Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I'm so sorry to be so dramatic but I do feel defeated. 

I feel so sick about myself and can't understand why I have to deal with this. Today I've had really bad thoughts and feelings about animals and I just feel like sh!t. Everyone seems so normal around me and I'm just so disgusting. I feel like I truly enojy all of this in the sickest way possible. 

And I know what the answer for all of this is but I still like a sexual deviant. I still feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel dirty and gross and fake...

Also, I've realised how much damage I've caused to my relationship with my brother. I had the chance to be a great sister but I ruined it. He will probably always remember how much he's been ignored by someone who is supposed to offer him constant love. I can't hug or kiss him anymore without feeling and thinking something sexual. I thought I made some improvements but the other day when he gave me a kiss, I felt, once again, like I enjoyed in a sexual way. 

I'm so upset and mad. I wish I had a refresh button. 

 

Link to comment

Whilst sympathising with how you feel Cora, I'm not sure what it is you want :( More reassurance, more explanation, more sympathy??

Nobody said it was easy but as long as you keep on telling yourself how bad, awful, evil you are....that you're hopeless, defeated etc.....that's how you will feel.

20 minutes ago, Cora said:

And I know what the answer for all of this is

Good :)  So you have to keep working at the advice, knowing that it won't resolve in a couple of days.  You've had years of this, years of dealing with it in a way that makes it worse.....just like any other form of self-improvement, be it a diet, exercise regime, learning a language, whatever.....it takes time and application

 

Link to comment
28 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Nobody said it was easy but as long as you keep on telling yourself how bad, awful, evil you are....that you're hopeless, defeated etc.....that's how you will feel.

I know this sounds stupid and childish but I just don't know how not to feel bad, awful, evil and disgusting about myself. Every day something happens or I keep thinking about stuff that happened in the past and it seems like doing the opposite of putting myself down is not going to help. 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Cora said:

I just don't know how not to feel bad, awful, evil and disgusting about myself. Every day something happens or I keep thinking about stuff that happened in the past and it seems like doing the opposite of putting myself down is not going to help

On the contrary, putting yourself down for having the thoughts  is exactly what's keeping you stuck.

Acceptance is key.

Accept you have the thoughts and accept it means nothing at all when you have them.

Practise being kind and forgiving to yourself. It won't come naturally at first, but you have to start somewhere and build up your self-love over time.

Link to comment

I think the hardest part of OCD is accepting that it's the disorder; that the fears and worries are just that and not actual facts.

The responses you get are just autonomic and really mean nothing.

People with OCD will focus more carefully also on regions that worry them and will resultantly misread sensations from said regions. Someone with fears about being gay and has OCD might read that a slight twitch in his lap while seeing a naked guy must be proof that he's gay (it isn't, it could be for a multitude of reasons he felt that). By the same token, someone with contamination OCD might be so focused on his arms while walking past a door that he can't judge for himself anymore in his mind whether his arms touched the door or not as he walks past (even though he didn't). The point, remember that thoughts aren't proof. They are thoughts. You are obviously disturbed by these thoughts and they make you very upset. You obviously also love your brother very much and don't want any harm to come to him. It's all OCD!

Link to comment

Hey Cora,

I think you need to learn to stop blaming yourself for everything and holding yourself responsible for every little thing. Brothers and sisters are not there to offer constant love, that is what parents are for and even parents struggle sometimes. If you were dealing with a physical illness that caused you lots of pain and meant you had to stay in bed all day, would you blame yourself for not spending time with him? You have an illness, it may not manifest itself physically, but you are not well. As much as you love your brother, you are not the one who is accountable for his wellbeing. You have to give yourself a break and focus on getting better.

You are bound to have bad days where things feel like they are never going to get better. Everyone seems so normal and you feel disgusting, and so what? Does that make you less worthy than others, because you feel so awful and because you're suffering so much? Learn to accept things as they are, so you are someone who gets horrible thoughts and urges from time to time, that makes you no less of a person than anyone else.

Keep doing the work Cora, keep pushing forward in spite of obstacles and bad days. It will be hard for a long time and then one day you will start to feel a bit different. When you get better, I promise you won't even recognise this person writing your posts right now. You can get there, but you have to keep working on it.

Link to comment

Thank you so much for your help, @Caramoole, @snowbear, @BigDave and @malina

I've done a bit better today (well, it's yesterday now) but I'm still struggling, of course. 

17 hours ago, malina said:

Brothers and sisters are not there to offer constant love, that is what parents are for and even parents struggle sometimes

I know what you mean @malina, but because I've been taking care of my brother since he was born (sometimes I feel like I'm his second mum), I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure he is okay. It's hard for me to be a good, caring sister at the moment and that is upsetting. 

Link to comment
6 hours ago, Cora said:

I know what you mean @malina, but because I've been taking care of my brother since he was born (sometimes I feel like I'm his second mum), I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure he is okay. It's hard for me to be a good, caring sister at the moment and that is upsetting. 

I get that, especially because there is a big age difference between you two, I think maternal feelings are quite natural. However, I think you need to cut yourself some slack sometimes and remember that you are not actually his parent and you're not really responsible for him. Older siblings don't always spend as much time looking after their younger brothers and sisters as you do and this is a huge help to your parents. So rather than beating yourself up for struggling, how about giving yourself a pat on the back for helping your parents so much, even when it's so hard for you?

Link to comment
3 hours ago, malina said:

I get that, especially because there is a big age difference between you two, I think maternal feelings are quite natural. However, I think you need to cut yourself some slack sometimes and remember that you are not actually his parent and you're not really responsible for him. Older siblings don't always spend as much time looking after their younger brothers and sisters as you do and this is a huge help to your parents. So rather than beating yourself up for struggling, how about giving yourself a pat on the back for helping your parents so much, even when it's so hard for you?

Thank you for this, @malina. You are right. I will try and cut myself some slack. Thank you. 

Link to comment

-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE-----
Hash: SHA512

Did you read my other post in your "Do I want the thoughts?" thread? Here: https://www.ocdforums.org/index.php?/topic/89296-do-i-want-the-thoughts/page/3/&tab=comments#comment-939222.

You're not sleeping enough. I was told by a psychotherapist (the best one I had) that my OCD grew because of poor sleep, and would grow more if that happened again.

I confess that I have all these impish thoughts as well, but I won't accept you telling me that I'm disgusting. These thoughts are more typical and prevalent in humans than you suppose. It's just that most people are satified that they understand what is moral and what is taboo, and don't act on these ephemeral thoughts. Many of these kinky sexual thoughts do make me become aroused, but what makes me unabashed about that is that I know I shouldn't and don't need to act on thoughts of illegal acts. I know that I would be quite content with legal kinks and don't have any worry about moving on to illegal kinks, because I thought it through and satisfied myself that it would be unworkable as well as wrong. For example, I thought about what if I was being flirted with by a 12 year old girl who I found attractive. The idea of sex feels great, but I know the 12 year old wouldn't have thought through the matter, so I don't consider it fair. I also thought about what the conversation would be like, and decided it would be terrible. I'd just end up saying: "What are you, twelve? Oh wait, you are."


-----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE-----

iHUEARYKAB0WIQRccIQXi2jN8TepJAtca12sSb8X4wUCYIU2QAAKCRBca12sSb8X
453RAQCxyE/iOLPx1nym1kjYMgg5E/kVmnJOn9MBBkLHQpN7fgD+Mq/3+OLtGyss
PPwhQZ3uj8o/AoVyNCTtU9v49vo9+QU=
=nRvJ
-----END PGP SIGNATURE-----

Link to comment

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...