Josiah10

I think the point here is that you didn't do the thing you're afraid of. When I have violent ocd thoughts I've nearly been convinced I wanted to do it or I enjoyed the thought. I have also had ocd thoughts when I'm angry, but I can tell it's not coming from the anger, how I can tell the difference is hard to describe. There's always anxiety about it.

So nice to hear this recovery story! May it continue!

You aren't a sicko. I have these urges too to confess things to the girl I'm talking to. It's very hard. Some things are worth sharing some not. In this case it's not worth sharing, so try and keep it to yourself and allow yourself to feel the anxiety. She has flaws too you aren't living a lie.

Hey Rosie if he didn't realize he was doing it nothing off happened then it sounds harmless based on your description. Do nothing and expose yourself to the anxiety you feel when you decide not to confess, allow yourself to feel that anxiety instead of confessing and it will go down. Sorry you are having a hard time:(

Hey Cora just resist the urge to confess we all say things we later regret. Expose yourself to the anxiety that occurs when you decide not to confess. This is something I have to do as well. Usually takes awhile for therapy to get going. Sometimes there's waiting lists. Have you talked to your doctor about medication?

I mean I wasn't there so I can't really say what happened, whether what he did was outright inappropriate or just strange. I wouldn't put my hand under my granddaughters leg sounds a bit off to me but I don't know really know what to make of his actions. I'm not even sure if what you're experiencing is ocd or just a natural response to a memory of something that was a bit off with your grandad. You sound troubled by what happened and I wouldn't invalidate that with any diagnosis. If this is bothering you you could talk to your parents about it but thats your call.

Yeah I totally understand that the groinal responses make you feel like one, in the same way someone with contamination ocd really feels like their hands are dirty even though they aren't. Good luck! Consider medication

I have heard of some ocders who no longer get the groinal response. For myself, when I say groinal response it's more of a somatic awareness of my genitalia, that almost convinces me I'm feeling something or about to feel something, and not actually arousal. Just this uncomfortable awareness of my genitalia. Some ocders do experience arousal but this does not mean they are pedophiles, attracted to animals or family memebers etc, it's just the bodies response to the thought of sex, not necessarily sex with children per se. So if you are experiencing true arousal don't worry it's very possible with ocders my psychologist explained as well that it can be a conditioned response, like if you ring a bell and give me food every day, I'll start salivating at the ring of the bell. There's nothing about the bell itself that is making me hungry, in the same way the thoughts do not necessarily make you aroused, but they make you think of arousal or sex, which can lead to arousal. She said the two can suddenly coexist at the same time but it doesn't mean they're connected, I hope that makes sense. When a pedophile becomes aroused something different is happening. They enjoy the experience and the thought itself is what they want, while they are thinking it. During the thoughts you probably hate what is happening. This article might help you, I actually did cbt with one of their providers https://www.manhattancbt.com/pocd/ And these ones on arousal: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/pocd-arousal-not-sign-real-desire&sa=U&ved=2ahUKEwi4y4ud7In3AhWDAp0JHVdeCAcQFXoECAEQAg&usg=AOvVaw2y9296D7mzZl_PS7QsAK4n https://www.manhattancbt.com/archives/1471/pocd-arousal/ ERP can DEFINITELY help with the groinal responses, by making you get used to it, so that you no longer have that somatic awareness and the conditioned arousal response will die off. That being said, there are times when I still have that uncomfortable awareness, but I know what it is now so I just let it go. The point is that youre hypervigilant for any signs of arousal because of your anxiety, which is self defeating. The less you care about whether or not you're aroused the less you're going to be aware of your genitalia and response, the more the feelings will go away. Perhaps entirely in your case as with others. I still have a little somatic ocd going on with my pocd but it's at such a low level I'm not impaired. Do not let ocd take away your future children. That would mean you let it win. You can totally have kids even if this issue persists, though I'm confident you can get better as I have, perhaps you will recover even more fully than me. Hope this helps and that I explained things clearly.

Hey sorry you're dealing with this I know what its like. The ocd needs to be treated and then you will sleep better. Evidence based treatments are exposure and response prevention therapy and medication. I suggest you pursue those avenues. If you're looking for a quick fix I can't help you with that and I don't think anyone else can help either. That being said when I found the right medication for me (abilify) my ocd cleared up in a week. That was after a long time of trial and error testing different medications.

What I'm trying to say is that relief can be found outside of death medication and erp are your strongest shot at it. You need to decide that you're going to get better no matter what. Suicide can't even be an option for you. Read man's search for meaning by Viktor frankl.

If your feeling suicidal please visit your local emergency room! It sounds like you either need to start medication or switch meds. Therapy is seldom enough for ocders to get by typically a combination of both is in order. Trying medication is certainly better than nothing. I'm sure you rationally understand you aren't vile or a pervert, but the obsessions sound strong so I know it's tough. I couldn't stop ruminating until being put on an antipsychotic (abilify).

Dude it's normal man you've got to learn to cope with regular human experience you aren't a disgusting pervert it's normal.

Canada

The reason I am suggesting you visit the emergency room is because of your suicidal thoughts they can help you with that. I know you didn't hurt the kid.

Hey man like I said please visit the emergency room you really need to get some help from there. You can escape this conflict without suicide. You didn't hurt that kids head it's going to be ok IF you don't hurt yourself. Go to the emergency room! You probably need to start a different medication and keep going to therapy.

Sounds like somatic ocd https://peaceofmind.com/education/types-of-ocd/somatic-ocd/ Best thing to do is allow yourself to feel that uncomfortable feeling and do nothing to distract yourself, then your anxiety will go down.

I find for myself the best thing has been to do nothing, keep the experience as neutral and allow myself not to know what it is. No labeling just thoughts in my head that I don't do anything about, that way they go and I'm not responding in any way.

Hi Cora you are compulsing right now. I am very familiar with the article and what you have described as well as your overall state of mind sounds like ocd. Let me be clear, the person in the case example was intentionally aggravating the thoughts he was having, happily exploring them, masturbating to them, without anxiety, and then feeling guilty after. Arousal can occur in up to 40% of patients who experience sexual orientation ocd: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_obsessions The hallmark of the difference is that while you have the thoughts you have anxiety. That "excitement" you feel when the thoughts are there is anxiety. Trust me I know that feeling. Notice how stressed out you are. The ocd tries to convince you that you like the thoughts and you can't distinguish what is real anymore. It's a very difficult experience. Also notice the frequency in which you have these thoughts. Likely way more than a pedophile ever would because ocd is like that. There is something called ocd with good or poor insight. This means you're ability to distinguish the obsessions as real or false. It seems like you have poor insight into your condition ATM, likely because of the compulsing and your frequent visiting of this forum for reassurance. I appreciate your incredible honesty and the desire to bring every evidence you can against yourself, but you are not a pedophile. I'm sorry I shared that article one guy found it helpful but for the 40% of people who do experience some kind of arousal, the article does not address that. The reason you've sought out the thoughts on purpose is to gage your reaction. You crave certainty, so you think the thoughts to see your response. That sick enjoyment you felt when reading those articles was DOOM SCROLLING I said that before. You're so scared you can't look away, and by the way dopamine fires like crazy when we read bad news so we feel good even though the news is bad. I read that in a psychology book. Sometimes hearing bad news about ukraine I get a small burst of pleasure, even though I find it horrific and when the novelty of the news has passed and I meditate on it I feel sad. It's a psychology thing. As far as what you're talking about as "masturbating" to the thoughts it sounds like your body is just responding to the thought of sex, as outlined in the Wikipedia article (yeah i know its wikipedia but you can follow the references below), and not to the thought of sex with children. That's an important difference. You squeeze your legs together as an anxious response. You don't have a paraphilic disorder, you have ocd with poor insight and that isn't going to get better until you get on the right medication and do erp. Have I reassured you enough? Never! Even as you read this your thinking of counterexamples and other evidence against yourself because ocd is like that! The doubt remains and some part of you will continue to anxiously believe your a pedophile until you've gotten the right kind of help. Sometimes I still doubt. I'm sorry that article caused you to suffer but NOTHING you have said makes me think you are a pedophile. You're sick Cora and I'm sorry about that and sorry if I helped to hurt you.

Hey you can definitely find a good therapist online here is a link https://iocdf.org/find-help/ If no one is available in your area use that link to find someone who can do teletherapy with you.

It's ocd. Are you on medication? You should try it!

This is so good to hear. Please tell your therapist or doctor about the suicidal thoughts you've been having, and about the nembutal. This is important ok? You are very brave for staying alive. It's not going to be easy but you can do it. I suggest you read man's search for meaning by Viktor frankl its a very good book about suffering and suffering well. God bless!

Well I think there's still a lot of nuance here. You seem confident you don't want to hurt anyone. Also keep in mind sexual thoughts are normal. If you see someone and have a sexual thought about them there's nothing abnormal about that. OCD has a way of distorting your perception of how you feel and what your motivations are. You might not believe you were checking but how do you know? Maybe you were checking maybe you weren't. Leave it at that and move on, less the ocd grow stronger. If you were into this kind of stuff you'd likely be pursuing violent material online and actively fantasizing and enjoying the experience. I'm not you but you probably know what the deal is you just doubt it. Hence the desire to accuse yourself of the worst so that I can acquit you. I know that logic, I put every evidence against myself before the doctors and psychologists, it was all ocd. It sounds like the same for you. Notice that everybody on here making posts like these are so quick to accuse themselves of their fear. They want to be acquitted. And I think that extra intense honesty is compulsive in itself. You want to say the worst of yourself so you can feel better for having said it you know? I think that's what's going on. Don't give in.

And if your theme is harm it would mostly make sense that it would revolve around your family, because ocd attacks what is most important to you. It targets what you love

I've spoken with another guy who has ocd and he said he does better when he's in social situations. He wasn't sure why. When I was struggling it was pretty consistent regardless of my social circumstance. If for example you ocd is worse around your family because you're scared of harming them, probably the best thing to do so spend more time with them as an exposure and then resist the associated compulsion.

Things can get better. And part of that is getting healthy. Go to the emergency room and you can get healthy again.