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CONFESSION QUESTION


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Good morning,

I know that confessing is a compulsion of OCD but when I try not to confess I feel sick to my stomach with guilt.

I had an episode last evening where I confessed something to my fiancée and I just couldn't stop crying and I felt so bleak like I don't want to be here anymore and even know I am struggling with myself.

I got aroused looking at a girl from work. 

I know it sounds perverted and grubby and I am ashamed of myself. I feel like a sex offender and that I have cheated on my fiancée and don't deserve her love.

I feel that I pushed myself to become aroused as well and I don't know if that makes it better or worse?

I just want to feel pure and not have these thoughts, I don't want to be here anymore.

I'm sorry for the whine but I have never felt this bad before or this intense. When I was crying I couldn't see a future and afterwards I just started thinking about taking drastic action.

I love my fiancée, at least I feel I do now but I don't trust my thoughts.

I keep thinking how much this must be hurting her and although she says that she is alright, I hate what I have become.

I feel as though this post is confessing but right now I really don't know.

I feel lost and ashamed.

Symps 

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Hi Symps,

It's awful that you feel so lost and ashamed, but please don't be so hard on yourself. You said that you got aroused looking at someone at work, and to me that is no big deal, but obviously for you OCD makes you feel like a bad person. You mentioned that you want to feel pure and this is likely where a lot of your problems are coming from. Having thoughts that aren't 'pure' doesn't mean anything, other than you're a regular human being, they also don't mean you've cheated on your fiancée or that you don't deserve her love.

Those of us with OCD put such high expectations on ourselves to be 100% sure or 100% good or 100% careful, but no one can be these things and striving for that is the problem. Please try your best to see that OCD is the bad guy here, you're allowed to move on from this, forgive yourself and enjoy the day,

Gemma :) 

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Hi Symps,

I sympathise as I have had and sometimes still do have similar incidents and guilty feelings.  I have confessed loads of times to my wife. The thing is everyone has these attractions even if we are with someone and love them. I wouldn't be surprised if your fiancée has had similar thoughts however if she doesn't have OCD she will not find it a big deal and have no compulsion to tell you.

Try and avoid confessing, its not necessary and unfair on your fiancée and yourself and confessing only provides short term relief it tends to cause more and more confessing down the line. 

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No, it doesn't sound perverted and grubby.

You have fallen into the trap of believing everyone else must think the same as you, thus validating your self loathing and guilt.

You won't find anyone here who agrees with that statement. What you did was incredibly minor and not worth worrying about.

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Thank you all for your response's and I know what you say is true. Even I know that when my mind is more stable.

The next day after posting this I phoned my doctor and told him that I was struggling to control my thoughts and was feeling suicidal and he has started me on some SSRI's so I am hoping that these will help me whilst I proceed with my therapy.

It really is scary how I can know that I am performing a compulsion but also that I am so desperate that I can't stop myself 😢

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