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jlmdfem

Bulletin Board User
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    Sufferer

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  1. So happy for you Ollie and this is so inspiring to hear! I'm going through another rough patch and struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel but you are living proof that there is one! Thank you and all the best!
  2. Thank you! I really wanted to give something back, as well as push myself! I need to go back to my therapist and as soon as I get paid from my new job I will. I try to block out thoughts, i guess coming on here for reassurance is something I do a lot as well but I am too scared to talk to my parents about it which makes me feel more guilty. Sometimes if I run past a family or group of children i will cross the road and I definitely am thinking back to situations when I was younger or even checking if I'd done anything that day i.e. look at a child in a certain way. Today 2 teenaged boys walked past my car and I looked at them for a few seconds to try and figure out if I was attracted to them, then realised what I was doing and was like how could i do that?! And of course I knew I wasn't attracted to them but yet I felt so guilty for looking at them to check. The guilt and the shame are destroying me.
  3. Hi Thank you so much for your response. I will continue to try and care less and treat them with disregard. I really appreciate your reply, I was feeling very low earlier.
  4. Hi Gemma Thank you so much for your response. You are right in that I really don't want to have them and I really don't want to be what they're telling me I am! I have tried mindfulness a few times but have never been able to stick with it, I will give it another go. I am training for a half marathon at the moment, that I'm actually running for in aid of OCD-UK and raising money for the charity, so I am running almost everyday, I'm very into my exercise and fitness. But even when i'm running they don't leave me alone. I guess it's because I feel as though i need to get to the bottom of them, I am like this with everything in life I can never just let things be. I'm not getting therapy at the moment unfortunately, I was hoping the thoughts would fade sooner than they have and I wouldn't need it. I recently have returned from travelling for 5 weeks so stopped my therapy before I went away and since coming home my OCD has definitely gotten worse - i think because I'm very stressed about what I'm doing with my life.
  5. Hi I'm really scared to write this but I've hit such a low and i'm really struggling. My POCD is the worst it's ever been. I am TERRIFIED about what is going on in my head. I have these constant horrible images and thoughts. The main one being, I hate typing this, that i want to molest young boys. It is so so horrible but my OCD is making me feel like it's something I want to do. I don't even know how to get away from it anymore, I used to be able to distract myself but it's always there in my mind and the only freedom I get is when I go to sleep! I feel so guilty all the time and like a fraud in my family and if my parents knew what was going on in my head they would hate me. It's like I know how horrible and awful it is and that I don't ever want to harm a child, yet my OCD just won't let me see that that is the case, and still is trying to convince me it's something i want to do. I don't want to be a monster at all!! I don't want to hurt anyone, let alone children. I am constantly on edge whenever I am around them and mentally assessing how I am acting/if I'm looking at them a certain way, but even that provides no relief because I get all anxious and have no idea how I feel. I'm so frustrated and upset even more so because this time last year I was completely different and thought I knew how to deal with it. Now it feels like I'm back at square one and I just don't know what to do. I'm scared about who i am or who i'm becoming. I am attracted to men my own age (i'm a 23 year old girl) so why am I having these thoughts? And how can i drown them out? Please if anyone can offer any advice or support it would be much appreciated, I've hit a complete low and have no-one to talk to. Thanks, J x
  6. Hi Gemma That's exactly what it is! I feel like I don't know how i really feel about anything anymore! And the worst thing about it is I feel like a fraud and that i'm actually a horrible person even though i haven't done anything. I am having CBT yes so will mention this to my counsellor next week. Thank you for the book recommendations, I will definitely be having a look into those tonight. Thanks for your kind response, I was feeling really low when i posted that so this has really helped.
  7. Hi My OCD has reached boiling point in that i really feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I feel on edge and guilty ALL the time. I feel like I've been living this double life. My current worry is that every time I see a child, I'm scared i'm, i hate saying this but "checking them out"?! How could I do this?! Sometimes I get too anxious and don't look at all and other times i will look at what they're wearing then look back at their behinds for a split second, but why?! I don't feel anything other than guilt and shame, so why do I have the compulsion to look? It is literally for a split second yet I don't understand why I do it, is this part of the OCD? I don't know if this is reassurance seeking but I feel so lost right now. I can't see my counsellor until monday so really just looking for some guidance on what to do about these worries if anyone can help? Should I just ignore them and treat as OCD, will they go away? I feel like a monster and am constantly thinking back to things I've thought about previously to see if they arouse me and if I've thought something bad. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm at my wit's end and scared about what this looking/checking all means. I don't ever want to harm a child and I don't have an attraction towards them but my brain keeps arguing with me saying I do. Am I a disgusting pervert? I feel like I'm completely losing myself and whenever I feel ok I think well I'm actually a terrible horrible disgusting person because of what I think and when I've looked. Please help.
  8. I don't want to end up being a reassurance but I am having the exact same issue and seeing the response to you Lily has made me feel a lot better! I've tried so hard not to give in and check the forums but i have and of course I feel reassured but i know it is only temporary - we have to be strong and not give in!!
  9. Hi Rachel23 I am exactly the same! I know the feeling it is horrible. I've been suffering badly with the same thing recently, feeling like you have to go over everything and for me it just makes things worse as any relief I feel dissipates in minutes or I feel worse. It is a tricky thing to stop doing but over the last few days I've found by literally saying to myself "NO i'm not doing this anymore" and doing something else, it is helping. It is hard and you have to sit with the anxiety but it does help. It's horrible when everything in you is saying you're something you don't want to be, I know that feeling so well of living in a nightmare. But keep trying to distract yourself and gradually as you change your focus onto something else, you will find you do stop ruminating. I hope this helps - I always find just knowing someone else feels the same offers a bit of comfort x
  10. Thank you both! I was really panicking so this has made me feel a lot better. I am going to continue trying to ignore the thoughts and treat them and the feelings as OCD! Thank you
  11. Please can someone offer some advice and tell me I'm not a monster?! I have POCD and have been doing well for a while but recently have found that whenever I see a photograph of a child, I feel like I have the urge to look at their crotch and i don't know why!! I think I had an intrusive thought about looking that triggered this originally and that's why now whenever I see a photo I have this urge but I don't know It's really scaring me! Especially because sometimes I have actually looked quickly then looked away and clicked off the photo. Please bare in mind that these can literally just be (and are) innocent family photos that someone has shared on social media, but as soon as I see a child I feel like I have to look and if i do it is for split second and then i feel like such a monster - HOW COULD I DO THIS?! I don't feel anything from it but shame and guilt and disgust. I never ever want to harm a child but why do I have these urges to look? I've come home today from work crying and my parents have noticed, they know about my OCD but not the details and I just said I wasn't feeling great but I feel like if they knew what I'd done they'd hate me. Am I a terrible person? i don't know if this is reassurance seeking but I just don't want to be a monster. I keep thinking that if i just treat it as OCD then I would forget about it and it probably wouldn't happen again, but can i treat it as OCD, is it? I'm sorry if this upsets anyone I promise I don't ever want to harm a child I'm just so scared about what is happening to me and why I feel like this I feel so helpless please can somebody offer some advice?
  12. Hi Thank you for you reply! That really comforts me knowing you know the feeling, I'm going to keep sticking at it and not let the thoughts draw me into rumination. I have applied through the NHS but won't get a placement until an initial phonecall on the 8th of April. So now I am looking for something privately and this lady that I saw was private. I will look more in detail, are there any websites you would recommend?
  13. Hi I've been really trying hard recently to not entertain the thoughts and when I feel anxious just to ride it out. But yesterday i had a horrible thought that I may be attracted to my friend's son - whom I've never met, only seen photos and he is only 8. It came from nowhere and really freaked me out, but then my OCD got away with me and I was checking by imagining scenarios where I could harm him and trying to figure out how I felt about it. It made me feel awful and I know I would never ever do it but now my OCD has taken on this new form where I'm terrified I'm attracted to young boys - every time there's one on the tv or I see any in the street I have a wave of anxiety and feel like I need to figure out if I am. I'm really trying not to get into the cycle of rumination but feeling really guilty and ashamed of myself for ever having the thoughts in the first place. Does anyone have any tips for trying to not engage in the thoughts and start ruminating? Or for dealing with the guilt that comes with it? On another note I went for a session with a new counsellor the other day. It was an assessment session so was only half an hour but I'm not sure if it was what I am after. She asked me on a scale of 1-10 (1 being the least likely that I would act on my thoughts and 10 being the most likely) how likely I would be to act on them. I said obviously 1 but it made me feel uneasy - surely this isn't the question you should be asking someone with severe OCD intrusive thoughts, because it just makes them feel more anxious? I'm going to try and find another counsellor anyway, does anybody have any tips for what to look for or the best way to find someone who can treat OCD with ERP? Thanks
  14. This is so inspiring Ollie thank you! I'm in the midst of a terrible relapse at the moment, I feel like I've forgotten everything and I'm scared I'm becoming what I fear. But I know deep down I'm not and just need to carry on treating these as OCD thoughts and feelings and not try and figure them out. This has definitely inspired me to do so! Thank you and best of luck with your continued recovery! x
  15. Hi Ollie I feel exactly the same as you! I have been fine for the last year then for the last month or so my OCD has taken a turn for the worst and i feel so stuck. But I know I've been through this before and have come out the other side as I'm sure you have too! Don't be so hard on yourself, we all have times like this. Whenever I feel like this I just have to remind myself how great things can be and that they will get back to that with time. Keep your chin up, you will beat this. I know there's not much advice in there - I'm still figuring it all out myself - but I always take comfort in knowing someone else feels the same. Things will get better x
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