FranticS

Oh - and I should say I'm a massive hypocrite, because I do EXACTLY the same thing ALL the time! :D

Compulsion! You're trying to test yourself. And it won't work because you wouldn't be responding to an actual real-life event but to a simulation you're trying to run inside your head. It's a bit like... if the fire alarm goes off at work and you've been warned beforehand that there's going to be a fire drill that day, your emotional response will probably be quite different than if it went off unexpectedly. You're trying to force yourself to feel something, and I don't think that's really how feelings work...

I had my first session with a new therapist today, and I felt this too - felt very hard to be open about my thoughts and I was skirting around them and finding myself being very vague about the content. Its going to be a struggle to open up fully about them but I also don't want to go through session after session not being entirely open

No, MarieJo. It made me feel concerned to see you wishing this for yourself. It made me think "my goodness - she cares SO much for her children". What it DIDN'T make me think was "how selfish!" - now give yourself a break. OCD's horrendous enough without you beating yourself up over it.

Thanks both! I think I'd just become aware that I'd gotten into some habits that, if not exactly unhealthy in themselves, had become a way of distracting myself whenever I felt anxious or ruminatory. It just felt that meditation might be a healthier way of spending some time with myself without just trying to drown everything out...

This is very true. I find I can go from one theme straight to another in the space of a few minutes. In a way, I find it almost reassuring that this happens, because it makes it feel a bit more obvious that it's OCD probing to find a "weak spot". Its almost like the OCD's "trying to be clever", and giving itself away for what it is in the process...

Just wanted to ask the community their thoughts on this and get an objective perspective. I've started meditating daily - not excessively, just for an hour a day. It's something I'm finding I'm very much enjoying and look forward to each evening. There's a part of me though that's now wondering if it's not just a "closet compulsion". It doesn't feel like one. I don't feel like I'm doing it in response to an intrusive thought, but I do chant a mantra and am now wondering if it isn't just becoming a subtle way of keeping thoughts at bay... hmmmm What do you guys think?

Thanks @PolarBear- I'll check it out Update: Thanks - that WAS real helpful (I was going to say it was real food for thought, but I guess feeding them is the last thing you wanna do). But what's the difference between refocusing and distraction. I've read a lot of things here where people have discouraged 'distraction' because that's a compulsion in itself, so a little confused as to where the distinction lies...?

Thank you both for your kindness and suggestions. I will try and join one of the zoom meetings, although they look usually to be at a time when I'm working. I find my big problem is with rumination - the thing is, looking back, I've ALWAYS ruminated, and although my thoughts haven't always been as frightening as they are at the moment, I have always amplified every little worry in my head: going for walks, turning everything over and over. I used to think I was just a deep thinker, but now I realise I've been trapped in a habit that other, healthy, "normal" people aren't, and I don't know a) how to not do that b) what "thinking" is like without doing that c) if I can ever stop...

I've been suffering from harm ocd for a long time now. It's been particularly bad over the last few months, and I'm not sure if social isolation has just made things worse At the moment I feel so disconnected from everyone, I feel like I've stopped caring about people I used to feel close to and, in fact, the anxiety and confusion has become so intense I feel like I'm having some kind of "bad trip" (I've never done drugs, so I don't know what that actually feels like, but I can imagine this feeling pretty close... ) I feel like I've completely lost any ability to live, love, laugh or function as a human being anymore... I've just self-referred myself again asking if I can have an appointment specifically with an ocd specialist, but my first appointment will be a month away and I'm not sure i can last that long...

Laboratory

I'm beginning to realise now just how much of what I thought was just "me thinking" throughout my entire life, has actually been the familiar cycles of obsession/rumination that are characteristic of OCD. Like when I was a schoolkid and wasted my entire weekends panicking about something 'stupid' I'd said the week before, or later on in life where I got myself into an unhealthy relationship and spent hours of every single day going for walks alone in order to worry about it. In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if my tendency to "prefer my own company" wasn't in actuality just me seeking the space to go off and addictively ruminate... I guess the thing is that, since this has been a habit/pattern throughout most of my life, I'm now wondering how easily I can break that, and even wha t it feels like to not be stuck in these loops and to have any kind of inner peace... ?

Album

Cookie

It feels so lonely. I start doubting that love and compassion really exist, if the beliefs and feelings can be so fickle. The world suddenly becomes a terrifying place. And more, I become such a terrifying person to myself ?