Publius

Thanks so much for the replies. I managed to distract myself today by going for a road trip with a friend, where doing in-depth research into the gospels would NOT be socially acceptable. It has been a hellish few weeks, so I appreciate the support greatly.

Hi, I'm not looking a diagnosis, this isn't the place for that. I'm currently on a waiting list for CBT. I am looking for advice and to know if anybody has gone through anything similar to what I'm describing. A quick background: I was raised Christian, my whole family is Christian and until about 14 I would've said I was too. I became doubtful of anything supernatural in my teens and that was the end of it. But now Christianity obsesses me. And I don't think it's healthy, I think it's similar to OCD symptoms I've had in the past. I spend literally hours reading about the New Testament, it's historicity etc. and not because I want to. I read loads of theories on what Christians think Hell is like, which I worry about being condemned to because I find it nearly impossible to believe Jesus is my saviour etc. And when I'm not researching these things, I'm thinking about it. I become absent in conversations, the real world loses its 'reality'. This maybe all seems absurd to some people reading this, but I feel like my sense of reality and my ability to enjoy anything has gone out the window because of this obsession. Has anybody had similar experiences? Thank you in advance.

Could it be an OCD thing? Ruminating about the unanswerable and fretting over it is definitely very possibly OCD. Curiosity and questioning is okay, and with metaphysical matters it can be a lot of fun, too. But definitely keep it academic is my advice. I think avoiding is not a good strategy but engaging less and focussing on things that mean things to you in life would be better for you.

As somebody who has (and sometimes still does) spent almost every waking hour dwelling on questions, but getting nowhere, I can totally understand. Existential and philosophical problems can be fun to think about, but I've found that it's best to keep a level of separation when it comes to these kinds of things. I read a text recently by Bertrand Russell on the nature of reality – is anything real, or is it illusory perceptions of some sort. It was fascinating, but I knew from past experience I had to maintain an academic interest. That is, find the idea intriguing, but decide to live life accepting social constructs and human abstractions. To do otherwise, in my personal experience, is inviting endless rumination and misery. These are of course just my experiences.

I don't view social constructs as any less real because they are man-made (and I do believe morality is a social construct, that has benefits for evolutionary reasons if nothing else). But either way, I am not convinced this line of thinking is helpful. You can spend a lifetime trying to find out if it's true, and get nowhere. I used to obsess over trying to find certainty where there are only ambiguities – is such and such a bad thing to do? – and used to poll everybody I knew. I never really got answers, but I've started to realise such quests drain our energy. Energy that we could be spending living our lives. Hope some of this makes sense.

I haven't read the book nor am I familiar with the author. Personally, I find 'living in the now' to be helpful with anxiety – though I find it very very challenging. I obsess over the past and feelings and thoughts, too. However – and again I haven't read the book – from your post, it sounds like you're going a step further and approaching something akin to nihilism. In my experience, it's not a very helpful way to view reality. Viewing everything as not real or pointless is a fast route to depression in my experience.

I think it would be worth talking to your doctor about both your anxiety (whether OCD-related or not) as well as your audio symptoms. The latter may or may not be Tinnitus, but your extreme reaction sounds like problematic anxiety. And believe me, I say this as somebody who knows all too well what catastrophising is like. Wishing you the best, Paul.

Hi Paul. Is there any kind of follow up scheduled or is the leaflet the extent of the help being offered? Are you diagnosed or getting help for your anxiety in any other way?

Thanks for the replies. Your points are good. Some days it is hard to even notice the rumination until I'm in the middle of it, and by then I can have convinced myself all manner of things. Usually, it's hardest after a long day at work or on the commute home – when I'm tired and defences are low, I guess.

Thanks for replying, Roy. And thank you for the advice. I've read most of the threads you've posted lately, and they've been very helpful.

Hi all, I read a lot of posts on this site, so I don't think I am alone in this problem. Still, I couldn't find all that much advice on this particular topic. Basically, the news (whether it be on TV or the internet) has been a problem for me for a while now. I'll see an article on a murderer or some other person who has committed some horrible crime, or I'll read about a court case where a person is sent to jail for many years for some crime or another. This is followed by rumination and anxiety... where I compare myself to all manner of criminal asking, "Could that be me?" Then I'll start imagining myself sent to jail, where (a few hours of rumination later) I come to the conclusion I'll be violently murdered in some out-of-control prison complex. It sounds a little absurd when I type it here (because I haven't committed any crimes), but it's a constant trigger than never fails to make me spiral into rumination. A simple way to avoid the whole thing is, of course, to just not read the news. My question is, does this count as avoidance? Is this unhealthy? Should I be seeking to expose myself to more or the news articles that cause me anxiety? Thanks in advance for any replies. I'd really like the community's opinion.

When I was 18, for about two years or so, I had the same obsession. I'd spend hours examining my tongue and comparing it to photos of cancerous tongues online. I'd convince myself I had tongue cancer and look up the treatments, outcomes etc. It hit a point where I was convinced that I was going to die from it. I can look back now and say that it was probably OCD. I totally lost the obsession after a couple of years, but I'm afraid it was only because something else took its place. I think you're right though: researching online and seeking reassurance will make it worse – it certainly made mine worse.

I definitely think it's worth writing about the "shape-shifting" nature of OCD, a topic that interests me personally. It's funny, in a way, that I can look back at previous obsessions and think, "Wow. Wasn't that a silly thing to obsess over." These are topics I've spent hours fretting over, often getting highly distressed. Now they hold no power over me. Sadly, new topics took their place, but the pattern is the same. I can make this connection rationally, but in the throes of OCD I often lose this insight. I imagine others feel much the same?

I went to bed early yesterday to get a few extra hours sleep. Woke up this morning feeling fairly clear headed. The day before I was constantly feeling the pull to ruminate.

There's a great line in the final Harry Potter book. Harry, who has been talking to Dumbledore in a kind of dreamworld asks Dumbledore if their conversation was real or just in Harry's head. Dumbeldore replies with: It's a line that is handy in non-wizarding contexts too.