SStudderz

Hi, I know your struggles. I too am in the exact same position as you. But. I've been reading a lot about OCD. And I know enough now to know I have OCD and talking to professionals I know I have OCD. Yet I still find a way to believe that I don't. And that's all part of having the disorder. My brother asked me the other week, 'if you get the diagnosis, will you be okay then? Will you stop going through this cycle of thinking you do and don't have OCD?' and I honestly didn't believe I would, I know I'll still find a way to doubt I have OCD. In that moment I knew that I had a problem, and that problem is in fact OCD. I can't diagnose you and neither can anyone else and on one of my threads I have asked for reassurance and I knew it didn't work. I know this because I've asked family members if they think I have OCD, I have asked doctor's if they think I have OCD, I have asked friends, people on this forum, looked on YouTube, googles symptoms relentlessly, doubted myself continuously. They have all said I have OCD and I even believe I have OCD. I know I do. Yet I still think I don't sometimes. But that's OCD mate. I think you just need to take a step back and think logically about your options. Whether you have OCD or not, if you seek help you'll get it and with determination you'll rid yourself of whatever it is that's stopping you from living the life you want. I hope this helps mate. I must add that everyone that has posted on this forum is right. SStudderz

Thankyou for your reply Polar Bear. Hope you're having a good day. I do keep going round in circles, I'm realising what damage this can do and I'm working on trying to get around it. Therapy and medication will help me, it'll take at least two months to be seen by someone. Although frustrating, I can wait, plenty of other people like me clearly. This is just leading to a lot of time ruminating so finding it difficult but I'll get there. SStudderz

Hi Bodge, Hope you are well. Just given this a read, this has given me greater insight on how to battle OCD. This is all fairly new to me so I appreciate you uploading the content. Any more would be great if you can think of anything? Thanks mate?? SStudderz

Thankyou Handy for your reply?

I've not been on this forum long so not come across many of your posts. But I wish you the best of luck on your endeavours!

Thankyou so much Gemma for your speedily reply. That I didnt know but it doesn't surprise me. I do doubt almost everything haha. That is actually true. I have been dealing with this for as long as I can remember in hindsight, and not once did I tell anyone until about 3 weeks ago when I found out. That was when I knew I could tell someone and I finally told my mum. Logically that wouldn't make me an attention seeker. OCD 1-0 ME hahah. I will beat this. It's just so new to me. Thankyou so much. I've been ever so busy recently so not had chance to look at it but I'm going to look at it now, I've just cleared up the rest of my day to try and get some house work done and then I'll sit down and I'll look into 'Break free from OCD'. I'll let you know what I think on this thread once I've had a look. Thanks again, have a good day?

Hi all, I hope you're all having a really great day and are all ready for the weekend? So, I keep hitting a stump. I keep going round in circles from believing I have OCD and not believing I have OCD. I don't know if I'm making the intrusive thoughts up in my head. I don't know if I'm making them there. Before I knew I had OCD, about a month ago. I accepted that the thoughts were a part of me and that I had a split personality waiting to burst out of me. I would argue with myself in my head about the thoughts id have about other people. I would even argue about it aloud when home alone. Pacing round the house arguing with myself. Whether that be about an argument I should of had with someone or something I should of said during conversation throughout the day. Idk if my way of coping with OCD was by personifying them thoughts and giving it a personality. Would that be enough to start a personality disorder? Did or does anyone go through this? Ugh. This is so constant. Looking back, I'm unsure whether I was even having intrusive thoughts before I found out. Like I know I definitely have been for years but for some reason I just don't believe myself. I don't trust any thought that pops into my head at the minute and I don't know what's going on. Idk if I'm doing it for attention or what. I'm currently waiting to be seen by a psychiatrist and I'll be going on medication soon. I was wondering if anyone could shed any light if they can? This is probably reassurance. I know this. I'm sorry. This is all just very new to me and idk. I guess I'm just freaking out haha. I know I'm new and posting so much on these forums like who's this guy haha. But I just see all the support you guys give and i want to be able to give back as well to this lovely community. Thankyou so much for reading, have a great day!? SStudderz

Hello I'm sorry for the slow reply I was a little busy yesterday. I hope you're feeling a little better. Did u go to the doctor's in the end? I think that the reason why we're both fixating on this past experience is because we are questioning our identity because of it. What does it mean to other people that I'm in to this? What does this say about myself? Why did I do that? Did I enjoy it? What do other people think of me? If I did enjoy it ,what does that make me? Well the homosexual OCD for me latched onto an experience I had when I was a child, that latched on when I was about 11 and it hasn't gone away since. When I had my experience, I told myself that I liked it, that I must of liked it otherwise I wouldn't of thought about it or actually go ahead with it. As for medication, I'll be starting on them as soon as possible. Hope you're feeling a little better today SStudderz

Why do you end up going off the medication? Do you feel as if you don't need it anymore? Or is it more of a moralistic standpoint? Do you not like the idea of it? Ive been skeptical in the past however now I feel I need it. And I think I'm okay with being on it for the rest of my life as well, that's if it helps which I'm sure it will as OCD is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Its like asking someone with diabetes to make insulin without a shot. But extreme but only an example I can think of. The murder one I can relate to. I have one but child molestation. Not one I like to think of at all hahah. Currently fighting through that. From my understanding, this is what OCD is, it latches onto things that you don't find pleasant. Something egodystonic. The fact it's egodystonic is the reason that you're latching on so much. You don't like it, it's not part of who you are and it worries you that you were into something else at some other point in your life. My homosexual OCD Led me to try things with another male. During I was terrified, certainly not aroused and to make it more confusing, I couldn't stop thinking of killing him afterwards. Even though it wasnt his fault. My OCD latches onto that because that isnt what I am. I am straight and the thought that I wanted to try that at some point makes me feel horrid sometimes. Even before my realisation about my OCD, I forgave myself for seeking this as I genuinely was curious. It was OCD curious and terrifying and non pleasurable. But curious nonetheless. And that's probably all you were as well. Don't beat yourself up, we all do things that we're not necessarily proud of. Accept you, for who you are now. Because you seem very nice and I'm sure you don't deserve any of this.

I was having this conversation with a friend of mine today. OCD is the constant fight between distortion and logic. Im really sorry you're torn up in this vicious circle. If going to the doctor's will make you feel better then seek help. nothing wrong with a little help we do need it bless us ? Will you be going there to seek medication for your OCD or maybe therapy? That's if you don't mind answering anyway. As you said you weren't bothered at the time. Maybe you enjoyed it and now you don't? I used to enjoy things in the bedroom that now I don't because of past experiences and memories related to it as well. I just think that when you're in a relationship, you're almost blended together with one brain after a while, you sort of let a bit of yourself go and let the other person fill the gaps. What I mean is that you probably weren't 100% yourself because you were with someone. And they're an ex for a reason, so clearly you were mismatched and now, years later, you're a completely different person, with new experiences and the thought of going back to it makes you uncomfortable. Fair enough. I don't blame ya, neither would anyone else. Just laugh it off, easier said than done mind, I understand. Give yourself some credit and go and do something relaxing to take your mind off it. You more than deserve it, no point beating yourself up for something silly you did with an ex. Ex's belong in the past for a reason. You're very welcome, were all in this. We can help eachother. Sending my love. SStudderz

Hi there banethethoughts, sorry to hear you're going through a bit of a rough patch. Just going to keep it short and sweet. No matter what it was that you did with your ex partner. As long as it was fully consensual on both parties then there is absolutely nothing wrong with engaging in sexual intercourse, even if it is revolving around a taboo subject. Lots of people enjoy taboo and it doesn't mean reality. Fantasy is not real. Neither are your thoughts. Don't give them that much credibility, there's some past experiences I've had that have made me question what I was thinking at the time. But, not everything requires you to think. If you're not into something you've done in the past then you never have to revisit it, that's if you don't want to at least. And if you do, so what. Like I said before, as long as it's consensual - who on earth cares? Do yourself a favour and stop punishing yourself for not being into something you and your ex did in the past. The past belongs in the past and past you shouldn't control 'present you'. Present you does control future you. So do future you a favour too and start making yourself feel better. You deserve it ?

Thankyou Gemma and Andrea for welcoming me to the forum? I'll take a look at the self help book you mentioned Gemma and I'll let you know what I think thankyou ? Hope you're both having a lovely day.

I've got tinnitus mate. It's annoying but the best thing you can do is distract your ears with different noises such as soothing music to distract your ears. That helps me with mine ? Try not to listen to too much loud music, it does damage your ears but tinnitus is a common side effect from listening to music. Before diagnosed everytime I came back from a gig, the whole next day I'd have a ringing in my idea. However going to so many gigs over the years has resulted in a ringing in my ears that honestly comes and goes. If I think about it it's there, and when it is I simply put on some music for a bit so my ears can focus on something else. Hope this helps mate?? also your neighbour may just be trying to be nice to your doggo. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I pet neighbours cats if I'm walking by or I say hello. People are animal lovers, maybe just talk to your neighbour and just mention to him that although you think it's a nice thought if you wouldn't mind as your dog was becoming overweight ? Job sorted, no conflict needed just a little communication between two people who want to get along more than get angry with eachother. It'll be the best for the both of you ??

They may of honked for your safety as much as there's mate that's the reality.

Hi all, hope you're all having a wonderful bank holiday whatever it is you're doing? I however am taking an introverted approach and just chilling and if you're reading this I thank you for taking your time out to read my first post on this forum and giving it some notice. I've taken some time out to read others experiences relating to OCD and other mental illnesses, knowing that I am not alone and gaining more insight to a really important topic and by reading other people's stories, by doing this I find that I'm learning more about myself as well. Some made me laugh, some made me cry. But thankyou nonetheless. What a great, lovely bunch of people. Just to add a little context, I'm a 21 year old male, recently come to terms with the fact I have OCD. As well as this I also have GAD, major depression and an eating disorder. Not getting into too much detail about the discovery of my OCD. Although rather impactful, it in some way has helped me knowing that there is a reason I am the way I am. I'm aware to not use the term 'Pure O' as it's not a medically used term and it is exactly the same as the more commonly known OCD subtypes. My compulsions are mainly in the mind. The themes are around harm, pedophilia, relationships, sexuality, existential, incest, depression and unfortunately the list goes on with various different themes. I've been having these thoughts for what it seems almost all my life. I always thought there was something wrong with me. When I was around 15/16, when I got into a conversation with a friend about mental illnesses. I knew from then on what I had to do, I had to diagnose myself with whatever it is that is wrong with me and I had to then give myself CBT before I get thrown in a loony bin or reported to the police as a danger or even worse, before I could act on them thoughts. For 6 years, that has been my mission. I thought, my intrusive thoughts were a part of me just waiting to burst out at any random moment. I thought that someday I'm going to wake up, something would switch in my brain and I would either black out and forget what I had done or even more frighteningly, actually be completely aware and actually taking pleasure in said scenarios based around my intrusive thoughts. I thought I had a monster, living inside me, just waiting for its perfect time to attack. I wouldn't know it until I knew it. I have lived (and still live) in complete fear that I am my thoughts and they are a tremendous flaw in my personality. I guess I'm still yet to convince myself that it is true but as you all know, you have your ups and downs with this ever so painful disorder. It has been difficult to me, as Im coming to terms with having OCD, I am currently piecing together all my symptoms and all the intrusive thoughts I've ever had throughout my life. It's like they've all come back at me and I'm in a bit of a pickle. But, I will be getting help very soon, just waiting to find a specialist in OCD and CBT in the Sheffield area and I will be making steps to make my life manageable again as I seemed to of gone off the rails after some family related issues and the breakdown of my relationship with my amazing ex girlfriend. And I am hopeful, even though I am actually scared. And admitting to being scared is something I've never done, even though scared is what I've been all my life. However, opening up to my loved ones about my thoughts, I have received nothing but love, support and compassion and honestly... That's what I was most scared of, their reaction to my thoughts, and in that moment I knew that I had lived in fear for too long. They're heartbroken I'm going through this and have been for a long time, but only because they see me for what I don't. A normal, human being. Just like everyone else on this forum, or reading the forum. You're all normal, at least to us. And take comfort in that as did I when I came across these posts. There's a lyric that I've always been attached to, by a band called Meshuggah (shout out to all metal heads on this forum) and I'd love to share it. 'The struggle to free myself from restraints, becomes my very shackles.' I hope that whoever reads this post, whether youre someone who has been diagnosed with OCD for years or someone who is finding answers. Please know you're not alone in this. And it will and can get better because ultimately you deserve it and you ought to have the drive to go out there and do it. Because you are not your thoughts. You know what you are, just look a little deeper, and you'll see you for the beautiful person you are, because all you're doing and all I'm doing, is our own disorderly way of protecting us from the things we fear the most. Have a good one guys. Enjoy the glorious weather. Thankyou so much.