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Have I turned gay or some ocd trick?


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Havent posted ina  couple of years I think here. Growing up I assumed (maybe falsely) I was straight until the age of 25 when I started havign doubts and had a panic and I've been in anxious state about it since. 15 years. 

I initially sought ocd therapy and was told it was most likely ocd but since then (2009) my symptoms have changed and evolved and now I no longer believe I am straight.

For example:  Growing up as a teenager and even up until a few years ago if I saw a sexually provocative image of a woman I would feel aroused and feel desire to get with girls.  My romantic side has only ever been girls.  My past sexual history and kissing history has only been girls but maybe that was just a behavioural choice because I assumed I was straight???

I had groinals from day 1 of this gay fear. However at the start they were a feeling in my ass and a sort of highly anxious groinal in my perineum area. Then sometimes they would feel slightly painful like I was repressing an erection or blood flow.

In this period what reasured me was if I sat in a  chair and just pictured me having sex with a woman I would get aroused.  If I kissed a girl I would feel turned on. If I watched straight porn I would feel aroused.

If I looked at gay porn I would feel nothign and a little grossed out.  Bored actually.

But now its all flipped.  If I kiss a girl I feel nothing.  If I watch straight porn I feel nothing but bored and the arousal if it occurs is weak.  If I see a sexuallly provacative women on tv or in an instagram pic I feel nothing. 

Now when I see a man I get a groinal that is now starting to give me a semi.  This is a brand new development.  Today I stared at a very ordinary looking man who consciously I was not attracted to who was wearing normal everyday clothes and I got this intense feeling in my stomach and groin and then felt some arousal and got a semi like Iw as turned on.  I used to get this for women and now its flipped to men :(  I had a girlfriend until recently but we broke up.  I wasnt too down about it as I was feelign guilty I was leading her on under false pretenses.

If I then look at women I feel nothign like looking at a brick wall.  It has been this way for a few years now.

I'm not on meds and never have been and my hormones are fine.

A number of years back (2014 to be exact) when I was very anxious I looked up the forum Empty Closets for gay people and I read some topics and I remember one or two saying they throught they were straight then in mid life realised they were gay and their straight attractions faded and their gay attractions grew.  This stuck in my mind and now I feel like I am following the same process :(

I dont know why I'm posting really as I feel like a fraud.  I guess I would like to know if this is ocd or not because my symptoms are now not what they were when forst told it was ocd.  I dont even feel that anxious anymore and for years couldnt even say the word 'gay' in conversations.  Now I feel fine except when groinals occur or when not aroused with women and this makes me sad and worry.

I dont want to get with men (unless I'm fooling myself)and would like to meet a nice girl and feel aroused by her.

 

P.S.  Other new developments are that I can get aroused now testing myself thinking of men while masturbating where as before I would hve to keep rubbign for a long long time and it was a struggle to get going for thoughts of men.  It has flipped. Now women are hard work to get goign for.

Also if I get groinals for men I tend to worry about it for hours after even though I am getting on with my day and this worry tends to build up the semen in my groin and I feel a strong urge to get rid of it as my 'bags feel fit to burst' so to speak giving me a really uncomfortable sensation down there that I need to release.

Edited by Eric Dave
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1 hour ago, Eric Dave said:

Havent posted ina  couple of years I think here. Growing up I assumed (maybe falsely) I was straight until the age of 25 when I started havign doubts and had a panic and I've been in anxious state about it since. 15 years. 

I initially sought ocd therapy and was told it was most likely ocd but since then (2009) my symptoms have changed and evolved and now I no longer believe I am straight.

For example:  Growing up as a teenager and even up until a few years ago if I saw a sexually provocative image of a woman I would feel aroused and feel desire to get with girls.  My romantic side has only ever been girls.  My past sexual history and kissing history has only been girls but maybe that was just a behavioural choice because I assumed I was straight???

I had groinals from day 1 of this gay fear. However at the start they were a feeling in my ass and a sort of highly anxious groinal in my perineum area. Then sometimes they would feel slightly painful like I was repressing an erection or blood flow.

In this period what reasured me was if I sat in a  chair and just pictured me having sex with a woman I would get aroused.  If I kissed a girl I would feel turned on. If I watched straight porn I would feel aroused.

If I looked at gay porn I would feel nothign and a little grossed out.  Bored actually.

But now its all flipped.  If I kiss a girl I feel nothing.  If I watch straight porn I feel nothing but bored and the arousal if it occurs is weak.  If I see a sexuallly provacative women on tv or in an instagram pic I feel nothing. 

Now when I see a man I get a groinal that is now starting to give me a semi.  This is a brand new development.  Today I stared at a very ordinary looking man who consciously I was not attracted to who was wearing normal everyday clothes and I got this intense feeling in my stomach and groin and then felt some arousal and got a semi like Iw as turned on.  I used to get this for women and now its flipped to men :(  I had a girlfriend until recently but we broke up.  I wasnt too down about it as I was feelign guilty I was leading her on under false pretenses.

If I then look at women I feel nothign like looking at a brick wall.  It has been this way for a few years now.

I'm not on meds and never have been and my hormones are fine.

A number of years back (2014 to be exact) when I was very anxious I looked up the forum Empty Closets for gay people and I read some topics and I remember one or two saying they throught they were straight then in mid life realised they were gay and their straight attractions faded and their gay attractions grew.  This stuck in my mind and now I feel like I am following the same process :(

I dont know why I'm posting really as I feel like a fraud.  I guess I would like to know if this is ocd or not because my symptoms are now not what they were when forst told it was ocd.  I dont even feel that anxious anymore and for years couldnt even say the word 'gay' in conversations.  Now I feel fine except when groinals occur or when not aroused with women and this makes me sad and worry.

I dont want to get with men (unless I'm fooling myself)and would like to meet a nice girl and feel aroused by her.

 

P.S.  Other new developments are that I can get aroused now testing myself thinking of men while masturbating where as before I would hve to keep rubbign for a long long time and it was a struggle to get going for thoughts of men.  It has flipped. Now women are hard work to get goign for.

Also if I get groinals for men I tend to worry about it for hours after even though I am getting on with my day and this worry tends to build up the semen in my groin and I feel a strong urge to get rid of it as my 'bags feel fit to burst' so to speak giving me a really uncomfortable sensation down there that I need to release.

So let's look at groinals and the sexual response cycle in your body. Your body gets sent a signal that it's time for arousal and starts that process. What may have been labelled as sexual here may not be what you wanted nor had any control over.

 

All you have done is compulsions in this regard. You can feel arousal in your anus or your perineum or anywhere in your genitals, that's just the way arousal works.

 

If you think about something that is causing that sexual response cycle to be triggered, it is no wonder you would feel more "horny". Generally, think about sex more, the hornier you will get.

 

You tested yourself and that clearly hasn't worked. You may or may not be gay. I can't say either way whether it is true or not and no answer anyone would give you would help because you have OCD.

 

As for that feeling like you need to masturbate. You have choices there. Do you want to masturbate when you want to and not dictated by that or is that happening to coincide when you would normally want to masturbate. If it's the latter don't stop masturbating and if the thought comes up just let it be there.

 

If it's the former then it's up to if you value it. What's the worst that can happen if you chose not to masturbate and let that feeling be there? A wet dream? Is that such a bad thing?

 

Also look at it from an ERP perspective too it's an uncomfortable feeling that you describe but it can go away like anxiety does.

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A gay wet dream would devastate me.  I've only ever had them about women in the past.  I am having the odd gay dream.  For example I was dreamig the other night and saw an image of a penis pentrating a vagina and had very mild arousal and then the scene switched to two penises rubbing against each other and felt my penis in reality get aroused and woke up scared.

My whole body is doing the exact opposite of what it used to.  Women are dead to me now which is devastating.   And then I wonder if I lied to myself and was never straight to begin with.

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5 minutes ago, Eric Dave said:

A gay wet dream would devastate me.  I've only ever had them about women in the past.  I am having the odd gay dream.  For example I was dreamig the other night and saw an image of a penis pentrating a vagina and had very mild arousal and then the scene switched to two penises rubbing against each other and felt my penis in reality get aroused and woke up scared.

My whole body is doing the exact opposite of what it used to.  Women are dead to me now which is devastating.   And then I wonder if I lied to myself and was never straight to begin with.

Yep but I've just explained something that is sexual can be labelled as such even if its against what you value. If it did happen, it happens. Stop trying to figure out if you are or aren't, that's getting you nowhere. Stop testing yourself too.

Edited by DRS1
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I just want to cry.  I have had this fear for 15 years and the groinals were always confined to the perineum area nevr going into my penis shaft itself.   In the last week it is starting to go into the penis and get a slight semi and I feel arousal.  I never felt arousal until now.

My groinals are going off anytime I see a topless man or even sometimes fully clothed or even sounds or word associations that trigger it.

This is really distressing   I really feel like I am not the person I was but have totally changed.   I never react to women now when I used to in years past. Its like my brain has given up on women and is now telling me I am gay.  I work with a gay guy and I was my job today and even the sound of his voice gives me a groinal and I feel a bit uncomfortable around him like he will activate my gay self or I will start finding him attractive.  I dot find him attractive yet why am I getting groinasl around him? 

I'm scared and confused and I dont want to be gay.  I am all for gay rights and am always nice to gay people but this is killing me.  :(

I read about hocd and groinal responses.  Some articles say hocd people are never aroused by gay things and then other articles say hocd people can get groinal responses because of fear or association with sex.  But if that were the case why has my body stopped responding to women even though I associate them with sex?  :(

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4 minutes ago, Eric Dave said:

I just want to cry.  I have had this fear for 15 years and the groinals were always confined to the perineum area nevr going into my penis shaft itself.   In the last week it is starting to go into the penis and get a slight semi and I feel arousal.  I never felt arousal until now.

My groinals are going off anytime I see a topless man or even sometimes fully clothed or even sounds or word associations that trigger it.

This is really distressing   I really feel like I am not the person I was but have totally changed.   I never react to women now when I used to in years past. Its like my brain has given up on women and is now telling me I am gay.  I work with a gay guy and I was my job today and even the sound of his voice gives me a groinal and I feel a bit uncomfortable around him like he will activate my gay self or I will start finding him attractive.  I dot find him attractive yet why am I getting groinasl around him? 

I'm scared and confused and I dont want to be gay.  I am all for gay rights and am always nice to gay people but this is killing me.  :(

I read about hocd and groinal responses.  Some articles say hocd people are never aroused by gay things and then other articles say hocd people can get groinal responses because of fear or association with sex.  But if that were the case why has my body stopped responding to women even though I associate them with sex?  :(

Anxiety can cause arousal. Just because you get an arousal response doesn't mean it has to mean anything. Remember you aren't in control over what triggers the arousal response, even if that is faulty signals that are labelled sexual by the brain. You are reacting directly to the intrusive thoughts about how by having arousal during intrusive thoughts that must make you gay. 

 

I would probably avoid reading articles on it because it really is as simple as you have no control over what your sexual response cycle does and it has absolutely no care as to what activates it. Whether that be anxiety related, or intrusive thought content or intentionally wanting to fantasize about something or sexual touch. All it wants to know is if there's a signal to start it, nothing else is important to it. What it comes down to in the core fear for you seems to be the fear of being something that you aren't. You identify as a heterosexual person but there is nothing changing that just because you had a thought and an arousal response that was unwanted.

 

Best thing you can do is stop the compulsions. You seem to be trying incredibly hard to avoid having the arousal response occur and unfortunately the more we think about arousal and not wanting it to happen, the more likely it is to happen. You can't really control whether or not you have arousal in a moment or not, as much as we may want to. What could be worth doing is the next time you are triggered by it, just let the arousal response be there. It's not the issue, it's your reaction to it that is the problem. You cannot win an argument against OCD as there is no amount of reasoning. The only thing you can do in that scenario is sit there experience that arousal and not do any compulsions. You are not going to get this to go away and for you to get certainty about your sexuality by fighting OCD, that's just never going to work.

 

What was given to me in therapy was an ERP exercise (which at this point I've been through a few times on here) but basically to just sit with the arousal if it occurs in a trigger situation and as much as you may want to leave that situation as quickly as possible just let it be there. Arousal can't hurt you, it can't make you a different sexuality or anything like that. It's just a sexual response. Just like thoughts are thoughts. None of this has to mean anything. The only time to really excuse yourself to the bathroom or bedroom is if the arousal starts to become really noticeable (and I don't mean the self-conscious what if scenarios where you may feel it could look like it but actually knowing your body and knowing what would be really noticeable i.e. for a male a full erection could be really noticeable but you will best be able to judge that for you). You will discover that fearing having that arousal response doesn't hurt you, it doesn't mean anything and over time the more you do ERP, the less the arousal response actually comes about in those situations.

 

I would even go as far as perhaps trying to look at topless images of men and just stare at it (could be even from online shopping images as an example), or even compliment them in some way and if arousal response occurs let it be there. You will get bored of this in terms of ERP, genuinely. It will become annoying to do, not terrifying.

 

Note that this is just the kinds of things I tried as ERP exercises when I was going through therapy and that this isn't necessarily what might work for you (and also not a medical professional) There's a bunch of different ERP exercises for you that you can come up with around this. 

 

It sounds like you are still testing yourself too i.e. trying to see if you can be aroused by women but that's a compulsion game you don't want to be playing. It doesn't go well and isn't worth your time and certainly won't help you recover from OCD. It's not going to get you to be aroused by women and it's not going to stop you from having the arousal response towards same sex imagery, thoughts etc. 

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Its so horrible.  In some ways I have lost a lot of panic and real terror from this but its been replaced by sadness and calm anxiety.  I had improved with my testing and was successfully able to not get too down or worried about groinals but lately because the groinals have evolved and not this week I got 2 semis it has freaked me out as this has never happened in 15 years of this and it seems in my mind anyway to have moved away from OCD and more to 'this is actually happening now and I am actually gay for real'.   I told my friend and she said if you;re gay you just have to accept it and my heart sank.

If I even still had my straight arousals I could always say 'well I can still get aroused by women so that must mean something'.  But that has now vanished for maybe 10 months now or maybe more.

You mentioned looking at pics of topless men as exposure.  I did this and never got arousals from doign it and always felt blank emotionally and physically, like bored but now when I do it I feel my heart beats faster, I feel slightly nervous and feel uncomfortbale and may get a groinal.  I no longer feel bored.

In the past I would sometimes check my reactions to women and it was reasurrring but now its gone.  I no longer react.  Its not like I am checking all the time just when I have a relapse of feel a bit insecure.  My natural reacitons to women like spontaneous erections have totally vanished for a few years now.  Porn for example is not doing anything anymore.

How do I know this is ocd?   In my mind its now ''this is actually happening now'

 

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17 minutes ago, Eric Dave said:

Its so horrible.  In some ways I have lost a lot of panic and real terror from this but its been replaced by sadness and calm anxiety.  I had improved with my testing and was successfully able to not get too down or worried about groinals but lately because the groinals have evolved and not this week I got 2 semis it has freaked me out as this has never happened in 15 years of this and it seems in my mind anyway to have moved away from OCD and more to 'this is actually happening now and I am actually gay for real'.   I told my friend and she said if you;re gay you just have to accept it and my heart sank.

If I even still had my straight arousals I could always say 'well I can still get aroused by women so that must mean something'.  But that has now vanished for maybe 10 months now or maybe more.

You mentioned looking at pics of topless men as exposure.  I did this and never got arousals from doign it and always felt blank emotionally and physically, like bored but now when I do it I feel my heart beats faster, I feel slightly nervous and feel uncomfortbale and may get a groinal.  I no longer feel bored.

In the past I would sometimes check my reactions to women and it was reasurrring but now its gone.  I no longer react.  Its not like I am checking all the time just when I have a relapse of feel a bit insecure.  My natural reacitons to women like spontaneous erections have totally vanished for a few years now.  Porn for example is not doing anything anymore.

How do I know this is ocd?   In my mind its now ''this is actually happening now'

 

So I can't answer the how do you know if this is or isn't OCD because that in itself is a compulsion. All I can say is, is there an urgency to find out, or figure it out.

 

Maybe you are gay, maybe you aren't, why do you need to figure that out

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8 minutes ago, DRS1 said:

So I can't answer the how do you know if this is or isn't OCD because that in itself is a compulsion. All I can say is, is there an urgency to find out, or figure it out.

 

Maybe you are gay, maybe you aren't, why do you need to figure that out

Because I valued my attraction to women highly and I feel robbed and grieving for it.  Also I dont want to live life feeling like a fraud or lie to people and afraid I will break some girls heart in the future by coming out down the line.

I can't even tell you the reason but for me being gay is a terrifying terrifying thing.  I was called gay and bulied when I went to a new school and maybe I was conditioned to think being gay was something shameful.  But knowing all this does not help.  I feel like I have lost an important part of me and I am devastated.  And I also dont even know if it was even real now.

I read about gay people in the closet and they say it was eating them alive and I fear I am like them.  I wan tto feel genuinely straight and not pretending or hiding something.  Oh also I fear the embarrassment if I came out as a fraud like Phillip Schofield.  It feels dishonest and I would feel lieke a bad person or someone not to be trusted.  I dont know. I am thinking out loud here.

 

Edited by Eric Dave
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13 minutes ago, Eric Dave said:

Because I valued my attraction to women highly and I feel robbed and grieving for it.  Also I dont want to live life feeling like a fraud or lie to people and afraid I will break some girls heart in the future by coming out down the line.

I can't even tell you the reason but for me being gay is a terrifying terrifying thing.  I was called gay and bulied when I went to a new school and maybe I was conditioned to think being gay was something shameful.  But knowing all this does not help.  I feel like I have lost an important part of me and I am devastated.  And I also dont even know if it was even real now.

I read about gay people in the closet and they say it was eating them alive and I fear I am like them.  I wan tto feel genuinely straight and not pretending or hiding something.  Oh also I fear the embarrassment if I came out as a fraud like Phillip Schofield.  It feels dishonest and I would feel lieke a bad person or someone not to be trusted.  I dont know. I am thinking out loud here.

 

Well it actually makes a lot of sense. You actually haven't lost anything. OCD doesn't change anything about you.

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Everything you say suggests that your core feelings, of being heterosexual, remain unchanged. It's clear that you find revulsion to what OCD is saying.

What seems to have changed is the way the OCD is working, maximising response to men, minimising response to women. It's kind of applying a filter, turning off the attraction to women.

Testing this out doesn't seem like a great idea to me. It shows you are believing what the OCD is saying, and following it up with compulsions that don't achieve anything more than making you very unhappy.

I would suggest you switch your focus away from what the OCD is saying, and deliberately  build up thinking about women  what you desire and take  perhaps  a more detached view than others do - think about  how and why women are attractive to men in general, from a detached position.

Run through these things as if it is simply an observation project you are doing for somebody else.

Perhaps the more you minimise any thinking about men, and maximise your thinking about women, overcoming this imposed filter  will mean that the OCD thoughts and urges will die down. OCD likes to dominate our thoughts snd feelings, and loses power when it doesn't. 

 

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Dave you've been posting this same topic on various forums for ten years. Always the same topic. You've gotten thousands of replies you don't heed.  More wont do you any good.

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4 hours ago, Handy said:

Dave you've been posting this same topic on various forums for ten years. Always the same topic. You've gotten thousands of replies you don't heed.  More wont do you any good.

That’s harsh 

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The difficulty we have here is that the thread is becoming another compulsion.

In all the time that you have had this theme, how much time has there been when you have taken on board the advice given,  stopped carrying out compulsions and tests, stopped believing that the unwanted arousal and apparent attractions are real  and you are gay?

Fact is, in the same way that OCD gives us unwanted thoughts and images, because it lies within the communication systems in the brain, it can produce arousal signs and signals of a gay person within a non-gay one.

What I do think is happening now is it's become stronger, more upsetting in the way it manifests. 

And that's all it is. 

 

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9 minutes ago, Eric Dave said:

I just have to look at a guys face on tv and I feel something down there like a squirming/slight arousal.   Is this what gay guys feel like everyday?

Why are you still questioning this and trying to figure all of this out? What good is it doing you? You know now you literally don't have control over arousal or the sexual response cycle so why keep coming back to trying to figure it out? It's OCD and the anxiety that you are trying to lessen but its not working by doing all these compulsions. Feel the arousal, let it be there and don't accept meaning of it just because of it.

 

I think you need to look at how you are responding to these triggers and thoughts/images/sensations and decide whether or not it is serving you well by continuing to go back into the compulsions. Notice the presence of urgency and don't engage with it. Arguing with it, trying to figure it out etc. isn't going to work. Nor is seeking reassurance compulsively. It's up to you now to be willing to take the risk that all the connections to things that OCD has made could be false and don't have to mean anything about you.

 

I don't know what else to say at this point other than go back through this thread and have a look at information has been provided and see if that helps. We can't give you reassurance and certainly not answer that question as it's not going to help you at this point. We would end up just feeding OCD and we can't do that. I don't want to do that because I would rather you get better and not do anything by reassurance giving that would keep you stuck in this loop.

 

What is holding you back currently from being able to take the risk that OCD may be right or it may be wrong? I would also look at getting back into therapy if already had done previously as they will be able to help you a lot better than we can on an individual level

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It just feels too real and the groinal/arousal is a cause and effect with men.   It doesnt appear to be random, say happening for a tree or a dog etc....  Its not happening for women.  I cant even remember what I was like before all this and think maybe I was born gay and never realised.

I started a new job and there is a gay guy in the office and I feel really uncomfortable around him and get this squirming groin/arousal sensation.   I dont fancy him but the fact that he's gay is triggering.

I do not mean to be homophobic in my posts. I'm not.  I never talk bad about gay people to others or anything and am nice to everyone I meet.  I'm just trying to be truthful about what is happening with me by being honest.  I'm insecure.

 

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5 minutes ago, Eric Dave said:

It just feels too real and the groinal/arousal is a cause and effect with men.   It doesnt appear to be random, say happening for a tree or a dog etc....  Its not happening for women.  I cant even remember what I was like before all this and think maybe I was born gay and never realised.

I started a new job and there is a gay guy in the office and I feel really uncomfortable around him and get this squirming groin/arousal sensation.   I dont fancy him but the fact that he's gay is triggering.

I do not mean to be homophobic in my posts. I'm not.  I never talk bad about gay people to others or anything and am nice to everyone I meet.  I'm just trying to be truthful about what is happening with me by being honest.  I'm insecure.

 

What you are doing now is actually something I have seen a fair amount on the forum now which is relaying previous parts of your posts in the hope to seek reassurance or even provide yourself reassurance in things like saying you don't mean to be homophobic. You know how the sexual response cycle works. You know that it is ignorant of your values and what you are sexually interested in. The only thing left to do is not fall for OCD's but this time it's different game and start to lean into these things. 

Again I reiterate, all it takes is a signal to be sent to the part of your brain that controls your arousal response. Doesn't matter what is labelled as sexual in order for that to happen. You need to accept that the arousal response means absolutely nothing and that you can't no matter how hard you try figure this all out. Who knows maybe you are gay and you never realised. Or maybe you aren't. Is doing all these compulsions going to get you any closer to answering that?

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For me personally   these themes of OCD are all about us NOT being what OCD is telling us.

And the way forward is always going to be that acceptance. 

Does the person with paedophile OCD fsncy children? Of course they don't. 

Does the person experiencing inappropriate thoughts about touching their children want to have them?

Do I want to experience violence theme intrusions? No of course not.

This is what the disorder does.Flips our true values, sexual or otherwise. 

I don't think Dave has ever accepted that. Its down the compulsion route. And what do compulsions do? Strengthen the obsessive thinking.

If we could, magically, eradicate all the compulsions of our forum members what would we see? A whole load of people gradually getting better.

Dave, stop worrying about what you are experiencing. Accept you are getting false readings from the communications within your brain. It's not nice but if you accept it and get on with your life you are sending a big message o OCD that you won't go along with the falsehoods. And I am willing to bet that once this becomes the normal, those false readings will ease down 

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1 minute ago, taurean said:

For me personally   these themes of OCD are all about us NOT being what OCD is telling us.

And the way forward is always going to be that acceptance. 

Does the person with paedophile OCD fsncy children? Of course they don't. 

Does the person experiencing inappropriate thoughts about touching their children want to have them?

Do I want to experience violence theme intrusions? No of course not.

This is what the disorder does.Flips our true values, sexual or otherwise. 

I don't think Dave has ever accepted that. Its down the compulsion route. And what do compulsions do? Strengthen the obsessive thinking.

If we could, magically, eradicate all the compulsions of our forum members what would we see? A whole load of people gradually getting better.

Dave, stop worrying about what you are experiencing. Accept you are getting false readings from the communications within your brain. It's not nice but if you accept it and get on with your life you are sending a big message o OCD that you won't go along with the falsehoods. And I am willing to bet that once this becomes the normal, those false readings will ease down 

Hopefully I wasn't misunderstood and if so that's my bad for not being clearer but I don't disagree what you have said at all. I wasn't trying to suggest that it is easy to just cut out the compulsions though so hopefully that never came across like that or as too harsh but if it did let me know. On the latter part, I wouldn't just be willing to bet, I'd go as far as saying with my own experience of groinal response issues within OCD, that doing ERP and accepting that it was normal for it to be there and didn't have to mean anything made it go away over time because I no longer cared about it.

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2 hours ago, DRS1 said:

 On the latter part, I wouldn't just be willing to bet, I'd go as far as saying with my own experience of groinal response issues within OCD, that doing ERP and accepting that it was normal for it to be there and didn't have to mean anything made it go away over time because I no longer cared about it.

It's good to read your experience. 

This is exactly what Dave needs to do. Stop carrying out experiments (it's a compulsion) just let it all be without emotion, and gradually those groinals will ease away. Why? Whatever it is in a brain's transmission system that forms the false messages, OCD loves an audience,  needs a response. And when it doesn't get one, it loses interest. 

Edited by taurean
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In work today I was chatting to te gay guy and felt slightly uncomfortable. (This is my own insecurity about my sexual orientation not a homophobia)

I was sort of getting slight sensations in my groin and was scared I he thinks I'm gay and that somehow he can tell I am gay.

This conversation played on my mind and I felt like semen was building up in my groin and when I got home and had my dinner and watched tv it felt like I needed to masturbate to get rid of the urge.  I gave in and tested to thoughts of him and ejaculated more than usual.  I hadnt masturbated for 2 or 3 days.  I felt shame and guilt after and down.  I am convinced I am gay.  I dont consciously fancy men (unless I am mistaken) but I get squirming sensations down there like holding back arousal.  There is a girl at work I actually like and think she is hot but when I talk to her my groin does nothing.

Its so long now (years) but I remember chatting up girls before and feeling sexually aroused.  I have a girlfriend but think I need to break up as I feel like a  fraud and in the closet :(

I cant understand how my body reactions have switched from women to men :( 

I know I will never get my attractions to women back.  This is permanent. :(  My life ended 15 years ago and now I am in someone else's body and feel like a totally different person. 

And its impossible to ignore.  It would be the equivalent of trying to ignore the sensation when you really need a pee.  Thats how strong it is.

 

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43 minutes ago, Eric Dave said:

In work today I was chatting to te gay guy and felt slightly uncomfortable. (This is my own insecurity about my sexual orientation not a homophobia)

I was sort of getting slight sensations in my groin and was scared I he thinks I'm gay and that somehow he can tell I am gay.

This conversation played on my mind and I felt like semen was building up in my groin and when I got home and had my dinner and watched tv it felt like I needed to masturbate to get rid of the urge.  I gave in and tested to thoughts of him and ejaculated more than usual.  I hadnt masturbated for 2 or 3 days.  I felt shame and guilt after and down.  I am convinced I am gay.  I dont consciously fancy men (unless I am mistaken) but I get squirming sensations down there like holding back arousal.  There is a girl at work I actually like and think she is hot but when I talk to her my groin does nothing.

Its so long now (years) but I remember chatting up girls before and feeling sexually aroused.  I have a girlfriend but think I need to break up as I feel like a  fraud and in the closet :(

I cant understand how my body reactions have switched from women to men :( 

I know I will never get my attractions to women back.  This is permanent. :(  My life ended 15 years ago and now I am in someone else's body and feel like a totally different person. 

And its impossible to ignore.  It would be the equivalent of trying to ignore the sensation when you really need a pee.  Thats how strong it is.

 

Look above to Taurean's message. That's exactly what you do. You ignore the sensation you let it be there and you do nothing about it. If you were certain you were Gay, would OCD accept that and give up or would it make you uncertain about that too. Final thing here is you masturbate on your terms when you want to. Not by a specific time period in days, because of an urge, a random thought, etc. OCD doesn't get to dictate that to you. It doesn't get to dictate whether or not you eat or drink at specific times and it doesn't get to dictate that either.

 

What did you expect to happen? Masturbation of course will lead to arousal and orgasm/ejaculation. Genuinely what were you trying to achieve from testing when you know from your own experience there has been no amount of testing that has convinced you you aren't gay or that you are. I'm not giving you reassurance to that latter part because you know full well we have given you enough advice on this and you just aren't taking it on board. Stopping testing will be hard but it's literally the only route through this @Eric Dave and you know it. You need to think about what you are trying to gain from these posts you are making. Are you trying to get us to say that you can't be gay so that it settles you for a bit before the next OCD spike? Cause its never going to be enough and to be quite honest we don't know if you are or aren't gay. What we do know is you have debilitating OCD you aren't addressing and tackling properly. I get its scary, but seriously the testing is just going to make you feel worse and worse.

 

Compulsions don't prevent/change anything. The only thing they do is waste your time and make you worse.

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