hedvig

I know how it feels Headwreck, I really do. I really think you would benefit from more cognitive work to change the ideas of good and bad, black or white, either or. Can you see your GP again? Maybe apply for CBT? You were seeing a private therapist before, right? This is/was to the point how I felt with my husband. It really isn’t healthy. I bet you even if you’d break up with your current partner, this would continue to haunt you unless you decide to really let go of it. Make it your life goal to become your own best friend. Would you treat your best friend like this?

Seriously Headwreck, so everyone who has made a mistake in life for example cheated, deserves to kill themselves or at least punish themselves relentlessly every day until they die? Look. I haven’t told you but my obsessional fear of cheating on my current partner is because I have cheated on a previous boyfriend who also cheated on me. The fact that I had done it made me believe that I was fully capable of doing it again even though the circumstances were completely different in my new relationship. It took me a long time to forgive myself. So you think I didn’t deserve to move on from this? Who can live up to those standards? The human race would be extinct by now.

I don’t know, maybe you have surrendered to that OCD thought, that you think ”it was just a kiss” and therefore it doesn’t bring as much anxiety anymore. But really I think the goal should be to continue labeling all thoughts about the evening and cheating and OCD in general as just OCD thoughts and tell yourself you can live with the uncertainty. You are allowed to do that. You deserve to get your life back and you really deserve to be happy.

Hi Lauren! Want to let you know I’ve read your post and I’m sorry to hear your life seems to be filled with worries at the moment. I know how difficult it can be at times, but please know that things can also change for the better and you are in charge of that. Posting here and opening up about your feelings is a good step. Maybe it could give you some courage to also speak to your GP about how your feeling? Medication is something that might help, but possibly you would also benefit from seeing a CBT therapist? Letting the anxiety rule your life and make decisions for you, such as if you should have another child or not, doesn’t sound very good. You are stronger than you think! Of course a pregnancy and having a baby might be demanding (and for me my anxiety usually kicks in during stressful periods and life-changing events) but if we learn how to treat our anxiety and be kind to ourselves we can cope with any situation life throws at us.

Hi and welcome to the forum! First of all I’m sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time right now. It is great that you’ve found this place - it is full of very knowledgeable, understanding and compassionate people. Opening up and talking to others who have been or are going through the same thing can ease the burden, and I hope this will be your experience too. I wish you the best of luck on your journey towards recovery, please know that it is possible to change your thinking patterns and to recover from OCD. And I’m sure there will always be an ear ready on the forum to hear it if and when you need to vent!

Hi Cub, just wanted to let you know that I’ve read your post and I can relate to a lot of what you are describing. Having those feelings that others maybe don’t see the ”real” me and that I’m not being good enough. I think learning about self-compassion and trying to put that into practice every day has been very useful for me. If I get a thought that I don’t deserve to do something, like you with the ride home, I try to really do it anyways. Good that you thought of treating yourself with a smoothie. I also try to listen to what my body and mind are telling me, which I think you seem to also be doing when realising that the anxiety comes from stress in your life right now and then doing your best to relax. I know it’s difficult in stressful times. All we can do is to look after ourselves and treat ourselves the same way we would treat a very dear friend. Lots of love and a big hug from me to you!

I think it might be that guilt is coming from you thinking of ”evening the odds” and sitting next to this guy and then those feelings are exaggerated like a billion times. Like the idea of you putting yourself in such a situation where something could have happened makes you feel guilty. But you can’t be punished for what ifs. As you know, this is exactly the same situation I had. I knew I had been sitting next to someone in a bar and started questioning how I could have done that, why I was even talking to this guy, what my intentions really were, if something did happen etc etc. The more compulsions I performed trying to figure it out the worse I felt about myself. For me this also happened some time after the evening in question, so I too had lived normally not worrying about that night until that thought struck me a couple of months after. You have to really let yourself off the hook. You cannot keep doing this to yourself or to your partner. You deserve so much more.

So happy to read this! I like the idea of living life and challenging your old habits and thought patterns whenever you can. Great work, be proud of yourself!

Headwreck, you are not annoying at all. We know what it’s like to feel the way you do and reaching out for help shows that you have fight in you and a strong will to be free from OCD. You’re brave asking for help and you have made progress. I too agree that it is easy to see how fast you fall into ruminations and this very negative black and white-thinking. Could you tell yourself right now that you clearly are not sure about anything and your mind really is so clouded right now by these negative thoughts and possibly depression from this constant rumination so you really can’t tell right now and then allow yourself to let it be just for now. Maybe give yourself a week, or if that is too long, just a night. Every time the thoughts pop up, tell yourself that ”maybe, maybe not - but I have promised myself that I will leave these thoughts behind right now and deal with them tomorrow instead” or something similar. Maybe this is easier right now than to totally agree with the thoughts.

Think about how much you’ve learnt about yourself and how the OCD operates. Next thing might not even become ’a thing’ because you will be able to recognise it and stop it before it turns into a new obsession.

If that happens, you will get through that too. Writing down just in case is also a compulsion.

So you say the story keeps changing, you have anxiety provoking thoughts (including the one that your current therapist is only telling you what you want to hear because you pay him) and images and in response to them you perform compulsions like ruminating and checking - but you still question if this is OCD or if it is a rational and justified behaviour. Maybe if you feel like therapy isn’t working you could try another therapist. If medicine isn’t helping, try another one. I know there is a part of you that wants to fight this and you can do it. It’s your life. You have to decide that enough is enough, even if you don’t feel like you deserve it right now (you will later).

It’s also interesting that once you come to a conclusion that nothing happened - that is not enough for the OCD. Now you think you did something horrible just by walking up those stairs, that you had some bad intentions and that you should be punished for this. Look, I’m telling you, I’ve had the exact same obsession before and today when I think of that night I can see how extremely blown-up and silly it was. I know getting reassurance isn’t going to help you in the long run but you need to turn this around both for your partner’s and your own sake. Even if you don’t think you deserve it right now.

This is your feeling, but you are using cognitive distortions such as mindreading. This is not real. To me it is so very obvious that this is OCD driven. Seriously, you are in no place to judge your actions and thoughts from that night right now as your mind is so clouded. What would you tell your best friend in this situation?

Yes, this needs to stop too. I did the same, it really turned into a new obsession but it was all in an attempt to find reassurance that I do actually have OCD.

Thank you @taurean for your always so encouraging posts! You and others here really make a difference for many people.

I started with medication at the same time as I got in contact with my CBT therapist and it was like life completely changed for me. However, during and after pregnancy when I stopped my meds OCD came back with force. It was a couple months that were extremely tough. I’m now back on SSRI and I can see things clearly again and I realise now that it was all OCD at play. However I’m still struggling now in a way mostly because I feel so ashamed of my thoughts and how I could possibly think and feel the way I used to do. I guess I have to treat these feelings the same and just let them be but I sometimes have a hard time being kind and forgiving of myself. I try to practise more self-compassion which I think you should do as well. Another thing I would advice is to not get stuck in thoughts like ”Am I going to be this way forever?”. Tell yourself it’s okay to be this way, and you can still carry on with life.

Headwreck, I know we were messaging earlier on and I told you a little about my previous obsession about cheating. I had the exact same fear as you, it went on for years before it shifted into something else. And I’ve read many similar stories throughout the years. So, it is simply not true that others haven’t experienced the same thing. I know it is so difficult to trust and see things clearly when OCD is this strong, but it is possible to turn things around. My first therapist didn’t use CBT and seeing her was just getting a whole lot of reassurance session after session. It always felt so good when I left her office but hours later the anxiety started creeping back. I reacted when you wrote your therapist says you are innocent, of course she does this out of care for you - but it unfortunately won’t help in the long run.

Then you really have to apply for therapy. I know it can be scary to visit a doctor but you don’t have to go into details about your thoughts if that makes you uncomfortable. Tell them you have thoughts that make you extremely anxious that you can’t let go of. I have to go to bed now so I won’t answer straight away if you write anything back. Wanted to let you know that in case you get worried and wonder why I don’t reply. I really, really hope you will start feeling better soon and I’m sure therapy and possibly medicine would help tremendously. My very best wishes to you!

Are you in therapy? Sorry if you’ve written that in a previous thread.

You keep repeating yourself. I know why, because OCD has you in its grip. I know you don’t want to. But please, try to take that leap of faith and trust that you can recover from this. You won’t always feel like this if you decide to take on some advice on how to turn things around.

I know you feel that way. But in order to get better, you have to ignore that feeling. You have to do what feels wrong to you, and you have to fake it till you make it.

Nowhere in my post did I ask you why it happened. I did the opposite, I told you you are allowed to leave this alone and not analyze why. Analyzing, going over this again and again are compulsions.

It is OCD making you feel like you need to know for sure how she would respond, how you would be judged, how bad this is. You do not have to find out. You can tell your brain you are leaving this alone.

You are ruminating and trying to find answers to why this happened. All of that are compulsions. Stop doing it. Tell yourself you do not have to search for answers, that you are allowed to walk away from this.