Lish

Hello everyone. Hope you're all doing okay. Happy New year to you all. I am currently receiving CBT therapy again with a new CBT therapist. I've only met her once but she seems really nice. The reason I am seeing her this time is to deal with the underlying causes of my anxiety.. it's about time I faced them rather than run away from them. Any way, I have noticed I keep flashing back to memories I don't like.. almost in a way to torture myself. As soon as I'm happy, my brain will remind me of something bad I did.. and remind my almost why I don't deserve to be happy. Is going back and thinking these thoughts/memories to see how you react to them known as a checking compulsion? My therapist says she thinks it sounds like intrusive thoughts but I don't know if I'm doing it to myself to see how I react or if I've forgotten about certain things I want to forget about. The thoughts about irrational stuff are able to just flow through my mind now. Its mainly things ive done wrong in the past that pop up and make me feel awful. Ive been struggling with this for a while now. If so any tips on cutting this out? Just a little hurdle I need to jump over. Thanks guys.

@Oceanblue I know it's hard but try to stay positive. You know, I know, and everyone else on this forum knows this is ocd. Your thoughts are just thoughts, they are of no importance to you so don't give them any.

@Oceanblue bless you! Yes I think as soon as you tell your ocd that you don't need it any more and you see through it's lies it comes back with full force to attack what's going to scare you! I hope you're feeling better. I'm on no medication what so ever so just had to wait for it to pass I'm sure we will be ok though. Recovery wasn't going to be easy. Keep fighting x

Thank you @St Mike yes I do agree it was a blip. I am feeling much better over these few days and have not felt the need to do any compulsions so this obsessions has settled down quite a bit. Thank you for your advice. I think I'm on the road to recovery so when these blips return i tend to panic. Thank you and I hope you're doing well.

Definitely! I had loads of bizarre thoughts before and now they've subsided and don't bother me it's latched on to something that will. Definitely. Acceptance is key there's no point wasting time worrying about something that can't be changed. So when something pops up about the past instead of engaging in a compulsion change your attention to something else.

Hello! This is what I'm struggling with so you're not alone don't worry. Confessing is a compulsion in ocd. No matter what you confess or think you need to confess.. your ocd will always then come up with something else. Don't fall for it. Don't ruminate, rationalize or analyse these thoughts. Shift your attention. When it comes to me, I have started to dismiss it as ocd and shift my attention towards the future and how I can be kinder towards myself. The past is the past and cannot be changed.. and should not really be looked back on unless we are doing so to learn from it.

Hello! Wow lovely to hear you have done so well managing your ocd during so many life changes well done! I am not going to answer if it's ocd or not... because I think you know the answer to that one.. and just remember reasurrance is a compulsion. The actions you are carrying out after the worries are compulsions and are what are fuelling your obsessions. Don't perform your compulsions and your obsessions will subside. It sounds like you've done it before you can do it again ? I read a book about ocd and obsessions about death before. In it, it said 'people become that obsessed about dying and how to prevent it that they forget to LIVE THE LIFE THEY HAVE.' I hope that helps you a little.

Thank you @JennieWren I do believe I am a lot better than I used to be! I do think I'm almost there at recovery. I am in the exact same boat as you!!! Every time I think I have conquered it I think because of my past mistakes and the hurt I caused people I therefore don't deserve to be happy. Even though I should be turning that reaction in to a learning experience to be a better person now. I would love to hear how you get on with conquering with this belief. This is where I am at now. Dealing with the complete root of the problem but I do think we are too hard on ourselves.

Thanks @JennieWren I have noticed my anxiety seems to go down when I do this. It's so annoying when your ocd changes theme all the time, especially when it's now latched on to real life events.

Thank you @JennieWren for saying that. I know it's trying to be extra nasty now and hanging on for dear life. It's wanting me to confess things I already have done to ruin my relationship and go in to detail else in a 'horrible person. Today I refused to ruminate and come on here until a certain time. I've started saying to myself yeah maybe I am a horrible person and maybe my relationship will end who knows.. then getting on with my day. Do you think this is the best method?

thank you for this post. This is what I'm struggling with at the moment. I do feel like mindfulness has helped me a lot in the past. I do think my problem now lies with trying not to think about things.. which makes thing worse. Also bring thoughts in to my head to check how I now react to them which I have been told is a checking compulsion. I like the idea of the zone method and haven't heard of that before so I'm going to give this a go!

thank you @Bodger yes I've definitely realized that. Before I knew the thoughts weren't real so now that it's latching on to real life memories I do find it a lot more difficult and debilitating. I can go back years and years ago and feel guilt over the smallest things. It really is truly horrible. It's even more frustrating because I was almost headed towards recovery:( It makes me feel that if I don't feel guilty/confess (even though I don't believe there is anything to confess) then guilt is going to keep plaguing me. I just want a quiet life and to move on towards the future.

Ok the reason I went to therapy in the first place was because I didn't understand the bizarre intrusive thoughts I was having! Now that I have managed to sort them out (e.g. hurting people, sexual orientation changing, jumping off a bridge, etc these don't bother me any more) I now can't stop obsessing about the past mistakes and how I could have avoided them. I have not had the best past. Partly because I believe made decisions when I had been suffering from ocd and anxiety since them and I didn't know what it was. It seems to have latched on to my boyfriend and our relationship now. We were both very young when we met and have had an on off relationship for about 3 years until we moved in together in the last 2 years where I'd say that is when it became a proper relationship. Now that we are actually headed somewhere.. we know all about each others past but we don't care. We have shrugged it off to be able to move forward... Now I am constantly worried if I have told him everything.. if it is even real or not.. if it was when we were together or not.. if I am going to say something in conversation.. if i am going to go mad with guilt.. if there is anything to even feel guilty about.. my mind is playing ultimate tricks on me!! And now I feel like an awful person. I don't know what's going on. I am literally so depressed. I was doing so well but I am never going to get a break from this thing.. it starts the second I wake up until i go to sleep. Even seeing my boyfriend now spikes anxiety. All he wants is a future with me and it's not fair on him. How do I move on from this without feeling like a bad person?! Every time I don't ruminate I feel like I'm a liar and an awful person! I was put back on waiting list for CBT and got rung up for an appointment but nobody at work would cover my shift. Now I am back on the waiting list but the only support i have with this is you guys. Everyone else just sees me as a drama queen who can't let things go. I haven't got the strength to fight this thing any more!! It is killing me.

Thank you very much for the advice @OceanDweller. I will definitely stick to my guns. My episode this weekend was the final straw for me. Alcohol does nothing but bring me misery. It makes me feel good in the moment, but really,is it worth It? No it's not.

That is an interesting question indeed.. is not drinking alcohol classed as avoidance??? I suppose in a way it is,but I suppose if you really choose to do it to better yourself then no it isn't. @OceanDwellerI have no idea what to say. A few of them know I struggle with crippling anxiety so are aware of the reasons why. The others are quite peer pressuring so don't know whether to say I'm on medication. But then why should I lie??? Any ideas?