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why does the word P fill me with terror?


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Hello,

 

To anyone whos been following my past journey for nearly two years you will know what im talking about. Long story shot but to the point is nearly two years ago i had a very strong intrusive/feeling that I had accessed or seen something in relation to CP (hate saying the word) online. I cant tell you what it is or decribe what it is as I have no mental image etc just a feeling. 

For example just imagine you know you did something wrong and was waiting to be found out well this is the case with me. I have all the thoughts and feelings of wrong doing but nothing to back it up. Then I question myself well if your are feeling this way then surely you have done something wrong as you wouldnt be feeling all this emotions of fear and worry iof you had not done thins thing? 

Basically this started when I seen a girl from behind and like a male checked her bum out only then to realise when she turned around that she was young. I dont know who she and it was a breif moment. From there on that moment it felt like I had arrows pointing at me saying I was a P (hate saying that word too). 

Straight after this moment for the life of me i google the legal status of a well know porn site (PH). This is embarrassing but i need to explain so you understand. When i did this a Wikipedia page came up with a tab reference saying internet and CP. This word did it for me, I panicked, got scare and just felt like I did something so wrong. I even deleted my search history at the time as i didnt want that word anywhere on my phone. Im hoping these two things above explains why im feeling this way but theres a huge part of me saying there is something more and this is not it.

From there on the feeling of worry and fear got stronger to the point I didn't feel like who I was anymore. I felt like i did the most horrendous crime. Then that night i then had my first ever panic attack and from there on it felt like the wired in my brain has disconnected. 

Because i feel that there could be something else I'm not remembering I feel as if the police are coming for me and i don't know what for. I traced all my steps, tried to remember what i was doing at the time, tried making a time map of before and after the events to try and rule out that i have done nothing wrong. Ive searched my phone inside out, looking at all files, images video's, downloads etc I have to make sure there is nothing like that there and there isnt. To top it off because I deleted my search history when I seen that word I cant even go back to check my history to make sure I didn't look and see anything online in relation to that plus I was signed out of google at the time. It hurts me writing this as I feel I'm trying to find evidence that I have when I should just dismiss it straight there as if I did do something like that surely I would know what I did and what I seen. 

So nearly two years on medication and counselling I feel im getting better but today every time I see a news articles or story about local P's and read comments on how the community hates then and that they don't deserve to live, to drive them out of the community it terrifies me as to think could that be me. I totally understand where they are comming from but a part of me is thinking this could be you soon and everyone will hate you for what you did and you will loose everything including your job, house and child. It then destroys and then I got down the rabbit hole so I've been told. 

Im sorry to go on on and I hope this doesn't come across like I have done something as I haven't, I got no evidence of doing anything and most of all no memory/image - nothing! Just the feelings as if it was real. So one without the other. Bear in mind this isn't a false memory from years ago as this happened all straight after one another the same day. Not sure if false memories work like that as most I ready is about a memory from sometime ago that pops up. I'm just terrified the police turn up and say have done something and I don't know what it is. 

Its crazy as all i use is a mobile phone and google for everything so then I need to find out what filters are in place to stop CP on the internet by google and my phone provider to prove I couldn't have done something - its the wrong way of thinking I know but it helps me to prove that I haven't but it doesn't last for long. Ive been told that its all on the dark web - I haven't got a clue and dont know what that is and how to get on it. This reassures me for a bit but the the what ifs pop up.  I just can not accept I haven't done anything when I got these guilty feelings saying that I have. If I had done it would I have know about it now by the police? Again wrong way of thinking as it makes me sound guilty but its my only reassurance. Also I've debated to go to the police and ask them to check my phone all over but realise this probably isn't a good thing and they might think I'm crazy. I just don't know what to do. Its so annoying as I though I was getting better as time was going on but seeing that post today about a P just dragged me down. 

 

I just hope to God that I haven't done such thing and that all this has stemmed from the word CP and the girl that i checked out. Should I be writing all this in an OCD forum? I know I have OCD but never experience this type before. Just checking, and metal rituals etc. 

 

Thanks for listening

 

Thanks for listening.

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Firstly, I don't even know what the CP word is......my brain mustn't be engaged :(

You say you're having counselling....what do you mean by this? Is it CBT or is it counselling (talk type therapy)?  And why do you feel it's not helping effectively?  You're clearly doing a lot of compulsions which will maintain the OCD....have tou done any work on reducing this?

 

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Child porn. Pedophile. Child porn. Pedophile. Child porn. Pedophile. 

Easy peasy. And that from a guy who suffered from pedophile intrusive thoughts from ages 15 to 49.

Do you realize that your reluctance to type out those words is an avoidance compulsion and is only keeping you stuck? 

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But is this P intrusive thoughts as this has only every happened to me once. 

I hate saying the words. 

What I need to know is this normal with OCD? Is my situation ocd related? 

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You're asking for reassurance, which itself is a sign of OCD. This has been going on for years and, during that time, we've explained this is OCD.

So, again, your choice not to type out the word pedophile is a compulsion. By not doing that, you are confirming in your mind that the word is worthy of fear. It isn't. It's just a word. 

 

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In your experience though how many times have you seen for someones thoughts to be true and it wasnt OCD? 

I read people have thoughts of doing horrible things and that scares them but I havent read something thinking they have done a horrible thing.  Is this possible with OCD to make you actually think you have done something so taboo taking something that nothing to the nornal person and making more than what it is? Can it lead you down a rabbit hole to catastrophic thinking of what your future holds if it were to be true? Can you please just answer me that? I need yo know if this is a trait of OCD as i havent come across someone believing they have done sonething wrong when they actually havent. Why would I have all the feelings to go with a guilty action if I didnt do this thing? 

 

 

 

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You've been looking in the wrong place. The type of OCD you have is called False Memory OCD. Fairly common. We've had quite a few users here with it.

Typified by obsessions that are mistaken for memories. The obsessions are always about catastrophic events (if they were real), such as murdering someone, accessing child pornography, child sexual abuse or cheating on a partner.

Also typified by a complete lack of evidence of anything having happened and a relentless pursuit of evidence, which never materializes. 

Sound familiar?

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On 11/06/2021 at 10:01, Chris2020 said:

But is this P intrusive thoughts as this has only every happened to me once. 

I hate saying the words. 

What I need to know is this normal with OCD? Is my situation ocd related? 

Interesting to me that you set a boundary about words but PB ignored your boundaries & wrote them. Boundaries make the forum a safe place. 

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7 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You've been looking in the wrong place. The type of OCD you have is called False Memory OCD. Fairly common. We've had quite a few users here with it.

Typified by obsessions that are mistaken for memories. The obsessions are always about catastrophic events (if they were real), such as murdering someone, accessing child pornography, child sexual abuse or cheating on a partner.

Also typified by a complete lack of evidence of anything having happened and a relentless pursuit of evidence, which never materializes. 

Sound familiar?

Thanks polar bear but the thing is this isnt a memory. This thing happen then its all went down from there straight after. 

Because this was new to me and i didnt know why i was feeling like this, yes I did try to figure out why and what did I do straight after it happened. Not long after I was wracking my brains trying to remember if I had done/seen something but nothing. Because i cant find no evidence such as a memory of doing such thing im stuck to why I have these guilty feelings. I've read about real event ocd but I dont want to look into subtypes as its just gets all confusing and worrying so im just labling it all as ocd. 

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Well, it is all OCD. You asked if OCD can manifest in a certain way and, yeah, it can. I sort of forgot your circumstance. 

Simething happened. OCD blows it all out of proportion. Typical stuff.

Edited by PolarBear
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