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jlmdfem

Bulletin Board User
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  1. jlmdfem

    Deflated

    Hi Ollie I feel exactly the same as you! I have been fine for the last year then for the last month or so my OCD has taken a turn for the worst and i feel so stuck. But I know I've been through this before and have come out the other side as I'm sure you have too! Don't be so hard on yourself, we all have times like this. Whenever I feel like this I just have to remind myself how great things can be and that they will get back to that with time. Keep your chin up, you will beat this. I know there's not much advice in there - I'm still figuring it all out myself - but I always take comfort in knowing someone else feels the same. Things will get better x
  2. Thank you both for your replies. I know I need to stop the testing and I am really trying to ignore it but it's like I have this constant wave of anxiety and uncertainty over me at the moment. I am going to continue to try and ignore the thoughts and stop trying to "figure" everything out as I know it gets me nowhere. Thanks again
  3. Hi I'm a 22 year old girl and have been suffering with POCD since I was 17. I have had CBT and for the last year or so I've been great, felt like I had been dealing with it all very well and even said I couldn't remember the last time I had a bad OCD day. This last week I have been away on holiday with my family and on the plane on the way, there were a lot of kids and out of nowhere my OCD thoughts (of molesting) came flooding back and I couldn't control them or stop them. I got into a cycle of testing myself by imagining acting on my thoughts (which i really hate doing) and there was a little boy on the row next to me and every time I looked at him i had these images in my head and i felt like such a monster and so guilty and couldn't believe this was happening. Since then my Dad had an accident on our first night so it has been very stressful for the rest of my family and I put the OCD thoughts aside as he was the priority. Now he's out of the hospital and I keep going round in this loop of trying to ignore the thoughts, feeling guilty and testing, feeling even more guilty and now i'm sat up on my own trying to make sense of it all by going through my life and figuring out if I'm actually what I fear?! I'm attracted to men my own age and I know this and I know deep down I don't want to act on my thoughts but I'm going crazy in my head and it's feels like I can't make sense of anything. Please can anyone offer any advice on how to get back on track? I really don't want to be what I fear but I'm scared i am
  4. jlmdfem

    Guilty about compulsions

    Thank you so much for your reply, I know reassurance doesn't always help but knowing someone is going/has been going through the same issues as me is comforting and calms me down. Thank you!
  5. jlmdfem

    Guilty about compulsions

    Thanks for your response! I am getting CBT at the moment yes, but as my OCD has not been bothering me as much I haven't spoken about it with my counsellor, it's been to do with other parts of my anxiety. But I am going today and will be sure to discuss last week with her. Thank you!
  6. Hi I'm a 21 year old girl suffering from POCD and have been since I was 17. I have been a lot better the last few months and began seeing a new counsellor at the beginning of the month, my OCD was very minimal. But after watching a crime tv show on monday where there was a rape scene that took place, my thoughts came flooding back. I felt so so anxious and tried not to entertain the thoughts but it was almost like I couldn't help it. The next day while i was in work it was all i could think about. I know i don't want to act on my thoughts (molesting children) but my compulsions involve checking to see how I react to them by imagining myself or someone else acting on them to prove to myself how horrible it is and how I don't ever want to do it. I HATE thinking about it and feel terrible every time I do but it feels like the only way to prove to myself it's just the OCD. I never ever want to cause harm to anyone let alone a child!! And now i feel like a monster, how could I ever think of things like this and actually imagine it?! I hate myself and I'm so annoyed and frustrated because I was doing so well but now I feel like I'm back to square one all I know is that i don't want to act these thoughts but the guilt for having them in the first place and continuing to test myself with them is consuming me, I feel like a monster for ever having them and thinking of them and I dread to think about what my family and friends would think if they knew what was going on in my head. I will see my counsellor again on monday so can discuss with her but it feels so long away, i was wondering if anyone had any advice on feeling guilty? Should i feel guilty? Am I a monster? I just feel like I don't know anymore and I'm on the brink of breaking down, please any advice/support people have would be greatly appreciated x
  7. Hi First of all I want to say how brave you are. You are so strong and brave in that you are able to say exactly what you're feeling. I also want to say is that i feel exactly the same as you!!! I've dealt with this type of OCD for almost 4 years now, I'm a 21 year old girl and it is so debilitating and horrible so i completely 100% know how you are feeling! I know that's not exactly advice but i always take comfort in knowing someone else gets it. What i can say is that once you learn to accept the thoughts - i know this is hard - and stop ruminating every tiny detail, it gets better! I know that sounds like the biggest challenge in the world right now, but you can do it. You will have times where it goes well but then you'll have a rough few days, i'm in my rough days at the moment but i know if i keep practising what I know, it'll get better. You are not a bad person and you are not what you fear. Give yourself a break, read back what you've written, it's horrible that you have to deal with that so often, awful in fact and no-one deserves to go through that so you shouldn't put yourself down for, it's not your fault! You've done nothing wrong. I had a similar situation to you where i was at a family party and accidentally saw a little girl's underwear as she was sat across from me and i looked away straight away but then looked back for a split second - i didn't think anything of it at the time but now i've had a bit of an OCD flare up I have overthought it way too much, wondering if i did it because i wanted to, did i feel anything etc etc. But i didn't do it because i wanted to or because i was sexually attracted because i know i'm definitely not, it's like when someone says "don't look over there right now" at something going on in the distance you have an urge to look, not because you want to but just because it's a human thing! . It doesn't make you a bad person! You didn't do anything wrong! I'm not sure if this helps much, but just know, you aren't alone. Take some deep breaths and focus your attention on something else - i find reading a book helps, or exercising, oxygen to the brain is always good! Good luck, keep working at it, you are NOT a bad person! J x
  8. jlmdfem

    At my wit's end

    Hi Thank you both for your responses, I really appreciate the advice and support. I have had CBT a few times and I am waiting for my referral from my GP to start it up again but it is taking a while. I'm going to chase them up on it today. Thank you both very much, I really felt very lonely and down last night so I appreciate it a lot x
  9. Hi I'm 21 and have had POCD since i was 17 and recently I've been worrying that I like the thoughts and it makes me feel so so disgusting and I honestly can't deal with it anymore. Like I feel like a fraud in my own family and that if they knew what was going round my head they wouldn't want to know me. I feel so guilty because when I "check" it's like I imagine either myself or someone else acting on the thoughts and then I feel so so guilty for checking because I'm like how could I ever think something like that if I don't want to do it?! And how could I think something like that anyway?! Yet i still do because it feels like it helps and it doesn't. And then I realise of course I don't want to do it but at the same time feel incredibly guilty for checking and then the guilt overtakes and I just crumble. I've recently managed to get a job after the last three months of constant searching since I graduated, so i should be really happy but i feel like I'm never going to be happy around my family because I'm this horrible fraud who doesn't deserve nice family and friends. When my parents tell me they love me I wince and want to cry because I feel like they wouldn't love me if they knew what was going on in my head. I self harmed today for the first time in a year because I felt so guilty for the checking that I have done this whole time and now I feel even worse. I don't know what to do. I just want to go back to before it started when I loved kids and couldn't wait to be a mother. I know there's not much to say but if anyone could offer any support or advice I would really appreciate it as I'm currently sat on my bed trying not to cry infront of my family
  10. jlmdfem

    Recovery is hard

    Hi Harriot I am exactly the same as you! I have kind of come to a point where I have given up fighting with the OCD and I'm just letting it be there, so I feel guilty and worried that I'm becoming ok with it too - but that's not the case, we are just learning how to deal with it. I don't really have much advice but I always find knowing someone else is in the same position as me helps. Good luck to you, J x
  11. St Mike Thank you so much for your post - that is what I have to do, everything you have described. Just let go of the OCD entirely - easier said than done we all know haha. But there really is no point in it as it is meaningless (even as I'm typing that my OCD is telling me otherwise but trying to ignore it). It's such a relief hearing someone else had their OCD so ingrained in them that they couldn't believe they could forgive themselves, but you did! And I am definitely going to be able to if I work at it. Thank you and good luck to you all x
  12. Hi I've been a lot better recently as I haven't been listening to my thoughts or trying to figure them out - big steps for me! I think it's because i just simply can't be bothered to get into the whole process of it, but I do have this feeling of guilt ALL the time. Like I feel guilty because i feel like I should be trying to figure them out and feel guilty because the nature of the thoughts I did have were so awful. Is this normal?
  13. jlmdfem

    I'm done

    Hi Please don't give up! Then what you're dealing with has won! Believe me I've been in the same position as you countless times and I know how awful it is when you try really hard at something and it doesn't come through. But one day it will, ok so literature didn't go so well this time, but you know you put your all into it and tried your best - and I find when thinking about it in that way, that I still feel as though I accomplished something. Despite dealing with OCD and anxiety and all the other things we deal with everyday from when we wake up, you still put everything into what matters to you. Don't give up! Give yourself a break, you did your best and it didn't work out, that happens to everyone many times in their lives. Keep your chin up x
  14. This is wonderful, thank you so much for sharing!
  15. Hi KT2222 & Polar Bear Thank you for responding, i was feeling really low and lost and your posts have lifted my mood. I spoke to my Mum about it, not in full detail as I know it upsets her but just saying I was going through a rough patch and it did help. I seem to be worst in the mornings at the moment, I wake up with this feeling of dread and feel like I have to try and sort out/figure out if I'm a paedophile or not even though I know I shouldn't be figuring things out because that is the rumination. I feel like I'm losing touch of who I am but then I know that is the OCD playing tricks on me, right? I think I feel so guilty because of the testing I do, because I imagine myself in situations where I would act on my thoughts to see if I actually would like it but I know that is completely counterproductive so I'm stopping myself doing that now as I hate doing it as well and it just makes me more anxious and confused and I hate myself even more for thinking i could do something like that. The frustrating thing is is i know exactly what I have to do, I have to STOP RUMINATING but i just find it so hard as the thoughts and feelings feel so real. But i've been in such a happy, good place so I know I can get back there. Thank you both for your support. I know i can get back on track. All the best x
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