Rox

Thank you PolarBear this has been going on for 3 years now. I thought I’d cracked it after my first round of CBT but it’s come back just as strong. I’ll keep going and working hard x

I’ve been working so hard on my exposures. There was a time not long ago that I couldn’t be left alone with my son. I now look after him alone on a regular basis. I can’t stay in the house all day with him yet, I have to take him out. But each time I’m with him I’m trying too extend the time I stay indoors. This week my CBT therapist has asked me to sit outside my sons room while he sleeps. This is a challenge, I usually close his door as soon as he’s asleep. But now I have to keep it open and sit outside it. Ive been on the forum a lot less as I identified coming on here, searching for familiar stories, as a compulsion. I’ve gone back to work despite my fears and I’m exercising and eating healthily to try and combat my depression. We’re getting a kitten, I’ve wanted a cat for a long time and I have been putting it off because my thoughts have already turned to harming the kitten. So yesterday I put down the deposit to buy one. So I’m doing all of this, and yet I’m still anxious or extremely stressed whenever I’m alone with my son. I always feel that I’m one step away from harming him. I keep telling myself it’s OCD, but it tells me it’s not OCD and that I want to harm my son. Does anyone have any advice on where I’m going wrong?

I’m on my second round of CBT and I’ve recently gone back to work and also feel like running away every time I’m there, mind you I feel like running away from home too. I suppose we have to keep going and somehow find a way to not let this completely destroy us x

Thank you for your reply. Sometimes knowing you aren’t alone is enough to give you the courage to do what you feel is impossible x

I have to continuously take sleeping tablets otherwise I wake up panicking all night. I was in a complete state about going back to work but I did it. My panic has now moved on to my husband going back to work but deep down I know I’m going to have to find a way to deal with it too. I find having music on or the tv in the background gives me something to listen to which helps me if I wake up sometimes. X

So the big event is approaching, my husband goes back to work next week after needing to take months off with me due to combined depression and ocd. I’ve been managing better, even taking my son out on my own. But this next step is the last one and I’m terrified.

I often think that I have to go to these lengths to finally end things. But you’re right, it would be winning, thank you for the reminder x

This is what it’s like for me too. You’ve described it very well x

I’ve found that running either gives me more time to ruminate which raises my adrenaline further and makes me a nervous wreck after, or if I’m able to stop thinking and be in the moment, it really helps me escape and calms me. Running outside tends to produce a calmer response than running on my treadmill x

I’m sorry you’re struggling. Sending you virtual hugs xxxx

Thank you snowbear. I have been telling myself a lot today that just because something feels true doesn’t make it true and it has been a better day today. X

I’m trying so hard. Yesterday I spent the entire day in a thought loop. The thoughts don’t even make sense, it’s like my brain skips half way through them to the next one. After another discussion with my husband I agreed that today I would tell myself that I have already dealt with this, I don’t need to go there.... well if anything it’s made it worse. The last couple of weeks I’ve been managing by keeping busy. But I’m exhausted. I can’t keep this up. Ive been doing my exposure every day. I’ve been trying to agree with the thoughts. I’ve told myself not to pay them any attention. I’ve been reading my ocd books again and going through the self help exercises. I’ve been having counselling and CBT since October. Honestly I don’t know what more I can throw at this. I’m exhausted. And I can’t shake the feeling that this is persisting because it’s true. My head hurts so much ?

I have this every day x

Thank you ?

I suppose one of my biggest compulsions is to avoid commiting to anything in the future, either because ‘I will have hurt my son and what would people think of me if I go around pretending I’m normal when I want to hurt my son.’ Or ‘because I will have hurt my son by then’ or even ‘Now I definitely can’t hurt my son because he has to make it until.....’ One of my biggest issues has been returning to work. I’ve been off work now for 6 months. Anyway, forum friends often ask what we are doing to challenge our OCD. So.... today, to challenge my OCD, I committed to returning to work. Just saying that makes me so anxious. But I did it. I went in.