I'm having an issue (what's new?) I'm scared to be honest and it's probably because I'm admitting the truth about myself. It's like I was on Facebook and I was added to a family group chat and they were posting merry Christmas and someone who hardly posts at all commented on it and it was like I got butterflies in my stomach and feelings of attraction. It was literally like I was in love with them. I'm terrified but it's because I admitted the truth to myself. In fact I told myself over and over again that it was true. You know some people don't want to admit the truth to themselves. Still don't see how this would be ocd (why am I still on here?) I was just in denial and I still am. I wish these feelings/attractions weren't true (autocorrected to were - feels like it means something) but they are. I was having a nice time before all of this happened but thats because I wasn't facing the truth and it hit me in the face and there's no where to run. 

It sucks and it sounds like I'm insane. To be honest all of these things are real and I tell myself over and over again that it is all real.  It's not like I'm avoiding this stuff or doing any compulsions - why I don't believe it is ocd. I feel scared but how do I get over it? I know I just have to get over it and move on from all of this. 

Also I got really anxious because I went onto another ocd forum and somebodies obsession became true. And they suffered with it for years. Oh my god I am so scared. How is this not me? I'm terrified. It's like another thing being added to this massive list of reasons why this is all true. It's literal evidence. Again, I'm sorry for posting. 

Edited by don't know

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