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Can't Battle OCD Without Some Relief from Physical Symptoms - Impossible Situation


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Hi,

I don't usually post on here but am a regular on the Zoom sessions.

I seem to be in an impossible situation which has suddenly worsened beyond all expectations.

I have a severe phobia around bodies, bodily fluids, bodily functions, and anything medical.  Obviously this is one thing that my OCD really latches onto, and has done for about 20 years, especially around food.  About 15 years ago I developed IBS which is basically a daily hell for the OCD & anxiety.

I was 'managing' and fairly independent for a while...had to live alone because I can't deal with other people, and my physical health was suffering more & more without any medical input but was managing to eat just enough and get out locally. Up until 2018 when I suddenly developed daily nausea & dizziness to go with the IBS which was not so manageable.  It's just not something I can cope with...and if it was to get 'worse', I wouldn't be able to cope with it, wouldn't be able to clean up, and wouldn't be able to have another person over to help.  Accepting the uncertainty isn't going to happen with this event.

Trouble is, this year has been awful, physically I've got much worse than ever before, not sure how much is mentally triggered, I can no longer drive, I can barely eat, and I'm now getting panic attacks if so much as a pigeon farts outside my window...

These panic attacks trigger immediate dizziness, nausea, IBS, my throat 'collapses' so I can't breathe or swallow, I can't stop shaking, and my whole body tenses so much that I can't walk.  The symptoms continue for hours afterwards as well.

I can't risk SSRI side effects for reasons detailed above.  The GP says he can't help if I can't take meds or travel.  The mental team have never been any help so far, won't even use email which is my only method of comms.

So wtf am I meant to do?  I know the basis of CBT and was practicing it at my own pace a few years ago, but it's just completely impossible around the latest physical symptoms.  Especially with the panic attacks being so immediate regardless of the situation or any preparation.  

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It’s really strange for me to read this knowing where I am now and knowing I used to be exactly like that. 
 

My OCD manifests itself in so many different ways, but I had a really hard time a couple years ago with all of the above that you’ve mentioned. 

I remember if I saw something with a red stain I’d think it was blood straight away and go straight to “what if I get aids or something?” And it got so bad I couldn’t use a public toilet. Not because I thought I’d get something but because I hated the thought of sitting where someone else had sat. (I’m now paying for that because I’ve wrecked my bladder so now I get up in the middle of the night)

but yeah, I would suggest you doing a couple things. More frequent therapy, and group CBT session. If you haven’t done that already, it’s all about exposure and it’s hard but if you put the work in then you’ll get results. Mine was about using public toilets and I never wanted to do the work because it would make my anxiety levels so high. I would cry and stuff like that. 

it’s a weird concept but you need to get worse before you get better. Everything I hated doing, I do now without even thinking about it. These are all normal things everyone does and you just need to realise that. You’re making your own life harder by avoiding all these things. Using public toilets was mine, sounds like being physically sick or using the toilet in general is yours. These are a bodily function that everyone has. It’s your body’s way of saying it doesn’t like something and needs to get rid of it. No one likes being sick and no one likes cleaning it either. If that’s your trigger then the thought of being sick or cleaning it will make you feel like you’re dying, but you won’t die. No one has ever died from anxiety and eventually, it does go back down if you don’t carry out the compulsions 

Didn’t plan on writing this much but hope it helps :) it does get better I promise 

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Adding to that - talk to your doctor about doing a trial of antidepressants. They have to list any possible side effects by law but doesn’t mean you’ll get them? I’m on fluoxetine to manage my moods and I’m not saying it works for everyone, but it makes my life a lot easier. I’ve noticed I’m a lot more tired but that’s about it, never had any stomach problems 

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I can't do any CBT now as I can't get out of the house, I can't deal with people and I can't use telephones.  Means any medical help is impossible now.  I desperately tried to get the help in 2019 when I could still drive and deal with people outside...but after being pushed from pillar to post, made physically worse through 3 different assessments, was just told I wasn't 'ready' and that was the end of that.  Same story in previous years, no flexibility or understanding of multiple issues.

I don't consider death as the worst possible outcome, I find life worse...(although, admittedly I haven't tried both the compare!).  I'd much rather be dead and not have to deal with this 24/7.  Sadly that's not an option though...if I was able to risk ending it, I'd be able to risk taking meds...  The only way I've got through the last 15+ years is by taking one day at a time, splitting it into small chunks of an hour or so at a time, and telling myself that I can die in my sleep if I can just make it to the end of the day.  You mention bladder problems, I'm the same, stomach, bladder, bowels, teeth, throat, ears and eyes all now damaged as a result of mental issues.  And I don't see any way to ever have even the 'fixable' stuff sorted.  Worst part is I knew all this would happen eventually, hence hoping I wouldn't have to still be here to experience it!

The idea that no-one 'likes' certain things is one that grates on me a bit, there's a huge difference between disliking something, and something being physically unmanageable.  This is why the panic attacks are so debilitating, I can't even walk when they hit and I can't leave the house during IBS episodes for obvious reasons.  Yet the mental team consider that as 'not engaging' as if it's a choice.

Edited by Keyboard Worrier
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Yeah what I meant by no one “likes” doing these things is so you remember that these are not enjoyable tasks for anyone, whether they have OCD or not. I totally get that it feels impossible for you though, but without sounding blunt you need to put the work in. 
 

What’s your home life like? I grew up living with my grandparents and my nan was always a worrier so it got projected onto me. I spend a lot less time at home and surround myself with people that just worry less. Obviously I pair that with therapy, although I can’t have any at the minute because I work all the time but doesn’t mean you can’t practice CBT at home. 

things I’d suggest you practice:

- touch your toilet seat once a week (obviously before you use it and it’s clean) and try and tolerate the anxiety for as long as possible. Build it up to twice a week, three times, etc.

- work up to touching your face with that hand (sounds vile but this is the type of exposure they did when I went for CBT) and it’s important you avoid the compulsion to wash your face immediately after because this just undoes your hard work

and obviously bear in mind it’s not a race and that slow progress is still progress. 

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On the back of that though, I’ve had the same or similar struggles since I was really young and it followed me into my adult life. I’m 25 now. 

you don’t have to tell me it’s annoying when someone who doesn’t understand it tells you to just do it and to just stop worrying because I know it’s annoying. When OCD is at its worst, it literally feels like you’re incapable of doing anything “normal” but it’s all anxiety driven. 
 

Dunno if you can relate to my experience but I had some really hard times where I was putting in the work, avoiding washing my hands even though I felt like I desperately needed to. It’s not that you want to do the compulsions but you feel like you have to. There’s a big difference. I hardly got any sleep those nights because I thought I was dying. I didn’t die, the anxiety dropped eventually and that’s when I realised I might be able to do this. Everyone’s different but that was the break through moment for me and I’ve been managing it a lot better ever since 

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58 minutes ago, Keyboard Worrier said:

Yet the mental team consider that as 'not engaging' as if it's a choice.

Funnily enough, I see similar wording type tick box on the paperwork I receive following psychiatric appointments. I always wonder if refusal to take medication comes under this category of not engaging?

I was treated for psychotic depression years ago, & OCD ever since, but never been sectioned, or anything like that, but I have always felt this kind of coerces you to carry on taking the stuff.  

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1 hour ago, thistooshallpass1996 said:

What’s your home life like? I grew up living with my grandparents and my nan was always a worrier so it got projected onto me. I spend a lot less time at home and surround myself with people that just worry less. Obviously I pair that with therapy, although I can’t have any at the minute because I work all the time but doesn’t mean you can’t practice CBT at home. 

things I’d suggest you practice:

- touch your toilet seat once a week (obviously before you use it and it’s clean) and try and tolerate the anxiety for as long as possible. Build it up to twice a week, three times, etc.

- work up to touching your face with that hand (sounds vile but this is the type of exposure they did when I went for CBT) and it’s important you avoid the compulsion to wash your face immediately after because this just undoes your hard work

and obviously bear in mind it’s not a race and that slow progress is still progress. 

 

I've had to live alone for the last 6 years because I can't cope with other people at all.  Not just from a 'bodily' perspective but socially as well.  I can't deal with confrontation even when it's not aimed towards me.  I've got a lot of sensory issues that I'm only now realising may be linked to autism, and have recently had a pre-assessment which strongly suggests that I could be on the spectrum.  I can't do the full assessment because I can't travel to the place or deal with the person...again, physically unmanageable, not just unpleasant.  I spent most of the time on my own in my room for the last few years before I moved out.  Once I moved out, I did get improvements in the anxiety, OCD & IBS - partly through avoidance admittedly - but it did allow me to eat, sleep and even get out much more than ever before.  I did start getting a bit of a life around the other issues and that's when I felt I was able to attempt treatments...but found the whole system to be too inflexible even at that stage of my problems so just tried to carry on at my own pace using techniques I'd learned from TV & online etc.   However, towards the end of 2018 the physical issues suddenly got worse without any particular trigger, and they've been worsening ever since.  It's this that has made life unmanageable, not actually the OCD.  But I can't make any mental progress without some physical relief.  

I can't leave the house now because I physically can't stop using the toilet when trying to leave, and the nausea and reflux are severe, I feel too dizzy to get down the stairs...the motion of the car means I can't even get out of the carpark without vertigo and stomach problems (haven't been able to travel in anything other than my own car for 10 years, also can't use lifts or escalators for the same reason)...and the last few times I managed to get to the local shop, I couldn't stop shaking, had to steady myself on the shelves and didn't have the strength to lift things (unsure if anxiety related or lack of calories)...literally just managed to get a loaf of bread, some crisps and a bottle of soap.  There's so much happening physically at these 'events' that I just can't see small steps to take any more.  

The problem with the toilet touching exposure is that it doesn't change the actual fear in my case.  The idea behind that is that you might not get ill from it...  But that doesn't make any difference to me, getting away with something once is irrelevant.  I know I can't deal with bodily fluids as I spend the majority of each day trying to cope with them.  The 'extra' from anxiety events like going out or trying to deal with people are beyond manageable and I would even say they're traumatic for me, rather than just unpleasant.  Maybe this is due to high sensitives compared to normal, I don't know.   But it doesn't matter how rarely normal people get ill to me, the risk that it can happen at all is more than I can accept.  This is why I can't try any form of medication and have a hell of a job getting food in every day, even things that I have been eating for years...because the anxiety doesn't drop with the amount of times that I do anything...there is still just as much chance of getting ill from the 100th time as the 2nd. 

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2 hours ago, felix4 said:

Funnily enough, I see similar wording type tick box on the paperwork I receive following psychiatric appointments. I always wonder if refusal to take medication comes under this category of not engaging?

I was treated for psychotic depression years ago, & OCD ever since, but never been sectioned, or anything like that, but I have always felt this kind of coerces you to carry on taking the stuff.  

Probably, yes.  I've seen a few other people on forums who got discharged from 'non engagement' because they couldn't answer the phone or get out of the house at the time of their appointment.  I fully appreciate resources are stretched but there needs to be some flexibility when it's the same health conditions stopping that as the ones they're meant to treat. 

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9 minutes ago, Keyboard Worrier said:

Probably, yes.  I've seen a few other people on forums who got discharged from 'non engagement' because they couldn't answer the phone or get out of the house at the time of their appointment.  I fully appreciate resources are stretched but there needs to be some flexibility when it's the same health conditions stopping that as the ones they're meant to treat. 

I mislaid my psychiatry appointment card, so phoned the department & asked when my forthcoming appointment was, & received a right dressing down for not turning up to previous appointments. Things did not add up, because I was sure that my appointment was in about 1 months time. Turns out there is someone with the same name & D.O.B, who see another Dr there. They did apologise.

On another occasion, I was told that I turned up an hour early for an appointment, so I went for a wander, & then when I turned again, another person with the same name entered the waiting room, & the person I was due to see was not happy & had words with the reception, because my appointment should've been an hour previous!  

It has been worse, my initial assessment which contained lots of very personal sensitive information was addressed to my next door neighbours flat number, & I received a sellotaped up envelope! :rolleyes: 

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Sounds like you’re having a really tough time with it at the moment. 
 

it’s a difficult one because not everyone has the exact same forms of OCD which means one method of exposure might work for one person but be completely pointless for the other. 
 

What’s your main trigger and what do you think is the absolute worst that can happen if you were to avoid doing your compulsions? (If you have any). Mine are driven by “if I don’t do this then this might happen” but I think once you start breaking it down in your head it starts making more sense and you start to realise how illogical it is. Obviously you don’t to publicly post what it is, but as long as you know yourself then it’s a good place to start 
 

Also have you tried reading break free from OCD? Really good book, helped me a lot. 
 

I know it’s hard but try and stay positive. 

 

 

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22 hours ago, felix4 said:

I mislaid my psychiatry appointment card, so phoned the department & asked when my forthcoming appointment was, & received a right dressing down for not turning up to previous appointments. Things did not add up, because I was sure that my appointment was in about 1 months time. Turns out there is someone with the same name & D.O.B, who see another Dr there. They did apologise.

On another occasion, I was told that I turned up an hour early for an appointment, so I went for a wander, & then when I turned again, another person with the same name entered the waiting room, & the person I was due to see was not happy & had words with the reception, because my appointment should've been an hour previous!  

It has been worse, my initial assessment which contained lots of very personal sensitive information was addressed to my next door neighbours flat number, & I received a sellotaped up envelope! :rolleyes: 

That must be a fairly rare situation, I can't imagine there are many people with the same name & DOB using the same service at the same time! ?

 

13 hours ago, thistooshallpass1996 said:

Sounds like you’re having a really tough time with it at the moment. 
 

it’s a difficult one because not everyone has the exact same forms of OCD which means one method of exposure might work for one person but be completely pointless for the other. 
 

What’s your main trigger and what do you think is the absolute worst that can happen if you were to avoid doing your compulsions? (If you have any). Mine are driven by “if I don’t do this then this might happen” but I think once you start breaking it down in your head it starts making more sense and you start to realise how illogical it is. Obviously you don’t to publicly post what it is, but as long as you know yourself then it’s a good place to start 
 

Also have you tried reading break free from OCD? Really good book, helped me a lot. 
 

I know it’s hard but try and stay positive. 

It's difficult to pick a single main trigger because it changes depending on the current circumstance.  The 'general daily' worsts are diahorrea, sickness & blood.  But I guess the absolute worst one would be having such a severe illness or injury that I'd have to go to hospital, dealing with people, pain, bodily stuff, travelling, sensory overload etc.  I can't even cope with a nosebleed or IBS attack without coming over dizzy & stiff...which then makes me worry about collapsing and causing myself a bigger injury falling against a solid object. 

It has happened as well...forced myself through the DPT jab at school back in 2007...as I walked out of the medical room someone asked me how it was...I said 'fine'...then immediately passed out, narrowly missing a cast iron radiator and scraping my face across probably the dirtiest piece of carpet in the whole school, right by the entrance, leaving a dirty open wound.  Also caused a lot of neck & back pain afterwards.  Was lucky not to have done any real damage but I can't say it helped my medical phobia at all! :laugh: 

One of the contributors to the faint was likely to be lack of food intake...I couldn't eat or drink anything at school because of the contamination fears and risk of IBS occurring away from home.  Eventually that happened too...had a horrible IBSD episode at a motorway services shortly after a I started driving, which massively worsened the agoraphobia and reduced my distances.  Trouble is, people say things aren't as bad when you actually experience them, but I find the opposite, they're almost always worse than I expected!!  I don't think the OCD or anxiety triggers in this area have changed at all really, but the longer I have to be alive, the more bad events I go through, reinforcing the fact that I can't cope with the things that I've always been worried about! :rolleyes:  

I do have other areas of OCD as well, but I find the mental compulsions a bit easier to battle against than the 'bodily' based ones.  I can accept that I probably haven't run someone over, for example.  And that putting the odd bit of plastic in a landfill bin isn't going to turn the planet into a fireball.  But the bodily stuff is just on another level.

I can't concentrate on books any more, I did read a few a while ago but didn't get anything from them.  I do understand how the OCD works, and how CBT & ERP work, but it seems like my problems are a bit different due to the combination of other issues as well.

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2 minutes ago, Keyboard Worrier said:

That must be a fairly rare situation, I can't imagine there are many people with the same name & DOB using the same service at the same time! ?

 

It had me questioning my own sanity at the time, & I thought, am I schizophrenic or something? :rolleyes:

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Just want to bump this up before it drops off the bottom of the page.

Surely there must be some way of reducing the physical symptoms even if it is just 'papering over the cracks' for now?  The daft thing is that so much anxiety is now being caused by the potential symptoms of the anxiety/panic before even trying to do the actual thing itself!

Tried to 'fool' my brain into a very small shopping trip yesterday as I wasn't feeling too bad at the time, which is unusual nowadays.  Didn't go through all of the usual planning and preparation.  And just tried to convince myself it was only a quick drive around the block.  Got out of the house ok but within half a mile the nausea, reflux and throat issues were already getting bad, then peaked as I turned into the (small) carpark and I couldn't breathe properly.  Tried to stand up but couldn't let go of the car due to dizziness.  Tried to wait it out for a few minutes, sitting down and getting up another couple of times but it wasn't getting any better.  Especially due to the number of people & cars coming and going (thought it would be quiet in the early afternoon now kids are back at school...that was not the case!).  When I got back home there was a load more 'waste' to pass and that kept the nausea going for the rest of the day...tried to eat a bit of dinner which just caused more stomach pain, and was absolutely knackered by about 8pm.

I'm just getting so frustrated with seemingly not being in any control of this damn body any more, not being able to find any treatment for this, and essentially being told that I'm just not trying hard enough! ?

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Hi Keyboard Worrier,

I get a blocked feeling in my throat sometimes if I eat when very anxious. It feels like the food has got stuck and I'm going to choke (I've had choking episodes in the past where I needed a Heimlich manoevre to get me breathing again so the fear of choking is always there the moment anything feels stuck in my throat.)

When it happens now I am 1) aware it's anxiety related and 2) the only thing I need to do is relax and wait for it to pass.

Relaxing isn't automatic, it's a skill you have to learn and practise. But once you get good at it you can go from panic attack status to completely calm in under a minute.

So my advice on dealing with these physical anxiety symptoms is to learn how to relax.

There are lots of different techniques. I started with simply tensing and relaxing all my muscle groups so I became aware of what 'tense' and 'relaxed' felt like. Practise when you're not stressed out and become familiar with the process of letting the tension go until you can do it on demand and in an instant.

You might also find mindfulness helpful; become aware of your thoughts as just thoughts, let them pass through without reacting. Observe the feelings and sensations in your body like an outsider and without reacting/ without judgement. For example, 'OMG! :omg_smilie: I'm choking, I feel dizzy, I'm having a panic attack, this is awful, I can't cope, I don't know what to do...' :crybaby:     

...becomes 'Ok. :huh:  I'm experiencing tightness in my gullet as if something is stuck there. My head feels woozy. I recognise this is a panic attack. It's the result of me feeling anxious. I'm going to relax and wait quietly until the symptoms pass naturally.' :)

Same for irritable bowel symptoms; remind yourself the pain is just wind and muscle spasms in the gut caused by anxiety. Put in place your (by now well-practised!) relaxation techniques. Don't get upset over the diarrhoea or any difficulties of cleaning up secondary to OCD cleanliness demands. Keep calm. Take it in your stride. It's happening, but it won't last forever. You will cope. You will feel better again. Keep on top of the temptation to ruminate and don't let your mind go off imagining all kinds or berating yourself for getting in this mess. 

Have simple strategies like these at your fingertips so you can implement them the moment physical (or mental) anxiety symptoms strike.

Then get yourself some CBT to deal with the underlying OCD and background causes. :)

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Thanks snowbear.  That's got to be the best answer I've had regarding physical symptoms in the last decade. :smile: 

Trouble is, it still relies on me actually being able to cope with these things, when I have years of evidence to the contrary.  It's difficult to get across in a forum post just how much I can't deal with bodily fluids/solids/gasses, noises, processes etc.  It's not like afterwards I think 'well, that wasn't so bad'...in fact it's the complete opposite, more like 'well, I never want to go through that again!'.  Maybe I'm just massively oversensitive to physical feelings, I don't understand how normal people just accept them and get on with them.  I seem to spend at least 90% of my life trying to deal with my own body. :unsure:  It's not all in my head though, as the consequences of trying to go shopping or even accept a delivery, for example, are the next 2 or 3 days being unable to bend, lift or lay down, let alone drive, because the stomach issues are so bad and everythings shifting about uncontrollably.  Plus now the throat issues keep making me feel like gagging as well.  It was hard enough when it was mainly the bottom end but at least that did seem to recover within 2 days so I could get out every other day then.  I'm sure something physically happened to my stomach in 2018 but not being able to deal with my own body, another persons body, a hospital, or travelling, makes any sort of diagnosis or repair impossible.

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8 hours ago, Keyboard Worrier said:

It's not like afterwards I think 'well, that wasn't so bad'...in fact it's the complete opposite, more like 'well, I never want to go through that again!

Been there, done that and got the t-shirt! :mf_tshirt:

8 hours ago, Keyboard Worrier said:

 the consequences of trying to go shopping or even accept a delivery, for example, are the next 2 or 3 days being unable to bend, lift or lay down, let alone drive, because the stomach issues are so bad and everythings shifting about uncontrollably.  

I totally get this too. When I have a streeful event to cope with it knocks me sideways not just on the day of the delivery but also for 2 days afterwards. Simple everyday things (such as having a parcel delivered) that other people take for granted for me require a week of planning and setting aside 3 days to deal with the situation!

So that's what I do. I accept that I may (not inevitable, but might) find the coming event stressful, and I prepare to take it in my stride the best I can. Rather than avoid the things I find very stressful, I plan for them. I give myself a few 'light duties' days afterwards and make sure I get to bed early the night before so I'm as rested as possible. (Often I don't sleep much, but relaxing your muscles and resting your awake body is the next best thing to sleep and does suffice. (Worrying that you aren't sleeping/ haven't slept is half of the tiredness from insomnia.)

Same with stress. The worry (rumination) you do in anticipation of 'having a bad day' is at least half of what causes the symptoms ON the bad day.

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It's not all in my head though....I'm sure something physically happened to my stomach in 2018 but not being able to deal with my own body, another persons body, a hospital, or travelling, makes any sort of diagnosis or repair impossible.

I'm hearing you, honestly I am. BUT I've also learned a very important lesson in my long life :Old:  Saying 'I'm not able to deal with...' and 'makes it impossible...' actually IS all in your head!

Truth is it isn't impossible and you could deal with it if you had to, it's just so stressful that you prefer not to put yourself through that. Understandable! I've avoided more than my share of such things, until it literally became a case of life and death. When your life is quite literally on the line in that moment it's amazing how you cope and deal with stuff you'd normally avoid like the plague.

So what's 'in your head' is the result of your experiences to date. You've had a few bad experiences with physical symptoms and as a result you're telling yourself you 'can't' and it's 'impossible'.

I wouldn't wish you misfortune, but perhaps what you need is to experience a few episodes where your life is on the line and you genuinely have no choice other than to roll up your sleeves and get on with it.

And yes, you might choose to focus on the, 'I never want that to happen again' :crybaby:part instead of recognising the 'Wow! I coped with that! I can't get over how amazing I am!' :clap:  part.

It's easy to fall into the habit of taking the bad from each life experience and becoming more anxious and avoidant as a result. You may think it's a natural consequence of going through bad stuff, but the truth is  it's a choice, not an inevitability. How you deal with the future doesn't have to be the same as how you reacted in the past. It's no more 'natural' to become scared and avoidant than to become stronger and more confident.

Tell yourself, 'I don't want to face this, but I will be able to deal with it and though it won't be pleasant it is possible.'

Practise taking that attitude with every single challenge you face, from the huge and (seemingly) unbearable to the ridiculously small. Get into the mindset of believing in your ability to cope with whatever 'unbearable' stuff life throws at you.

It might sound too easy to make a significant difference, but it does actually work. Simply changing your mindset from 'I can't' to 'I could, if I want to...' makes previously unbearable things bearable. With time and practise, the now 'bearable' becomes less and less burdensome, until you find yourself just getting on with it and taking stuff in your stride even on your worst days.

On 04/09/2021 at 13:52, Keyboard Worrier said:

I'm just getting so frustrated with essentially being told that I'm just not trying hard enough!

That's NOT what I'm saying here. :no:  I believe you're genuinely doing the absolute best you can.

Or to be more precise, I know you're doing the absolute best you think you can.

Which is why I'm sharing the above tip with you. Changing your mindset isn't easy, but it really can dramatically change how you experience life.

You have to accept that there is a way forward and then choose to take it. Practise it. Work at it. Use the energy it takes to hold onto one mindset (ruminating, telling yourself it's impossible) and put the same energy into trying out a new mindset (I can and I'm willing to give it a go regardless of the consequences.)

Changing your mindset won't stop bad things happening. It won't make stressful events stop being stressful - at least at first. But it's a place to start which everybody is capable of, as long as they are committed to making things better for themselves.

I've been in the 'mental prison' of believing there's no way to sort things, going round in circles because getting help seems more problematic than the situation you're trying to get help for. That's how I learned that when you're starting from an 'impossible situation' even the smallest step forward is of huge benefit.

Later, as you gain confidence and experience some episodes where you reflect with 'Wow, I handled that better than I thought I could!' then you'll be ready to start tackling some ERP etc. and take bigger strides towards recovery.

For now what matters is you make a start. Remove one brick from the wall of your mental prison, peek out and see what's there. Go on, I dares ya! :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

The prison mortar seems to be stronger than my chisel... :unsure:

If anything, I've gone further back this week.  Finally got a response from the access team but they won't even assess me let alone refer me on to the mental team because I can't use phones.  Coincidentally, the day after that a family member kept ringing my phone, making me really unwell physically, even just the noise sets off my bowels which in turn aggravates my stomach.  I did eventually answer it and try to speak which was a huge mistake.  So much so that I haven't been able to carry out basic tasks like cleaning the bathroom or putting washing in the machine since because the nausea & IBS are just too severe to physically do any bending or leaning.  I've barely been able to eat anything and can't even get downstairs for some fresh air in the car park.  I've already decided I'm not going to attempt driving or shopping on Monday so that hopefully my insides can settle a bit over the next few days but obviously that'll have a negative impact on the OCD & agoraphobia itself.

Is there some sort of 'top end' Immodium type thing that could help with this as it comes on?  I don't even feel particularly mentally stressed, it's just the physical consequences that are completely unmanageable and trying to relax doesn't seem to be helping them.  It's already too late by the time they've come on as they last for days afterwards.  I honestly don't know what small steps I can take as I just keep making things worse.

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7 hours ago, Keyboard Worrier said:

Finally got a response from the access team but they won't even assess me let alone refer me on to the mental team because I can't use phones.  Coincidentally, the day after that a family member kept ringing my phone, making me really unwell physically, even just the noise sets off my bowels which in turn aggravates my stomach.  I did eventually answer it and try to speak which was a huge mistake.  So much so that I haven't been able to carry out basic tasks like cleaning the bathroom or putting washing in the machine since because the nausea & IBS are just too severe to physically do any bending or leaning.  I've barely been able to eat anything and can't even get downstairs for some fresh air in the car park.  I've already decided I'm not going to attempt driving or shopping on Monday so that hopefully my insides can settle a bit over the next few days but obviously that'll have a negative impact on the OCD & agoraphobia itself.

 

I hear you, Keyboard Worrier. I can empathise with you.  I've been through a similar situation where for a long time I wouldn't communicate via letters, the phone or doorbell ringing set off my PTSD, and dealing with everyday demands of life was more than I felt I could handle. My world shrank. My physical health became more of an issue on a day-to-day basis than my mental health.

7 hours ago, Keyboard Worrier said:

I don't even feel particularly mentally stressed, it's just the physical consequences that are completely unmanageable

 

How did I get out of the pit of quicksand you're describing?

By recognising that LIFE consists of these things we find hard. Life IS communication with others, daily self-care tasks, sorting out difficulties, dealing with the outside world.

By accepting that these physical health problems are the result of mental distress and that a seeming lack of mental stress on a day-to-day footing is a sign of extreme avoidance, not a sign that your mental health is doing ok and physical issues are the main problem. The problem here is mental and you need to treat the physical symptoms by addressing the underlying mental issues.

 

There comes a point where you have to change 'I can't'  :crybaby: to 'I can' :flex:  You accept it may not be pleasant, it will likely feel a huge struggle, but you are going to stop chooosing avoidance and deal with life, whatever the short-term physical consequences.

Begin with one thing. Set yourself small goals.

Prioritise.

What's going to get you out of this awful situation?

As I said above, the answer is to address the mental health issues which underlie the physical ones. So...

Your top priority is to gird your loins, roll up your sleeves and find a way to turn 'can't use phones' into an appointment, assessment and eventual access to therapy.

Put it simply, NOTHING ELSE comes close in importance right now. Not your laundry, not your guts spilling everywhere, not the misey of your current existence.

So you start with the phone issue and get yourself on the road to therapy. I bet you're saying to the screen right now, 'You don't understand, I can't.'

Believe me, I DO understand. Been there, done it, got the t-shirt. :mf_tshirt:  Look at it this way, if it kills you, so what? You're not 'living' anyway. You're existing in a pit of avoidance. Keep going as you are and your world will keep shrinking, your mental health will decline further and eventually your body will give up. Bliss.

Except you'll be dead so you won't be able to appreciate the 'improvement' in your situation.

Harsh words? Yeah. But they're what I told myself when I hit rock bottom and they got me kicking my own butt and turning things around.

Start pushing yourself out of the comfort zone you've built up around you and you'll soon feel your mental distress levels rise. That's good! As long as you're living in avoidance you may not feel much mental distress day-to-day, but you're achieving nothing. You want change? You have to go THROUGH the mental distress you've been avoiding, DO the things you've been putting off wirth 'I can'ts'.

Now, if you choose to stay stuck that's absolutely your right. I'll step back and leave you to it. It's not my job to fix you. That's your job.

If you choose to start fixing yourself, one small step at a time, then we'll be here to walk that path with you, support you and celebrate the successes with you. :)

Life is a choice. Avoidance is a choice. And 'can't' isn't the big fat fluffy deal you think it is. Get on the phone, book the assessment, give yourself recovery time afterwards and spend that quiet recovery time planning your next step forward.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Quick update on this.  The phone assessment is still not possible because of my throat issues.  I tried to take a call from a relative last week.  Answered on the 3rd attempt but she couldn't really understand me and after 5 minutes of just the odd word or two from me (her doing most of the talking) she could no longer hear me either.  So verbal assessments or phone CBT are still not going to be possible...as they haven't been for the last decade, hardly a great surprise lol.   But it is still extremely frustrating that the services aren't accessible to people who can't verbalise their problems.  

In other news, I finally got some anti-nausea medication prescribed which was meant to stop both the nausea & vertigo - and ultimately allow me to start on an SSRI without those getting worse.  It's been a huge battle trying to get it in, I've tried different techniques, different times, and it seems to get harder and harder each day with more and more consequences afterwards.  My body is just too sensitive to anything inside it.  I have managed to get in a dose every day this week but it's not working.  The effects of taking it (whether caused by anxiety or the med itself) are such that I haven't been able to do other basic things either, the dizziness & IBS have been increased.  And a bad D episode a couple of weekends back reinforced the fact that 'I can' simply doesn't work with physical practicalities.  I got in a right state trying to refit washed bedding after a totally unexpected D attack just after stripping the bed...which has obviously just created another 'traumatic' event for anxiety to latch onto now, I can't even put the washing machine on without raising anxiety levels considerably...and because the vertigo is worsened by any loud or constant noise, or visual motion, I can't do anything in the kitchen with the machine on. Previously I'd go out for a walk or drive while the machine was on the loudest part (rinse & spin) which is no longer possible.  I know you'll say these things don't matter but unfortunately they do, just one example, if I don't have clean towels then I can't eat due to all the issues I have around food preparation.  It feels like every small change creates massive consequences like the ripples in a lake.  I get that you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs but so far I've just got a mass of congealed egg all over the floor...it's clear that I'm not going to move forward without a pan and a heat source...  I need some sort of practical 'safety net' to be able to manage things when they do go badly - I could really do with a local 'help' that I could text to come over if things became unmanageable physically/practically.  I thought this was the sort of thing a support worker could do but can't find anywhere to offer anything like that, either NHS or paid for.

I don't think there's any more that can be said now, I know essentially how the treatment would work, I just can't get it to work practically in my situation.  I feel I would benefit massively from being able to 'chat' privately & regularly with someone else in similar circumstances though, through Messenger or Insta or something...  I know it's a very long shot but if anyone is reading this in a similar situation and feels we may be able to help each other out in that way, please do drop me a PM on here.  (I'm male, late 20s btw).  Thanks.

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Hi There

We really don't recommend or encourage support via Private Message or similar for many reasons.  Personal safety being one and also that this type of interchange can often be detrimental to the sufferer, supporting the illness in a way that harms rather than helps.  It can also put a lot of pressure on the other person who may start off in good faith but soon find the dependency overwhelming.

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Hi Keyboard Warrior,

First off I second what Caramoole said about the dangers of getting into 'support' via private messaging. Much better to use the PM for social chat and keep the advice kind of support on the forum.

 

7 hours ago, Keyboard Worrier said:

I know you'll say these things don't matter but unfortunately they do, just one example, if I don't have clean towels then I can't eat due to all the issues I have around food preparation.  It feels like every small change creates massive consequences like the ripples in a lake. 

I totally get you on this. One small issue can have a huge ripple effect in the world of OCD thinking. I've been there many times - and learned how to get out of the downward spiral. The bottom line is you either find a way around it or life grinds to a complete halt.

Getting around it can vary from acceptance (this is how life is now, just have to use the washing mahine anyway and put up with the noise/ vertigo/ knock-on effects) to choosing one aspect of your situation and deciding to tackle the OCD thinking related to that area.

For example, vertigo and noise intolerance is common when anxiety levels are high. So rather than treating it as an additional problem with additional OCD consequences, see it simply as your body's way of communicating anxiety and do things to bring your anxiety level down. Then, when your anxiety is relatively undr control and you're a bit calmer, go ahead and do the thing you've been avoiding (the washing) because you wanted to avoid having the anxiety symptoms (vertigo).

Get used to thinking of stresses such as 'can't eat because...' and other knock-on effects as the result of your avoidance compulsions rather than as problems because something wasn't how you wanted it to be. When you start to recognise the pattern for what it is [ something happens > avoidance compulsion results > knock-on effects that make life worse ] then you can more easily (more willingly?) tackle the avoidance instead of succumbing to an awful existence.

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On 07/10/2021 at 21:34, snowbear said:

Getting around it can vary from acceptance (this is how life is now, just have to use the washing machine anyway and put up with the noise/ vertigo/ knock-on effects) to choosing one aspect of your situation and deciding to tackle the OCD thinking related to that area.

I do try to accept these things but I find any sort of pain/discomfort/physical sensation totally intolerable.  This is probably the reason for all the risk avoidance, OCD, agoraphobia etc.  I don't know why but I've always been the same, I don't know how normal people put up with these things, and even actively pursue them!  Even as a young kid I could never have plasters on or get paint/glue/pen on myself as I'd want to rip my arms off!  I'm having the same issue with the anti-nausea medication now.  I can 'feel' it in my throat for a couple of hours or more after taking it.  It's not painful but it's really uncomfortable and makes me keep swallowing (worsening my throat even more and adding air to the stomach).  I've got the actual 'getting it in' down to under 5 minutes now but the consequences don't diminish the more I do it, so the fear around taking it continues to get greater.  It's causing more nausea than usual for about an hour after taking it, then more dizziness & vertigo for the next few hours.  The whole point of taking it was so that I could take an SSRI half an hour afterwards to reduce the risk of nausea from the SSRI, but I just don't see that I can keep taking this, let alone take an SSRI as well.  Are there any anti anxiety meds without the common digestive or dizziness side effects?  I don't understand how other people with phobias around bodily fluids are able to take them.

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7 hours ago, Keyboard Worrier said:

Even as a young kid I could never have plasters on or get paint/glue/pen on myself as I'd want to rip my arms off! 

As a kid I used to grind to a halt if the label in the neckline of my t-shirt wasn't removed. It felt itchy and irritating and I'd physically grind to a halt if forced to wear the clothes without the labels removed.

7 hours ago, Keyboard Worrier said:

I'm having the same issue with the anti-nausea medication now.  I can 'feel' it in my throat for a couple of hours or more after taking it.  It's not painful but it's really uncomfortable and makes me keep swallowing (worsening my throat even more and adding air to the stomach).  I've got the actual 'getting it in' down to under 5 minutes now but the consequences don't diminish the more I do it, so the fear around taking it continues to get greater. 

Been there too! I used to really struggle to swallow any kind of medication. Then I learned to think of the tablets as cornflakes. You can semi-chew and swallow a mouthful of crinkly cornflakes whole no bother, or lumps of meat/potato/apples etc, so think of the tablets as you think of a food you like and hey presto - they go down a lot easier. Still took a bit of practise to get good at it and I can still only swallow one pill at time with a swig of water, but the rest of the discomfort/air swallowing etc is no longer an issue.

7 hours ago, Keyboard Worrier said:

I do try to accept these things but I find any sort of pain/discomfort/physical sensation totally intolerable.  This is probably the reason for all the risk avoidance, OCD, agoraphobia etc.  I don't know why but I've always been the same, I don't know how normal people put up with these things, and even actively pursue them! 

It's all about state of mind. Psychologically you're rejecting these things as unpleasant and undesirable, so your senses react as if everything is amplified more than it truly is. Your body phsically rejects what your mind is rejecting by creating gut spams and nausea - the body's defences against poison.

You can learn to override it (well I did, so if I can anybody can!) It's a combination of 2 things.

1. Understand the sensations you're feeling are the same as if the real stimulus (actual poison/excessive noise etc) was present, but the stimulus your body is responding to  is your mental rejection of these things rather than the actual things themselves.

2. When you get the physical symptoms (nausea, dizzyness) remind yourself they aren't necessary. You don't have to make yourself feel this way. You can stop it. And you stop it by telling your body 'It's ok, there isn't any real danger here, you can stand down your guard.'

Again, it takes a while for your body to trust what you're saying to it, so you have to persevere. Push yourself a little at first, try to keep going through the symptoms while telling your body the danger is not real.

Eventually your body unlearns the response of creating these symptoms to fit with what you're picturing mentally and the symptoms lessen and stop.

And before you tell me you're different or unique etc, you should know that actors learn to do the opposite. They can make themselves vomit on demand by picturing something they find distressing or abhorrent, which is the same process you did as a child only you weren't doing it consciously.

Give it a go! Trust that it's possible, perservere even if the results are slow at first and you'll surprise yourself with just how 'normal' you are after all. :)

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