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jlmdfem

Bulletin Board User
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  1. Hi Gemma That's exactly what it is! I feel like I don't know how i really feel about anything anymore! And the worst thing about it is I feel like a fraud and that i'm actually a horrible person even though i haven't done anything. I am having CBT yes so will mention this to my counsellor next week. Thank you for the book recommendations, I will definitely be having a look into those tonight. Thanks for your kind response, I was feeling really low when i posted that so this has really helped.
  2. Hi My OCD has reached boiling point in that i really feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I feel on edge and guilty ALL the time. I feel like I've been living this double life. My current worry is that every time I see a child, I'm scared i'm, i hate saying this but "checking them out"?! How could I do this?! Sometimes I get too anxious and don't look at all and other times i will look at what they're wearing then look back at their behinds for a split second, but why?! I don't feel anything other than guilt and shame, so why do I have the compulsion to look? It is literally for a split second yet I don't understand why I do it, is this part of the OCD? I don't know if this is reassurance seeking but I feel so lost right now. I can't see my counsellor until monday so really just looking for some guidance on what to do about these worries if anyone can help? Should I just ignore them and treat as OCD, will they go away? I feel like a monster and am constantly thinking back to things I've thought about previously to see if they arouse me and if I've thought something bad. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm at my wit's end and scared about what this looking/checking all means. I don't ever want to harm a child and I don't have an attraction towards them but my brain keeps arguing with me saying I do. Am I a disgusting pervert? I feel like I'm completely losing myself and whenever I feel ok I think well I'm actually a terrible horrible disgusting person because of what I think and when I've looked. Please help.
  3. I don't want to end up being a reassurance but I am having the exact same issue and seeing the response to you Lily has made me feel a lot better! I've tried so hard not to give in and check the forums but i have and of course I feel reassured but i know it is only temporary - we have to be strong and not give in!!
  4. Hi Rachel23 I am exactly the same! I know the feeling it is horrible. I've been suffering badly with the same thing recently, feeling like you have to go over everything and for me it just makes things worse as any relief I feel dissipates in minutes or I feel worse. It is a tricky thing to stop doing but over the last few days I've found by literally saying to myself "NO i'm not doing this anymore" and doing something else, it is helping. It is hard and you have to sit with the anxiety but it does help. It's horrible when everything in you is saying you're something you don't want to be, I know that feeling so well of living in a nightmare. But keep trying to distract yourself and gradually as you change your focus onto something else, you will find you do stop ruminating. I hope this helps - I always find just knowing someone else feels the same offers a bit of comfort x
  5. Thank you both! I was really panicking so this has made me feel a lot better. I am going to continue trying to ignore the thoughts and treat them and the feelings as OCD! Thank you
  6. Please can someone offer some advice and tell me I'm not a monster?! I have POCD and have been doing well for a while but recently have found that whenever I see a photograph of a child, I feel like I have the urge to look at their crotch and i don't know why!! I think I had an intrusive thought about looking that triggered this originally and that's why now whenever I see a photo I have this urge but I don't know It's really scaring me! Especially because sometimes I have actually looked quickly then looked away and clicked off the photo. Please bare in mind that these can literally just be (and are) innocent family photos that someone has shared on social media, but as soon as I see a child I feel like I have to look and if i do it is for split second and then i feel like such a monster - HOW COULD I DO THIS?! I don't feel anything from it but shame and guilt and disgust. I never ever want to harm a child but why do I have these urges to look? I've come home today from work crying and my parents have noticed, they know about my OCD but not the details and I just said I wasn't feeling great but I feel like if they knew what I'd done they'd hate me. Am I a terrible person? i don't know if this is reassurance seeking but I just don't want to be a monster. I keep thinking that if i just treat it as OCD then I would forget about it and it probably wouldn't happen again, but can i treat it as OCD, is it? I'm sorry if this upsets anyone I promise I don't ever want to harm a child I'm just so scared about what is happening to me and why I feel like this I feel so helpless please can somebody offer some advice?
  7. Hi Thank you for you reply! That really comforts me knowing you know the feeling, I'm going to keep sticking at it and not let the thoughts draw me into rumination. I have applied through the NHS but won't get a placement until an initial phonecall on the 8th of April. So now I am looking for something privately and this lady that I saw was private. I will look more in detail, are there any websites you would recommend?
  8. Hi I've been really trying hard recently to not entertain the thoughts and when I feel anxious just to ride it out. But yesterday i had a horrible thought that I may be attracted to my friend's son - whom I've never met, only seen photos and he is only 8. It came from nowhere and really freaked me out, but then my OCD got away with me and I was checking by imagining scenarios where I could harm him and trying to figure out how I felt about it. It made me feel awful and I know I would never ever do it but now my OCD has taken on this new form where I'm terrified I'm attracted to young boys - every time there's one on the tv or I see any in the street I have a wave of anxiety and feel like I need to figure out if I am. I'm really trying not to get into the cycle of rumination but feeling really guilty and ashamed of myself for ever having the thoughts in the first place. Does anyone have any tips for trying to not engage in the thoughts and start ruminating? Or for dealing with the guilt that comes with it? On another note I went for a session with a new counsellor the other day. It was an assessment session so was only half an hour but I'm not sure if it was what I am after. She asked me on a scale of 1-10 (1 being the least likely that I would act on my thoughts and 10 being the most likely) how likely I would be to act on them. I said obviously 1 but it made me feel uneasy - surely this isn't the question you should be asking someone with severe OCD intrusive thoughts, because it just makes them feel more anxious? I'm going to try and find another counsellor anyway, does anybody have any tips for what to look for or the best way to find someone who can treat OCD with ERP? Thanks
  9. This is so inspiring Ollie thank you! I'm in the midst of a terrible relapse at the moment, I feel like I've forgotten everything and I'm scared I'm becoming what I fear. But I know deep down I'm not and just need to carry on treating these as OCD thoughts and feelings and not try and figure them out. This has definitely inspired me to do so! Thank you and best of luck with your continued recovery! x
  10. Hi Ollie I feel exactly the same as you! I have been fine for the last year then for the last month or so my OCD has taken a turn for the worst and i feel so stuck. But I know I've been through this before and have come out the other side as I'm sure you have too! Don't be so hard on yourself, we all have times like this. Whenever I feel like this I just have to remind myself how great things can be and that they will get back to that with time. Keep your chin up, you will beat this. I know there's not much advice in there - I'm still figuring it all out myself - but I always take comfort in knowing someone else feels the same. Things will get better x
  11. Thank you both for your replies. I know I need to stop the testing and I am really trying to ignore it but it's like I have this constant wave of anxiety and uncertainty over me at the moment. I am going to continue to try and ignore the thoughts and stop trying to "figure" everything out as I know it gets me nowhere. Thanks again
  12. Hi I'm a 22 year old girl and have been suffering with POCD since I was 17. I have had CBT and for the last year or so I've been great, felt like I had been dealing with it all very well and even said I couldn't remember the last time I had a bad OCD day. This last week I have been away on holiday with my family and on the plane on the way, there were a lot of kids and out of nowhere my OCD thoughts (of molesting) came flooding back and I couldn't control them or stop them. I got into a cycle of testing myself by imagining acting on my thoughts (which i really hate doing) and there was a little boy on the row next to me and every time I looked at him i had these images in my head and i felt like such a monster and so guilty and couldn't believe this was happening. Since then my Dad had an accident on our first night so it has been very stressful for the rest of my family and I put the OCD thoughts aside as he was the priority. Now he's out of the hospital and I keep going round in this loop of trying to ignore the thoughts, feeling guilty and testing, feeling even more guilty and now i'm sat up on my own trying to make sense of it all by going through my life and figuring out if I'm actually what I fear?! I'm attracted to men my own age and I know this and I know deep down I don't want to act on my thoughts but I'm going crazy in my head and it's feels like I can't make sense of anything. Please can anyone offer any advice on how to get back on track? I really don't want to be what I fear but I'm scared i am
  13. Thank you so much for your reply, I know reassurance doesn't always help but knowing someone is going/has been going through the same issues as me is comforting and calms me down. Thank you!
  14. Thanks for your response! I am getting CBT at the moment yes, but as my OCD has not been bothering me as much I haven't spoken about it with my counsellor, it's been to do with other parts of my anxiety. But I am going today and will be sure to discuss last week with her. Thank you!
  15. Hi I'm a 21 year old girl suffering from POCD and have been since I was 17. I have been a lot better the last few months and began seeing a new counsellor at the beginning of the month, my OCD was very minimal. But after watching a crime tv show on monday where there was a rape scene that took place, my thoughts came flooding back. I felt so so anxious and tried not to entertain the thoughts but it was almost like I couldn't help it. The next day while i was in work it was all i could think about. I know i don't want to act on my thoughts (molesting children) but my compulsions involve checking to see how I react to them by imagining myself or someone else acting on them to prove to myself how horrible it is and how I don't ever want to do it. I HATE thinking about it and feel terrible every time I do but it feels like the only way to prove to myself it's just the OCD. I never ever want to cause harm to anyone let alone a child!! And now i feel like a monster, how could I ever think of things like this and actually imagine it?! I hate myself and I'm so annoyed and frustrated because I was doing so well but now I feel like I'm back to square one all I know is that i don't want to act these thoughts but the guilt for having them in the first place and continuing to test myself with them is consuming me, I feel like a monster for ever having them and thinking of them and I dread to think about what my family and friends would think if they knew what was going on in my head. I will see my counsellor again on monday so can discuss with her but it feels so long away, i was wondering if anyone had any advice on feeling guilty? Should i feel guilty? Am I a monster? I just feel like I don't know anymore and I'm on the brink of breaking down, please any advice/support people have would be greatly appreciated x
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