need help please

[snowbear]

At risk of sounding like a broken record...been there, done that and got the t-shirt!

I've had a few episodes in the past where my best friend has said hurtful things about me, my OCD, about where I'm at etc and each time it sent me reeling for a day or two.

But these days I am able to step back from her words and consider why she said them (maybe she's struggling, she wants better for me, she didn't mean it the way I interpreted it, she never intended it to be hurtful or for me to take it that way etc.) Then, instead of feeling threatened and vulnerable because of it all I've been able to keep 'what's happening in my life' separate from 'where I'm at with my OCD'.

All part of learning to think differently and practising the skill of stepping back from the initial emotional response and choosing how you want to think / interpret a situation.

Be kind to yourself if you have a difficult phase and keep your eyes on the end goal posts. You'll get there!

[bendylouise]

I totally get what you were saying about your friend and her comments and your way of thinking about them. However, there was only one way i could interpret my friend's words. But i think you were not really comparing situations but just telling me that these things happen and we can move on, without looking for things (relationships) to be perfect. There are after all, more good things in the relationship than bad and even though it's been hard on me, perhaps ultimately my relationship would be improved - hopefully.

I am trying now, to think that, just like if you suddenly realise you are doing a compulsion and realise it wasnt needed - you should just wipe the slate clean (dismissing it), you should do exactly the same if you deliberately did a compulsion (because you might have done something that makes you feel unclean) and then didnt want to continue it. It doesn't matter that you messed up or that you don't feel clean. 

I've been re-reading again and find that i'd forgotten what's been said so I'll have to keep doing that and practising more and more. There's a lot to learn and remember and practice!  

 

Edited October 22, 2022 by bendylouise

[bendylouise]

Hi all. I hope you are all managing well.

i havent been on for a while and have been trying hard to maintain my progress on allowing myself to do what i want despite perceived mistakes and rules not to. And i have managed a lot better for several weeks which is amazing for me. This has allowed me to keep busier generally with more useful things indoors, which is fortunate because going out is getting increasingly difficult due to a newer foot problem for which i am going to have an MRI soon.

But i'm having problems now. Im not sure now how it started but i know that maybe 2 weeks  ago i got myself into an OCD pickle  and got myself out of it (the wrong way) by using some magical thinking which in turn actually caused some progress to be made. I ran with it.

I cant remember all the details now but basically i bargained with myself saying "things would be OK again, if i were to only rinse my hands once, instead of the usual twice".  This would sort of negate the problem and prove that the item/s in both the 'situations' were clean.

BTW it  has been my wish to reduce this to once for years and i have had such problems with it. So i sort of stumbled upon this progress which is not ideal or terribly brave but it was right to run with it. Several days later, i still - often, not always - only rinse once.   This im hoping could maybe lead to doing other things only once and thus break down a rigid rule to smash my logic and get me into the right way of behaving.

However, i seem to have gone backwards again in my thinking, getting caught up with old rules and rigid and skewed thinking? My mind wont let me go faster with the progress eg i can relax more whilst doing my hands but other rules that have been overridden over the last several weeks have overpowered me. 

I had a problem about a week ago and 2 items ended up being 'unclean'. It seems that some fallout from the previous week's "progress" caused me to regress and i had a real problem with the items. 

I finally got the items clean again somehow (with compulsions) but i never managed to carry on before something else stopped me which was i couldn't be bothered to do a bathroom task "properly" and my mind punished me by making things dirty again, so that im now disallowing things again. I just cant see that things are ok and that i mustn't disallow things i want to do.  

The time of year, my horrible physical state, isolation and practical issues are making everything even more difficult.  I feel really stuck and i want to take action but im so scared that things aren't clean and  that im not allowed to ignore this and carry on doing new good, useful/buying things i want to.  My voice activation is not working and its making posting much v difficult again.

I think i need to read my posts about skewed thinking as ive forgotton about that. Ive tried to be logical but dont know whether i can dismiss all the conditions and rules at any point no matter how far ive gone and how much i believe it. I am actually amazed that im back here tho suspect i shouldn't be. i dont want to have to make anything 'clean' b4 i am free again, but i have tried being brave and cant stand the stress.

Please help.

 

 

[bendylouise]

Ok, an update. I did re-read some of the advice i've been given, and managed to do just a couple more compulsive actions and made things feel clean again. Of course i felt better and because things felt clean i allowed myself to do things again. i felt worn out and depressed and told myself i wouldnt let it happen again. However, when i had to rinse my hands, intending to do them once, i felt nervous i think because it felt so important to not mess things up, that guess what? I messed things up by thinking i hadn't rinsed properly, panicking, rinsing a bit again and usng towel before i felt clean and having the thought that i couldnt do things again. 

I can’t get off this loop. I don’t want to wait any more to think things are clean b4 I do things I want. I want to do things now. I want to allow myself to have hope and and freedom to do what I want to now.  I am indoors all the time alone at mo and this doesn’t help. I’ve let go of some things but not others. I just can’t type anymore due to back pain.  Please help.

[bendylouise]

Once again, i rinsed my hands (only once tho') but think i pulled a hand away before it was fully rinsed  and i wondered whether to just carry on, or to rinse my hands again (which would be going against my goal of only rinsing once). i half decided to carry on, then changed my mind  on route to towel and rinsed again. I think i may have got floor and chair dirty as my hands were dripping on to them before i did 2nd rinse.

I wish i'd only rinsed once and accepted it, but i genuinly thought i'd cut the rinse short or genuinly not done it properly and wonder if i need to rinse thoroughly once or just quickly once without being thorough? i suspect that is enough and i should forgive myself for being indecisive and not think that my hands arent clean? Is this correct thinking and the way to proceed?

I have had trouble with this so long that I’m not going to get it right each time and feel I’m bound to question it and find fault with what I do.

 

 

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, bendylouise said:

i suspect that is enough and i should forgive myself for being indecisive and not think that my hands arent clean? Is this correct thinking and the way to proceed?

Sorry to hear you've got caught out by your OCD rules again, Louise.

Yes, total self-forgiveness and keep going is the way forward.

It doesn't matter whether you rinse once and then carry on or whether you rinse more than once and carry on. What matters is you carry on! Remember the rules are there to be broken. 

You have the understanding now, so where you're at next is putting your new understanding into practice. There will be lots of 'slip ups' (assuming you're human like the rest of us) so if you need a 'reset' after a slip up, then give it to yourself.   From here on it's mostly about practising doing things normally until the time comes when doing things normally feels more 'right' than doing things the OCD way.

[bendylouise]

Hi Snowbear, i always think that if i make a mistake it has to be put right by undoing it, instead of accepting that "mistakes" are human, ok and necessary parts of the journey and are useful as a way to move forward because they give clarity.

Crucially, it doesnt matter if im not as brave sometimes as i would prefer, i should plough on normally, even if my indecisive behaviour has made things 'dirty' because me being able to do what i want is not dependant on me doing things perfectly to achieve a skewed sense of feeling clean. Actually none of it matters, or has to be undone Its just my go-to obsessive thoughts and back peddling behaviour which has got to be stoppedg so i can lose the thoughts/feelings that any of it matters. Does this make sense to you too? Do you get what i mean? 

Goodnight and Happy Christmas.

Edited December 25, 2022 by bendylouise

[bendylouise]

im getting caught up in rules again. I hate myself for doing this. I think things are unclean – well not exactly unclean but not clean and I'm not allowing myself to do what I want to do again. I know it's some kind of illusion. Just because I couldn't see in the mirror clearly enough to see whether my face was clean (I hadn't bothered to clean the mirror when I should've done), I can't cope with doing the things I want to do again.

I've been doing pretty well with only rinsing hands once, and have been managing better generally, because I just think I'm changing as a person and maybe facing up to settings a bit more and understanding more, but this cycle mentioned above continues. At this moment my bed doesn't feel clean and I don't know what to do to get it clean - apart from rethinking my logic, which I can do, but still don't feel strong enough to ignore the feeling that I mustn't do things i want to do until i'm sure that things are clean or perform a ritual to "Put things right".

I feel that only time and rituals will solve it again and I don't want to do that. Well, really, I feel like I should've cleaned the mirror in the first place because I know that can sometimes cause me problems, but then again, was my mind looking for trouble, just because I was excited about wanting to do things the next day and trying to trip me up? Yes, I think this could probably be the case, but there are so many situations that could occur and I just want to allow myself to do things constantly.

 

[snowbear]

So you've slid down the slope a wee bit. No big deal. Remember you can never truly go back to where you were before, because you've gained insight and understanding. So even when it feels like it's all back to square one, it's not.

 

22 hours ago, bendylouise said:

At this moment my bed doesn't feel clean and I don't know what to do to get it clean - apart from rethinking my logic, which I can do, but still don't feel strong enough to ignore the feeling that I mustn't do things i want to do until i'm sure that things are clean or perform a ritual to "Put things right".

Ok, so rethink your logic in halfway house style.

What do I mean by that? Well, you say you can rethink your logic, so rather than going all the way and trying to fight the urge to not clean/ not do any put-it-right rituals, use you logic rethink to tell yourself it doesn't have to be the old ritual!

Choose a new way of making things feel clean/ safe (devise a new ritual) that allows you the freedom to get on and do other things normally. Trick is to be absolutely clear with yourself before you start that

1. you chose this new ritual so it will work, 100%

2. even if things don't feel quite right after the new ritual you will not go back to doing the old rituals instead/ as well

3. make the new ritual something that is a LOT easier to achieve and - if you can - make it as 'normal behaviour' as you can. For example, simply change the sheets and that's it. No tracking of what's touched what, no further checking.

That way you've reacted in a way a person without OCD might react (change the bedding) and taught your brain that it doesn't have to be 'all or nothing'/ more of the same.

[bendylouise]

Hi snow bear. I've only just seen your post. I feel I've done okay since my situation above and I feel a bit scared about reading your post at the moment in case I start thinking about it again!  But ive managed to move on with a better way of thinking. Thanks for replying.  Voice activation not working at mo and need to rest my back.

[Christina]

White knuckling describes when we hold tight to the fears and fight through an exposure. Sounds good you will have therapy, make sure he/she use ERP.

[bendylouise]

I moved on from thinking the bed was dirty – somehow. The next day I allowed myself to move on with things I wanted to do/buy. And all this really felt different to me, and I am desperate and determined  to be brave again and again in order to seriously change the pattern at last.

The stupid thing is i'm not sure  I can remember exactly what I did. I remember I wanted to document my thoughts, but was too scared to write them down and felt exhausted anyway that day. Then even after a day or two, thinking I would remember exactly how i'd achieved it, I just enjoyed feeling better and pushing forward and didn't really think about exactly how I'd done it. I of course dont want to hit rock bottom for days and weeks on end before I allow  myself to do things I want to do.

On 14/01/2023 at 22:38, snowbear said:

Ok, so rethink your logic in halfway house style.

What do I mean by that? Well, you say you can rethink your logic, so rather than going all the way and trying to fight the urge to not clean/ not do any put-it-right rituals, use you logic rethink to tell yourself it doesn't have to be the old ritual!

 

Yes – I think I kind of did that a couple of days ago. I imagined I was a "normal" person and cut my checking right down to something that was normal.  I lived with that without panicking or or trying to push too far to do other things and the next day I was able to do and buy things I wanted. At some point before or after this (I can't remember) I did something I wanted to do, (but that said I couldn't do) – after midnight before I went to bed. This is acceptable to me because, although I wasn't giving into it, it was technically another day. 

As I said, I'm not quite sure what happened and when, and this isn't helping me because early in the afternoon I managed to say again that I couldn't do things, and already I'm not sure about  how to handle it. However, there will be no punishments so the following day is a new slate. However, I do wish I could've pushed through it as it surprised me that I felt that I couldn't do things again because a couple of days ago I felt i had seen the truth, as I said, in my first paragraph and things felt very different for me. I was again going to try to use The after 12 o'clock get out, but I feel scared and also thought it was just as good to carry on the next day and not be obsessive about having to do something the same day. 

 

gs

[bendylouise]

Unfortunately last night i had another problem with hand washing. I kept to my goal of only rinsing them once, but didn't feel i'd done them properly and wanted to rinse again. I didn't. Now things don't feel clean and I'm stopping things. One hand touched another while I was rinsing and therefore I feel that I didn't do it properly. Now I need to get over that somehow and I can't manage it at the moment. I could've just rinsed again and that would've solved it but I had the goal of one time in my mind.

I don't want it to matter that my hands were touching and I perceived I hadn't done them properly. I'm guessing that is too fussy? I know Snowbear – you said I don't need to think or concentrate while I'm washing my hands, but sometimes I focus on it like i've described and it causes real problems again. I feel I've got to do something to make everything clean again so that I can carry on with other things I want to do. It's as if I made it go wrong, but I'm not sure. I can't see if it matters, and if not, why not. Do i have to repeat this cycle until im totally oblivious to how i rinse my hands? What if I should've rinsed them again?

23 hours ago, Christina said:

White knuckling describes when we hold tight to the fears and fight through an exposure. Sounds good you will have therapy, make sure he/she use ERP.

Hi Christina, are you refering to this below re white knuckling?

 

On 16/01/2023 at 16:44, bendylouise said:

Hi snow bear. I've only just seen your post. I feel I've done okay since my situation above and I feel a bit scared about reading your post at the moment in case I start thinking about it again! 

Is it the same thing as holding your breath while are you are attempting to progress?

I'm having a horrible day today due to this and other "real" problems and feel really frustrated and irritable.

[snowbear]

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day, Louise.

Ok, let's be practical. Either

1. you push through this anxiety, force yourself to do things anyway and put this 'blip' behind you,

or

2. you wash your hands once, paying attention, then consider the problem fully resolved and put this all behind you.

As long as you're taking control and not letting the OCD thoughts run away with you then it doesn't matter much which option you choose, you'll still be fighting the old way of thinking.

[bendylouise]

On 17/01/2023 at 19:01, snowbear said:

Ok, let's be practical. Either

1. you push through this anxiety, force yourself to do things anyway and put this 'blip' behind you,

or

2. you wash your hands once, paying attention, then consider the problem fully resolved and put this all behind you.

As long as you're taking control and not letting the OCD thoughts run away with you then it doesn't matter much which option you choose, you'll still be fighting the old way of thinking.

Re: 1. and 2. 

1.  Yes, I am trying to find a way of allowing myself to do things whether i feel dirty or not.

2.  I can't wash my hands again to resolve it because it was ages ago and other things have been touched.

What I have done is checked things and my hands many times and refrained from doing things yesterday, then carried on checking until I feel things are clean I can leave it and retire knowing that the today things are now clean and everything can be reset It took so long to get there though

note: i typed the above days ago and so am past it now!  Thank you.

 

Edited January 24, 2023 by bendylouise

[bendylouise]

Last few days i have stopped doing the main compulsions and i feel so much better. I am of course concerned with keeping going but realise it is just a case of keeping going with not doing compulsions, not entertaining them and if and when i do - dismiss eg just carry on without having to carry on with said compulsions. Easier said than done.

So I wrote myself a note to try to remind myself exactly how i felt once i'd seen how to proceed without compulsions and it really is a case now of trusting that its right to let them go.

It promises to get harder first though and today i did a couple of less troublesome compulsions which could have easily escalated, whereas day before it was only one (troublesome compulsion) and i suppose the correct approach is to not give it an inch even if you dont feel confident. The habits are so ingrained but equally they are hated and i feel (worry) its going to be hard to even remember that i did it especially as i have a quite isolated lifestyle. A few things to work on at once and careful management of my recovery and rehab is required i guess.

I want to be able to forge ahead bravely and not wait till im in a desperate situation/state.

 

Edited January 24, 2023 by bendylouise

[bendylouise]

Oh well, that went well.  I wasnt able to keep going. Big surprise. I really thought i would. 

If i didnt have awful physical difficulties and have to spend much time doing nothing i'm sure  it would be easier. But i have and i do - so back to the drawing board to try to get my thinking right again.

[snowbear]

I'm sorry you've had a hiccup.   Not much point in me saying more as you now have the knowledge of what needs to be done and the skills to do it - just a case of keeping at it and practice. But I (and the rest of the forum) are here as your cheerleaders to give you encouragement. So come on Louise, you can do this!'  

[bendylouise]

Hello you lovely lot, i am hoping everyone is winning the fight.

I've had a very stressful week where i've had to have a workman in for a couple of days and its caused me problems for several reasons and the work is not yet finished, he is coming back! So it's been a bit of an upheaval and I've had to live differently for a whole week now in my flat and it's taken its toll. Beforehand I was coping with the reduction of compulsions and a new, better mindset. However, the stress and the tiredness this week ended up in havoc and almost set me back seriously though I stopped it with my new habits way of thinking/behaving – which is good.

Basically I'm focusing too much on what I "shouldn't be doing" rather than just moving on. For example, earlier on this evening I had to wash my hands and whilst rinsing i played mind games with myself. I normally rinse my hands once now, but if I need a good wash with soap, I rinse them twice to get rid of all the soap and I deliberately didn't do the second rinse properly and so then rinsed them again because I said I should.   I feel angry with myself for "deliberately" causing a problem and although i know i'm clean, i am now feeling like punishing myself for deliberatelt not doing the second rinse so that it was ok and then doing it again.

After having  had a really rough couple of days with old compulsions and trying to move on i cant get it right and mentally i am knackered and tripping myself up. I keeping thinking how do I deal with this next time and I have a strong compulsion to stop myself from doing things again, but I know I must not but I don't understand how to really cope with this. The feeling is very strong. Any help or advice would be much appreciated.