Struggling all the time

[welterwhite]

Really having a problem with thinking I’ve moved my hand inappropriately etc

yesterday I went round a friends house. Somebody came in and near me I kinda hunched my legs up then they stepped back from wherever they had been and i expected them to just exit the room shortly after I looked to see them a foot or so away so I stretched out my legs like quite extensively because I felt cramped but I’m worrried it looked like I was trying to touch them with my knee or something as it happens they walked past again and I did feel contact but I didn’t know they were going to walk in that direction as I was sure they were going to turn around after giving me something now I’m panicking they think I was Tryna do something.

this is constant with my hands as I’m walking past people aswell my hand seems to drift into the direction of someone and I worry it looks like I was about to touch them.

 

 

[welterwhite]

Can someone help I’m so sick of this, I hate my life, why do we have to live like this?

[DRS1]

3 hours ago, welterwhite said:

Can someone help I’m so sick of this, I hate my life, why do we have to live like this?

The problem is the way you are reacting to it. By doing the compulsions you keep reinforcing it. If you know it's rubbish but struggle to deal with it when a trigger appears, then it's time to change how you want to respond to this. Do you take the risk that OCD can be wrong or do you continue to get lured back into the cycle by OCD.

[welterwhite]

Now I’m worried more because I was talking about this on Facebook messenger and think I might get reported .. 

Edited January 29, 2023 by welterwhite

[DRS1]

1 hour ago, welterwhite said:

Now I’m worried more because I was talking about this on Facebook messenger and think I might get reported .. 

Maybe you will, maybe you won't. Here is the fact though: you can not control anything about the situation at this point no matter how many compulsions you do. OCD has put doubt into all of it and thus why you are now worried and are doing compulsions to reduce the anxiety and uncertainty.

 

I could say oh you will definitely be fine or you won't be fine and the thing you fear most happening will happen but I don't know either way. Not one of us does.

 

The point is instead of doing these compulsions to all the what is and catastrophizations, what can you do to react differently?

[welterwhite]

5 hours ago, DRS1 said:

Maybe you will, maybe you won't. Here is the fact though: you can not control anything about the situation at this point no matter how many compulsions you do. OCD has put doubt into all of it and thus why you are now worried and are doing compulsions to reduce the anxiety and uncertainty.

 

I could say oh you will definitely be fine or you won't be fine and the thing you fear most happening will happen but I don't know either way. Not one of us does.

 

The point is instead of doing these compulsions to all the what is and catastrophizations, what can you do to react differently?

I’m familiar with the therapy and appreciate ur response. I’m not even worried about what happened now I’m just worried my messages in messenger will create some sort of suspicion that turns this into some big thing. I need proper therapy at this point to handle things because I have two fold spikes and my disorder is getting better and better at trapping me. I start a new job today and I just didn’t want to have to go to work worrying. I always feel like I’ve done something wrong 

[welterwhite]

Im still having a real problem with this worrying I’m going to be reported I need some reassurancr

[DRS1]

29 minutes ago, welterwhite said:

Im still having a real problem with this worrying I’m going to be reported I need some reassurancr

Well you aren't going to get any reassurance here. You know that reassurance isn't going to help. Not doing the compulsions is what will help here. By not doing the compulsions, you aren't responding in a way that reinforces to your brain that this is indeed something to worry so much about. You can sit with that uncertainty and anxiety/worry. Just let it be there and it does eventually decrease. 

[determination987]

On 30/01/2023 at 05:58, welterwhite said:

I always feel like I’ve done something wrong 

I get this feeling a lot. Most of my obsessions surround me doing something wrong inadvertently/purposefully and then the compulsions that follow are usually me ruminating my way out of it (in a courtroom in my head), checking online, reassurance seeking etc etc. It never works. I can see it in black and white in front of me but there will always be another 'what if' that follows.

It's really difficult to take what feels like a massive risk but it's necessary to move forwards. We are human and we don't need to check everything to ensure that we have done things 100% right. It doesn't exist and we have to be okay with that. If something bad happens, we deal with it then. Trust that you can handle it. Even if it's a 99.9% chance that nothing bad will happen, OCD is not satisfied with that. Living with uncertainty is the only way forwards otherwise you'll be stuck. This one may pass but another will soon follow.

Try and be compassionate to yourself. I find that when I'm trying to expose myself to my fears and to live my life, that I often neglect to be kind to myself. There's still a negative voice inside telling me that I'm not worth it or that I'm a bad person etc. This feeds the OCD for me and makes the obsessions come even more. Start talking to yourself in a better way. Acknowledge that you're suffering from OCD and it's really painful and distressing so you need kindness. Give yourself permission to have a break from checking whether or not you've done something wrong.

 

[welterwhite]

Sometimes we all need that little bit of reassurance though because we have dug ourselves in abit of a hole.

 

[DRS1]

6 minutes ago, welterwhite said:

Sometimes we all need that little bit of reassurance though because we have dug ourselves in abit of a hole.

 

I can't agree with that at all. Giving you reassurance is the equivalent of digging an even bigger hole. It doesn't do anything to help, it only keeps the cycle going. Short term relief is not worth it when it prevents you from long term recovery.

[snowbear]

17 hours ago, welterwhite said:

Sometimes we all need that little bit of reassurance though because we have dug ourselves in abit of a hole.

 

Actually, I agree. BUT - and it's a very important BUT - the form the reassurance takes is crucial.

Simply reassuring, 'It's ok, that didn't happen' won't last because the obsession will create new doubts.

What you're aiming for is to be able to reassure yourself, 'This is my obsessive thinking making me doubt myself and my motives. It's compulsions that are keeping the feeling going. I am not going to do any more compulsions and (here's the self-reassurance bit) when I decide it's ok to live with some doubt these feelings will fade and go away.

That's very different from asking others for reassurance or 'reassuring' yourself with denial/ compulsions.

The kind of self-reassurance I'm talking about is you becoming responsible for your own emotional wellbeing and developing confidence that you are capable of doing so. Which is part of emotional resilience. 

[DRS1]

20 minutes ago, snowbear said:

Actually, I agree. BUT - and it's a very important BUT - the form the reassurance takes is crucial.

Simply reassuring, 'It's ok, that didn't happen' won't last because the obsession will create new doubts.

What you're aiming for is to be able to reassure yourself, 'This is my obsessive thinking making me doubt myself and my motives. It's compulsions that are keeping the feeling going. I am not going to do any more compulsions and (here's the self-reassurance bit) when I decide it's ok to live with some doubt these feelings will fade and go away.

That's very different from asking others for reassurance or 'reassuring' yourself with denial/ compulsions.

The kind of self-reassurance I'm talking about is you becoming responsible for your own emotional wellbeing and developing confidence that you are capable of doing so. Which is part of emotional resilience. 

In hindsight, I could have put the word compulsive in front of the reassurance as that's what I had meant. Didn't consider in the moment that it read the way it did.

[snowbear]

No worries, @DRS1  You were correct in what you said, I was just adding an extra clause to your already good advice.

[welterwhite]

I understand what ur saying the thing is tho is I do need reassurance as I have done a compulsion I wouldn’t usually do, and it makes me think because I’ve even spoke about it as a worry it could be perceived as suspicious just the fact I’ve mentioned it as a worry makes me think if by some chance someone listened to it through fb moderation or something they would assume it’s suspicious even though I know it’s not to me or who I’ve spoke to and I feel like I’ve just done something that’s going to come back to haunt me 

[DRS1]

Just now, welterwhite said:

I understand what ur saying the thing is tho is I do need reassurance as I have done a compulsion I wouldn’t usually do, and it makes me think because I’ve even spoke about it as a worry it could be perceived as suspicious just the fact I’ve mentioned it as a worry makes me think if by some chance someone listened to it through fb moderation or something they would assume it’s suspicious even though I know it’s not to me or who I’ve spoke to and I feel like I’ve just done something that’s going to come back to haunt me 

So what that sounds like is you want compulsive reassurance for a compulsion you did to know that it's okay and that it won't "come back to haunt" you. Now that sounds like an OCD trick if I've ever heard one. OCDs entire approach there is "oh you want to stop compulsions well what if that compulsion was wrong and now you've messed up even more. You must find out for sure that it's okay or not because if it's not that would be awful and what would everyone think of you".

 

I'd like you to read that and see if that fits the current narrative OCD is giving you because to me that's exactly what it sounds like.

 

You can't control how others may perceive something or control anything you feel you might have done that could look suspicious. What you can control is whether or not you react to OCD in the same way through compulsions or by not doing the compulsions and choosing to sit with the uncertainty and anxiety

[welterwhite]

4 hours ago, DRS1 said:

So what that sounds like is you want compulsive reassurance for a compulsion you did to know that it's okay and that it won't "come back to haunt" you. Now that sounds like an OCD trick if I've ever heard one. OCDs entire approach there is "oh you want to stop compulsions well what if that compulsion was wrong and now you've messed up even more. You must find out for sure that it's okay or not because if it's not that would be awful and what would everyone think of you".

 

I'd like you to read that and see if that fits the current narrative OCD is giving you because to me that's exactly what it sounds like.

 

You can't control how others may perceive something or control anything you feel you might have done that could look suspicious. What you can control is whether or not you react to OCD in the same way through compulsions or by not doing the compulsions and choosing to sit with the uncertainty and anxiety

While I understand this, this is really effecting me due to the privacy issue and this now being cemented as data and recorded on facebooks server, it’s affecting my ability to work as I just started new job and I feel like somewhat tainted etc or that this will somehow come back to haunt me as I’ve said my insight is lacking and I’m struggling in that regard.

[welterwhite]

Please help

[DRS1]

5 minutes ago, welterwhite said:

Please help

What would you like us to do though? I think we've all given quite extensive information for you to work with here.

 

[determination987]

17 hours ago, welterwhite said:

While I understand this, this is really effecting me due to the privacy issue and this now being cemented as data and recorded on facebooks server, it’s affecting my ability to work as I just started new job and I feel like somewhat tainted etc or that this will somehow come back to haunt me as I’ve said my insight is lacking and I’m struggling in that regard.

I understand this feeling. It feels incredibly real and although you have an inkling it’s OCD (being on an OCD forum), it can feel like this one instance is different and needs attention. You’ve given it tremendous importance and so your brain understandably wants to protect you from it and it won’t let it go as it perceives it as a real danger. 
 

You have two options really:

1. Keep doing compulsions - mental checking, ruminating, seeking reassurance, avoidance etc. This will keep you in the OCD cycle and keep your anxiety high and on alert. The intrusive thoughts often become stronger and more intense as it looks for more ‘evidence’ to achieve certainty that doesn’t exist.

2. You take the risk. You take a leap of faith that it’s OCD at play and trust that you will deal with things as and IF they happen. All of the potential what ifs in the world, don’t mean that it’s going to happen. We cannot predict the future. Observe the thoughts and acknowledge that they are difficult and it makes you anxious but leave it there. Do something else. Do what you were going to do anyway. 
 

The thoughts will come at you but eventually they lose momentum as you stop giving them attention and your anxiety comes down on your own. 
 

The more you practice, the easier it becomes. Compulsions never ever help. They keep you stuck. You need to manually disrupt the cycle. 

[welterwhite]

58 minutes ago, determination987 said:

I understand this feeling. It feels incredibly real and although you have an inkling it’s OCD (being on an OCD forum), it can feel like this one instance is different and needs attention. You’ve given it tremendous importance and so your brain understandably wants to protect you from it and it won’t let it go as it perceives it as a real danger. 
 

You have two options really:

1. Keep doing compulsions - mental checking, ruminating, seeking reassurance, avoidance etc. This will keep you in the OCD cycle and keep your anxiety high and on alert. The intrusive thoughts often become stronger and more intense as it looks for more ‘evidence’ to achieve certainty that doesn’t exist.

2. You take the risk. You take a leap of faith that it’s OCD at play and trust that you will deal with things as and IF they happen. All of the potential what ifs in the world, don’t mean that it’s going to happen. We cannot predict the future. Observe the thoughts and acknowledge that they are difficult and it makes you anxious but leave it there. Do something else. Do what you were going to do anyway. 
 

The thoughts will come at you but eventually they lose momentum as you stop giving them attention and your anxiety comes down on your own. 
 

The more you practice, the easier it becomes. Compulsions never ever help. They keep you stuck. You need to manually disrupt the cycle. 

I understand it’s ocd I understand I haven’t done anything wrong the issue I have is that in this modern world anything can be misconstrued and just having that problem seems like it can be twisted these days into something it’s not in abit paranoid  about things like that and how they can be perceived even having the problem it’s like someone worrying they are a pedophile the general population especially misinformed will thjnk that simply having that worry means there must be something to it, this is what worries me

[DRS1]

5 minutes ago, welterwhite said:

I understand it’s ocd I understand I haven’t done anything wrong the issue I have is that in this modern world anything can be misconstrued and just having that problem seems like it can be twisted these days into something it’s not in abit paranoid  about things like that and how they can be perceived even having the problem it’s like someone worrying they are a pedophile the general population especially misinformed will thjnk that simply having that worry means there must be something to it, this is what worries me

But you can't control other people and what they will do. You can only take the risk that OCD is wrong about this.

[welterwhite]

Yeh I know what u are saying what choice do I have end of the day it just sucks because I wish I’d never said snytjjng

[welterwhite]

Thank you for your advice 

[determination987]

1 hour ago, welterwhite said:

I understand it’s ocd I understand I haven’t done anything wrong the issue I have is that in this modern world anything can be misconstrued and just having that problem seems like it can be twisted these days into something it’s not in abit paranoid  about things like that and how they can be perceived even having the problem it’s like someone worrying they are a pedophile the general population especially misinformed will thjnk that simply having that worry means there must be something to it, this is what worries me

I appreciate that, I honestly do. This affects me too. I think that it’s really helpful to remember that OCD distorts our perceptions though and no amount of rationalising it works on irrational thoughts. These thoughts and their significance/consequences are blown out of proportion. 
 

I think it could be worth practicing self compassion and not judging yourself as harshly. Generally, we are a lot harder on ourself than anyone would ever be. Everyone is living their own lives and in their own worlds. You get to live in your world too.

Theres no certainty. No amount of compulsions will change anything. What you can choose is your response. You’re using so much energy on this and it’s causing you pain and distress. Try and look at being kinder to yourself.

You don’t know what others think. You don’t need to either. What you think about yourself matters. Don’t listen to OCD’s narrative but rather acknowledge you have a condition that makes you doubt things and causes you distress. You need kindness, not constant bullying yourself. 
 

I know when my mind is creating a court room drama in my head that it only gets worse. I’ve done hypothetical conversations for things that have never ever come true. We can’t predict the future or time travel into the past. We can be here right now.

It feels super risky I know but try right now and take a deep breath a few times to calm yourself a little. Do a walk if you can, get some fresh air. Choose to live with the risk that is life. Nothing we do is risk free. It’s far riskier to not live at all and do compulsions forever. Choose to give yourself a break, postpone compulsions until later. Try and do something now in the moment that’s meaningful to you and do it with purpose.