Ma29

I just can’t take it anymore. I’m fed up. Maybe I should just admit I’m no good for my baby and leave it like that. He deserves someone better than me. I’m a rubbish mum. Why does it feel like I’m doing bad things - I hate it. We went out today and every time I take him out the car seat / hold him the ocd is telling me to watch my hands and so I do and make sure I’m really cautious when I hold him because I don’t want my hands to go anywhere asides from his top half. Then we arrive home and I take him out the car, same thing - ocd is screaming, watch your hand placement. Then I’m walking down the drive and a thousand thoughts racing through my head about loads of different things (mostly ocd centred) and all of a sudden I feel my thumb move. I was holding him on my right shoulder, and my hands were supporting him one on his back and one under his arm / tummy side ect. I felt my thumb move down and that’s it I’m not sure what the hell happened and why I did that. Then it makes me feel as though I did it on purpose or intentionally but I don’t understand why I’d do that and now I feel absolutely awful. Why did my thumb move - what was I thinking - why - I feel horrified. I don’t know what happened and it’s making me think I’ve done an awful thing. I feel awful. I don’t want to be here anymore. I tried to push myself so much today and the day ends worse than it started when I didn’t even think that was possible when I woke up. I’m so scared and horrified like I’ve done an awful awful thing. I can’t bear it - I feel disgusted. What if subconsciously I was having ocd thoughts and my thumb moved? I don’t remember having a genuine motive to move my thumb though. So why did it move or why did I move it? I’ll never ever know now - and I’ll have to live with this guilt of not knowing. It matters to me because I don’t want to live my life thinking I may have done something awful. I just can’t. When my thumb moved it also moved down as opposed to up and that scares me EVEN more. What is going on. Can someone please help me - I don’t want to get into a bad spiral again, I won’t be able to take it.

Hello. This is going to sound really stupid but bear with me. As most of you know I have been suffering from severe intrusive thoughts which have been debilitating as they’ve left me unable to fully care for my baby. The thoughts started off as making me feel like normal actions were bad. I’m now slowly getting past this and fighting the thoughts - it’s still really hard but it’s impacting me less. Now the stupid part and I’m going to try my best to explain this as simply as possible. When I’m with the baby, it feels like ocd is somehow making associations with anything it can think off and then it makes me feel like a bad person. For example - Thinking baby’s legs are chubby is bad > touching baby’s leg is bad > makes me feel like a bad person. Another example - Baby crying, his mouth wide open because he’s screaming - Ocd intrusive thoughts start about the inside of baby’s mouth (I don’t even know what the hell it’s trying to achieve here, almost like there were no intrusive thoughts apart from ‘it’s bad’) - leaving me fixated on baby’s mouth whilst he’s bawling his eyes out trying to make sense of what’s going on, whilst his dads changing him, > he’s really irritable and so I just give him a kiss on his cheek to soothe him (what I would think is a normal thing to do) but then when I kiss his cheek I feel a tiny bit of his lip because his face is so small and probably because he was wriggling > now I feel bad > because I was having the intrusive thoughts about the inside of his mouth (unable to make out what the hell these were exactly ) and then I kiss him on his cheek but feel a part of his lip and then feel bad for it. Then it makes me feel as though I did a bad thing. I don’t know why I kissed him, I didn’t think about it to be honest - should I need a reason to kiss my baby on the cheek? Should I think of a reason before hand? equally I didn’t do this with a bad intention but the association ocd is making with the thought and action is trying to make me think otherwise - it’s so nasty I hate it. Have I done something bad? I keep thinking about what the hell was happening at the time and I can’t make sense of it. I wish I had never kissed him on his cheek. Can ocd work like this ? Can someone help me with the cheek example please? I’m trying to make sense of it.

I’m so fed up of this. Sometimes I wonder whether it’s better if I’m not here because I feel like I’m doing awful things. Can someone please break the above post down for me - I need a little push as I’m really struggling.

Recognise that you have an illness called ocd. That’s all you need to know. You will have dips, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed - it’s part of the process. I’m going through this myself, I know how hard it is. If you had a physical illness like appendicitis, would you feel as though you’ve failed everyone? No… and this type of illness called ocd isn’t any different. Keep going, you will get through this. Best of luck.

Hi Everyone. Im struggling - I’ve been crying in bed because I’m so sad and dissappinted in myself. I feel like I’m letting my baby down. Can someone please help me with this recent intrusive thought. Yesterday when I was changing baby’s nappy I felt his legs and noticed they’re chubby and fat but then the ocd comes in and tells me that’s bad because I shouldn’t feel like they’re chubby and fat and I shouldn’t think it’s nice. I’m not sure what’s happening but this is honestly what happens. It sounds so stupid but this is what this demon does. Now every time I change him, the ocd reminds me of the same thing. This morning I get up and do his morning nappy, and as soon as his baby grow comes off the ocd comes in reminding me of the same thing and screams at me to tell me it’s wrong. At the same time I’m trying to justify that it’s ok to my husband and I’m saying ‘his legs are so chubby and fat aren’t they, it’s so cute ‘ ect. Then I feel my right hand touch his leg just above the knee and that’s it I’m out. Panic / anxiety ect. I feel awful. I can’t explain it - the best way I can explain it is :- I notice a normal thing, baby’s legs are chubby which is cute > ocd turns this into a bad thing > ocd latches onto this > each time I do change baby, this triggers the ocd > ocd visits again and tells me it’s a bad thing > anything related to touching his legs now becomes bad too. Whilst I was changing him the only thing that was going through my head was ‘it’s bad to think his legs feel chubby and fat’ and then I don’t know why but I notice my hand / thumb touching just above his knee and I feel awful. The following thinga are going through my mind again and again and it’s making me really dizzy. - You shouldn’t have touched his leg if you knew it’s bad / why did you touch his leg / did you intentionally touch his leg / you should have been more careful / why weren’t you paying attention / you’re a bad person / but why did your hand touch his leg. I don’t remember having any bad intention when it happened all I was thinking about was the ocd telling me the chubby fat thing is bad and then my hand touched his leg. I feel awful because I should have been more careful. How could I let this happen. What if I did touch his leg on purpose. I feel awful. Then I can’t remember if in that moment ocd told me it’s bad and told me to touch his leg and so I touched it but I don’t want to think that’s true because that’s awful. Im so scared and struggling so much. I love my baby and don’t want to be apart from him but how can I forgive myself for this now? Please can someone help me with this. Thanks

Hello Everyone. I thought I’d come on here and give an update but also get some advice. Update It’s Friday tomorrow and I’m pleased to say that I have spent everyday with my baby. I’ve been doing the nappy changes / milk feeds / solid food feeds / outfit changes / settling him down for naps / going for walks / playing with him ect. I’m getting the intrusive thoughts what feels like every minute, so me thoughts tend to stick around longer than others. Compulsion wise - I have cut down significantly ( very little rumination / re assurance seeking / avoidance going on). However for the thoughts that stick around longer there is a tendency for me to write ‘what happened’ due to a fear that ocd will make me think otherwise later on so I need something to help me remember. My mood is unpredictable and I think this might go hand in hand with the intrusive thoughts but I can’t tell. Sometimes it feels as though I’m just depressed. My setraline has been increased to 150mg this week. I know I’ve made progress and I’m trying but I just feel so down and sad. I’m fed up of these thoughts and im fed up of the what ifs. How can I keep going until things improve - it’s SO hard. Thanks for reading

Moustache

Hey Rosie, Sorry you feel like this, it sounds tough. Like Saffron said, you deserve kindness, love and appreciation and shouldn’t settle for anything less. It may not seem like it at the moment but things will work out and your heart will go from this ? to this again, regardless of what happens - you’re in control of your own happiness, you got this ! Maybe do something nice for yourself to allow you to focus on something else. Best of luck

Hey Thomas, I believe you’ve mentioned something very similar in your previous posts so it may be helpful for you to refer to these and apply any useful advice you’ve received

I am exhausted mentally and physically but I wanted to let you guys know what happened today. I spent half the day with the baby today - on my own. These are some of the things that I achieved during this time. - Morning cuddles w/baby - Changed baby’s nappy - Did all of baby’s feeds - Settled baby for his naps -Held baby during his naps (more for me to get comfortable holding him again). - Kindly declined help from my mum who would have taken care of the baby from 9-1pm. This allowed her to have some time to herself. My husband was also able to fully focus on his work. The day was really very challenging. It was filled with highs and lows. OCD was attacking me from all different angles and I found it really challenging at times however I tried my best not to engage. I noticed there were moments where I did engage in compulsions but also moments when I was able to resist. The former allowed me to recognise where I need to put in the extra work. The latter allowed me to recognise the impact compulsions have by feeding these these intrusive thoughts. I found that listening to music helped me tremendously, it kept me distracted especially when I was soothing the baby and having to rock him. I also found that taking a moment to just go to the window and admire the outdoors really helped - it was therapeutic looking at the trees and the hills in the distance. I found it really comforting. Asides from the anxiety, it felt amazing to be able to spend time with my boy. I loved being able to care for him and show him love. I could sense how much he has missed me and how pleased he was to be with me. We had some beautiful moments. I loved adoring him whilst he slept in my arms, I loved being the first person he saw when he woke up from his naps and making him smile. These moments felt like medicine for my heart and soul - my road to recovery is work in progress and there is a lot of healing that needs to happen to help me with this. I hope these beautiful moments will help me heal and also help me realise that I’m still the same Ma and I can still live a happy life with my family and be the mother,wife,daughter and sister and aunty I was before this relapse, as that’s all that matters to me. Tomorrow is a new day and another opportunity for me to make beautiful memories with the expectation that ocd will pay me multiple visits during the day however I must not give in. Onwards.

Hello - I was just checking out some of the online resources via ocd-uk after caramoole me there and came across this page relating to self help :- https://www.ocduk.org/overcoming-ocd/self-help/ I didn’t know this existed so wanted to bring it to everyone’s attention as I’ve come across quite a few posts where people have expressed that they are not getting help quick enough due to barriers within the NHS . Obviously this shouldn’t be the case and people are often unsure what to do in the interim. This link about talks about the self help resources available to everyone and may be a good place for people to start if they’d like to attempt to learn more about ocd and overcoming it.

@Caramooleis that when someone says something along the lines of ‘yeh so what if I had that thought - I don’t care, ocd - maybe you’re right but maybe you’re not - we will never know’ to go against what ocd is trying to achieve eg make you feel like a bad person?

These seem like a great idea and I look forward to attending the webinars that relate to the type of ocd I have :).

Trying to understand your Q… Are you trying to say that to make the thoughts less distressing just believe/accept you are such a person so that they don’t impact you as much? OCD does not work like that and i would see this as a compulsion as you’re trying to give you’re self relief from the distress the thoughts cause you.. it’s not the answer to beat ocd.. you can’t just make yourself believe you’re something that is egodystonic in nature in an attempt to decrease impact they have on you - it’s not the right thing to do, isn’t fair on the ocd sufferer and ocd is far too clever for that little trick. I’d not encourage anyone to do that to themselves for the sake of making these thoughts less distressing.. you need to treat ocd the right way via techniques which can be learnt via CBT.. this wouldn’t be one of them.. I’m sure your therapist/dr would have said something similar (I hope).

@Fredagain I hear you. I find that when I’m in my most heightened state of anxiety, there is just one truth which is whatever the OCD is telling me! It’s really easy to get trapped and fail to see the reality of the situation. My therapist often says to look at the facts of the situation when this happens. This helps me a lot. However do this when you’re calmer so that you’re able to be in a state of mind to recognise the ocd vs reality.

Hey Ellen, Sorry to here you’re going through a tough time at the moment. What you describe are classic traits of OCD. We need the compulsions to give us a temporary relief from the thoughts but in reality we’re making it worse for ourselves because we’re giving the thoughts power and meaning by carrying out the compulsions - that’s what OCD wants. Remember you can’t get rid of the thoughts. Everyone gets distressing thoughts - they don’t make you a bad person. We are not in control of our thoughts. The difference is that an ocd sufferer attaches meaning to these thoughts and may give them power via compulsive behaviours whereas anyone else would be able to dismiss them and not attach any meaning to them. The thoughts we get are distressing in nature because ocd often latches onto the things we fear the most or find the most distressing ect. Yes, it is possible too - it doesn’t matter how long it’s been or how far deep you think you are. With the right tools, we can get better but we must believe that. Are you receiving any therapy at the moment or have you had any therapy in the past?

Yes and also a time when I will see that all these beliefs/rules are what is leading to the intrusive thoughts if that makes sense. For example - I have a belief / rule that hip thrusting is bad which is why when I do move hips I associate that with hip thrusting which I associate as being something sexual / inappropriate which is what triggers the intrusive thoughts and anything that comes after that.

I couldn’t have put it better myself. There have actually been times where I have stood in front of the mirror and thought about how ocd has the ability to distort reality and distort ones perception of themselves too. It’s so scary and actually the more compulsions I carry out the more power I’m giving to it to do just that…which is why I must do everything I can to not give in. This is really important. I have found that when I notice myself about to ruminate or seek re assurance I just take a minute and tell myself to have faith in the process I need to follow (I.e it’s OK not to respond in anyway to the thoughts /actions/feelings). I did today help prepare baby’s feed at 4.30am rather than staying in bed and letting my husband do it ( I need to start getting more involved and every little counts). I also managed to leave the house and go into London to meet some friends which was a big step for me as I haven’t met any friends since well last year. I made sure that when I came back I played with the baby and also gave him a good night kiss despite the thoughts telling me not too.

Thanks everyone - I appreciate all your kind words. @thistooshallpass1996 This quote. I really hope so @taurean as I really need to get back to being the mother my baby deserves. He has been an absolute angel during the last few months. I need to keep an eye out for the sneaky ways ocd may try to trick me because it’s damn good at that. My therapist has suggested that I must make an active effort to get more involved in baby’s care at this stage in therapy for various reasons - and not avoid. She spoke to my family too and told them to make sure they don’t contribute towards any compulsions as there is a tendency for them to do that. She also suggested that it’s important for me to start taking more responsibility as I have become slightly complacent due to the level of support I have. Support is good but it can also hinder progress at times. I have a busy week ahead of me but I am going to try to give it my all. Enough is enough - my baby needs me.

Found today really tough. However I created an achievement log to record anything I do during the day which i am proud of. I managed to.. feed baby, play with baby, wash his bottles and let my nephew come near me whenever he wanted too - it was really hard but I sat through it. I let the feelings pass. Some thoughts harder than others but I refused to get into bed today and just kept myself busy throughout the day.

That’s really kind of you, thank you for the offer . I hope you’re okay and have the right support around you. Let us know if you need anything too.

That’s great @L.M.! My therapist also recommended maybe getting a piece of A3 or A4 paper and writing down everything we find helpful in aiding us to stop carrying out compulsions ect.. or reminders of things we’ve learnt via therapy ect… you can do as many as you like and then have these dotted around the house as reminders when things get tough!

Hey Everyone… I would like to take a moment to say thank you to a few people on this forum whom I have come across whilst going through such a tough time. These people have tried their best to help me and have also had to be harsh to be kind when they’ve had my best interests at heart. Caramoole…Snowbear…Polarbear…Saffron37…Malina…Jan….Determination…Discussant… and anyone else who has commented on my posts to help me… thank you… I feel really grateful to be part of a community of caring, helpful and supportive people who all share one thing in common - ocd.. I don’t say this lightly but I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for many on this forum. My journey with ocd is far from over and I have a long way to go however it helps knowing I have support around me whether that’s family or this forum. As I finish writing this post I’ve also just realised how important it is (in my opinion) to practice gratitude on a regular basis to remind us of everything we’re grateful for. I think this may be a good tool for me to use to help me with recovery. Hope everyone is enjoying their Saturday.

Hey Caramoole you don’t need to be so polite.. I did think of you when I wrote that post to be fair and I agree you have tried to point this out to me in the past multiple times. You have been great in helping me so far

Hello, My therapist said I should be treating these minuscule behaviours/movements as I would treat OCD thoughts because they’re all part of my OCD. The moving my hips that bit faster, the flexing x muscle, the moving my toes, the noticing that I moved my body towards someone when standing next to them - I thought it was an interesting perspective. All this time I had been confusing actions with facts ‘well I did x action so I must be bad or it must mean something’ but in reality the only reason I’m focusing on x action or movement IS because of the OCD. Or the only reason why I’m interpreting x action as bad is because of the OCD. I’m hoping this makes it a little easier for me to understand things.